Troubled Relationship but We Have A Baby?

[rosieblack]

My partner and I were only together for six months when I got pregnant. It was unplanned but we were/are so in love and I would never abort a baby. We met overseas and are from different countries, so we moved together to my home to be with my family while expecting ours. We've now been together for almost two years and our son is now seven months old. We both love him SO MUCH - but our relationship is pretty much stagnant. We aren't married.

 

We very rarely have sex anymore, maybe once a month and I normally initiate it. I have a much bigger need for intimacy, affection and sex than he seems to. He is just not interested and says he doesn't know why. Last night is what triggered this posting - I said I wanted sex and was flatly refused because he was too tired. I'm sure this is not normal! It has been literally a month. He didn't even have sex with me on my birthday. Aside from this, we do the standard kiss goodbye in the morning and to bed at night... but nothing else. No passion, no romance and barely any affection.

 

THIS IS DOING MY HEAD IN. I find it so damaging to my self-esteem and I'm almost at breaking point. I have brought this issue up with him SO MANY TIMES and he says he doesn't know and that things will eventually change, but they don't. When I do bring it up, he says he does so much for the family financially and looks after me (I work too now from home while still caring for my son. I think that counts as a full-time job!) and does that not count for anything? He makes me feel guilty for making HIM feel bad. I think I have a right to feel loved and appreciated.

 

If we didn't have a son, I would leave. I always think that family is so important though, and I don't want my son to have a broken family. I feel like I have to make a decision based on my own personal happiness or keeping the family unit together.

 

My partner refuses to go to counselling so I am at a loss. We are just friends co-habiting under the same roof. We are so unrecognisable from those first few months where we were crazy in love. PLEASE HELP ME.

Edited December 11, 2013 by rosieblack

[Elliotte]

I am guessing the sex was a lot more passionate and frequent before the pregnancy when you two were in the beginning phase of the relationship? Welcome to the club, my wife went from insatiable, kinky and voracious in the bedroom the first year to now where often I initiate things and often get rejected, or she initiates it and often it feels like she's just doing it because she feels obligated and goes through the motions. This change was also due to big changes in the relationship and living circumstances.

 

For the longest time I have tried to just talk it out with her, and usually got either defensiveness or her saying she needs to seek therapeutic or medical help and agrees there is a problem. What I've learned is that hearing your partner tell you to get back to the passion of the beginnings, isn't going to get the whole job done. On one hand, the beginning passions of a relationship are before all the serious stuff hits the both of you, and often that causes one's libido to dive a bit, some people just aren't able to keep the passion for their partner going after that tough learning curve of going from fun to serious, so you need to expect there will be times where the quality of the passion will dip, a relationship where a couple can keep up the same level of passion for years or decades is an extreme rarity. On the other hand, you two do need to establish a middle ground where the two of you can be happy. Finding that middle ground and learning to be happy with it will take a long time. It will test your patience, and you need to give your partner time, the more you harp on it, the more time it will take.

 

Not the best thing to deal with but it is one of those things that test whether you're in it for life or not. Give your partner all the faith you can and try to stay positive. I know their lack of passion can hurt us, but that lack of passion is probably caused by some pain they have as well.

[Solcita2]

Whenever you get together with a person from a different country after meeting in a neutral place, things like this might happen, specially when you two became a family not too long after meeting in the first place.

You went from the honey-moon period to an almost instant family, with relocation in the middle.

 

The cultural differences are also something you have to pay attention to, for example, the sex drive for a Latin guy is not the same for a Japanese one... and also with the women... and the counseling view also changes A LOT... I can't imagine asking a Japanese guy (for example) for couple's therapy...

 

I wonder, how was your relationship (besides sex) before the pregnancy? Was he more attentive?

 

How is your relationship now (besides sex)? Do you consider him your best friend?

 

How old are you guys?

 

And what countries are you from? Cultural speaking are you too different?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well you already sound like you're living the typical married life, so not sure why you would want that added to the plate, it will just make it harder to get out.

 

Secondly, yes...miraculously most relationships are amazing in the first two months...who knew! and within six months even, or even for a full year! but once you had the baby you guys were forced into a completely different and fast forwarded role and that likely contributed to the point of extinguishing the mystery and magic of getting to know and understand the relationship beyond the honey-moon period where everything seems like it'll just last forever.

 

In one respect you had no choice to enjoy your relationship and you were essentially forced into a role the relationship wasn't ready for...it takes a strong relationship IMO to withstand the addition of a child otherwise I see them just fall apart whether they're just not strong or ready...I've never seen a relationship improve with a child yet, sure the love for the child is there and even the commitment but that might be reflected in the child only, not romantically or the relationship from what I've observed and understood.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I've had relationships where the intensity, feelings didn't die down but the passion and realities were affected, and if there was problems and incompatibilities then things became difficult.

 

There's also likely some truth to cultural differences however that's a bit depending on what this is, it may be the least irrelevant depending on the issues you really have...I've dated women from different backgrounds/cultures quite a bit for some reason and I know that there is some cultural impact but that I feel is more pertinent when the relationship gets serious...I am more concerned with less sexual or more sexual women, or expressive and non-expressive the more sexual and expressive the better for me...compatibility wise.

 

Whatever is the problem I don't think it's going to change, I think if there is a serious problem is not something he is willing to face or even fix, and quite possibly it might be that he has lost that love and interest in the relationship at this point..he might just be doing what he is doing now based on his duty and values. He doesn't seem all that emotionally invested or romantically motivated and that's a hard thing to add to a relationship if not impossible by my opinion.

 

I think it was too much too fast, he seems like a decent responsible guy but I don't think he's in it for the intimacy anymore...you might not want to hear this but it's much easier for him to stray at this point, when men are emotionally disconnected from their relationships and even women, they tend to look for fulfillment elsewhere.

 

I would advise you to have a deep, honest conversation about many things and make a decision before something just externally happens to the relationship that changes the landscape or you just become increasingly unhappy and both of you become complacent about the lack of romance and just chalk it up to serving the child's best interest.....that for me personally is not a worthy trade-off, I'd like to raise a child in a family not necessarily married but a loving family, not a plastic one where both parents are just merely there...I would want to show my child by example not by words personally but I suppose that's easier said than done with a child in the picture...however I'm a pretty strong-minded guy and once I make my mind up about something I'm pretty passionate about it, regardless of the consequences because I'd rather not suffer or lie to myself, can't do it for long even if i tried.