SummerRae Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by Soon2bsngl If you really cared about his wife's feelings you would have walked away from the relationship when you first found out he was married. Not carried on a relationship for x amount of months and then when you realized he wasn't going to leave his wife for you, then you decide to tell her. If you really want out of the relationship why do you need to tell his wife for this to happen? That doesn't make any sense. IMO I think you want her to be hurting as much as you are. Just leave the woman alone, if your MM decides he wants to come clean and tell his W then so be it, but it shouldn't come from you because you want out of the relationship. Just walk away. I agree. It's so hard to walk away when we are in pain, but what the HELL is the point in inflicting pain on another person??? She will find out in her own due time. And if anything, she got the s***ty end of the stick anyways, because she's the one who has to go to bed with this man every night. She is the one who has the MOST to heal, I believe. As an OW that did not know about his marriage until I was IN love with him, I still feel soooo much compassion for his wife! I sometimes cry thinking about what she must be feeling. She is the one who has had to suffer the most. And if they have children together, what about the babies! The kids do not deserve to suffer. That is what has helped me to heal from this situation and to know that we were wrong for each other. Babies need their fathers. Likewise, this poor wife has to heal. She does NOT need gorrie details, trust me! Just trying to trust her husband is going to be hard enough. And if he does NOT have good character and can never be trusted, isn't that enough pain??? LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Well...I am a betrayed spouse, and I'm still of the opinion that, if your intent is to END THE AFFAIR, then you should tell her the truth if you think that your MM won't be honest. Yeah, it will hurt her a LOT. But I don't see that pain as unnecessary. The fact is, the spouse DESERVES to know the truth about her husband. She's been lied to and deceived all this time...and if the full truth isn't put out there, she can't possibly make a good decision on whether or not to continue the marriage without all of the pertinent information. It's not just his marriage, it's hers too. She needs to know what her spouse has done...so that she can work with him to find out what caused the affair and fix it, or to end their marriage and move on. I doubt any OM/OW can think about the BS objectively...I do believe that a lot of the OW/OM out there DO feel bad about what the spouse is going through or will go through. KMT has pretty much stated that she's thought about this at least. I'm guessing here, but it has to be hard to think about them, because on one hand you know that they're going to be going through a lot of pain when things come out, and on the other hand it would seem like they're "the competition" for your MM/MW's attention and love. At any rate, I still think that a final email/phone conversation/whatever with the spouse would be a good way to end things and to clear the air. I can't imagine it would be in anyway comfortable, or nice, or pleasant. But, it would put an end to doubts and confusion on all parts, and set the stage for whatever is next. After that...walk away and don't let the MM/MW weasel their way back into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerRae Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Owl, you made some EXCELLENT points, and as a spouse, I really respect your opinion. It's so hard to know what the "right" thing is to do. I guess for every person, it's different. I just feel like I've caused the W enough pain, and it was NEVER my intention, since I didn't know he was M in the first place. However, I did still stay with him for a while after I found out because I was blinded by my "love" for him, and because the W even told me that MM told her that he loved me. Could you imagine hearing that from your husband?? When I heard that, her pain became my pain! What if I were in her shoes?? What would I want?? I would probably want the truth, but.... there are so many buts... The fact that I really do believe in some way, he really did love me, made me think of Bridges of Madison County, even though, truthfully, I could never have hurt his children when it came down to it. They NEED him MORE than I do. So because of my love for all concerned, I don't want them to hurt any more! I just know that his W has to bear so much more pain than I do, especially because of their children. She does not believe in divorce and to have to heal all the lies, that's up to them, not me. JMO. But I completely respect all of the differing opinions too! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 I called my wife's OM at one point while my wife was living in a motel getting ready to go live with him. Realize that what I went through IS different from a lot of other's here...my wife had an online emotional affair, and did NOT get the chance to be with him physically...they never met face to face at all. But back to what happened...when I found everything out by reading her IM log, she moved to a motel when he bought her plane tickets to fly to where he lived. I was going crazy trying to get her to listen to ANYONE but him, but of course, he was the ONLY person she'd listen to. So, I called him at work. Heck of a shock for him actually, as he had no idea I knew where he worked, his numbers or anything. I didn't ask him for details, nor did he actually supply any. I vented on him for a while, and basically asked him to get her to talk with her sister, who was the ONLY other person I thought she might listen to. He agreed...and I've got to give him some credit for actually trying to do what was best for my wife in the long run, even contrary to what he wanted. I still hate his guts, but I'll give him that much at least. The bottom line is this... if you intend to end the affair, calling the wife and disclosing everything would be more beneficial than not calling. It gets the truth out in the open. She'll probably NOT have anything nice to say to you, so don't expect her to be the least bit thankful. But if you're intent is to help her, you'll do so by letting her actually know what's going on, give her the chance to ask YOUR side, and then finally by letting HER know from YOU that it's over...and you won't let it start again. That last...knowing that YOU won't ever contact him again, and that YOU will rebuff him if he contacts you, will be the best thing you can do for her. ALL betrayed spouses spend a lot of time after the affair is done worrying whether or not it actually ended...or if it's started up again. After all, the've been lied to all this time...but hearing the end from YOU might make a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Originally posted by murasaki So... is it all right for people to loot others' homes in the wake of a natural disaster, as is happening in some of the places where the tsunami hit? The stuff is there, ripe for the taking. If Person A doesn't loot it, surely Person B will -- so why shouldn't Person A take it? The owners might be dead, after all. And it's not the looters' fault that the house is abandoned. There are several ways one can rationalize participating in behavior that hurts others. That kind of rationalization only fools the person trying to use it to their advantage. Or what about someone who watches another brutally beat up a third person, without trying to intervene or go for help? The observer isn't the one who hurt the victim, right? Are they blameless? Surely the blame lies mostly with the perpetrator, and then with the victim him/herself, for being too weak to defend himself, or for putting herself in harm's way. Is that it? That's a poor analogy. Again, comparing adultery to murder and assault is not a valid comparison. I'm not attempting to rationalize behaviour..... Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Hi all, The tangential discussion of another poster's situation has been merged with the thread dedicated to that topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=54207 Please keep this discussion focused on the specific situation the original poster raised. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 Everything we have said hasn't been merged...it has simply disappeared! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 The merged posts in the thread begin here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=378075#post378075 Nothing was deleted. If you have further questions regarding this please get in touch with us using the Contact Us link. Let's keep this discussion focused on its topic. Thanks for your cooperation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 No I agree....KMT's issues and the original posters were getting blended....I think it's hard to keep them seperated when you post since they are similar (but different, if that makes sense) I still stand by letting the wife at LEAST know if he's contacting you again, original poster. And filling her in on some details. And I still stand by KMT keeping her lips zipped. The circumstances are different. Link to post Share on other sites
KissMyTiara Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 When we say "full truth," we're just talking about things along the lines of timeline and whatnot, right? Not the details-details (e.g., "we did it at X location on X day after he had lunch with you"), right? Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 8, 2005 Share Posted January 8, 2005 As a W who's H had an A I don't know if I would want to hear it from the OW. In my situation they both lied at first and continued to lie. When H wanted to work on the M he called me and told me the truth. He said that since he wanted the M to work he wanted to stop lying and get the truth out. I heard the truth from H and that is the way it should be. It's hard for me to say that you need to call the W and tell her the truth b/c my own H told me the truth. I knew the OW wouldn't call and tell me anything. Dh was the one who told me how many times they had sex, where, ect. He didn't tell me b/c he wanted to hurt me, I asked. I wanted the details. I don't know why, b/c it hurt, but they were questions I wanted answers to. He told me things that made me want to throw up but I wanted to know. He finally got tired of me asking so many questions. End it w/ him. It is his job to be the one to tell his W everything. You no longer need to be involved w/ it. If he continues to lie then that is his problem. Too bad for the W though. You need to walk away and don't look back. If he really wants the marriage to work he will probably tell her the truth. I don't think it's your job to tell her. GL Link to post Share on other sites
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