We've never said "I love you" and I want to

[Lillyfree]

to me those words are one of the steps forward in a relationship. and don't think they should be said unless you're expecting further steps...

 

in an A - why would it matter really?

[beach]

to me those words are one of the steps forward in a relationship. and don't think they should be said unless you're expecting further steps...

 

in an A - why would it matter really?

 

Do you expect something more, OP?

[Artie Lang]

Why take it to the next level if there is no real future?

 

sounds to me like that ship has already sailed.

 

 

this poster doesn't realize how deep she really is in this affair. she keeps posting how they are "just friends," only in it for the sex, but her posts speak otherwise.

 

i don't think you're fooling anyone concerning your true feelings for this man- your friends' husband, at that.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Sub]

Just think about how many times the MM has told his BS he loves her. Then ask yourself how big a deal "the words" are versus the actions.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve. I think just peace. I just want to tell him because I feel it strongly, but I agree it would probably make things harder.

 

I needed to hear reasons why I shouldn't I guess, but hoping to hear ones why I should.

[beach]

I'm unsure there's much value in saying it.

 

You must tell your H often enough, right?

 

What would it change if you said it to your MM?

 

My gut says it would just complicate things further with the possibility of more expectations.

[Fluttershy]

If you want to tell him you love him then do it. You obviously do what you want, hang the consequences. After all you have risked everything to have this affair. At his point what does it matter if you say ILYs. I think you want more and this is just a progression of your A. I think part of you wants to be caught so you can be together... Or better yet both your spouse just choose to divorce you for other reasons.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm unsure there's much value in saying it.

 

You must tell your H often enough, right?

 

What would it change if you said it to your MM?

 

My gut says it would just complicate things further with the possibility of more expectations.

 

I do love my husband. I do not believe people can only love one person at a time that makes no sense to me. I love them in completely different ways.

 

My gut says dont say it too though.

[AutumnMoon]

If you want to tell him you love him then do it. You obviously do what you want, hang the consequences. After all you have risked everything to have this affair. At his point what does it matter if you say ILYs. I think you want more and this is just a progression of your A. I think part of you wants to be caught so you can be together... Or better yet both your spouse just choose to divorce you for other reasons.

 

I think about things carefully before I do them.

I may not come to the same conclusions as you would. But I'm thinking about everything that might happen.

I don't just do them because I feel like it. It's not like that at all.

 

.. And the last thing I want is for our marriages to end. I don't want that. In an ideal situation we would have met years ago.. First.. But that's not what's going to happen now. We both know that.

 

We are in happy marriages for the most part, I'm hoping in a few years my husband makes home more his home base.. And he hope his wife opens up to affection..

[Fluttershy]

I do love my husband. I do not believe people can only love one person at a time that makes no sense to me. I love them in completely different ways.

 

My gut says dont say it too though.

 

I believe people can romanticall live more than one person at a time too. But What a lot of people object to is this:

 

How can you say you love someone and continue for that length of time betraying them. That isn't true love, it is selfish love. That isn't the love we want to show are kids, that it is okay to betray and hurt our loved ones.

 

I don't doubt you think you love your husband. But it really does no matter. He won't feel very loved when he finds out you are in love with another man and sleeping with him. I could claim to love my husband but ignore him and my actions would speak louder than my words. I do doubt how truly honest you are about this affair and the impact it will have on your loved ones. Or where it is headed. I also wonder if you were honest with yourself if your feelings for your husband have changed.

[Fluttershy]

I think about things carefully before I do them.

I may not come to the same conclusions as you would. But I'm thinking about everything that might happen.

I don't just do them because I feel like it. It's not like that at all.

 

.. And the last thing I want is for our marriages to end. I don't want that. In an ideal situation we would have met years ago.. First.. But that's not what's going to happen now. We both know that.

 

We are in happy marriages for the most part, I'm hoping in a few years my husband makes home more his home base.. And he hope his wife opens up to affection..

 

Nobody who has a grasp of reality who enters in to an affair talks like you. I really do think you should read your own posts and think about how this affair has progressed.

Happy marriages don't involve backstabbing. It is a false happy that at any moment could come crashing down.

You say you think things through... Yet you are exploding to tell your xMM ILY... So how is that going to work out for you if your husband stop travelling?

[AutumnMoon]

I don't doubt you think you love your husband. But it really does no matter. He won't feel very loved when he finds out you are in love with another man and sleeping with him. I could claim to love my husband but ignore him and my actions would speak louder than my words. I do doubt how truly honest you are about this affair and the impact it will have on your loved ones. Or where it is headed. I also wonder if you were honest with yourself if your feelings for your husband have changed.

 

My feelings for my husband have definitely changed. But they are not gone. His job and life keep him away a lot and its affected my entire way of thinking. I'm lonely a lot for sure, and I did not mean to fall in love with someone else, but I did.

 

I need to try and keep it friendship based. He knows I love him, I know it. No need to say it. I just don't like to have regrets and I really feel it.

 

I love my husband too. There are so many kinds of love. My husband is not pining away or ignored by me. Not at all. He's living his life by his rules, I am living mine for my family and my kids.. And this one extra thing that I understand I can't justify. It's wrong and I know it. But I do not want to lose it. Or him in my life, or my marriage.

[AutumnMoon]

Nobody who has a grasp of reality who enters in to an affair talks like you. I really do think you should read your own posts and think about how this affair has progressed.

Happy marriages don't involve backstabbing. It is a false happy that at any moment could come crashing down.

You say you think things through... Yet you are exploding to tell your xMM ILY... So how is that going to work out for you if your husband stop travelling?

 

I WANT my husband to stop traveling and be home. The affair would slowly end, the friendship would continue hopefully but my marriage is my ultimate priority.

 

 

And I haven't said I love you in a year. I probably won't. I do agree it would complicate things even further.

[Fluttershy]

You don't really get it... Affairs of this depth rarely fizzle out. MM has become your hearts priority. If your husband stays local you won't be able to wean off him or stop pining for him. You are not friends with benefits and telling yourself that until you are out of breath won't make it so.

 

You have gambled with your kids happiness, your husband's heart, your life, your heart on the chance that nothing will change and you wil never be discovered. You have sold your soul to the devil as far as your conscience, empathy and understanding go. Even if you manage to continue on undiscovered for the rest of your life you have basically signed up for internal damage and heartache.

 

You talk about yor A as being something little just for you. It isn't a hobby or a recreational sport. It is a self destructive time bomb. And the longer you participate in your "little" game the worse it will be when it all falls. Your kids will be older and more devestated, your heart will be more divided, and your husband will be left with a million pieces to pick up.

[beach]

My feelings for my husband have definitely changed. But they are not gone. His job and life keep him away a lot and its affected my entire way of thinking. I'm lonely a lot for sure, and I did not mean to fall in love with someone else, but I did.

 

I need to try and keep it friendship based. He knows I love him, I know it. No need to say it. I just don't like to have regrets and I really feel it.

 

I love my husband too. There are so many kinds of love. My husband is not pining away or ignored by me. Not at all. He's living his life by his rules, I am living mine for my family and my kids.. And this one extra thing that I understand I can't justify. It's wrong and I know it. But I do not want to lose it. Or him in my life, or my marriage.

 

This is concerning for you.

 

If you live for your family and kids - your kids eventually grow up and have their own lives (if you've taught them to be healthy and productive on their own).

 

So that would eventually leave you with hubby traveling or the two of you on your own as you age.

 

It may be wise to consider outside interests for yourself. To grow and expand your world beyond your family life.

 

That way as you age - you have a variety of things to keep you busy and interested in life.

[Trimmer]

I do love my husband. I do not believe people can only love one person at a time that makes no sense to me. I love them in completely different ways.

Maybe I accept that you can love more than one person at a time. If you do, however, I don't think you should betray more than zero of them at a time.

 

 

I'm lonely a lot for sure, and I did not mean to fall in love with someone else, but I did.

 

.... vs .....

 

I think about things carefully before I do them.

 

 

I love my husband too. There are so many kinds of love. My husband is not pining away or ignored by me. Not at all. He's living his life by his rules, I am living mine for my family and my kids..

Are you sure you really know what rules your husband is living by? Because he clearly isn't aware of yours.

[whichwayisup]

I think about things carefully before I do them.

I may not come to the same conclusions as you would. But I'm thinking about everything that might happen.

I don't just do them because I feel like it. It's not like that at all.

 

.. And the last thing I want is for our marriages to end. I don't want that. In an ideal situation we would have met years ago.. First.. But that's not what's going to happen now. We both know that.

 

We are in happy marriages for the most part, I'm hoping in a few years my husband makes home more his home base.. And he hope his wife opens up to affection..

 

Then do not say I love you to him. Just don't. It's pointless and only going to cause more problems. You both intend on staying married, again it's pointless to say it to him.

[Sub]

I do love my husband. I do not believe people can only love one person at a time that makes no sense to me.

 

It's easy to think this when you're the one doing the "loving", in my opinion. Yet I doubt you'd be content if your H told you he loves someone else as well. Unless this is a new revelation, I don't understand the point of getting/remaining married.

[twosadthings]

With this new escalation in the circumstances of your faithlessness do you honestly still think that you won't be found out?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[AutumnMoon]

With this new escalation in the circumstances of your faithlessness do you honestly still think that you won't be found out?

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

 

There has been no escalation. No I'd say we are quite calm and safe right now, things are good.

[Sub]

There has been no escalation. No I'd say we are quite calm and safe right now, things are good.

 

That word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[Fluttershy]

There has been no escalation. No I'd say we are quite calm and safe right now, things are good.

 

And this is what denial looks like... Have you reread your own posts yet?

 

While you are at it you should read peaksandvalleys posts. Her spouse thought he had it all under control and her outwitted... How wrong he was.

[AutumnMoon]

And this is what denial looks like... Have you reread your own posts yet?

 

While you are at it you should read peaksandvalleys posts. Her spouse thought he had it all under control and her outwitted... How wrong he was.

 

If anybody knew, we would know by now.

 

I'm not saying there isn't a possibility someone suspects attraction. I've talked about his wife thinking I'm saving their marriage before, and we obviously must show some signs with body language and the way as look and speak to each other in front of people.

 

I know what I've posted.

Obviously this has had my head spinning at times. I've never advocated someone get into an affair. But right now it's where I'm at and I don't feel regret. That's me, that's my choice. I don't understand how it's the worst thing in the world.

Sex is just sex.. It's the emotional connection that has my head spinning. I wasn't expecting to feel the way I do now. I'm not completely cold. When I'm with my husband I'm WITH my husband, all in, it's not hard as he's here sometimes less than a week a month.

 

I am in love with this other man no matter how bad that seems to anyone else it doesn't feel bad to me, because I love everything about him. I also love my husband very much and want to continue building a life with him and help him reach his career goals by running our household while he's away and being his partner when he's home.

 

I'm not asking anyone else to agree.

[Pastypop]

Wish I would have told mine that. All he ever said was I have feelings for you but, never gave any detail. If I would have said that, then he would have probably not replied or we could have had the talk. This would have given me control of the relationship and I would have ended it on my terms instead of getting slightly involved in a dday, getting kicked the curb and hit with no contact ASAP. Sure would have saved me a bunch of heartache.

[Trimmer]

I'm not asking anyone else to agree.

Especially not your husband, it seems.