Husbands Female Friend

[Kstar01]

I am completely uncomfortable abt my husbands relationship with a female friend he used to date. They were friends before we met and he let me know abt the friendship when we started dating. He said they dated briefly, which may be his perception but I have heard from others that the relationship was intense at least in her point of view. I coincidentally landed a job in the same office as his female friend. For two years we saw each other daily hardly acknowledging one another. At times we would share hello, but never a full conversation. My husband and this woman share multiple mutual friends and work on the same industry therefore they communicate somewhat frequently and may occasionally bump into each other. She's somehow lurking in the background of our lives- I'm not sure if it's intentionally or unintentionally. My husband doesn't openly communicate his interactions with her either, learning of their communication or interaction is almost always the result of me asking specific questions. Once he told me he found a handyman for our home, I asked him how he found the person and his response was someone referred him. When I asked who the referral was from, he said it was her. When I asked how he could be sure of the quality of the work, he said he stopped by her house afterwork to see the remodeling she had done. Tonight he asked me to review his updated resume and cover letter an upon reading it, I knew he used a template or something. When I asked, he said someone gave it to him. When I took at look at his recently opened docs, there was her resume and cover letter. I don't believe they have crossed any lines since we have been together but these are some of things that make me uncomfortable. Particularly the fact that my husband is not completely transparent abt it either. Another example of something that made me uncomfortable was when my husband n I got engaged, the friend facilitated a training for our department in which we briefly had to interact. She caught a glance at my ring and looked as if she was out of breath for a sec. After the training was done, she hauled ass out of the office. Honestly, it looked like her heart broke. My husband thinks I'm reading to much into the encounter but I don't think so. Never once in our crossing paths at work did she ever congratulate me or us. She has never been invited to a get together, or special event in our lives. This may partly be because my husband knows how I feel about her and their friendship. I have expressed my feelings about the relationship multiple times, it hasn't changed anything. I have asked for him to be transparent in his interactions with her, he's not. He just gets defensive and says that I'm just insecure and that she never mentions me and has never said/done anything inappropriate to him so why do I worry about her. Of course she doesn't ask about me because she could two ****s about me. I know what it's like to be insecure and jealous, this is different, this is a gut feeling that there's more to this friendship. Perhaps it's one sided. I don't think he has any interest in her but I think she may still have feelings and settles for the safe friend role. Whatever the case, I believe that my insecurities are rooted in that fact that my husband has never validated my feelings around this situation and is not completely open about their relationship and not with the friendship itself. I'm exhausted with trying to get him to understand. Thoughts?

Edited December 12, 2013 by Kstar01

[whichwayisup]

He just gets defensive and says that I'm just insecure and that she never mentions me and has never said/done anything inappropriate to him so why do I worry about her. Of course she doesn't ask about me because she could two ****s about me. I know what it's like to be insecure and jealous, this is different, this is a gut feeling that there's more to this friendship.

Listen to your gut. Fact is, his reaction is telling. maybe they aren't physically having an affair but it's an emotional one. Probably feeds his ego, makes him feel good to be wanted and desired by her..Who knows what she is doing. But you are right, she doesn't give a shi.t about you. If she did and their friendship was COMPLETELY innocent and platonic, she would ask about you, want to meet you, even hang out with BOTH of you as a couple. Any male friends I have, my H knows and many he's friends with.

 

Tell him "let's invite her for dinner. I want to know her a bit better since she is a friend of yours and a part of your life." Watch his reaction carefully.

 

Anyway, it is rude and disrespectful of him to be choosing his friendship with her over you and your marriage. He's having his cake and eating it too on some level and that's got to stop! Otherwise he will end up losing you and the life he has with you.

[underwater2010]

The rule of thumb in our household is that if either of us are uncomfortable with a friend of the opposite sex.....then that friend is gone....no questions asked.

 

 

It is called respect for your spouse.

[painfullyobvious]

Opposite sex friend that he used to date is where I stopped reading. That is nôt allowed in our marriage. Too easy to rekindle a past relationship. Trust your gut and communicate your concerns. Would he be okay with you hanging around an ex?

[Elliotte]

He has not been hit by the realities of a serious relationship apparently. If you respect a partner at all, you minimize communication with people you previously dated and be VERY transparent with your partner when and if you do! People tend to think it is just platonic innocence, but tend to be secretive because they know their partner will have the very human discomfort of it. People who say "suck it up and stop being insecure" are expecting you to be a ROBOT. Nobody should feel 100% comfortable with their partner hanging around someone they previously dated, that is INSANE.

 

Whether they are actually up to no good, or it's just platonic but they're being secretive because they know it makes you feel uncomfortable, they are being disrespectful to you and selfish for themselves, as someone mentioned "they're trying to have their cake and eat it too". You husband needs to be more sensitive to your feelings and less concerned with chatting up some female friend he used to date.

 

I was in your husband position a bit in that I was pretty close friends with a former fling I had 5 years prior and we would chat online occasionally, and it really strained my relationship with my wife, initially I reacted defensively, but then I checked my priorities and had to make a choice. I chose my wife.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I guess I am strange because I have two ex bf from college on my facebook AND their wives.

 

But it is all out in the open and my husband knows all about it and can read anything I post or they post at any time. In fact, I talk to the wives waaaay more than the ex bfs.

 

But, if DH were totally uncomfortable or I was shady, yeah, I could understand. Sounds to me like there is more to your situation than meets the eye.