AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 I want to tell him. He already knows, we've told each other how we feel.. All except those actual words but they are on the tip of my tongue. In the beginning I specifically told him we can't ever say that because we can't go back from it.. But I want to. I don't know if its a mistake. I just want to be able to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 How old Is the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Author Share Posted December 11, 2013 How old Is the relationship? Friends for years.. affair is just over a year in. We are both married to other people. Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 You KNOW its a mistake and that is why you haven't done it yet. Please don't cross that road. You have gone far enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 I take it you still have no plans on divorcing your husband and MM has no intention of divorcing his wife so you two can be together? It's an affair and probably wise NOT to say I love you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Author Share Posted December 11, 2013 I take it you still have no plans on divorcing your husband and MM has no intention of divorcing his wife so you two can be together? It's an affair and probably wise NOT to say I love you. If I thought we could be together happily, Id divorce and be with OM. He has said he would too. But there are children and so many mutual family and friends it would be a disaster. So no.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Author Share Posted December 11, 2013 You KNOW its a mistake and that is why you haven't done it yet. Please don't cross that road. You have gone far enough. I do feel it would be a mistake. It's good to be reminded. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Autumn, I don't suggest saying I love you. My ex MM and I said I love you and the emotions complicated the affair. I loved him so much it hurt. He said the same. I hated that I was in love with someone I couldn't be with. My emotions for him caused me to become depressed and weak. I couldn't focus on work, life or anything. I thought about him 24/7. I cut the affair very recently and I still feel a lot of pain. If you have no intentions of leaving your M, keep the emotions out of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Eh. I am not sure saying the words would change much. You already have the feelings, voicing them, or not, would not change them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Why do you think he has never said the words to you if he feels it's true? Just curious, not judging. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 For me, saying it did change things. I knew both of us loved each other before we said it. However, once those words were said and our mutual feelings were verified, it changed everything. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 For me, saying it did change things. I knew both of us loved each other before we said it. However, once those words were said and our mutual feelings were verified, it changed everything. Same for me. I recall the day he kept asking me weird questions like "so what do you think of me", "how do you feel about me", "are you as happy as I am". Of course I kept my answers vague like," I think your a great person", "I enjoy your friendship very much", "I feel very happy, why do I act like I'm not happy"? Then he said "I just want to know if you love me the way I love you"? BAM!!! I should have walked away right then, but I couldn't because I felt the exact same way. CRAP!!! Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 They are only words. Whether said or not, they don't really mean much compared to actions. Love means different things to all of us. Without care, or respect, or unselfish motivation... its nothing really. What you hear and what you experience can be total opposites. Just words. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 If I thought we could be together happily, Id divorce and be with OM. He has said he would too. But there are children and so many mutual family and friends it would be a disaster. So no.. It's going to be a disaster and very messy situation regardless. Only a matter of time before your A is exposed, either by someone else or you two get caught. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 It's going to be a disaster and very messy situation regardless. Only a matter of time before your A is exposed, either by someone else or you two get caught. this!! and when it happens it will be disastrous 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Star4223 Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Please don't do it, thats where all my problems started! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Author Share Posted December 11, 2013 Why do you think he has never said the words to you if he feels it's true? Just curious, not judging. When I first felt like he was about to I specifically said dont. That was in the beginning and it just freaked me out. I thought we should avoid saying it and said so.. And mentioned a time I had ended a relationship before because of the same words. So I don't feel he will ever say it before I do now. And that's ok, maybe we shouldn't, Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted December 11, 2013 Author Share Posted December 11, 2013 It's going to be a disaster and very messy situation regardless. Only a matter of time before your A is exposed, either by someone else or you two get caught. I just don't think you're correct. Our situation is very different than what seems to be typical. We hardly do anything that could be considered inappropriate for the most part. It's very balanced and calm. We are friends.. Our emotional connection is very much left unsaid and unspoken now a days. We don't go on dates.. We hang out with friends. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 I just don't think you're correct. Our situation is very different than what seems to be typical. We hardly do anything that could be considered inappropriate for the most part. It's very balanced and calm. We are friends.. Our emotional connection is very much left unsaid and unspoken now a days. We don't go on dates.. We hang out with friends. Yeah but you two are having an affair (EA whatever) right under your spouses, friends and children's noses! It isn't platonic, innocent at all. It's self serving, selfish and ON the expense of your spouses. Have you actually thought of the fallout? How each innocent person in this will feel? How you'd react, what you'd say? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 I just don't think you're correct. Our situation is very different than what seems to be typical. We hardly do anything that could be considered inappropriate for the most part. It's very balanced and calm. We are friends.. Our emotional connection is very much left unsaid and unspoken now a days. We don't go on dates.. We hang out with friends. So why the need to voice feelings you've so far avoided doing? Loving someone is not a crime. But acknowledging those feelings may lead to acting on them. Isn't that why you avoided it from the beginning? So the question maybe shouldn't be whether or not to say the words but why you feel the need to do so right now? Could things be escalating emotionally for you both? Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Eh. I am not sure saying the words would change much. You already have the feelings, voicing them, or not, would not change them. I agree completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 I think if you could be honest with yourself and see the progression of your affair you'd realize how deep in you are. The fact you are burning to tell him I love you is very telling. This relationship is consuming you. Go read all your past posts. You and he are not just friends. And your affair is not somehow special. It is a different type of affair of course than the ones with a co-worker or someone outside of your social circle. But it is very much just like all other friend affairs. You are investing energy and time in to a dead end relationship but are in denial that it is affecting your family and home life. Big time denial. And that, I'm sorry to say, is very typical to an affair. Tell him you love him. I agree with both sides that yes, they are just words but also they can be opening the pandora's box. Relationships must grow and develop. That is often why marriages fail because people feel tey have arrived and stop working on the marriage. Affairs are often the same. You say you want everything to stay the same and be on a continuous loop but for you it isn't enough. That is why you are feeling the urge to say "i love you". So, how do you want this to progress? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted December 11, 2013 Share Posted December 11, 2013 Why take it to the next level if there is no real future? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 Hmmmm in some ways I'm like what does it matter. You don't plan to end it. He doesn't. You don't plan to divorce. Neither does he. Maybe saying I love you will mysteriously start an avalanche of "no going back" but it seems like things have gone far already as is and that such declarations might not make any difference. What are YOU afraid of re saying it? What do you think will change about things if you do? Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 My xMM and I never said it either (we're both married with no plans to leave) We didn't really get mushy at all except just a few times of how happy we both were. After his DDay, I was shell-shocked that it was over & I really regretted that I had never told him how I felt, how much he meant to me, all the things I loved about him. As the NC months went on, I was over analyzing and second guessing everything...what if I HAD told him? Would it make a difference? Was this amazing connection actually a taste of what a life together could be like? Maybe it wasn't completely out of the question to leave our Ms and be together? And on & on. After 4 months NC, he broke & called me because he wanted to tell me how much he cared for me, how he'd never have anyone like me in his life again, etc. All of the things Id been thinking about since we said goodbye! So I finally had the chance to tell him too. Neither of us said "love." He started listing reasons he couldn't get divorced so in the end does it really matter? He knew I cared about him very very much and claimed he felt the same but at the end of the day, we're now 7 months NC and both stayed in out Ms, so what's the point?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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