Has Been 3.5 months; Still Miss Her - D$#@

[GreenCap]

As Yoda once said, there is no try. So when I say I am trying to move on with my life, I am trying to forgive and forget, I am trying, trying, trying....this suggests I am not letting go at all. Was hoping that the new year will bring fresh energy to get me over the hump but it has been 3.5 months since we broke up and she has already moved on with another bloke and I stuck in reverse thinking of what could be or what could have been or what if I did this or that etc.

 

This is my nth relapse since she left and I don't know how much more I can take. I am fed up of it but my mind keeps holding me back. How can I explain my being suddenly jolted awake at 1.50 AM for no apparent reason - not groggy awake but wide awake and thinking clearly. I can do differential and integral calculus in my current state of awakeness.

 

How can it be that I still miss her warm body next to mine? Why do I keep to my side of the bed still every night? This is the 5th day of my relapse and I can only attribute this to her coming back this weekend from her two week trip with the new bf to visit each others' parents. How lovely?

 

I have read many good suggestions on how to move on, on LS. Seems to work, seems not to work. I am frustrated at myself for being so sentimental and missing her and loving her still despite my feeling betrayed. Someone suggested that life is impermanent - even love or marriage - and if you love someone you just love someone; does not mean they will reciprocate. Therein lies the pain, the anguish and perhaps the true meaning of unconditional love. My pining for her is a selfish feeling and to contact her and let her know would be tantamount to harrassing her. So I stopped contacting (not that I did much previously) her.

 

This is more of a rant than a post, I suppose, but don't know where else to turn to. So many unanswered questions, so many things to say, so much love to share - and the worst part is, I am not the marrying type but this woman made me want to marry her and I was prepared to propose this past holiday season. She really completed me, to borrower a phrase from Tom Cruise. But I guess I don't complete her. #$%#%$%#$%#%

 

Life is short, she was my life partner.....the next one, if there will ever be one, will not be the same again.

[Nick14]

Originally posted by GreenCap

As Yoda once said, there is no try. So when I say I am trying to move on with my life, I am trying to forgive and forget, I am trying, trying, trying....this suggests I am not letting go at all. Was hoping that the new year will bring fresh energy to get me over the hump but it has been 3.5 months since we broke up and she has already moved on with another bloke and I stuck in reverse thinking of what could be or what could have been or what if I did this or that etc.

 

This is my nth relapse since she left and I don't know how much more I can take. I am fed up of it but my mind keeps holding me back. How can I explain my being suddenly jolted awake at 1.50 AM for no apparent reason - not groggy awake but wide awake and thinking clearly. I can do differential and integral calculus in my current state of awakeness.

 

How can it be that I still miss her warm body next to mine? Why do I keep to my side of the bed still every night? This is the 5th day of my relapse and I can only attribute this to her coming back this weekend from her two week trip with the new bf to visit each others' parents. How lovely?

 

I have read many good suggestions on how to move on, on LS. Seems to work, seems not to work. I am frustrated at myself for being so sentimental and missing her and loving her still despite my feeling betrayed. Someone suggested that life is impermanent - even love or marriage - and if you love someone you just love someone; does not mean they will reciprocate. Therein lies the pain, the anguish and perhaps the true meaning of unconditional love. My pining for her is a selfish feeling and to contact her and let her know would be tantamount to harrassing her. So I stopped contacting (not that I did much previously) her.

 

This is more of a rant than a post, I suppose, but don't know where else to turn to. So many unanswered questions, so many things to say, so much love to share - and the worst part is, I am not the marrying type but this woman made me want to marry her and I was prepared to propose this past holiday season. She really completed me, to borrower a phrase from Tom Cruise. But I guess I don't complete her. #$%#%$%#$%#%

 

Life is short, she was my life partner.....the next one, if there will ever be one, will not be the same again.

 

Yep Same here, green, been 4 months, this past week and I too, I am at a crossroads at the moment. Still getting relapse of the good times and fun it was and how would love to go back in time and do it all over again. Like last night, I had a dream about her but its been like that for awhile anyway. What sucks the most is that she doesn't even want to talk to me. She hasn't said it personally to me or tell me to get on with my life or to **** off. Instead she is just quiet, does not reply or make contact, its like her dropping a hint or she is not over me. Funny, how I am the guy who sends her a happy grad e-card for uni in december and a happy holiday e-card earlier this week. I saw her for the first time since september at the gym, last week. She didn't say hi but she did see me in shock "like omfg, he's here" and I can also tell she just leaves the gym all not happy cause I am there or whatever. Then I get called a stalker by her, I mean what the hell for god sake. I Mean i love this girl with all my heart, the only girl I would marry and want to be committed for the rest of my life, she completed me like no other. No other girl can replace that, not even if I tried my hardest. They say, you only find true love, once in a lifetime, I really feel like I did find that and now she is running away as fast as she can. I don't see her coming back, not after what she called me a so-called stalker. Wow, just for going to the gym, just for being a nice guy and sending her e-cards or sending her a friendship email saying i want you a part of my life in some capacity. I mean she doesnt' even have the courage to tell me to **** off in person or in a email. I know I am not stalking, but I am really sorry I am being a nice guy and it sucks that I am going to have to stop being a nice guy. The girl I use to know, thats not her, its like her soul was took out ofher body and put in a closet to put away, I WANT THAT PERSON BACK, THE PERSON i USE TO KNOW, not some faker. I got a dilemma coming up on V-day, the reason? That day was suppose to be out 3 year aniversary. I really dunno how I am going to take it and I am sure she's probably going to expect me to freak out and text her "as she puts it". I know I won't, but I'll probably hike up to the highest elevatoin and just sit there looking at the ocean for a few hours and saying "why why why" over and over and over again. I just wish she would grow up and start being a adult and start realizing that I am not being a stalker but I do care and do think about her and thats just how I was raised. I been thru enough crap in my life, she came in and my life changed forever, now she is gone and I am unhappy like I was before I met her. Girls I been with before her, I wasn't really happy, this one was a keeper!

[tgrace]

I'm in Week 7 and this concept has seemed to work well for me for about a week now. I mentally split the boyfriend I was involved with and the person he has evolved into now as two people. First I said that the old boyfriend died and that this new guy really isn't someone I want to associate with anyway because they obviously aren't someone I really know.

 

Then I modified it a bit and decided that I still don't want the 'new and improved' person back but rather than think of the old boyfriend as dying, I just said the relationship died. If a person died, you'd look pretty silly trying to come up with ways to get them back. Same way with a relationship.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Greencap,

 

for me it is 3 months now since he broke up and moved out. I still love him and think about him every hour of the day and night.

 

I had hoped that after 3 months I would feel better, and I soooo counted on the new year to bring me new hope and strength, but so far... nothing.

 

I still love him and miss him so much, and I am starting to believe that his will be the one relationship I will never really get over. The one that I will always love and wish to be with.

 

Does not give me much hope for my next relationship, if there will ever be one.

 

Just wanted to say that I share your pain, and I hope we will all feel better in a few months.

[greenhorn]

Hi Greencap,

 

This is my fourth week of No Contact and still i am feeling the same as you are feeling so i can actually understand your condition.

 

I tried this No Contact earlier also, first time it lasted 2 weeks next time it lasted 3 weeks and this time it is going to fourth week and i think it would be forever this time.Like you i still love her despite being betrayed and cheated but the thing which gives me a bit of strength when i have the relapses is that might be its her happiness in not being with me and so i should give happiness to whom i love.

 

I exactly feel the same , i also get awake in middle of night ,sweating in this cold getting dreams of her, unconsciously calling her but what can we do .Its not in our hand and if we let her know of the situation she might have compassion or pity but not Love .We dont need pity but love.No one likes to be pitiable.Once you have lost the love that she had for you then you cant get it back only thing you can get back is pity so please let this give you strength that you dont need her pity.

 

It makes the situation harder when you know that she is with someone else.I still dont have the courage to delete her from my buddy list and so i always remain online in invisible mode and i can see her coming online and i know that she would be chatting with someone else and it hurts a lot.Uncosnciously for the whole of 31st dec and 1st jan i was waiting that may be atleast i would get New year wish but it wasnt .So what is the purpose of contacting i know it is harder to maintain no contact but tell me would you get anything by contacting her ,the situation will remain the same so why not bear the pain with dignity and self esteem.

 

I know how you feeling can just say that hang in there,i know things will never get back to original but may be one day we all will feel better.

[greenhorn]

By the way GreenCap if it is of some consolation i want to tell you one fact.

 

You know Napoleon one of the greatest general of his time,the master strategist ,the excellent warrior he was so courageous ,he won so many battles and ultimately became the emperor of France had also cried because he knew that he was being cheated by someone whom he loved dearly his wife Josephine.

 

Can you imagine a person like Napoleon to cry, but he did for Josephine ,who in one of her letters to her friend had admitted that her husband not only loves her but worships her.Napoleon also had to go through the same pain as we all are going so i just want to say that its nothing of our weakness that we are going through this pain but its all destiny and lets be courageous to face our destiny.

 

Having an undignified life with someone you love is worse than having a dignified life where you have the pain of separation.

 

Get up man and give it a try and let the other person realise what he/she has missed in getting away from us.Think from this angle that it is not your loss but the other person's loss in breaking up.

[GreenCap]

Nick14, Tgrace, Gottebestrong and Greenhorn

 

Feeling better this morning, thanks. Probably because I am back at work and swamped so I won't keep this going for long.

 

I could not sleep the entire night and I keep picturing her in her new beau's arms. Drives me up the wall..so I keep thinking whether I am actually just possessive or still love her. I don't know the answer to that, perhaps a little of both. This will be third week of no contact and we shall see how this goes. Take care all.

[Green_and_White]

Green,

 

this is the first time in about a month that I've logged on. I remember your post from earlier so I wanted to reply. We went through pretty much the same thing man. It will be four months in about a week. I can look back and cannoot believe that its been this long or that I even make it. If it weren't for such an open minded care network of friends and family I probably be months behind. I took lots of tips from people on her and most have been good. Just make yourself better is the key. Im twice the person I was before she dumped me, if only she knew it now.

What makes me keep going is that I now feel that she really didnt care for me, I was just someone she was physicially attached to. I mean, I called all my friends on X-mass to wish them a good one and she didnt bother calling me (she knows like 10 people). Just remember, if she was really worth keeping around she would at least make an effort to keep you around. It should be the dumper who makes the friend thing work, not the other way around.

 

Its the new year. Time for new beginings. I do miss her everyday. I am seeing another girl right now but everything comes back to my ex. I dont find her as attractive as my ex even though others tell me im crazy. I think for all of us one day we will just wake up and it will all be gone. Watch "Swingers", that helped alot.

[moon]

I think at about this point (3.5 months recovery) you should start thinking about what you want next. Now if you allow it, this can consume much of your time (a good transition). I might first start writing your ex a letter that you will never send. Spend some time writing this letter. Tell your ex how much she hurt you, how you wish things had been different, how you've changed whatever. You will probably find that writing any sort of letter to you ex will take a lot of time. But it will be worthy time because you will really start to think about what you would say to the girl if she was in front of you. You will also come to grips with your own feelings.

 

After you've taken some time to do with, I might start making a list of what you want in your next relationship. I have started to think about this. In my next relationship I would rather have a long friendship first before getting involved. I realize that my usual track is to scout around for guys I find attractive and then start dating them right away. Now what has this done for me? Well it has attracted a lot of good looking guys with problems. I have to reverse my strategy. I am NOW realizing I have to get to know the guy first, be his friend, see what he's really like. This takes a lot of the pressure off of just looking for a guy to be in a relationship with. I want somebody I am compatible with most of all.

 

These are just some things I've been hankering around with. But I do think you need to distract yourself with things. Find hobbies, etc. But if you are really glued into your past relationship and can't get your mind off of it, then at least do contructive things in regards to learning from that past relationship. If that makes any sense.

 

Have you already gotten into therapy? I find that my therapy helps me. I like the consistecy of it every week and how my therapist knows all my problems now. It feels good to have that connection. Good luck.

[GreenCap]

Thanks again for the thoughts and suggestions. I, in fact, have done letter writings and have even recorded a tape of what I want to say her, which includes me singing etc. I laughed heartily when I heard it again few weeks ago.

 

I guess I do have to figure out what I want in my next relationship although I am not sure I am quite ready yet. Trust and self-esteem issues, you see. She really crushed me when she left by putting me down. She was my bestfriend, lover, and family in a foreign country and perhaps there is where I went wrong...putting all my eggs in one basket. Moon, my ex was my friend for over a year before we actually started dating....I thought I knew her but people change or the circumstances of our friendship did not provide the adequate situation for me to see her true self. So, knowing someone for a while or following in love at first sight...no right or wrong.

 

Anyway, I think LS is some sort of therapy for me. I am so glad like green_and_white to have a great family support system. Right now, I just got back from my first spinning class and I am all konked out. Good thing is I met a cutie at the gym and we probably will be doing the same spinning classes for a while. She seems rather young but I will make no judgments, just have fun at the gym, get back my pre-ex shape, and see what the good Lord has in store for me. As always, I keep looking for the open window now that He shut this door :-D

 

I don't know when my next relapse will be and while I was ashamed of it before, I no longer am, as I understand this is a natural part of the healing process - particularly since I am the dumpee and the dumper has since moved on with another bloke. Okay, my back is killing me now so I am off to bed...hopefully I won't wake in the middle of the night again thinking of her. Why do I let her have this control over me?

[xxsilverdragonxx]

Been about a week or two since I posted. But if you remember we had a discussion where we basically were at the same spot.

 

Christmas and New Years came and went. I actually felt more festive this year than previous. I SO wanted to do things with my ex during the holidays it about killed me. I mean, I went with new friends to go shopping, and my ex is nowhere on my mind, and out of no where I see this gift that I would have dropped money on in a second because I knew my ex would love it dearly. Little things like this make it so hard to try to have a normal life. But like someone posted earlier, I see my ex not as she is now, but more or less like she is dead. Our relationship is dead, why should she still be living in my mind and thoughts?

 

And I might as well confess something too. I had a dream about my ex a few days ago, and it totally screwed up my entire day. If you don't remember, I'm at about the same time you are, as in it was about 3.5 months ago that I was broken up with. Anyways, in this dream that my ex was in, we actually had sex, but it was confusing. Thats all I remember and thankfully I don't recall much more. I've had a few other dreams in the past about other ex's, but it was just typical dream nonsense. The fact that I had intercourse in my dream with my ex defintely didn't sit well with my mental state for that day at least. It hurt bad inside.

 

--THE LETTER IDEA---

This might be something I will try. Geez, the ideal thing to do would have been to talk about it a few days or weeks after the breakup. I know i've been holding in a lot of grief and anger, and I think we all somehow turn that into denial the longer time goes on without getting ahold of our feelings. But now I'm rambling too, and I don't have a cohesive order of ideas.

 

Everyone, including me, CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. If something happens that even slightly bothers you, please post about it. We all want to help each other and ourselves get through our individual pain. Remember, we are all friends here, and LS has provided us a way to connect.

 

If I didn't have LS, I would be keeping everything inside me, nothing would be getting solved, I'd make the same mistakes, I'd misunderstand more, and I'd drop farther and farther down the hole of depression. Here I can come and be relaxed and know that people either have been through, or are going through the same feelings and situations I am.