Back into a slump...What do I do?

[mirage12]

Please help talk me out of doing it. I’ve posted a lot about this recently, but ex broke up with me after an 8 month relationship, 1 month ago. Reason for the breakup was more circumstantial than anything else – we are both new attorneys, she started working an extremely high pressure/lifestyle changing job 2 months ago, the type of job that requires you to make a complete lifestyle adjustment and sacrifice a lot of your relationships in general (think 60-80+ hour work weeks, constantly on call, work environment where you think you’re constantly going to be fired/are failing at your job). Not only does she not deal well with stress generally (she tends to shut people out) but I know her job pressure isn’t just unique to her – I have several other friends working similar jobs and they are all absolutely miserable/too stressed and tired to really do anything but work.

 

I still love her and even though I know it almost certainly won’t happen, I’m having trouble letting go of a lingering hope that because our split was more circumstantial rather than a cheating issue or a falling out of love, that maybe it could work out somewhere down the line. She’s also not helping. We both went NC for about 2 weeks (the 2 weeks while we waited for our state’s bar exam results, which was an extremely extremely stressful time for everyone, not just us). After that, she started to reach out to me. Began texting me repeatedly after the results, trying to get details on life. A few days later she texted me again, asking if she could buy me drinks/saying she missed me/wanted to see me. Since then we’ve had brief text conversations back and forth – she reached out on Thanksgiving, then I reached out last Wednesday. I asked her whether she wanted to get drinks still and she said she did but that she was too slammed at work that week (she was responding at 10:30pm and was still in the office). We texted back and forth a bit and then let it go, haven’t communicated since.

 

I’ve been doing ok the past few days, been keeping busy and have tried not to think about her much. Then a friend of mine randomly brought her up out of the blue yesterday. He asked me why I was being so passive about the meet up, and why I just didn’t try to reach out to her/spill my heart out one more time. He also said that the longer we stay apart without physically seeing each other, the more my window of opportunity closes. At first he suggested going to her house/showing up and doing that, and then suggested instead that I try to call her and say that I want to see her/want to talk. Now I’m confused/thinking about it again. A big part of me wants this meet-up to happen – it sounds horrible, but I want to talk to her and see her reaction in person, so I’ll know right away whether there’s a chance for us or whether all of that is dead/gone. I almost want the meet-up to happen so that if it’s bad, she can crush any of the residual hope I have and I can move on knowing that there’s absolutely nothing.

 

The other part of me doesn’t want to push the meet-up, and to let her initiate at some point (which I think she will, eventually). But the only reason I can think of for waiting is that I’m again holding on to some kind of hope that giving her space will increase my odds of her coming back. I was doing well before this and now I’m confused/fixating on her again. I want to do something. What do you guys think?

[Simon Phoenix]

I think your friend is completely off-base here and I wouldn't listen to a word he says. Most relationships that reconcile and stay reconciled have an extended cooling-off period.

 

You really need to go NC and stay NC for an extended period of time. I know you don't want to and I know you never listen, but it'll be much better for you -- be it with her or with someone else -- to actually take this breakup seriously and work on you for you. And if I recall correctly, didn't you break NC first to congratulate her?

[Simon Phoenix]

Friends and family give horrible advice sometimes. My stepfather once told me that I should invite my ex out of the blue (we had been in NC 4.5 months) to a week-long family vacation (I immediately nexted that idea) and my stepmother said I should surprise her at her office with flowers when we were in LC (also nexted that idea). They think they are helping and the intentions are good, but sometimes the things they suggest are just awful. This seems to be the case with your friend.

[organizedchaos]

(think 60-80+ hour work weeks, constantly on call, work environment where you think you’re constantly going to be fired/are failing at your job).

 

Why are you even trying to get someone back, who, if you are successful, won't have time for you anyway and will be constantly stressed out? In time you will argue that she never has time for you - and you will break up again.

[letsplaygofish2]

I don't know, I can see what your friend meant by spilling your guts. Maybe I also give bad advice, but I think that two honest, mature people should be able to talk face to face about these types of things. As you said, it's purely circumstantial so laying out the facts and heart matters is important.

 

Since you've both been busy, perhaps you should try again? Now that you've had a week to cool down, don't you think that the heart should have calmed down a bit too?

 

My ex and I still email even though we broke up a month and a half ago. Our situation was purely circumstantial and he says he's not ready for anything - which I understand. However, I just feel that 2 adults should be able to communicate. Sounds like you guys just got caught up in the mess of things and need to reprioritize what's important in your life.

 

Personally, I let my work get the best of me. I became stressed, overwhelmed and it bled into my relationship. By the time I was able to seize control of the situation, he was already tired and he broke up with me

[mirage12]

I think your friend is completely off-base here and I wouldn't listen to a word he says. Most relationships that reconcile and stay reconciled have an extended cooling-off period.

 

You really need to go NC and stay NC for an extended period of time. I know you don't want to and I know you never listen, but it'll be much better for you -- be it with her or with someone else -- to actually take this breakup seriously and work on you for you. And if I recall correctly, didn't you break NC first to congratulate her?

 

I did break NC first but she initiated/kept reviving multiple convos since then. I also do really try my hardest to listen - I know the advice I'm given is probably correct and I try to follow it. I've been doing my best to keep my mind off it - have plans every day this weekend, have a date set for next week. It was just my friend bringing her up that made me start to think about her all over again

[mirage12]

Why are you even trying to get someone back, who, if you are successful, won't have time for you anyway and will be constantly stressed out? In time you will argue that she never has time for you - and you will break up again.

 

Because I'm still in love with her. And I'll eventually work hours that maybe won't be as bad or as stressful, but will be close. I know life is getting in the way now...I'm just kind of flailing around, running through every possibility in my mind thinking about how it might work if we get the chance to try again.

[letsplaygofish2]

Have you tried suggesting couples counseling? I invited my ex to join me for counseling last week and he came with me. He still said he wasn't in love with me due to all the ups and downs... but I think I'm one step closer to closure :/

 

I said it would be a safe place for us to communicate freely and he agreed.

[Simon Phoenix]

I did break NC first but she initiated/kept reviving multiple convos since then. I also do really try my hardest to listen - I know the advice I'm given is probably correct and I try to follow it. I've been doing my best to keep my mind off it - have plans every day this weekend, have a date set for next week. It was just my friend bringing her up that made me start to think about her all over again

 

Sure she did -- she probably thinks you can be buddies now because you initiated. But that's not what you want. But you can't say that she's been trying to get a hold of you without mentioning that you were the one to break NC in the first place. There's a good chance you wouldn't have talked much, if at all, if you didn't initiate. You didn't exactly give an honest portrayal of how the contact went down -- neglecting to mention that you started the communication is leaving out a big detail in this story.

 

As for the friend, if you don't want to talk about it, don't. My friend brought up my ex several months ago when we were hanging out (to be fair he was my main confidant during my bad times and she is his sister-in-law) and I flat-out told him that I didn't want to talk about her and there was nothing more to talk about it. Not only did he not take offense, he was actually pretty happy about it. So just tell anyone who brings it up that you'd rather not talk about it. They'll understand.

[Simon Phoenix]

Have you tried suggesting couples counseling? I invited my ex to join me for counseling last week and he came with me. He still said he wasn't in love with me due to all the ups and downs... but I think I'm one step closer to closure :/

 

I said it would be a safe place for us to communicate freely and he agreed.

 

Couples counseling is something you should do when you are actually a couple. Doing it after the fact defeats a lot of the purpose of doing it at all.

[letsplaygofish2]

I disagree. The fact that my ex agreed to come with me to counseling was very eye-opening about how two people are mature enough to conversate. Whether the goal is to make up or break up, that's entirely between two people. I disagree with the notion that couples counseling is strictly for people who are in a relationship, particularly so if communication has become a problem. I mean, where and how else are you supposed to learn how to be a better communicator if not for counseling?

[Simon Phoenix]

Because I'm still in love with her.

 

Which is why your approach is not the appropriate one right now. You aren't ready for this and you are acting purely on emotion right now -- emotion that's going to dump you in the crapper. You need time away, you need to get yourself under control, she needs time away from you to potentially re-evaluate things. Stop being the clingy, needy, weak impatient guy.

 

As for the hours being the "reason" for your breakup, guess what, people are always busier and the older/more accomplished you get, the more your time will be at a premium. If she's not willing to see you now due to being busy, what's going to happen when there are more things for her to do? That's something she has to figure out on her own, and you sniffing around isn't going to help your case in her mind.

[Never Again]

Personally, I let my work get the best of me. I became stressed, overwhelmed and it bled into my relationship. By the time I was able to seize control of the situation, he was already tired and he broke up with me

 

I had a similar situation with some other nasty tidbits thrown in.

 

OP, you get to toss your feelings out there once.

 

Only once.

 

There's no spilling your guts "again". If she dumped you, and if you had a half-way decent relationship, I'm sure she knows how you feel. I'm sure you even told her a bit during the breakup.

 

That's all you get.

 

Once is enough to put your cards on the table so you've got no regrets about being open and honest, but after that you've got to accept the breakup and shush up.

 

Anything else is being desperate. It's being overly emotional and showing your ex that you don't really respect their decision. It's becoming half doormat, half annoyance.

 

Second chances do not work, ever.

 

New relationships with an old partner, can work...but there needs to be enough time to properly bury and grieve for the old relationship.

 

So let it sit and rot for a bit.

[letsplaygofish2]

Not that it matters, but I do believe in second chances simply because people have the power to grow and change. And yes, time and space offers clarity and a chance for the emotions to calm down. But that's just me!

[Simon Phoenix]

I disagree. The fact that my ex agreed to come with me to counseling was very eye-opening about how two people are mature enough to conversate. Whether the goal is to make up or break up, that's entirely between two people. I disagree with the notion that couples counseling is strictly for people who are in a relationship, particularly so if communication has become a problem. I mean, where and how else are you supposed to learn how to be a better communicator if not for counseling?

 

Plenty of people learn how to be better communicators without counseling. The point isn't to bag on counseling -- it was that you should have done couples counseling when you were a couple. You aren't a couple. If it was such a good idea, why didn't you do it when you were actually a couple? I mean, this is just ass-backwards.

[Simon Phoenix]

Not that it matters, but I do believe in second chances simply because people have the power to grow and change. And yes, time and space offers clarity and a chance for the emotions to calm down. But that's just me!

 

Second chances are possible, but they have to come naturally, not through forced contact, orbiting, spilling guts...he's already spilled his guts. People need to change on their own -- spur-of-the-moment change based on panic doesn't hold up. Every successful second chance I've seen has seen both parties take a long break away from each other to gain perspective. What the OP wants to do is born out of panic, not out of self-reflection and growth. And his ex needs to grow too -- what kind of growth can one get when they still have one foot in the past or are still dealing with collateral damage from it?

[Never Again]

Not that it matters, but I do believe in second chances simply because people have the power to grow and change. And yes, time and space offers clarity and a chance for the emotions to calm down. But that's just me!

 

I differentiate the two as a matter of semantics, but it's an important distinction.

 

Too many people obsess and panic over getting a "second chance" right away and end up hurting themselves over and over again.

 

I've been one of those people in the past. It just leads to more heartbreak.

 

Better to make the distinction and tell people that, no matter what they WANT, their only choice is to move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

I differentiate the two as a matter of semantics, but it's an important distinction.

 

Too many people obsess and panic over getting a "second chance" right away and end up hurting themselves over and over again.

 

I've been one of those people in the past. It just leads to more heartbreak.

 

Better to make the distinction and tell people that, no matter what they WANT, their only choice is to move on.

 

Yep, the option is always to move forward. If your ex moves forward and you reconnect, then awesome. It has a better chance of being a new, fresh relationship than if you keep looking back. There's no reason to want your past relationship back -- if it was so awesome, it wouldn't have broken.

[TryingToFigureItOut]

When I initially broke up with my bf we broke up for 2 weeks and then got back together. Problems were still there. We broke up in January, went NC for the entire time until we ran into each other in June and SORTA picked things back up again. The same problems were slightly better, but not fully taken care of. That was 5 MONTHS LATER.

 

If you truly love someone and want to be with them and have them as a LIFE partner, you need to a) need a very long time apart, I'm talking 1+ year(s), and b) you will probably need to date and possibly get into at least one other relationship. Long story short: you need more experiences.

 

I say this because my ex is now 2 months into a new relationship with some girl, whom a few weeks before he got with her he called me asking me to come over and told me he missed me and was thinking of me. So in all reality, he needs this new relationship, and I also need it (I am currently dating a new guy). Once you accept that sometimes what you want may not happen NOW and focus on the present, it makes things much easier to handle.

[letsplaygofish2]

Actually, it was really cathartic and therapeutic. I'm the type of person who likes to deal with problems instead of running away from them... Self-evolution and growth requires a certain level of courage. In my instance, the courage to be vulnerable and accept that things have fallen apart and to speak calmly about it. Sort of like a post-mortem...

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Second chances are possible, but they have to come naturally, not through forced contact, orbiting, spilling guts...he's already spilled his guts. People need to change on their own -- spur-of-the-moment change based on panic doesn't hold up. Every successful second chance I've seen has seen both parties take a long break away from each other to gain perspective. What the OP wants to do is born out of panic, not out of self-reflection and growth. And his ex needs to grow too -- what kind of growth can one get when they still have one foot in the past or are still dealing with collateral damage from it?

 

Well said Simon. It's been three months for me now and the old me is far away enough to look back on objectively now rather than just saying "he's an idiot!".

[AlphaC]

Which is why your approach is not the appropriate one right now. You aren't ready for this and you are acting purely on emotion right now -- emotion that's going to dump you in the crapper. You need time away, you need to get yourself under control, she needs time away from you to potentially re-evaluate things. Stop being the clingy, needy, weak impatient guy.

 

As for the hours being the "reason" for your breakup, guess what, people are always busier and the older/more accomplished you get, the more your time will be at a premium. If she's not willing to see you now due to being busy, what's going to happen when there are more things for her to do? That's something she has to figure out on her own, and you sniffing around isn't going to help your case in her mind.

 

Simon is right, that is just an excuse, I am an attorney too, i work just as many hours as you and I have time to have a social life. I was with my ex for over a year working these same hours. If you want to be with someone you make time, if you don't you make excuses. Mirage, let her go, give yourself a couple of months to cool off and see if you still want to be with her. She broke it up with you, she is the the one that is not interested at the moment. Maybe she will get stressed at work and start thinking of you. Remember people who love each other rely on one another during difficult times, the bar exam - dude I wont tell you which bars I took but they were all jokes, the MBE and state portions - no biggie. Your ex is just full of excuses you need to ask yourself why do you want to be with a woman that is not being honest with you. She is probably after someone else, women can't stand to be alone, come on man, you went to law school, how many people did you see hook up? 1Ls were all single and married by the time they were 3ls, fact!!! My entire class shacked up, lol. Anyway, do NO Contact if she asks to speak to you come back on this board for more advice, whatever you do not be malleable, don't give her the upper hand, you are a man, she should be chasing you, in a couple of years her beauty will wane and your bank account will be inflated, think long term and remember to come here for advice, we got your back!!!

[mirage12]

Simon is right, that is just an excuse, I am an attorney too, i work just as many hours as you and I have time to have a social life. I was with my ex for over a year working these same hours. If you want to be with someone you make time, if you don't you make excuses. Mirage, let her go, give yourself a couple of months to cool off and see if you still want to be with her. She broke it up with you, she is the the one that is not interested at the moment. Maybe she will get stressed at work and start thinking of you. Remember people who love each other rely on one another during difficult times, the bar exam - dude I wont tell you which bars I took but they were all jokes, the MBE and state portions - no biggie. Your ex is just full of excuses you need to ask yourself why do you want to be with a woman that is not being honest with you. She is probably after someone else, women can't stand to be alone, come on man, you went to law school, how many people did you see hook up? 1Ls were all single and married by the time they were 3ls, fact!!! My entire class shacked up, lol. Anyway, do NO Contact if she asks to speak to you come back on this board for more advice, whatever you do not be malleable, don't give her the upper hand, you are a man, she should be chasing you, in a couple of years her beauty will wane and your bank account will be inflated, think long term and remember to come here for advice, we got your back!!!

 

Thank you...nice to hear from another attorney and deep down, I know that you're right. It's just so hard because we stuck it out together through a lot of weird and hard transition times throughout this entire past year. I guess I thought (incorrectly) that after all of that, I would've meant more to her. I just deleted her number from my phone so I can't call or text her anymore. I hope things get better and yeah, maybe one day she and I will cross paths again.