I have subconscious abandonment issues.

[Keenly]

I discovered this last night. I was trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel in certain situations, and then it dawned on me. I have always had symptoms of what most people would peg as low confidence, but I have always thought that was crap, because I am.confident in myself and in situations that call for it, no problem.

 

However, I have problems standing up to people that I actually care about, even if they are clearly in the wrong. I also have problems with women when I am not interested in dating them. In relationships my heart craves a lot of affirmation. If I don't get any I get really insecure. I say this is a subconscious thing because I don't even realize its happening nor what I'm doing, also, the life events I'm about to list that lead to this problem I've consciously overcome and don't bother me when I think about them.

 

I was given up for adoption around a month or two old. Parents didn't want me.

My adoptive parents divorced when I was 3, father moved to Idaho. I visited my dad twice a year until I was 17. Haven't seen him since I was 17, or heard from him since February. I love my father very much, so its hard to accept that he has pretty much abandonded me.

My mother married an alcoholic ( while becoming one herself ) and this man hated me. I spent 10 to 17 locked inside my room, alone. The only place I felt safe , or even remotely wanted. I had no social life until I was about 14.

 

I'm terrified of letting the people I am closest to down. As a result of this fear, its keeping me distant from the rest of humanity.

 

The best analogy I can give is Logan AKA the wolverine from X men. Everyone he has ever loved dies, and he can not die, so he no longer let's people in, and that way he doesn't feel the pain of their loss . This is how I operate. I keep people at arms length so I don't get hurt when they leave, because they always leave. Its all I have ever known.

 

 

I have no clue how to help / repair / fix this problem. Any advice or suggestions are most welcome.

 

It has taken a lot for me to admit this, both to myself, and to the LS community.

[radiodarcy]

You are definitely not alone. I too was adopted (at 3 months); I don't know anything about my birth parents. My adoptive parents are twice divorced and married from one another; adoptive mother is an alcoholic as well.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and decided to tackle therapy earlier this year. I am making some process. But now my therapist wants me to start meeting people in real life.

 

She even wants me to invite people to my home. Something I really really really don't want to do. I feel safe at home. I also don't need sad reminders haunting me if I were to get into a relationship with someone only to have things not work out and him leave again.

 

That to me would just be the ultimate violation of my safe space. And I just can't allow it.

 

Lately, the fear of abandonment has turned me into a near recluse. I do go out to run errands (alone), go the the gym, walk the dog and work. But that's it.

 

The snowy/icy weather has been a good cover. I can use it as an excuse not to go anywhere. I picked a fight with a co-worker yesterday and then told my boss that I wouldn't be coming in this morning because of the roads.

 

I'm almost sure no one believed me (the roads aren't that bad) but they probably didn't care. Because no one wants to sit in a tension filled room.

 

At this rate, I'd almost rather people think the worst about me so that they don't want to get close to me. That way I don't have to worry about them getting close to me and their inevitably departure down the road...

Edited December 11, 2013 by radiodarcy

[KathyM]

It sounds like you have a lot of self awareness. Now what you need is therapy to help you resolve your fears of abandonment. I suggest you start there, by calling a therapist to work on this issue with you.

[tlegend]

Keenly, I don't want to hijack your thread, but I would like to relate to you.

 

I too have abandonment issues, and it went un-checked for yeaaaaaaaars.

 

And when I read about how you need a lot of affirmation of the other person's affection for you. I felt like I was reading something I typed myself. I feel the same in my own ability as far as my social skills go, but I do not have anyone I can say has made it past the walls I've put up over the years. I had grown accustomed to losing everything that came into my life, including the people I loved. I don't want to dive into the details, but by other means, our childhood played out very similar.

 

Coupled with being in a a few relationships riddled with infidelity, I learned, over time, that I was putting myself into situations without knowing the extent of my own issues. I became angry all the time. It's not that I want to go hurt people, nothing of that nature, but there is a clear "point" in which I "give up" and let the emotions flood in, mostly the anger.

 

My current GF pointed out to me that I don't let ANYONE in. Even muttering the phrase "I love you" is so ridiciously hard for me, and I have no idea why. I know it's related to some of the issues that I have become aware of.

 

Therapy and behavior modification was the route I was told to take. It sounds terrible, it does, but it isn't. As she pointed out to me, therapy is not something a crazy person does. You don't even have to consider yourself damaged. You simply were not afforded the luxury of learning the tools to cope and operate without needing the reassurance of affection. This in turn has a direct effect on your relationships you choose to allow in your life, and the more tools you learn to cope with your feelings and emotions, the higher the quality of life you will experience.

 

Forums such as these, where you can truly stand a part from a situation and give your hearts answers, shows me how to view problems from both sides. That has helped me a lot when I feel like I'm getting to the point where I'm going to lose control of my emotions and start thinking irrationally.

 

I don't have all the answers. I wish I did. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and that there IS help.

[FitChick]

Keenly, I sent you a PM with the answer to all of your problems!

[Tiger Lily]

OMG, Keenly, I can't even imagine everything you went through as a kid.

Thank you for sharing your story. It's very inspirational to me, and others I'm sure.

 

 

I think therapy is good. It may seem like you are very broken, and don't have the tools you need to be in a healthy relationship. But I think you have everything you need to learn and develop the right tools, because you are so self-aware and honest with yourself.

 

 

But ultimately, the more important question will come from a spiritual/existential relationship with God. What are your thoughts about God, and God's love?