how do you forgive

[victoria]

I am having a problem with forgiveness , I know I have to forgive the past pain and hurt of my relationship to move forward , but I can't seem to get past it , I have been trying to forgive my husband for three years and It still feels like yesterday, i think I am going into depression also.

 

We are seperated and he just keeps saying he is doing what he can , which is what he has always done excuse it away, and ignore it, and wait for me to get past it and go on ,

 

But I can't seem to get past it ,its just there hanging over me like a black cloud , all the pain of his neglect and infedelity consumes me , we went to a councouler and she just didn't help us , she made it seem that it was no big deal too.

 

So I cry everyday and night hoping it will flood out of me ,

 

but it is still here , my heart hurts so badly , because all I ever wanted was a happy family and I am afraid it will never be now what makes it worse is he keeps telling me he wants to go on with his life after 7 years of getting everything he wanted , when I finally take a stand and say I can take no more he has the nerve to say that he needs a life ?! Nobody seems to care that what he has done has detroyed me , everyone just wants me to hurry up and fix it , I don't understand why it is soooo exceptable for a man to do this and act like well shes mad , but she get happy again , and then turn around and do it again .

 

I am having a hard time forgiving the fact that he was never there for me , even when our children were born it seemed to be just an inconvience to him , what kinda man lets his wife down at the most important times in her life?

 

and how do you forgive it when everytime theres a movie or show on showing a happy ,loving couple togeather sharing and loving the whole experiece , it brings up so much pain

 

that my heart feels like it will never be whole again?

 

SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME !

[Tony T]

You are stuck in a place and you have to ask yourself why you are stuck there.

 

Forgiveness is not for the benefit of those who have wronged us. Forgiveness is to release ourselves from the bondage of anger and free ourselves to live once again.

 

If we are unable to forgive, it is only because we are somehow...in some perverted way...comfortable remaining where we are or afraid of moving on. Perhaps you feel best stuck in the past. Perhaps you just want to stay pissed at your husband. After all, you allowed a lot of anger to be built up there. Depression is anger turned inward...so both are related.

 

Our lives are greatly simplified when we stop making demands and having expectations of other people. Yes, it would have been very nice for your husband to have fulfilled his conjugal obligations to be there for you, but he didn't. Demanding him to do so is way wrong. It is wrong to demand anything from anybody...wrong because people are only going to do what they will. It's insane to allow the behavior of OTHER people to upset us...particularly because we demanded or expected their behavior to be some other way. It is purely irrational.

 

Yes, I know it's extremely disappointing that things didn't work out. But let me tell you something right now, we are only humans on this planet. Human beings are fallible...they screw up...they aren't perfect. Even the last two Supermen; one committed suicide (George Reeves) and the other was paralyzed in a fall from a horse (Steve Reeves) Even Supermen aren't perfect. And the real Superman...well, he doesn't even exist.

 

You just have to understand that where people are concerned, what will happen will happen. People are just going to be what they are. I am so sorry to disappoint you...but there is no perfect man. Even the President of the United States got oral sex in the Oval Office...but he does have a good side too, he feels your pain.

 

If you want to be happy in life, go take a real cold shower now. Resolve from now until the end of the world, you will no longer demand or expect any human being to be anything other than what they are. And if your next guy says I do and promises you the world, great if you get it. But no sweat if you don't...because you didn't demand it or expect it.

[Rachel]

You have faced some serious issues in your life. It seems that you need to take a step back and look at your life from a different perspective.

 

First of all, if you are crying all the time, sleeping a lot or not enough, you are correct, you may be depressed. That is a problem you must deal with first and foremost, Call a doctor, if you've had no luck with your last one, call a new one.

 

Second of all, people don't make us happy or unhappy in life. They can through curveballs at us. You are the only person responsible for happiness in your life.

 

You don't have to put up with anything you don't want to. If you dont'find your husband has tried enough to suit your taste , then don't accept him back.

 

You seem to think you are supposed to just take things back to the way they were before. NO, you don't.

 

Be kind to yourself. Write down what you want and how you want to go about it. But deal with your depression first. Then the world won't look so dark.

[victoria]

I understand that there is no perfect relationship or person, or marriage for that matter, and I know that sometimes we all put demands on people because of our own expectations of what we would like it to be .

 

I have excepted the fact that I am the only person who can make me happy. I have started taking steps to better my future and prepare for my life alone, because I believe that it will come to that , because what i want is respect, love , and commitment from him and its not unheard of to expect these things from your husband who is surpose to love you, is it?

 

I mean isn't that what marriage is ?

 

He only thinks of himself and thats the bottom line , so I now have to think of myself and my children , and he will go on hurting people , because he will continue to believe that he can treat people like ##### and get away with it , because no one seems to think his neglect is wrong so he is only hearing it from me,

 

I don't get it, all I have done is tried to keep my family togeather,I have made my happiness the sacrifices for my family all this time and even that isn't good enough.

 

I don't understand what marriage is for if not an equal partner ship where both are required to give to each other the love and attention that each deserves.

 

Are you saying I am not surpose to want that ?

[Tony T]

The only rational approach to life is not to expect anything. It is absolutely wrong to expect anything from a marriage partner. Yes, it's absolutely wonderful if you get respect, love and committment. It's a real bonus. But when you expect something, you really set yourself up for disappointment. When you don't, you are quite tickled if you get it and not disappointed if you don't.

 

Of course, this line of thinking is beyond many people's grasp because we are taught to expect and demand as babies and that behavior is reinforced. So don't worry if you're not able to reach that point in your thinking.

 

But as long as you expect and demand, you open yourself up for great unhappiness because life happens just the way it's going to...and not the way you expect or demand it to.

 

And no, I am not saying you are not supposed to want a great marriage. What I am saying is don't expect it. Benjamin Franklin wrote in Poor Richard's Alamanac 230 years ago, "Blessed is he who expects nothing for he will never be disappointed."

 

The absolute key to total and complete happiness is accepting reality as it comes, dose by dose, and accepting it without judging it one way or the other. If you get married and your husband is a dxck, dump his butt and move on. It's is such a total waste to get all bent out of shape because he didn't turn out like you expected...or demanded. You are ONLY the captain of your ship, not anyone elses and you do not control the behavior of others.

 

We all have wants but life doesn't always deliver. We can either master life or let it master us. When you achieve mastery of life, you accept it exactly as it comes. And when you don't get what you want, you are still happy because you didn't expect it. And when you do, you are just as happy because you got a little bonus. I guess the key is to enjoy life always, regardless of its content. The Budhists call that Nirvana...other religions call it enlightenment. I call it just good sense. What a waste of time being upset...yet some people work so hard to remain that way.

 

You may not understand this now...but in time you will. One day you will reach the point where you just won't tolerate unhappiness anymore and you won't take any crap off of anybody.