I want to stop thinking about her

[WrinkledForehead]

Brief backstory: I was the OW. CM left his LTR not quite three months ago.

 

She pops into my mind frequently enough for it to bug me. This latest bout of it was likely brought on by the fact that they'd prearranged (shortly after he ended the R) for him to care for the dog this last weekend while she was away.

 

It's brought on by stupid things: we were cuddling under a blanket earlier and I wondered how many times she's lain under it. I had a horrible thought of the dog dying (she's very old), them grieving & burying the dog, and her trying to get a kiss during an emotionally intimate moment. He threw out lotion today that's been bugging me. I have dry skin but refuse to use it as I've wondered if wearing the same smell she's worn before would trigger something for him.

 

He's done nothing to show that I can't trust him, minus the level of deceit shown during the A. I did mention this to him bluntly. Call a spade a spade. In his and my defense, if I for a second believed he was deceptive on a regular basis I wouldn't be with him. But he's not. He's been open and honest and we've plainly discussed these matters.

 

She also has done nothing to indicate that she thinks reconciliation is a possibility.

 

So this leaves my broken parts. He hugged me and told me to not pay them attention and it frustrated me. They're not invited thoughts. I don't want them.

 

So when do they go away? It's not been to the detriment of our R but they do cause me pain.

[whichwayisup]

Are you two living together already? this could be a reason too. You two maybe should have slowed things down, dated again like a new couple, rid of the affair dynamic and take it all slowly.

 

These are your issues, jealously, worried and thinking the worst case senario's, what if's.. worry about that if or when it actually happens. Instead of being hurt by his past, accept it. You have a past just like he does, its' just how you two got together is what makes your R harder. Deal with things as they come up and try not to let his ex ruin it for you. That hand cream? I would have used it if was a good cream. And, if he it made him think of her, so what? If he is going to think of her, he's going to think of her and you can't control that.

[WrinkledForehead]

Are you two living together already? this could be a reason too. You two maybe should have slowed things down, dated again like a new couple, rid of the affair dynamic and take it all slowly.

 

These are your issues, jealously, worried and thinking the worst case senario's, what if's.. worry about that if or when it actually happens. Instead of being hurt by his past, accept it. You have a past just like he does, its' just how you two got together is what makes your R harder. Deal with things as they come up and try not to let his ex ruin it for you. That hand cream? I would have used it if was a good cream. And, if he it made him think of her, so what? If he is going to think of her, he's going to think of her and you can't control that.

 

No, we don't live together and have no immediate plans of living together.

 

It was crappy lotion.

 

It is the "what ifs." And they're all specific to her; I don't have an issue with his past R's.

 

It gets better in time, but what exactly can I do to move past these thoughts?

[HopingAgain]

Time, and his consistent honest behavior are the only things that will help in this scenario. Your doubts are normal because you started your relationship as an affair. You know how well he is capable of lying and covering up the truth. It will take time, maybe years, of honesty and consistency before your doubts and insecurities settle down.

[Summer Breeze]

I have to say I'm a little bit confused here. Why are you under blankets they shared and why are you in a place where her lotion would be? Are you watching the dog at her house or their old house? I'm not sure if I'm getting the full picture here.

 

My xH and I decided to live in the house he'd shared with his xW. His kids were there and settled so it was completely logical to move me in rather than disrupt everyone. Complete logic had to make way for emotions and ghosts. I couldn't stand living in the house they shared. It wasn't ours and there was nothing I was going to be able to do to make sure it was. I have to say that if you're living there you would struggle no matter how your R with him began. If you're watching the dog and there for a weekend or something -- don't do it again. Let the dog come to your BF or something but do not allow yourself to be put into that situation. Let him know the dog isn't the problem but the location is. TELL HIM. Don't expect him to read your mind and somehow just know this has all bothered you.

 

Go to counseling. Please. DMM and I worked with a therapist for a year to get over some of the things you've mentioned. It's tough and it isn't for the faint of heart. Don't assume he knows what you're feeling, tell him!!

 

Take care!

[WrinkledForehead]

I have to say I'm a little bit confused here. Why are you under blankets they shared and why are you in a place where her lotion would be? Are you watching the dog at her house or their old house? I'm not sure if I'm getting the full picture here.

 

My xH and I decided to live in the house he'd shared with his xW. His kids were there and settled so it was completely logical to move me in rather than disrupt everyone. Complete logic had to make way for emotions and ghosts. I couldn't stand living in the house they shared. It wasn't ours and there was nothing I was going to be able to do to make sure it was. I have to say that if you're living there you would struggle no matter how your R with him began. If you're watching the dog and there for a weekend or something -- don't do it again. Let the dog come to your BF or something but do not allow yourself to be put into that situation. Let him know the dog isn't the problem but the location is. TELL HIM. Don't expect him to read your mind and somehow just know this has all bothered you.

 

Go to counseling. Please. DMM and I worked with a therapist for a year to get over some of the things you've mentioned. It's tough and it isn't for the faint of heart. Don't assume he knows what you're feeling, tell him!!

 

Take care!

 

Our situation is atypical in the fact that they never married and never lived together but did have a 15 year relationship. His home is his, but small thoughts like that are small trigger points for me. She didn't live in his home at any point and he has been great at helping to resolve these points (removing the few photos of her displayed, throwing away the lotion, etc).

 

The dog isn't transportable and it's a point I've left alone. he has no interaction with her besides a brief phone call and does watch it at her house. Because of all of the details regarding it, its one situation I don't let bother me. It did, but we've discussed that specific situation in detail and reached compromise.

 

I've considered relationship counseling and I'm not opposed to it, but I don't feel it quite necessary. We have open discussion regarding these things and I'm unsure that a third party is needed for us.

 

We're actually in need of a discussion regarding boundaries in general, as well as a few other things. We're both aware the discussions need to happen soon. I'm not sure it will rid me of the trigger points but with a greater understanding of each other we can reach compromise sooner and continue to grow a healthy bond.

 

I do appreciate the well wishes and advice. Thank you.

[threelaurels]

What are you feeling when you think of her? Guilt, jealousy, concern? Something else? I think the first step is to try and identify why exactly the feelings you're having are causing you pain. You're likely feeling a mix of many things, but, once you identify what the prominent emotions are, you'll be better equipped for figuring out how to best deal with the problem.

[WrinkledForehead]

What are you feeling when you think of her? Guilt, jealousy, concern? Something else? I think the first step is to try and identify why exactly the feelings you're having are causing you pain. You're likely feeling a mix of many things, but, once you identify what the prominent emotions are, you'll be better equipped for figuring out how to best deal with the problem.

 

Fear. She's always been a threat to my R with him. He stated yesterday that he does not regret leaving her. He left that R somewhat independent from me: yes, I existed and had an impact on that decision and likely influenced it heavily. But the bottom line is that he left because he was unhappy, his needs weren't being met, and at that point he felt the R was irreparable. He initially went to IC to explore that.

 

Even so, I worry that the 15 year bond they had is stronger than what we have. No, even more than that, I'm scared because of my past experiences. I've been dumped for a previous relationship before. The method of the split was horrible, with me not knowing why until two months after the guy ceased contact without a word. He's been broken up with her a year before we started dating. This was an experience I had prior to bf but it messed me up pretty badly.

 

I suppose some part of me is carrying that pain into this situation with bf. I worry that she'll come back around and he'll leave me for her.

 

He doesn't quite understand why I have such strong negative emotions surrounding her. I should explain that its because I felt so much pain in the A (which he is well aware of and was the whole time) and a lot of it had her as a factor. Ive never had a positive experience regarding her, so any thoughts result in a negative emotional response.

 

I think its fear though. Fear that he'll go back to her. It's not so bad that its to the detriment of our R, and he's mostly aware of my feelings in regards to it.

[WrinkledForehead]

What sort of boundaries are due to be discussed? And how does a conversation like that start and what does it consist of? (Im curious for my own sake if you dont mind sharing)

 

As for the thoughts of the ex. Well i think its just par for the course when you have overlapping Rs. I still get tings of jealousy big time re: my BF's exes and they were years before me. I cant imagine if it was just a month or two ago. That being said, I mean i think it just takes time and communication. You said your Ex went back to his Ex after a year being broken up. Maybe once a year has passed, you will feel more comfortable? Its an odd situation b/c he has shown yo the capacity to lie/cheat, so sadly its normal to be more suspicious of him doing that, or going back to her without ending it with you properly. But it sounds like you guys defied the Affair odds and maybe have a chance. Id definitely progress things SLOW with him. DATE him. Do not stay at each other's places 6 nights/week. Make him prove himself and earn trust.

 

General boundaries as far as relating to autonomous activities. For example, I have a local bar I used to frequent to study and have a beer after work. I'm an attractive female who gets hit on and me wanting to go out and have a drink last night resulted in some contention regarding it. We agreed to have an open discussion with the result of us reaching a compromise: me having the ability to go out on the rare occasion by myself without him having a gut reaction of jealousy. He didn't tell me I couldn't go but did express discomfort that I may interact with people that have an attraction to me and have said as much. To reach this point, we agreed to clearly define what we are comfortable with: how he would want and expect me to react to advances, what about it bothers him, etc. autonomy with respect to the relationship. During this discussion we'll also discuss his interactions with her.

 

I think time really is the key. I asked this before and concluded as much.

 

One area that we do well with is communication. For that I am so thankful.