Would the betrayed wife want to know the full truth from the ExOW?

[makeamends]

I knew my affair with a married man would end at some point and that point came on NewYears Eve...

 

His wife found out about us by overhearing a phone call he made to me, confronted him and he told her that we had been a short term, three month fling, whereas in fact we have been seeing eachother for well over a year. She made him call me and tell me on the phone while she was listening on the extension that it was over between us. But what she didnt know was that he had already called me that morning and warned me in advance that this is what was going to happen.

 

Subsequently, he phoned me twice to say that it is definitley NOT over between us and that it is his marriage that is over. He even said, hang on in there, because I'm sorting things out and will be leaving her. he last phoned me on new Years Eve and when pushed he admitted that he was actually staying with her and was going to try to work on the marriage.

 

So, clearly, lying to both of us until he could decide what he really wants to do. I have no interest in carrying on seeing him, .

 

The question to the betrayed wife then is, do I contact her and tell her that it was NOT just a short fling, that even up to the wire where he got found out and swore that it was over between us and that he wants to stay in the marriage, that he was still trying to keep it going with me.

 

That since he got found out, he has just been running around trying to do a damage limitation exercise on everyone and everything so that people don't think he is a total a**hole!

 

I have no desire to hurt his wife, I don't know her, and she doesn't know me. I just feel that I seem to be the one who knows the whole truth of what he has been doing, while she only now knows half of it. I can give her concrete evidence of the affair being much longer than he has admitted to. dated letters, postcards from his holiday with her, dates and times of occasions i saw him that would prove beyond doubt that he was with me. ( including date and location of the time we were seen out together by her friend, she told his wife at the time and he wriggled out of that at the time.)

 

Would you want to know the full extent of his betrayal, and would it help you to exorcise the OW from your mind if she came clean with you about it all especially when he clearly isnt. Would it make it easier on you to have all your doubts and questions answered honestly?

[overseas2004]

I dont know why people like you exist but I definately hope that you never come near my man.

 

Why would you want to hurt this woman more. Hasnt she already suffered enough. Must she also suffer through your anger and revenge now. I mean do ya think that she doesnt know that she married a liar and a cheater??? Um, is it important at this point to HER that it lasted 3 months or one year???

 

Or is the real story here that you are full of revenge and hate or maybe even hope to further tear this marrriage apart?

 

I dont know if you know the wedding vows these people took and how serious they are. But at one point the Priest says "what God has put together let no man put asunder". You need to keep repeating these words to yourself....

[Pocky]

Sometimes there is just too much information. She's aware of the affair. Let her handle it the way she wants to handle it. If she has questions she wants answered, she'll find you. Your role in this has ended. Bow out gracefully.

[Soon2bsngl]

Please don't! My H had an affair and I had many many phone conversations with the OW and got way too much information. The affair has been over now for quite some time and we are trying to work on things and everything she told me about their affair still haunts me daily. She does not need to know details. Knowing that there was another woman at all is all the information she really needs to know.

[Owl]

I've been the betrayed spouse, and I've got to say that I think your best bet would be to say nothing...at this point.

 

BUT...since you're breaking everything off with your MM, I'd keep the thought in mind if he tries to re-kindle what you've had. I know that I wanted to know everything...but my situation is different, because the OM in my wife's case was also my "friend". He SHOULD have told me what was going on, but obviously didn't.

 

Don't do it to hurt her...and at this point his lies to her (or not) shouldn't be your concern. But, if he tries to continue the affair with you, I'd let him know that your option may be full disclosure to the wife. THAT should keep him from coming back!!

[whichwayisup]

If she decides to call you in the near future, asking questions and wants to know your side of it, then yes, I think you should be open and honest with her and TELL her what she wants and needs to know.

[lady]

I agree at this point DO NOT tell her more than she already knows.

 

and yes knowing it was over a yr instead the 3 months he told her would make a difference. That makes it a relationship not a fling.

 

I just found out before Christmas, and in no way would I want her calling me now. I do at some piont in the future want to know what she thought it would lead to but that will happen when I am ready to ask her.

 

Right now she would prob. accept a call from you because she will have so many questions that she HAS to have answered but now is not the time.

 

Let it go, if he tries to get back with you, that might be a different thing all together. But I really don't know.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would want to know - you damned skippy I would. I'd be on the OW's ass like butter on pancakes every single day until she told me everything she had to say. My pride outweighs my pain in cases like this. I don't like being the fool - anything done behind my back: I want to know about it. All of it. Even the details. If I know that there is more to the story, it will eat me alive until I find out. Then, and only then can I move on.

 

Not everyone is like that though. Some people don't want to know - they just want to hold on to their perceptions and do some healing based on that. The details would likely destroy them. If the wife in this case wants to know, let her contact you. I wager if she really wanted to know your side of the story she'd seek you out.

[Ladyjane14]

I would want to know, and I'd find out too. Just not from an OW. Chiefly, because I'd never believe her.

 

My logic in that would be that the OW was only following the dictates of her own agenda. I'd not believe she had my best interest at heart.

[reservoirdog1]

She already knows she has a cheating skunk for a husband. She already knows he cheated with you. The gorier details will probably come out in time, without your involvement. You sound like you're contemplating acting out of spite, not out of genuine concern for her.

 

My advice would be to stay away from him, and leave her alone. You've done enough damage.

[Mr Spock]

OH BULL POOP

 

Listen, YOU deserve for him to stop the lying. Forget the wife, think YOU. Ok? He's lying to both of you. You need to contact the wife and tell her exactly what's going on. At this point, the affair is already exposed and one thing that's important for her to know the truth about so she can heal is DETAILS.

 

Tell her that her husband warned her in advance about the phone call, and tell her you've received two subsequent phone calls after stating that the relationship is not over. Tell her that if he chooses her and his current relationship then she needs to keep her husband away from you. Tel lher it's been going on for a year and if she chooses not to believe you you DO have proof of this.

 

You call her, and you tell her what this guy is doing. He's trying to calm things down so he can keep humping you. And that's not fair to YOU or her.

 

Don't give him any advance warning either. He's a spin doctor....

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

She already knows she has a cheating skunk for a husband. She already knows he cheated with you. The gorier details will probably come out in time, without your involvement. You sound like you're contemplating acting out of spite, not out of genuine concern for her.

 

My advice would be to stay away from him, and leave her alone. You've done enough damage.

 

Bullsh*t. He will never, EVER tell her the truth unless she finds out on her own. I read no spite in her post. Where is this "spite"? She's trying to find a way to be free of him............

[debs]

No I wouldn't volunteer the info but you betcha if she did contact me I would spill the beans!

 

I didn't have to be told what was going on with my now exH. I was my own detective, the 21 yr old posted her info on her web blog! Talk about an eye opener hmmm? He denied it even the day he left!

 

Would I want to be told oh hell yes, after I did confront her she told me to get my head out of my azz?

 

So now she has my exH and now I see it was a blessing I did say her or me!

She can have him with his lies and bs! Not to mention his habitual jobless self!

 

I say good rid-dens to your MM and get on with your life and say to hell with him!

[Pocky]

She made him call me and tell me on the phone while she was listening on the extension that it was over between us.

 

If the wife wanted to know the details so badly she would have grabbed the phone while listening in to the bogus break and asked the questions herself. She had an opportunity to talk to the OW and she didn't take it.

 

Bullsh*t. He will never, EVER tell her the truth unless she finds out on her own. I read no spite in her post. Where is this "spite"? She's trying to find a way to be free of him............

 

She can find her own way of being free from him - the same way she found her own way of ****ing him on a regular basis. Isn't it time she GTFO of this marriage and let them handle it in their own way? Last time I checked they were all adults.

 

Forget the wife, think YOU. Ok?

 

Isn't it time she stopped thinking of herself? Considering she's been screwing a married man she's been thinking of herself the entire time.

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Pocky

If the wife wanted to know the details so badly she would have grabbed the phone while listening in to the bogus break and asked the questions herself. She had an opportunity to talk to the OW and she didn't take it.

 

 

 

She can find her own way of being free from him - the same way she found her own way of ****ing him on a regular basis. Isn't it time she GTFO of this marriage and let them handle it in their own way? Last time I checked they were all adults.

 

 

 

Isn't it time she stopped thinking of herself? Consider she's been screwing a married man she's been thinking of herself the entire time.

 

Not when the guy is still calling her-IF he had said "Yes it's over I'm busted, sorry" then she's not obligated. But when the wife has been told false details AND had a fake phone conversation with the HUSBAND and her then no. Or if you're so vehemntly opposed to revealing those details, tell the husband you'll call with proof if he doesn't stop contacting.

 

I don't buy your post, at all.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by overseas2004

Um, is it important at this point to HER that it lasted 3 months or one year???

 

I dont know if you know the wedding vows these people took and how serious they are. But at one point the Priest says "what God has put together let no man put asunder". You need to keep repeating these words to yourself....

 

There is a HUGE difference between 3 months and a year. I can see a HUGE difference in my relationship from when it was just 3 months to now (8 months). A year is NOT a fling. The wife needs to know this. It might be a lot easier for her to get over a "fling" (like what happens in Vegas...) than a real, long-term emotionally heavy relationship.

 

And puleeeezzzeee, drop the God crap. Who says that a wedding ceremony must involve references to God and the Bible anyhow? The last 3 weddings I have been to made no mention of it.

 

 

Originally posted by lady

I agree at this point DO NOT tell her more than she already knows.

 

and yes knowing it was over a yr instead the 3 months he told her would make a difference. That makes it a relationship not a fling.

 

 

See, BIG difference...so, Lady, why say there's a big difference but then say don't tell her?

 

She knows there's been an affair. She knows with who. She's already been hurt. But in order for her to truly heal, she needs to know the TRUTH. You can't recover from cancer when you think you only have a cold. You gotta treat the cause, not the symptoms.

 

Originally posted by Mr Spock

At this point, the affair is already exposed and one thing that's important for her to know the truth about so she can heal is DETAILS.

 

Tell her that her husband warned her in advance about the phone call, and tell her you've received two subsequent phone calls after stating that the relationship is not over. Tell her that if he chooses her and his current relationship then she needs to keep her husband away from you. Tel lher it's been going on for a year and if she chooses not to believe you you DO have proof of this.

 

You call her, and you tell her what this guy is doing. He's trying to calm things down so he can keep humping you. And that's not fair to YOU or her.

 

Don't give him any advance warning either. He's a spin doctor....

 

Exactly my point. No warning. Just call her. Just offer up the first and biggest thing, that it was a year and not three months. Ask her if she wants proof, if she wants more info. Tell her she knows how to contact you if she wants it.

 

Originally posted by Mr Spock

 

Bullsh*t. He will never, EVER tell her the truth unless she finds out on her own. I read no spite in her post. Where is this "spite"? She's trying to find a way to be free of him............

 

Right. He is lying to both of them so he can figure out what to do and who to be with, in the meantime causing them both extraordinary pain. At least my MM is a**h*** enough to tell me too much information.

 

There is no spite in makeamends post.

 

Why do all the betrayed people think that the OW's purpose in contacting the W, or accepting a call from the W, is based on malicious intentions? Why? Why can't you see that SOME OW really do want to MAKE AMENDS?!?!?!

[Mr Spock]

The only difference, KMT is that you would be breaking the FIRST news to your MM's wife while the original poster would just be telling her the whole truth. I still don't think you should be the one to break the first, horrible news to her.

[Pocky]

Why can't you see that SOME OW really do want to MAKE AMENDS?!?!?!

 

But you don't get to make amends on your own terms. You and the MM have set the rules the entire time you've had the affair and now that you realize what has happened you want to set the rules on how to resolve the situation? Just because you've been screwing her husband doesn't mean you know what's best for the wife.

 

We're all big girls. If a wife wants the details she'll get the details. If the husband is lying to her, she'll find out. You've treated the wife like an idiot the entire time the affair occurred and now because you've decided you don't like the game you want to set the rules on how to wrap things up. Give me a break - can you get anymore self-absorbed?

[Mr Spock]

I beg to differ. I think it's the husband/spouse who treats the wife like an idiot the "whole time". Don't make the assumption that all OW are out to get the "wife".

 

You two are arguing different circumstances here.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Sometimes there is just too much information. She's aware of the affair. Let her handle it the way she wants to handle it. If she has questions she wants answered, she'll find you. Your role in this has ended. Bow out gracefully.

 

I agree.

 

he last phoned me on new Years Eve and when pushed he admitted that he was actually staying with her and was going to try to work on the marriage.

 

It seems he only reached his final decision two days ago. I realize the anger and pain you're feeling in regard to this new revelation is still fresh. Not a good time for thinking clearly. If he is sincere about wanting to work on his marriage, you won't have to worry about hearing from him again. You'll be able to move on as you said you wanted to. But should he go back on his word and try to contact you again, only then would it be in her best interest to volunteer the information. If it's done for any other reason (especially only two days shy of your breakup) it will seem like malice and spite. She'll be less apt to believe anything you say if she believes your motives are that of a vengeful, jilted lover.

[Pocky]

I beg to differ. I think it's the husband/spouse who treats the wife like an idiot the "whole time". Don't make the assumption that all OW are out to get the "wife".

 

You two are arguing different circumstances here.

 

I'm not making any assumption that the OW is out to get the wife. However I am making the assumption that the OW didn't consider the feelings or safety of the wife when they started an affair or during the affair. The OW seems to only consider the wife when the affair is ending or needs to end for whatever reasons. Now all of a sudden the OW wants to set things straight by telling the wife the truth. Maybe because you've both been lied to by this man that you suddenly think you have this bond and a responsibility to each other, but you don't. Whatever thought you have in your head that makes you believe you should run to the wife and tell her everything is wrong.

 

Once a woman finds out her husband is having an affair if she wants information from the OW she will find her. You're acting like she's this dope that has no way of finding out. She's a scorned woman just like you are and just as resourceful and vindictive as you can be.

 

As the OW you have made decisions based solely on what you wanted and how you felt. Telling the wife all the dirty details is what you want to do. It's a perception based solely from your perspective and not from the perspective of the wife. Seriously want to consider the wife? Then walk away from the man, change your telephone number, switch email accounts and if he slips through tell him you'll put a restraining order on his ass.

[Mr Spock]

I just think that the thought that we are evil and selfish for not considering the feelings of the spouse of a MP is wrong altogether. She didn't marry that person.SHe also didn't screw the relationship to the point where adultery became acceptable to one of the parties involved in that relationship. At the worst, this poster was an enabler-she enabled someone to go outside their relationship instead of fixing what was wrong or moving on.

[Soon2bsngl]

If you really cared about his wife's feelings you would have walked away from the relationship when you first found out he was married. Not carried on a relationship for x amount of months and then when you realized he wasn't going to leave his wife for you, then you decide to tell her. If you really want out of the relationship why do you need to tell his wife for this to happen? That doesn't make any sense. IMO I think you want her to be hurting as much as you are. Just leave the woman alone, if your MM decides he wants to come clean and tell his W then so be it, but it shouldn't come from you because you want out of the relationship. Just walk away.

[murasaki]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I just think that the thought that we are evil and selfish for not considering the feelings of the spouse of a MP is wrong altogether. She didn't marry that person.SHe also didn't screw the relationship to the point where adultery became acceptable to one of the parties involved in that relationship. At the worst, this poster was an enabler-she enabled someone to go outside their relationship instead of fixing what was wrong or moving on.

 

So... is it all right for people to loot others' homes in the wake of a natural disaster, as is happening in some of the places where the tsunami hit? The stuff is there, ripe for the taking. If Person A doesn't loot it, surely Person B will -- so why shouldn't Person A take it? The owners might be dead, after all. And it's not the looters' fault that the house is abandoned. There are several ways one can rationalize participating in behavior that hurts others. That kind of rationalization only fools the person trying to use it to their advantage.

 

Or what about someone who watches another brutally beat up a third person, without trying to intervene or go for help? The observer isn't the one who hurt the victim, right? Are they blameless? Surely the blame lies mostly with the perpetrator, and then with the victim him/herself, for being too weak to defend himself, or for putting herself in harm's way.

 

Is that it?

 

On the other hand, everyone does incredibly stupid, selfish things at various points in their life. We have to be able to forgive ourselves, once we've recognized what we've done and have taken responsibility for it (which means being as determined as possible to never repeat the mistake).

 

No one wants to think of themselves as a jerk, as immoral, as wholly undeserving. And I think that in most cases people are not absolute and utter jerks, or wholly undeserving -- but we are all occasional jerks, and we all sometimes do things that are unworthy of us, to people who don't deserve the hurt we inflict. Acknowledging that makes us stronger, not weaker.

[makeamends]

Thank you everyone for the genuine and objective replies.

 

I think now , that , I cannot know if she personally would want to have all the facts or not . I only know him, I don't know her at all and this was never about hurting her, ....this was a "relationship" between me and him.

 

So I won't contact her because it may not be the way she needs. But if she should contact me I will tell her everything she wants to know and I will send her the proof. If he should try to contact me, well I am just going to really enjoy thinking about the best possible come back that I could say to him....... I faked the orgasms?!!!

 

The people who replied who live in that other parallel universe where everything is perfect and no-one ever makes a mistake, where no-one ever gets deceived, lied to, taken in or betrayed ,never puts a single foot wrong, never breaks a promise, vow, commitment for the whole of their life and therefore does not live...... ..

 

.......Please stay on your side of the fence, you can never really know what it is to be human and fallible and you should know that you bore the pants off us humans and we all talk about you once you have popped back over the fence to your perfect world! Stop being so bloody sanctimonious..... there are many many many of us who make mistakes over this side, and as long as we all have a hole in our backsides we will continue to make mistakes, so stop being so bloody basic about things.........