Author Lillyfree Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 Hold on a sec....I said you were being passive aggressive for allowing consequences to escalate when you KNOW he was not the responsible party for the bills etc. in the marriage prior to your EA. I like your approach in asking for help rather than just dumping it all on him. It shows that his opinions matter without putting you in the position of fixing errors or trying to keep score. Remember the point of the marriage is to be a team and pickup the slack. Not to keep score. i'm sorry, guess i was on the defensive and didn't mean to seem terse and obtuse. academically i understand everything that needs to be done. putting it into practice is a whole different thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 well, then he is definitely not over your EA... maybe it's his subconscious way of punishing you... perhaps. guess i should be a little more patient. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 well, no. if you are willing to just go ahead and do it anyway, props to you. what i get is 'i'll do it, leave it with me' and it just doesn't get done, sometimes with serious consequences. i am more than capable to take care of things, but he needs to grow up as he's approaching 40. i have two children and need a partner, not another baby. Your M has some major issues...the EA just muddied the waters. One of the things I find very helpful to me when faced with a problem is to take time to really analyze it. I write down all the pros and cons and attempt to weigh the situation. Each pro has its own value...eg. My kids will be happier in two-parent home. That's a big one for me. Each con too has its own value. My main one was a permanent threat to my physical health. I couldn't figure out what would trigger a violent episode leaving me in constant fear. Basically it was worded as "You could die at any moment". When you're done listing the good and the bad, after assigning them weights or importance, take your time about making a decision. The exercise of writing things down will help crystallize the situation in your mind. Can you achieve the good things listed when you are single? Think, think, think. You will come to a decision and will be comfortable with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted December 18, 2013 Author Share Posted December 18, 2013 Your M has some major issues...the EA just muddied the waters. One of the things I find very helpful to me when faced with a problem is to take time to really analyze it. I write down all the pros and cons and attempt to weigh the situation. Each pro has its own value...eg. My kids will be happier in two-parent home. That's a big one for me. Each con too has its own value. My main one was a permanent threat to my physical health. I couldn't figure out what would trigger a violent episode leaving me in constant fear. Basically it was worded as "You could die at any moment". When you're done listing the good and the bad, after assigning them weights or importance, take your time about making a decision. The exercise of writing things down will help crystallize the situation in your mind. Can you achieve the good things listed when you are single? Think, think, think. You will come to a decision and will be comfortable with it. thank you, findingnemo. i understand that it's trouble, and possibly bigger than i dare to think. i have made a decision to stick it out. H says he wants to make it work too. guess it's MC time. and thank you everyone for your replies and advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chattychatty Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I feel like (I think) what your husband must feel and you sound like what my wife sounds like. Bear with me - I think I might have some insight. We're the same age. I've been with W for almost 13 years and 2 young kids. For the past couple years I have felt some kind of emotion and I didn't know what it was. W thought I was grumpy, not intimate/available, etc. (I'd say 'we men...' but I don't know if it applies to all, so "I") I think others would say I'm successful and should be happy by all accounts. I think there are 2 things I see in me that others don't: a) I think deep inside (she has never said so) my wife is not happy with me. I think this because one day she will be unhappy with 'a' another with 'b' and another with 'c'. When/if I address a, b, and c it will be d, e, and f. This is a pattern - doesn't really come up daily though. b) I am unhappy with the person I have become. There is nothing major wrong with me (or so I think) but I remember a youthful time when I was different than I am now (I had goals, dreams, passion, etc --> now I live a 9-5 + routine). I am not sure if this is the beginning of a mid-life crisis or something but something of what you wrote reminded me of me. Perhaps what could help (both of) you is for you to temporarily stop thinking about what you see when you look at your H and think about what he thinks you see when you look at him. I think he might think you see something unappealing. I'm no professional at this, but he might just want what I want which is to feel 'W is proud of/happy with/in love with me'. Without feeling that, it is difficult to be a confident lover/husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted December 20, 2013 Author Share Posted December 20, 2013 thank you for your insight chatty. what would you need your wife to do for things to get better? Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 What happened to your and your husband now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted December 30, 2013 Author Share Posted December 30, 2013 What happened to your and your husband now? nothing really, we've put things on hold during the holidays. it's been mostly ok, busy with the kids and family so we haven't spoken much about our problems. we did discuss MC and he's decided to have some IC first - his decision purely, as according to him 'our problems are mostly due to him'. he's got an appointment this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted January 6, 2014 Author Share Posted January 6, 2014 H has had his first session with the counsellor. he was very anxious prior to it, i believe in his mind he sees going to counselling/therapy as something only people with mental illness do... however, he was very relieved and positive afterwards, even though the counsellor didn't hold back and seemed to be quite hard on him. she called him boring. doesn't think he's got depression, he's just taking a lazy approach to life. said that considering the age of our children, our M could go 3 ways: -concentrate on the kids. once the kids have left the home, we separate - which only leaves a few years -we keep going as we are and separate sooner -work on our marriage and turn towards each other more. she suggested MC, and not for her to be the one we go to as H has already seen her on his own and that could mean that i'm at a disadvantage. i said that i'm ok with it all if she's someone that he feels comfortable with. however, H doesn't want us to go to MC yet. he'd like to have another couple of sessions of IC, and see what changes once he starts implementing what she's advised. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 This is a HUGE step for him!!! Congrats!!! Without digging through your old posts.....have you done IC yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyfree Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 This is a HUGE step for him!!! Congrats!!! Without digging through your old posts.....have you done IC yet? thank you. i was so happy to see how he was after IC. and he's really been trying since... both of us have. i know things won't improve overnight but now there's hope that they will at least... i haven't gone to IC. or MC, even though i really want to. H insists on doing some IC himself first. although, i have to say i'm a little bit confused as to how harsh the therapist was - i don't have a lot of experience or knowledge of counselling, but i would have expected her to go a lot easier on him, especially considering my A. however, she turned it all on him. (obviously, it had a positive effect, but still...) Link to post Share on other sites
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