Why do some women date losers/ bottom feeders?

[RedRobin]

I have news for you OP (and others)... some 'losers' do a great job camouflaging their issues and appear very stable and 'nice' to acquaintances and friends. Some of them have great jobs, are well respected in the community and all that.

 

Then you get to know them and spend more time with them, and you find out they have been convicted for harassment or have a couple of DUIs (or more), is verbally abusive, cheated on an ex, have a different value system when it comes to sex, has mental health issues and on and on.

 

These are things that don't just pop out of their mouths the first week or two you meet them. I find it comes out around month two, maybe three... by then, lots of women are emotionally invested and thinking that 'oh, it's not that bad'. I've had to walk away from a few who I found had histories I couldn't deal with, and it was tough because I had a lot in common with them... and very much wanted to see the 'good' side of them. That is what caring people TRY to do because that is what we'd like someone to do for US if/when they see something they may not be thrilled about.

 

Thing is... somewhere in between the perfect person we'd like to think WE are, and the mess that someone else has made of their life in private or public... is a vast sea of human beings. Some have earned redemption through their own hard work (not on someone's back). Others never will.

 

These are the risks we all take when trying to find love.

[ZoeyCrimson]

Hi, For me it was usually that the guy seemed to be a great guy, then later just when you think you have everything you could ask for in a guy he turns in a loser. The fantasy for most women is “I want to rescue him” and “I'm going to be his princess,” Durvasula says. “They get it in their head that they can help these men change for the better, but do you really want to be with someone who needs rescuing?”

Love Him or Leave Him? “Consider therapy if this relationship means that much to you, but otherwise, get the hell out of dodge,” she advises. “People can change up to a point but not as much as you might think.” But in my believe, women should skip losers.

 

Have a charming day

[SJC2008]

Low self esteem. I they date someone they're better than they don't have to fi themselves. I don't judge them though and don't take the "Women don't like nice guys" stance. I don't know what they went through to become that way. There are other relationship dynamics but this one seems to be the one most talked about. There are plenty of controlling women who run the show and wouldn't admit they're wrong if they had the turret of a tank pointed at their head. Why isn't that one ever discussed? Like most dating topics, same applies with genders reversed.

[carhill]

I have news for you OP (and others)... some 'losers' do a great job camouflaging their issues and appear very stable and 'nice' to acquaintances and friends. Some of them have great jobs, are well respected in the community and all that.

 

Your point is well taken; indeed I've known some very successful men who are coke abusers and felons. In fact, it was commonplace back in the 80's when coke was the rage in my industry. Everyone was flying high.

 

Indeed, people, especially those who trend to the 'loser' description in interpersonal relationships, can and do mask their negative traits from potential targets. It's polished and practiced over many years of human interaction, generally from early peer integration and even before, in their FOO where, sometimes, they emulate their role models for such behaviors. It's what they know.

 

However, that said, I believe the OP was referring to women who date 'known' losers, where they have presented themselves as what the woman would describe as a loser otherwise (lacking emotional involvement or bonding) but continues to be involved with them in spite of the loser components.

 

As I postulated in another thread, this balance turns upon attraction/attractiveness/social power. The more attractive and socially popular the loser is, the more likely the woman will continue with him. He may be a 'loser' in interpersonal relationship but he wields social power in the greater world, so his 'loser' characteristics are overlooked or explained away. Social power, IMO, has nothing to do with measurable success, rather influence on people. Some of the most successful and remarkable criminals and killers of our time have been well-liked by those they interacted with, right up until the time they were criminalized/killed. Most losers won't go that far. Some do, hence the felons amongst us. Check out conjugal days at any male prison for more evidence. They may be felons but they are loved. Human nature. It works.

[Revolver]

There are women who have their "**** together" who date "losers" in the traditonal sense too. My cousin is a college dropout who sells weed and this guy pulls women in college all the time (he has a nursing student pregnant at this moment)

[serial muse]

My ex told me how great a guy and what an eligible bachelor I was but looking at her ex husband who was a coke abuser and felon and her ex bf who looked like a complete loser, why do some women date with such low standards? Is it a control thing and does it make them feel better?

 

Not trying to be flippant, but it's likely for the same reasons that you dated her. You sound really angry that she's not with you now - but given that these are her choices, why would you be? Why not chalk it up to "I was dating a loser and now I'm not, and hooray for me?"

 

As was noted upthread, this isn't a gender thing. Men and women are equally prone to dating people who aren't good for them. You are, ironically, describing just such a situation while only focusing on half of that. But you'd be better served focusing on your own choices. It makes little sense to protest that "women" tend to date losers and then complain about how silly they are...without making the logical leap that you are demonstrably doing the exact. same. thing.

 

So ask yourself instead: What was it about her that you found appealing? How can you make better choices in future?

Edited December 20, 2013 by serial muse

[hotpotato]

To each their own. If you want to date a guy that has a history of hanging around sluts and bar whores, Then knock yourself out. Whatever floats your boat. Personally after I hear that a woman that has been with whoremongers,drug addicts,jail birds,bums,bar lizards and drunks then I am not walking, I AM RUNNING real fast. They scare me

 

You really don't k ow the whole situation. Most of those guys started off as nice and caring. The women bond to them and look over their faults. Maybe on see everything the guy has done wrong, but she sees everything he has done right. She sees the wonderful times together at the amusement parks, romantic dinners and walks on the beach. She has a cache of wonderful memories with him that you don't see.

 

And oh the judgment. I hope you don't watch porn be that is also whoremongering...

 

Most guys aren't as nice as they think they are. Many so called nice guy are resentful and entitled. The anger is just beneath the surface, and it boils over when people don't behave how nice guys think they should.

Edited December 20, 2013 by hotpotato

[ponchsox]

I'm setting up an online dating troll account to prove this theory.

Edited December 21, 2013 by ponchsox

[mrnova66]

You really don't k ow the whole situation. Most of those guys started off as nice and caring. The women bond to them and look over their faults. Maybe on see everything the guy has done wrong, but she sees everything he has done right. She sees the wonderful times together at the amusement parks, romantic dinners and walks on the beach. She has a cache of wonderful memories with him that you don't see.

 

And oh the judgment. I hope you don't watch porn be that is also whoremongering...

 

Most guys aren't as nice as they think they are. Many so called nice guy are resentful and entitled. The anger is just beneath the surface, and it boils over when people don't behave how nice guys think they should.

.Sorry to tell you if a guy is a drunk,drug addict,jailbird and has 3 kids by 3 different women and do not pay child support is not a good guy. If a woman takes a long time to figure that out, Then she is SLOW!!!!It does not take a brain surgeon to figure these types out. If I see a woman that does not have a pot to piss in by the age of 40. Has no goals in life. Still going to bars everynight until 3 am. Has no car as a result of 10 D.U.I.S. Has no morals.. Then I think I will have a clue that she is no good for me. And it will not take me 3 months down the road to figure that out. Needless to say the red flags are all in my face.

[mrnova66]

I'm setting up an online dating troll account to prove this theory.

I am thinking about doing that too!!Its seem to me if a man comes on here and has a opinion about what a good guy is and what a bad guy is. Then some how he is angry. Which is furthest from the truth. A guy that is a drunk all day. In and out of jail all his miserable life. has 3 kids by 3 women and does not pay child support. Or my favorite. Cannot keep a job if his life depended on it. Then this is a dirtbag. And if it takes a woman 3 months down the road to figure this guy out. Then she is slow about figuring(SP) things out!!!!GOSH!!!I wonder if there are any red flags there!!!!!

Edited December 21, 2013 by mrnova66

[serial muse]

I'm setting up an online dating troll account to prove this theory.

 

Your time would be far better spent examining why you're drawn to this type of person. As I said before.

 

Seriously. What good does trolling do? You'll only attract people you wouldn't want to date anyway, and feed your own unhappiness. Why not seek out more worthwhile people instead??

 

This only confirms my earlier point...you are not interested in drama - free women/relationships. Ponder that.

[serial muse]

I am thinking about doing that too!!Its seem to me if a man comes on here and has a opinion about what a good guy is and what a bad guy is. Then some how he is angry. Which is furthest from the truth. A guy that is a drunk all day. In and out of jail all his miserable life. has 3 kids by 3 women and does not pay child support. Or my favorite. Cannot keep a job if his life depended on it. Then this is a dirtbag. And if it takes a woman 3 months down the road to figure this guy out. Then she is slow about figuring(SP) things out!!!!GOSH!!!I wonder if there are any red flags there!!!!!

 

Do you consider the OP "slow", given his ex's relationship history and the obvious red flags there? Why aren't you calling him on that??

[bob the brave]

Because 'good' is predictable, it's boring. I have been told I am a 'good' guy by women. I know this can be boring, but I like the security of knowing who I am and that others can count on me. I try to make up for the boring part by loving to be adventerous - I have taught school in China just for fun, been half way up Mt. Everest (my lung collapsed), ride a bike,play guitar, travel and explore even little things like restaurants, clubs, etc. and learn new things, MMA, dancing, language.

 

You know what, all of that was ziltch compared to a loser! She dumped me in a nanosecond for a guy who had never been anywhere, has no edcuation, skills or hobbies except drinking and ****ing. Oh, and he is married with kids. Then later, she came to her scenses, felt like crap and came running back to me!

 

I have heard that women that were abused or lacked a father figure growing up, choose these guys in a subconscious effort to recreate such a relationship in hopes of another chance at finding closure. Others say such girls are just used to guys like this and find good, respectful guys uncomfortable.

 

Been there, done that, still clueless. The funny thing is watching these women confuse, injure and then blame themselves. Even they seem not to understand why they do this. Why someone would choose to kiss a snake is a mystery to me.

Edited December 22, 2013 by bob the brave

[Mom2aufan]

.Sorry to tell you if a guy is a drunk,drug addict,jailbird and has 3 kids by 3 different women and do not pay child support is not a good guy. If a woman takes a long time to figure that out, Then she is SLOW!!!!It does not take a brain surgeon to figure these types out. If I see a woman that does not have a pot to piss in by the age of 40. Has no goals in life. Still going to bars everynight until 3 am. Has no car as a result of 10 D.U.I.S. Has no morals.. Then I think I will have a clue that she is no good for me. And it will not take me 3 months down the road to figure that out. Needless to say the red flags are all in my face.

 

 

You just described my Ex's woman to a tee. He stays with her, but since they moved in together a mere month after our breakup, I think he's stuck with her. If he kicks her out, where will she go? She's an absolute loser. Oh yea, has two kids but no custody.......oh well, his problem.