Whenever it's close to time with his mom, my son start behaving worse.

[Elliotte]

My son is 6, going on 7. His mother and I split up before he turn 1, we had never married. We went through a pretty brutal custody battle in which I fought to get more than the paltry "every other weekend" status quo. His mom is a flakey person, she's had 25+ jobs in the 8 years I've known her, started and quit college 4 times, and has moved at least once a year. Luckily her flaky schedule lead to me getting more and more time with our son, probably because she felt I was the most convenient "babysitter". When my son was 5 I got primary custody of him when she decided to move to the other side of the country with her boyfriend of 3 months (he is 15 years older than her, and is making a lot of money, never had kids, seems to fit the sugar daddy stereotype to a tee). I am the only one who has given our son the stability he needs.

 

Now I have him full time except for school breaks (two months in summer, 1 week for winter and spring break). Through both Kindergarten, and now 1st grade, all of his teachers and I have noticed he starts misbehaving, getting more angry, listening less, etc when it gets close before and after he has time with his mom, especially when he first returns to my house after being with her, he will have a harder time listening and doing what we ask.

 

He has always misbehaved worse with her, he and she have told me stories of horrific tantrums worse than anything I've seen with him myself, and I've seen some really bad behavior. Now it is barely two weeks from winter break and his time with his mom, and in the past week he has gotten in two fights at school, has a lot more trouble listening and my wife and I are trying our best to make him behave, but I fear it things are going to get much worse.

 

I have tried talking with his mom, to get a little consistency between households, but she is a habitual liar, selfish and rather just spoil him than put in the hard work to help him grow as an individual. She's always been someone who has no care for responsibilities and I feel truly helpless with trying to work with her to raise our son.

 

Curious if any parents here with split households (or grew up in them) who have experienced this? Was there any way to help your child with this tough situation!? Thank you.

[amaysngrace]

Do visits have to be mutually agreed upon or is it mandated by a court order?

 

It's obvious that he doesn't want to go. If they have to be agreed upon its simple...don't send him.

 

Does she pay support? Would she be interested in relinquishing her rights as a parent in exchange to save a few dollars? That's what I'd present her with and see if she bites. I'm betting she will.

[Elliotte]

oscarsmom: a counselor that works with both my son and I together would be great, though more rare, especially one that works with our health insurance. Overall I am definitely trying to encourage that more and empathizing with him during family meetings. I have read quite a few books on parenting, went to therapists, had him go to one, and even had a psych analysis to rule out with he has any disabilities or special abilities.

 

Punishments or warnings of punishments seem to do very little to sway his behavior, and same is the case with praise and reward systems, which all the therapists we've seen have recommended. He knows the difference between right and wrong, but can quickly forget those things when he is not in complete control of the situation and act horribly. At this point I agree with you, the only solution is to try to get him to express his feelings better by talking about them, when he's not feeling overwhelmed.

 

amaysngrace: She does pay child support (something I had to fight her tooth and nail for), and we had mediated out our visitation schedule, so it is legally agreed upon. They skype for 1-2 hours a week, she plays the role of mom when it is convenient for her but I doubt she would completely relinquish her rights if I just asked her to, nor would it be something that would necessarily help him with his issues, it's one thing for his mom to move out of state (or now she is on the other side of the world with her bf), it's another for her to cut all communication completely, although I think the pattern shows she's going to continually become more of an absentee parent.

[KathyM]

I would suggest individual counseling for your child with a therapist who specializes in working with children. He has a lot of emotions tied to his feelings about his situation that he needs to express, preferably in therapy. A lot of children are also not able to verbalize that well what they are feeling, and so therapists that work with children usually do art therapy or play therapy where a child can express his emotions and feelings, and the therapist will help him process his feelings through these forms of expression. I would recommend a child therapist, rather than family counseling at his age.

[Elliotte]

Thanks to both of you for your responses, I should point out that he did go to see a therapist when he was with his mom this summer, although when I corresponded with her, she didn't really mention much about having talked with him about the separation anxieties, odd.

[amaysngrace]

Does he call your wife "mom"?

 

I think it must be very hard for him to go to school with other kids who have moms who come into school when he does not.

 

Does your wife go in to school on days when other moms show up?

[Elliotte]

Does he call your wife "mom"?

 

I think it must be very hard for him to go to school with other kids who have moms who come into school when he does not.

 

Does your wife go in to school on days when other moms show up?

 

She did when she first moved in, she tried being "the perfect replacement mom" and it did not go well, at least it stressed her out that she was putting in so much effort and not getting as much reward back as she wanted. For awhile she would take him to school and volunteer there occasionally, but it was stressful for her to be around so many maternal mothers while my son was confused as to what to call her, and to explain to them that she wasn't his mom.

 

For awhile things swung the opposite way, I spent a lot of time with him and she had trouble being with him. Granted he has his behavior issues and attention grabbing, but she takes it wayyy too personally. Things are slowlyyy balancing out but this extra stress around the holidays is making it difficult for them to reconcile.

[amaysngrace]

What do you mean that it's hard for them to reconcile? He's a child and she is an adult.

 

Neither she nor him should have to explain their relationship dynamic. She was most likely addressed as "Mrs. YourLastName" which is correct. Why was she telling other moms about your family business?

 

She doesn't sound like a solid person which brings me back to you. Why do you pick these types of women?

[Elliotte]

They do not "explain" the situation, there often are circumstances where someone would refer to my wife as his mom, he would often say "she's not my mom" and then they would learn she is his stepmom.

 

Not sure what you meant about the reconciliation between them. They were getting along great, but once my son started staying with me full time and my wife moved in, they had a harder time getting along. They both want my attention and have a hard time sharing that attention in family situations.

[amaysngrace]

Ugh, I don't know what to tell you.

 

It's a shame that your wife feels the need to grab attention from a six year old kid though. But you picked her...and the other one too...

[Elliotte]

I'm sensing some pretty harsh judgement coming from you. Have you been a step parent? Things drastically changed from her and I being able to easily have half the week to ourselves to him being there all the time. A couple needs quality one on one time, regardless of the situation at home. That conflict has mostly been resolved, we've come up with better ways to enjoy family time and my son stays at his grandparent's house overnight sometimes so we get some nights to ourselves.

 

The first year when I only had him part of the time was no issue, they got along great, but the three of us suddenly learning to live together was a tough learning curve. I will grant you she has some family issues that may make her more sensitive to the situation, but I would appreciate more constructive feedback than "ugh" and insinuating I have bad taste in women.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sensing some pretty harsh judgement coming from you. Have you been a step parent?

 

No I am not a step parent but my kids have one.

 

Yes I am judging you harshly because all that I am reading is how his mom is a POS who left his daily life and his SM is unable to put your son first either.

 

Then I see you blaming everything on everybody else while totally putting your son and his feelings last when in actuality you started this topic because you were interested in learning how to deal with your son's aggressive behavior.

 

All I can say is no wonder why he lashes out to get attention.

 

A six year old child should always come first yet none of the adults in his life seem to understand that. Not even his dad.

 

I hope he is at least very excited to go to his grandparents so that your new wife can have the attention she craves.

[Elliotte]

I am curious where in my posts you got the impression that I put my son's feelings last.

[The_Face]

She doesn't sound like a solid person which brings me back to you. Why do you pick these types of women?

 

From what I've read, at least in this particular post, is that the OPs wife has gone into this relationship (with the OPs son) with the best of intentions. It also sounds like she has had some struggles, as we all do.

 

As any parent will tell you, it's a tough job raising kids.

 

Being a step-parent to a young child, especially one that is clearly going through some tough emotions regarding his bio mom and who knows what else, has got to an equally tough job.

 

Kudos to the OP and his wife, I think they are looking out for the boy's best interest. Best of luck to you

[Sunlight72]

I'm really glad to see Elliote that you are engaged in your son's life

 

I am sorry you are so frustrated with your son's mother's choices.

 

That is a very hard place to be, and I am also glad you are facilitating her talking to your son via Skype. She is his mom. That is a super important connection and will never change for him. Good job on making it possible for her to be involved as much as she is willing!

 

I agree with amaysngrace.

 

The ways it looks (from what you've written) that you put your son second or third are;

marrying a woman who is not librarian-level stable, caring, and willing to become educated about being a good stand-in mother to your son,

and sending your son to his grandparent's on a weekly basis to get alone time for you and your new wife.

 

His life has not been stable, and he needs a much more stable home than a 'reasonable' person would expect.

 

Where I see you working hard to be a good and loving father to your son is all the reading, research, and counseling and exploring counselors! That is great work! Wow!

 

Unfortunately, difficulties are very different for different people. Most counselors specialize in something, and I hate to say it, but most do not seem to be aware of other areas of specialty. I don't understand why.

 

This means that most specialists seem unable to meet you and your son and recommend a different specialized field for your situation, so you have to search on your own until you find the effective help for your particular lives. Of course I can't tell well from just your post, but it doesn't sound like you've met the right person or learned and engaged the right skills yet.

 

Key points that make me think this are

- regular discipline only makes his behavior worse

- emotional upheaval at transition time is a foggy area to you

- you don't sound confident in how to respond to his crisis points

- I can't tell that you know what triggers his crisis points

- it sounds like your new wife and you were or are willing to give loving, nurturing intentions but do not know about the specific skills you need to learn and employ to effectively relate to your son

 

My long time girlfriend has a 9 year old adopted son. Adopted when he was 7 months old. She has worked, studied, and patiently tried to help him feel stable in the world. He is still operating at about a lost 5 year-old level emotionally.

 

For several months she and I have been learning about Attachment Therapy and Attachment issues in children who have suffered trauma. This is following trying many, many other areas of counseling, therapy and study and research, and trial and error. We are both Nurturing Parenting teachers for our local family initiative group. We're not experts, but we are engaged and enjoy learning and being helpful.

 

Even though you see your ex as bad news for your son, it does not change his life's traumatic loss of his one and only mother. Even if she is not 'good' for him, he has suffered a huge unexplainable loss by losing his mother.

 

This is not a logical issue. He almost certainly can't explain what is happening inside him. Explaining it to him certainly does not make it O.K. that he has lost his mother.

 

This is not just about you Elliotte, and that makes it a very hard situation to begin to heal and help heal. You can't do everything alone, no matter how hard you try.

 

But you sound like his best chance for an eventually productive and happy life. I really hope you can stick with him and love him for many years! He needs you.

 

Love is not going to be enough. Patience is not going to be enough. Though those are very key components of what your son needs.

 

You need very specific skills and practice. You need to develop a close support network of family, professional counselors/coaches/therapists, and a very (I mean unnaturally) supportive, stable, patient mate who is happily willing to dedicate a sizeable part of her time and energy every day to learning, practicing, and supporting you in effectively loving and guiding your son. For the next 12 to 30 years.

 

I definitely am not qualified to say he has Attachment issues, especially through a very limited post on a forum. I would encourage you to direct some of your reading to Attachment kids and seek an Attachment Therapist/Counselor and see if any of that information seems related to your son's behavior and situation.

 

The transition times away from your home are especially hard for him, and you should expect that to continue. It is not a logical situation, and can't be explained away. His world is unpredictable and unsafe when he leaves home to stay in another home. It feels dangerous to him (I think - I don't know) and he is not equipped to express that through words.

 

He is expressing it by physical actions because he can't process these huge feelings and events in words.

 

Good news!!! From what you've written he's actually done really well so far!!!

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[Tayla]

Elliotte, I do not get where some folks are reading into things so negatively and definitely not in line with your situation. Listen to those who have your best interest at heart, the naysayers and judgmentalist can simply squawk all they want. They are not in your household ....trying to balance out a family dynamic. May I suggest- date nights and sons night? Its what works with my sons blended family...He takes his new wife out for a date...and on other occassions he takes his son out for a boys night out....Sometimes the New wife ( aka Step mom) and the son go out to gain time knowing one another. There has never been a confusion on who his mom is or who his step mom is..My grandson loves his step mom and regards her...maybe its because she never had to define herself to him or correct him when being introduced....She simply is an important part of his child rearing days....

The Only objective thing I can perceive is that some members can take this as an opportunity to "share"...time, consideration, and above all love for each others talents in this blended household...