I Want To Give Up!!!

[Saving Grace]

Mr Spock~

 

I am sorry that you have been in my shoes. And maybe your right things are more obvious to you then they will be for me for awhile.

[Owl]

Saving-

 

I think that a lot of the actual advice you've received here is sound, and pretty much mirrors what I said in response to your first post here.

 

Keep doing the housework, keep trying to get clear of the OM and the business that you've got with him...even if your marriage ends, you'll be better off for having done that.

 

I think that all the people saying that you could push him away by clinging to tightly is sound advice. Like I'd mentioned before, it might take the divorce going through and an actual SEPERATION between the two of you to let him decide how he feels about you and your relationship with him.

 

Here's another suggestion...since the papers are filed, and the pending divorce is out in the air...do an "in-home" seperation. My wife and I did that when her affair was discovered, and she was in limbo about what she wanted to do from there.

 

Move into seperate bedrooms. If possible, setup seperate "living rooms" as well. Neither of us could stand to be in our bedroom anymore after what had gone on, so we both moved out of it. We re-arranged sleeping quarters so that our boys got out bedroom, my wife moved into the smallest bedroom in the house, and I moved down into what had been the den. Even got me a small TV and such for down there.

 

Our "seperation" didn't last long...about a month...before we ended up trying to work things out. I'd suspect it will be longer in your case, but it would serve a couple of purposes. You'll both get a "taste" of sleeping alone and doing your own thing, and it should help you both start to get into the divorced mindset. Give it a shot...the distance might do you both more good than harm at this point.

[Saving Grace]

Thanks Owl~

I know its all sound advice, but I really am not being clingy, I have backed off alot! I have let go.

 

It's just that he himself has been in and out of being extremely nice to hostile so I am unsure of his feelings too. But he isn't giving mixed signals either. He is quite firm on his stance.

 

We are both struggling with so much right now I know.

 

We already are sleeping separately as of last monday and I think it is a little easier.

 

I did tell him that he picked a good time to do this although there is so much going on, business, holidays, new baby, his birthday. We have become better friends and have been able to communicate when for such a long time we couldn't. It is also the beginning of a new year so it just an appropriate time for us to "start over". What ever the "starting over" is.

 

My family is not taking it so well, they love him so much. He told me I need to call them and tell them he feels the same way and won't lose contact/connection with them. He won't take the kids away from seeing them either. I need to call and comfort them as well. My Aunt and Uncle in Illinois are just devastated. I told them the whole truth. They thought we were true love. Well I will try and show them they were right.

 

I wrote him the "I Love You" and "I'm Sorry" in one letter. I will be leaving it on his pillow tomorrow night. He is smart and understands my love and my remorse I do not need to keep gushing about it everyday. I just think the letter is the best way to finalize it and not keep pushing it in his face. He have in writing my proffesion. I will still keep showing him I am sorry and that I love him but I won't constantly push it.

 

I like the "in house speration" idea. I think it might be what helps. How did you deal with lunch, dinner? Do you eat together or not? Do I cook for him etc., or let him fend for himself? weekends?, leaving with or without our daughter?. I still think we need to know where each other is for her/our sake. Just in case there is an emergency.

 

Like I said I steer clear of the OM as much as possible, and am trying to change the partnership to be completely rid of him.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Saving Grace

I wrote him the "I Love You" and "I'm Sorry" in one letter. I will be leaving it on his pillow tomorrow night.

 

I left you a post at MB. Why not post your letter there, and get some advice on it?

[Saving Grace]

Thanks Ladyjane~

 

I might do that but it like six pages long. I took alot of it from some of my posts so some may redundant.

 

I just thought I am constantly telling evryone else how I feel and I really need to tell him. I will go to MB now.

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think it would be a bad idea to run it by a few people. I've noticed alot of letters posted there, particularly plan B letters. So they're used to combing through them and looking for potential pitfalls.

[Owl]

Well, we did the meals jointly still...didn't make sense for us to do it seperately. Was kinda funny actually...while her affair was going on, she never cooked...left it for me or the kids to do. Once she had nothing else to do(couldn't spend all her time at the computer with him), she started cooking more during that time.

 

After dinner, we'd either all sit and watch a movie together, or I'd go for a walk to get away. It was REALLY hard for me to deal with that time...it was while she was still in her "withdrawl" from the OM. She was in pretty constant tears and depression the whole time, and of course there wasn't a damn thing I could do to help her.

 

As far as knowing where each other was, well we're a pretty big family, so we've always let everyone know what we're doing. We pretty much kept it setup so that we knew how to get a hold of each other during that time. Neither of us are much for hitting the bars or anything, so our time out during this was usually runs to the store, walks, or just time out alone.

 

You might try talking with him about some "rules" to help with something like this. For example...I NEVER went into her room during this time...even if asked. She replied in kind. I saw it as her final retreat...and I needed that as well.

[Saving Grace]

Just wanted to let you all know that I went to the doctor today and the baby is breech but could still turn on his/her own. If not C section then, buts thats ok because I had regular birth 1st time around.

 

OB also put me on Lexapro (depression meds). Gonna see how they work. I think I'll sleep well tonight......Thanks for the advice LJ

 

Sorry I haven't posted much. Business is very busy and I think I was getting wrapped up in other people's problems a little bit. I need to step back and concentrate on mine.

 

Owl~I'm gonna try the in house seperation, makes sense. I like it.

 

Talk more soon~ SG

[Ladyjane14]

It could take a couple of weeks to feel any relief on the Lexapro, so give it some time. Don't hesitate to call in if you notice any adverse emotional effects though. I didn't know they would administer AD's during pregnancy. Hmmm...live and learn.

 

There ought to be plenty of time for the baby to turn. I think it's pretty normal in the third trimester if memory serves.

 

Hang in there, and post when you can.

[Owl]

LadyJ is right on about the time it takes for the anti-depressant meds to kick in. My wife's took about two weeks or more to kick in.

 

Good luck on the in-house seperation thing. It was hard as heck on me...but it did help us get through some rough times

[Saving Grace]

Just wanted to let everyone know I'm ok.

 

Meds are going well, no issues..

 

Therapy going well...feels good to talk to someone....

 

Obvoiusly things are still ok with me and H. No major emotional outbursts, I can tell he is having a hard time being around but I understand the pain he's went through and still going through. I try not to push him at all. I think its helping.

 

He actually called me twice on sunday on his own while he was gone and I hadn't called him so that's positive. That's a first in the last month becuase he normally only calls me if I call him and he misses my call etc.

 

I have a little more hope but its hard to show someone you love them so much when they show you no love in return. I guess this is tough love, he is giving me exactly what I gave him...I hope though he dosen't do something stupid and begin a relationship with someone else. I think he is smarter then that. His main concern is our daughter an me gettin help.

 

Enough for now hope all is going well with everyone. SG

[Ladyjane14]

I was wondering about you. I'm glad you're well. I know it might not seem like it today, but all of this will eventually sort itself out. Hang in there. Be tough.

 

Originally posted by Saving Grace

I have a little more hope but its hard to show someone you love them so much when they show you no love in return. I guess this is tough love, he is giving me exactly what I gave him...

 

I doubt he's putting much forethought into giving you "tough love" or 'not showing love' to you. He's probably still doing his level best just to be calm. His negative emotions are very likely still raging.

 

That's kind of good news, because it shows that he still cares enough about you not to unleash them.

 

Have you ever read DazednConfused's thread? I think it does a superlative job of conveying a BH's point of view.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

[blinky200400]

I cant really give advice cause ive never been on either end of an affair but i do hope this works out for you. Personally i think you sound very regretful of this awful chapter in your life. I agree that u could easily push ur husband even further away (but i also know how difficult it is to emotionally distance yourself when u have been in a relationship for this length of time, especially when ur pregnant).

I agree that u need to try to give him some space though and respect his hurt. Still be there for him when u can be and let him know how much you love him and wish u could make this right but do not push this onto him.

I really hope that with time ur husband may decide this relationship is worth fighting for but i also hope that u have learnt from this and will treat him with the respect he deserves.

 

On another note, i am a psychiatric nurse and i was on anti depressants throughout my pregnancy. A lot of Ad meds show no evidence of harmful effects to the baby. If u take it late in pregnancy (as i also did) there may be some withdreawal effects with the baby (these will be mild and i was kept in hospital for a couple of days to check everything was ok which it was). The risk of ADs on a babys health is much less than the effect of extreme stress/depression.

Also u should expect a few weeks before they start to take effect!

 

Good luck

[Owl]

So have you tried to implement an official "in house" seperation yet, Savin?

 

Good luck to you lady!!

[Saving Grace]

Thanks for the advice blinky~

 

I am very regretful and hopeful that this will work out. I will still stand by him no matter what. I put him through such a terrible ordeal and I know that I can never take back all the pain, hurt and shame I caused. I am blessed everyday that he is the type of man that he is. He is still understanding, caring and concerned, yet still distant. I'm sure he'll be for awhile, can you blame him? Thanks for the med advice, my OB prescribed it so I'm sure she'll knows all the precautions, does the baby have a difficult time withdrawing? Is it like colic? I'm sure I'll be on it for sometime after but what about nursing?

 

Owl~

{{Hey you}}

 

I haven't had much of a chance to do any "inhouse" stuff because he is gone really everytime I'm home. This whole weekend he spent by my brothers working on my sil's car. Friday they were at the Homeshow and Saturday he was in and out, sholveling the drive, gassin up the cars, gettin dinner, buying our DD a DVD player for her to watch dvd's downstairs. So we haven't seen much of each other at all, I think that's his intention, I'm not sure.

 

On a positive note last week Tuesday I laid a rose on his nightstand with my love/imsorry letter. That rose was not in any water overnight and was completely wilted by Wednesday morning. I put it in a vase and here it is almost a week later and the rose is beautiful. Every rose I have ever been given never lasted this long. Amazing. He didn't really say much about the letter but that he wants to let it sink in. He knows how I feel and I wan't be pushing him away by showing him anymore. He's not stupid, I still need to tell him how sorry I am though, that won't stop. Gotta Run~

 

LJ~ I'm gonna check out the thread, thanks for checkin in on me, this support has helped me alot!

 

SG

[Saving Grace]

That was terrbilble of me.

 

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

For ALL of you!!!

 

SG

[blinky200400]

Saving Grace - from what i remember the possible withdrawal effects from anti depressants for a post partum baby tend to be shakiness, initial reluctance to feed and lethargy. These can last up to about 3 days. This is only what i remember. it may be an idea for you to do a search on the net (something like "newborn withdrawal from anti depressants"). Some meds are more dangerous than others in pregnancy so i would assume your doc has px one which is presumed to be one of the safer.

 

From what my doctor said when i was deciding whether to stay on meds or not is that there still hasnt been a huge amount of studues done (for obvious ethical reasons) however given the amount of women these days on AD meds it would appears obvious that if they were that detrimental we would have seen a huge surge in babies born with defects, withdrawal effects etc. Luckily my little girl experienced no ill effects. If i had felt the ADs would have caused more harm than the depression i would have never taken a chance. I had IVf to have her and it was a long struggle so believe me i would never have taken a chance.

 

As far as nursing. I was advised to not breastfeed due to the meds being quite sstrongly present in breastmilk. It may be an idea to discuss this with your doc. I have heard of ladies on certain meds who were told they could BF with no probs.

 

Good luck, hope everything turns out ok

[Saving Grace]

Hi Everyone~ I know it's been awhile but I got great news~

 

I finally did it, I took the step I needed to. I told the OM that my H has known about him and has for over a year and some months. Needless to say he didn't take it very well. My H said he was proud of me and I am proud of me. I'm really bad at linking threads so long story short~

 

The OM asked what about the baby, what if it's his and I said the H will make him responsible. Well I really would but you get the idea.

 

I feel like a weight has finally been lifted.

 

Why did I hurt that one man that loved me so much? Why didn't I listen to him then (my H). He even snickered after I told him and said I don't understand the order you do things in?

 

I feel great, hasn't been that way for a long time!

 

Thanks for listening~

Gotta Run~

SG

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Saving Grace

I feel great, hasn't been that way for a long time!

 

That's good news. Glad to hear it. I'm assuming that you're getting good relief from the AD's, and it does sound like you and your husband are having positive interactions.

 

Keep us posted.

[Saving Grace]

I've been away to long, I had the baby! born on 2/11, just in time for Valentine's Day

 

She is a beautiful little (6lbs, 6oz at birth but now 5.131lbs) girl. My H even named her which was totally unexpected to me. I want to write more but I wanted everyone to know.

 

PS I think she looks just like our other daughter, I pulled out some pics and I think they do. Don't want to get my hopes up becuase they both look so much like me, which can still be a blessing.

 

Sorry I've been so busy not much time to write but I WILL be home for awhile so there i smore time but the home pc is slow, so much to tell....

 

SG

[pragmatic]

Great news Grace!

 

Congrats on the new addition & on the help with choosing her name.

[Ladyjane14]

Congratulations!!! I know you're probably exhausted with all the new-baby stuff...2am feedings and all that.

 

So post us when you can.