Bad memory re-runs

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

So, likely as a result of my disorders*, I replay painful memories over and over in my head. I've been doing this since I was able to create memories and has a lot to do with the negativity that always seemed to surround me. I always assumed I was an insomniac because these thoughts kept me awake at night. I'd stay up until morning hours doing nothing but watching memory re-runs in bed with my eyes closed.

 

I've never had anything traumatic happen, it's mostly arguments and misunderstandings that I can't seem to let go of. I can't imagine how messed up I'd be if I was really hurt by someone when I was a child.

 

One of my earliest bad memories... at 4 years old I was playing with a neighbor girl. She asked me to stick out my pinky. I obliged and she bit it very hard. That type of cruelty confused the sh*t out of me because I was cared for and sheltered at home. I didn't know much of trickery.

 

Another, I was 6 years old.. in school, we had to line up after recess. I'm a very shy person and was in a line with nobody I knew. Two kids were behind me talking and a lady in charge yelled at me to stop talking. I said I wasn't talking. She called me a liar and pulled me out of line, shaming me in front of everyone. I was completely like, "WTF???"

 

It goes on and on with so many examples of stupid things like these.. but I never got over them. Unless I was distracted, my mind naturally goes to these types of thoughts. I will replay events over in my head. Sometimes I even talk them out aloud, to myself. It's usually me "acting" the way I wish I had acted in that situation. I'll be daydreaming and not realize I'm talking out loud. It's embarrassing.

 

I get myself all worked up without being mindful I'm doing it. When I had less self-control than I do now, I would take those negative feelings out on those around me, damaging most relationships with family/friends/lovers.

 

At present, there aren't many things about human nature that confuse me. I understand why people screw up, do hurtful things, etc... but I can't stop my emotional reactions. At least not yet. I'm still hoping a little re-programming via DBT will help me out.

 

Anyone else have this problem to where it takes up a large portion of your life? Are you bitter and miserable, or did you find a way to deal?

 

*ADD, AvPD, BPD

[d0nnivain]

I was recently introduced to a book called Hardwired for Happiness by a guy named Hanson. Search him on the internet. The idea is you form good memories to take the place of the bad ones. It's pop psychology so take it fwiw.

[Mario79]

I do. We seemed to have similar life experiences. But I feel in some way my mind can hide these things from me, except when I am in a situation the feels similar to something and my mind brings back those memories. One of my biggest fears is being shamed in public. I remember when I was a kid I was all happy acting dopey and excited in Christmas, and I got this look from this older kid who just shook his head, and after that I felt so shamed I locked myself in a room and felt sad.

 

There are many other when my mind is just wondering, I will bring back a shameful memory and I will just scream, and I might be with someone and they are what happened? I tell I just remembered something dumb. We judge ourselves so harshly, and instead of embracing our shames and failures we take such high measures to make sure they dont happen again.

 

I am hoping CBT can help me out, plus meds. And hell yeah it makes me angry, I walk on egg shells always looking to prevent future fallouts causing me to be fearful, it does help with being diplomatic, but sometimes I need to stand up for myself and I find my words not coming out and my feelings shutting me up. Some days I feel like dying, but I dont die, so I gotta keep trying.

[regine_phalange]

I developed a sleep disorder (night terrors) after a very violent incident in a past relationship. It can be very scary if someone sleeps with me when it happens; I start screaming, don't know whether Im awake or not, if its dark I always run to the light switch (once I almost ran out of my house). I cant really control this night terror thing consciously because it happens during the first stages of sleep, during the nrem phase. During later stages of sleep I can control my dreams and my reactions to them. It has been a very big issue, but I have managed it. The solution I have found is having always a small light turned on in my room. Works like a charm. I am night terror free for one year now.

Edited December 11, 2013 by regine_phalange

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I developed a sleep disorder (night terrors) after a very violent incident in a past relationship. It can be very scary if someone sleeps with me when it happens; I start screaming, don't know whether Im awake or not, if its dark I always run to the light switch (once I almost ran out of my house). I cant really control this night terror thing consciously because it happens during the first stages of sleep, during the nrem phase. During later stages of sleep I can control my dreams and my reactions to them. It has been a very big issue, but I have managed it. The solution I have found is having always a small light turned on in my room. Works like a charm. I am night terror free for one year now.

 

That's great you found a way to cope. Lucid dreaming is cool, I've only managed it once or twice by accident.

 

Were you diagnosed with PTSD?

[regine_phalange]

That's great you found a way to cope. Lucid dreaming is cool, I've only managed it once or twice by accident.

 

Were you diagnosed with PTSD?

 

Thanks!

 

Im not sure if I had/have ptsd, i never checked it out because my insurance wouldnt cover it. But it is possible, since during the sleep terror I had the image or the mere fear of someone choking me. Now, if I see a film with domestic violence, I will feel my adrenaline hit the fan. Also I didnt have this parasomnia disorder before the violent event.

 

Lucid deaming is quite nice, especially when you dream about something scary the dream becomes very enjoyable to "watch" as a spectator, sometimes a funny/crazy parody of what it should be. I mean, imagine a bloody vampire chasing you, and yourself just jumping around delibarately in order to annoy him.

[regine_phalange]

I remember when I was a kid I was all happy acting dopey and excited in Christmas, and I got this look from this older kid who just shook his head, and after that I felt so shamed I locked myself in a room and felt sad.

Haha. Sorry for laughing but that was adorable.

Never too late to feel like this again and not give a damn about it!

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Thanks!

 

Im not sure if I had/have ptsd, i never checked it out because my insurance wouldnt cover it. But it is possible, since during the sleep terror I had the image or the mere fear of someone choking me. Now, if I see a film with domestic violence, I will feel my adrenaline hit the fan. Also I didnt have this parasomnia disorder before the violent event.

 

Lucid deaming is quite nice, especially when you dream about something scary the dream becomes very enjoyable to "watch" as a spectator, sometimes a funny/crazy parody of what it should be. I mean, imagine a bloody vampire chasing you, and yourself just jumping around delibarately in order to annoy him.

There was a time when I was having daily panic attacks and wasn't able to handle some scenes in movies without freaking out. Panic attacks can be somewhat traumatic if you really think you are about to die.

 

In my one "for sure" lucid dream, I was being chased by a Michael Myers wannabe. I stopped, realized I must be dreaming because of the absurdity of the situation, then started spectating. I wish now that I'd given myself super-powers

[regine_phalange]

There was a time when I was having daily panic attacks and wasn't able to handle some scenes in movies without freaking out. Panic attacks can be somewhat traumatic if you really think you are about to die.

 

In my one "for sure" lucid dream, I was being chased by a Michael Myers wannabe. I stopped, realized I must be dreaming because of the absurdity of the situation, then started spectating. I wish now that I'd given myself super-powers

 

panic attacks must be very bad! I dont think I ve ever experienced this. I hope you are better now!

 

Haha, the super powers thing is nice to do!

 

I also like choosing with whom Im sleeping with in the dream. Or redecorating landscapes, rooms. But if I do too much of this stuff I end up waking my self up.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

I do. We seemed to have similar life experiences. But I feel in some way my mind can hide these things from me, except when I am in a situation the feels similar to something and my mind brings back those memories. One of my biggest fears is being shamed in public. I remember when I was a kid I was all happy acting dopey and excited in Christmas, and I got this look from this older kid who just shook his head, and after that I felt so shamed I locked myself in a room and felt sad.

 

There are many other when my mind is just wondering, I will bring back a shameful memory and I will just scream, and I might be with someone and they are what happened? I tell I just remembered something dumb. We judge ourselves so harshly, and instead of embracing our shames and failures we take such high measures to make sure they dont happen again.

 

I am hoping CBT can help me out, plus meds. And hell yeah it makes me angry, I walk on egg shells always looking to prevent future fallouts causing me to be fearful, it does help with being diplomatic, but sometimes I need to stand up for myself and I find my words not coming out and my feelings shutting me up. Some days I feel like dying, but I dont die, so I gotta keep trying.

Not being able to let go of the past keeps me living in the past. I'm not always present, or rather I'm usually lost in thought. I'm able to separate the inner-world in my head from what's really going on around me, but it's been somewhat of a challenge trying to keep the emotions from spilling over.