I'm a Lesbian Married to a Man and the OW of my Lover

[1esb1an]

I have been married for over a decade and have wonderful children with my husband. However, we are no longer lovers and live amicably under the same roof and still sleep in the same bed. This change started when I came out of the closet in Sept 2012. Hubby has been dating this one girl for 10 months and knows everything about my Married Woman. I have been in and out of relationships but have stayed really regular with another Married woman. Who have been married to her wife for twice as long as I've been married to my husband. I didn't intend to fall in love with her. I had only seen her quickly, twice a week, no more than really small chit chat. Didn't even realize until after I came out that I had been crushing on her so badly. Then there was the opportunity to be physically closer - her smoke breaks. I did not expect the chemistry to flare up and slap me upside the face. It was life, as soon as I got within a certain radius of her..or when she laughed, I'd go weak in the knees. I still do - 10 months later. It started slowly..now we text pretty much the whole time that she is not in her home with her wife, and even then some. We can only meet lunch hours. We've only been able to be in a bed 3 times and had dinner together once. Our bread and butter is the back seat of my car in 50 minutes sessions. I broke up with my last 'girlfriend that I can actually really date and be open with" because nothing compared to the chemistry that I have with my Married Woman. I get more emotionally from my short sessions with her than I have ever gotten with anyone else in a full night. She says that she wants to leave but just doesn't know when because her wife is financially dependent on her and the guilt is all consuming. I try to tell myself to never expect that she will ever be my wife. Then why is it so hard to let it go...why do I need her so badly? I can never know if she ever would really be with me....unless she does it. At the same time...I still have my family...it's not like she can move in with me...but I'm becoming more and more miserable at home with my husband and just keep thinking that the grass is always greener. She makes me feel like I'm on fire...the pure gorgeous sexuality comes out with her.I feel so safe. So turned on. So ....electric. I just can't quit her.... how do I cope. I'm not leaving...The only thing more impossible than staying is the unthinkable of leaving.

Edited December 12, 2013 by 1esb1an

[whichwayisup]

It's unhealthy and she's become your crutch for happiness and living. Since you have no intention of leaving your husband, and she is married as well, maybe it's time to get to counseling to figure out what it is you want out of life. Is it HER only or the fact you're lesbian and it's time to divorce your husband so you can find love (healthy growing love) with someone else. Your kids will accept you as they love you...Family counseling can help with all the changes and adjustments as well.

[JustJoe]

How old are your kids and what gender? I know of a situation where a woman declared herself Lesbian and left the family to be with her Lover. Her kids were in junior HS and HS at the time , and they took some pretty awful abuse and ridicule from other students, because of it. Their grades suffered and they began to have disciplinary problems. If your kids are very young, or if your kids are out of school, then it will be easier on them, but if they are post-pubescent, it will be really, really hard for them, especially if they are boys. It would be far better to have an open marriage until after they have graduated.

[JustJoe]

Sorry, OP , I just re-read your first post and saw that you have been married for 10 years, so your kids are still pretty young. My advice would be to end the marriage sooner rather than later. If you wait until your kids have reached puberty, it will be far harder on them.

One of the boys in my story was a close friend, and even now, after we have both grown up and have families of our own, still has very limited contact with his mother and despises her partner. During HS, he was constantly teased and abused by other students, for having a Lezzie for a Mom. You can imagine the crude and venomous things that were said. He was a really good student, but after this happened, he was constantly in fights and trouble. I know that he and his brothers considered that their Mom had abandoned and betrayed them, and he still does.

[1esb1an]

Thank you to those who replied. I don't think I can leave just yet...I am myself financially dependent on my hubby because I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years. (kids are 8 and 5) but I will be working and having an income about this time next year. Yes, it's unhealthy. I know. The pull is so strong...I figured there would be people around here who would understand what it's like to be the other woman. I'm grateful to live in a place where being gay isn't horrible, even if you are a mom. My oldest son's best friend is a girl who has two moms, so that has helped bring up the conversation. Both my boys know that love is love, and even though the gender stereotypes come through them, they are reminded that you can love who ever you love whether they be a boy or a girl.

[Artie Lang]

while you two might have a mutual agreement concerning this quasi "open" relationship, it just sounds like you're living a lie.

 

you don't have romantic feelings for each other and are living as roommates so as not to disrupt the status quo..... but..... it doesn't seem to be enough for you these days. correct?

 

i can only assume that no one but your husband knows about your sexual orientation, and that is another stumbling block that keeps you there.

[JustJoe]

Thank you to those who replied. I don't think I can leave just yet...I am myself financially dependent on my hubby because I've been a stay at home mom for 8 years. (kids are 8 and 5) but I will be working and having an income about this time next year. Yes, it's unhealthy. I know. The pull is so strong...I figured there would be people around here who would understand what it's like to be the other woman. I'm grateful to live in a place where being gay isn't horrible, even if you are a mom. My oldest son's best friend is a girl who has two moms, so that has helped bring up the conversation. Both my boys know that love is love, and even though the gender stereotypes come through them, they are reminded that you can love who ever you love whether they be a boy or a girl.

I sympathize with your situation, but can say from experience that you have no idea how this will impact your kids, regardless of how you and your husband handle this, it will definitely have an adverse effect on them , when it becomes common knowledge. I am just trying to prepare you for it. Good Luck.