My story - day 4 of NC

[ElectricTangerine]

We met in a ridicoulously romantic way. It was like a movie scene with insane amount of coincidences. The first thing that crossed my mind when I first laid eyes on him was that I can really see myself with this guy. We fell in love instantly. As we got closer to each other, we had one beautiful moment after another. When I was with him, even something as simple as going to the grocery store with him felt fantastic. We did so much together and the love and intimacy was just breathtaking. We were in perfect harmony. I honestly felt I found the perfect partner. He did A LOT for me and for that I'm so grateful to him for that. He even met my family this summer and they all loved him.

 

He told me he was separated, but not finally divorced about 2 months after we met (he forgot to take the ring off his finger and I noticed). I trusted him and thought our circumstances were special (how unique, I know), so I was willing to give him time to finalize the divorce while staying in a relationship with him. We were long distance, so that wasn't really an issue. But there was a more than clear lack of boundaries with the wife and that just wasn't compatible with him having me as a girlfriend. I voiced my concerns and each time he made some minor change, and my concerns were silenced. A year into our relationship I became unhappy with how sluggish the divorce proceedings have been. Voiced my concerns several times. He always offered reassurance. Told me he filed already and offered to bring me the papers to prove it. I chose to trust him (smart move) instead.

 

Eventually my negative feelings got stronger and I lost a part of my mental attraction to him. I didn’t want sex anymore. He understood. Then I found out he lied to me about how many times he has been married. Told me he had too much guilt and shame to accept it himself. I knew about his previous women, just not the detail that he was married to them too. About a month after that I did some googling (also posted a thread on this forum) and accidentally discovered that he was still living with the wife for the first 6 months of our relationship. He tried denying it but soon confessed. He also confessed that no papers were filed yet. One lie on top of the other. 2 days after it all came out he showed up at my door and begged for my forgiveness. It was very dramatic. After I found out about the lies I was mentally preparing myself to leave him, but the surprise visit was too much for me to handle at once so I didn’t do it. Right now I am in a point in my life where I absolutely cannot afford to fall apart. I have too much stuff to do and cannot afford to fail. Since then, I allowed him to visit and stay with me twice more. We had some more good times just being together, but it was more like friends than lovers. He did try very hard to win my trust back. A week after the lies came out he actually filed for the divorce and they sold the marital home (saw actual documents this time). He even gave me passwords to all his online stuff to show he’s got nothing to hide. Curiosity and a nagging gut feeling got the best of me so I logged into his e-mail account and read the messages. It was a concrete proof of my suspicions of his “separation period”. I found some very loving e-mails he sent to his wife, their plans for joint activities… Pictures of the happy family. He said he was miserable for years, yet he constantly mentioned her in his e-mails to friends and family and they seemed to do so much together. This sealed the deal for me and I broke up with him 4 days ago. He begged me to reconsider, said again that I was the love of his life and he didn’t want to mess up. Said he will do anything it takes to win me back.

 

This is day 4 of NC. I feel so strong for doing it and I know it is the best decision I could have made for myself. I deserve so much more. But that doesn’t make it any easier to reconcile the fact that it felt like a perfect relationship and then all the lies he told me. And for that matter just an existence of a wife and his family life. All of those e-mails I read, I have no idea who that person was. He said he didn’t separate sooner because it’s not that easy to walk away from something you’ve been boulding for so long and it’s difficult to move on emotionally. Apparently he stayed and did those things to appease her because he’s a coward. In that case I don’t know which version of the truth is worse. That he was too weak to do the right thing and kept on stringing us both along, or that I was his excuse to finally leave… Either way, that part is sickening to me. His passiveness is sickening. It trumps all the beautiful moments we had together. If he really wanted to have a future with me, he should have done something sooner. Or at least come clean to me himself so I wouldn't have to find out through my detective work. He had more than enough opportunities.

[Oldspiceywolf]

Nice

 

Keep believing in yourself, you did the right thing.

It might get harder but you made your decisions and he made to many mistakes to move forward with trust... His bad!

[Nothisgirl]

Thank you for posting this..you deserve more than someone who is going to lie to you....I wish you we'll in your journey

[Goodbye]

My exMM was a big old liar too. Completely took advantage of the long distance thing. You are doing well with NC. It is all you can do. I'm glad you realize that the lying isn't going to get better. Time to let that all go.