9 months later and things are falling apart

[inappfriendly]

Nine months after D-Day. I was the WS. Since then we almost seperated, went to counseling, reconciled physically but have never really reconnected emotionally. Lately he has been distant and cold. Cranky with the kids. Not at all affectionate with me (unless he wants to be intimate). We are scheduled to "talk" tonight. I have no idea what I want the outcome to be. He is clearly unhappy with me and I can't say I don't feel the same. The affair was my fault but it was also a symptom of very deep issues in this marriage. We have young kids and I want them to see their parents happy. Right now it feels like that is not a possibility.

Looking for some words of hope and encouragement.

[Ap22]

The affair was my fault but it was also a symptom of very deep issues in this marriage.

 

As a person whose wife just betrayed me, I ask myself is she worth reconciling with. Maybe he is realizing hes not happy with you and he doesnt consider you worthy of reconciling with.

 

We have young kids and I want them to see their parents happy.

 

This one really gets me because my wife said it too. So my question is, where was your concern for your kids when you were having sex with another man? I would never cheat on my wife because thats who I am. Once we had a child, I would never cheat on her because I would also be cheating on my child. I would never allow that to happen. I would never want my child to grow up and know I was the reason her family broke up.

[tiredofitall2]

It typically takes between 2 and 5 years for couples to recuperate from infidelity. Men take it especially hard when there is an affair as it is a hit to their ego and manhood. They feel as if they could not please their woman and she had to go elsewhere. Then they also think about what everyone else might think about them taking their W back.

 

Their realize that their spouse does not respect them and feel less in control and less of a leader in the household.

 

So, it takes a lot of reassurance and words of that make them understand that it had nothing to do with them or any lack on their part. He needs to understand that you preffer him, not for the children, but becayse he is a better man and a better choice.

 

Women expect affection and love and men want respect and admiration.

 

Was your A long therm or a one tight stand? This will make a difference on how you will approach the situation.

[Ap22]

It typically takes between 2 and 5 years for couples to recuperate from infidelity. Men take it especially hard when there is an affair as it is a hit to their ego and manhood. They feel as if they could not please their woman and she had to go elsewhere. Then they also think about what everyone else might think about them taking their W back.

 

Their realize that their spouse does not respect them and feel less in control and less of a leader in the household.

 

So, it takes a lot of reassurance and words of that make them understand that it had nothing to do with them or any lack on their part. He needs to understand that you preffer him, not for the children, but becayse he is a better man and a better choice.

 

Women expect affection and love and men want respect and admiration.

 

 

yes, yes, and yes. I know my wifes affair had nothing to do with me but it doesnt matter. I know its bad for either sex, but as a man, having your woman sleep with another man hits us at our primal instinctive core.

[Artie Lang]

in reading your previous thread, it doesn't seem that you are over this OM. also, you keep seeing him at the school both your children attend, so you haven't really been NC with him.

 

i think you're husband is beginning to show signs of resentment. you describe him as being "reasonable" throughout this whole ordeal, but it was only a matter of time before his anger and hostility over this came to bear.

 

 

9 months is nothing..... they say it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to get over such a betrayal. hold on because you're on the ride of your life.

[tiredofitall2]

It typically takes between 2 and 5 years for couples to recuperate from infidelity. Men take it especially hard when there is an affair as it is a hit to their ego and manhood. They feel as if they could not please their woman and she had to go elsewhere. Then they also think about what everyone else might think about them taking their W back.

 

They realize that their spouse does not respect them and feel less in control and less of a leader in the household.

 

So, it takes a lot of reassurance and words of that make them understand that it had nothing to do with them or any lack on their part. He needs to understand that you prefer him, not for the children, but because he is a better man and a better choice.

 

Women expect affection and love and men want respect and admiration.

 

Was your A long therm or a one tight stand? This will make a difference on how you will approach the situation.

 

 

Excuse my typos, but yes. It might seem primal but it is as simple as that. What you must understand is that if it takes you telling him that his member is bigger and he is a much better lover, you must. No matter how silly this sounds.

 

It will be tiring, but you will have to repeat words of encouragement and comfort over and over and over. Until one day it is not necessary and life goes on. You must be willing and less frustrated as you sound right now.

 

Are you in counseling?

[twosadthings]

Two weeks ago you were still thinking about your lover 95% of the time, what do you expect. You said children want their parents to be happy. Would you be happy if your husband was thinking of someone else 95% of the time?

 

I can't tell you how to feel, but when you have your talk tonight if you really want to save your family and relationship you have to finally do the things presented to faithless spouses over and over again on this and other infidelity sites. Demonstrate complete and palpable remorse. Have no further contact with the other man no matter what your children's school circumstances are. Give your husband your full attention and honesty. Be fully transparent about your whereabouts and communications and work on your happiness not hope for or just expect for it to happen.

 

It's hard work but anything worth having is.

 

Good luck tonight,

 

Twosadthings

[tiredofitall2]

"I know that most of you will think and probably tell me that I am a stupid, selfish brat who dodged a huge bullet so why am I dwelling on this? Why can't I let it go? Why can't I let HIM go? What about my poor husband and kids?! And I agree with you! SO if there is anyone out there who can shed some real insight into why this man still occupies 95% of my thoughts and dreams, I would appreciate it. What is the SOMETHING that keeps me holding on to NOTHING?"

 

Your quote.....

 

Until you start working on getting out of your affair fog things won't work with your H.

 

And NO, there is nothing special about this man, your A or anything. All cheaters feel their A is special, their AP might be their soul mate etc, etc, etc.

 

Go to IC and realize the signs of the affair fog and the chemicals flowing in your brain that make you feel like a teenager in love. Get over it or you cannot be sincere with your husband in your attempts to reassure him and treat him in a way that will help the reconciliation process.

[Ap22]

If you're so in love with the man then go be with him. You arent doing your husband or your kids any favors by keeping this charade up. Just remember, the grass always looks greener on the other side, and it rarely truly is.

 

I just dont understand people like the OP. You destroy your marriage, destroy your family, destroy your reconciliation.....and yet you worry about your kids happiness and wonder why your husband is the way he is with you....

 

Thats like me going up to a stranger, beating him to a bloody pulp, help him on this feet, beat him some more....then i'm going to help nurse him back to health, all while poisoning him.....and then i'm going to wonder why in the hell does he not like me????

[A.Moscote]

The affair was my fault but it was also a symptom of very deep issues in this marriage.

 

Of course there'd have to be deep issues in a situation like this, but I think it's better not to emphasis them too much YET, lest your husband would think that you are blame shifting your affair onto him.

 

What's important right now is to show your husband that you resent what you've done. Let him see that you are committed and are really working on it. Again NC with OM, and let your H know if there is any unavoidable contact.

 

twosadthings gave you a really good advice.

 

Be calm and good luck for the talk.

[BetrayedH]

The affair was my fault but it was also a symptom of very deep issues in this marriage.

 

Uh, the affair was a direct result of YOUR decision to cheat. No marriage is perfect. If the challenges are serious, your logical, ethical, and healthy choices are to either fix the marriage or to leave it. Your decision to have an affair was illogical; it solved nothing. It was unethical; if you want to play single then you allow your spouse the freedom to do the same. And it was unhealthy; look at the destruction that has been left. If the poor marriage caused your affair, how is it that your husband was in the same marriage and didn't cheat? The fact is that your affair was entirely about you. As long as you continue to say things like, "It was my fault BUT..." then you are not truly remorseful and you are blameshifting your affair onto him. It's no wonder he's not embracing reconciliation. And then when I read these other posts about you continuing to obsess about the OM, it just seals the deal that you're lucky to even have your H around at all.

 

I suggest you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. And completely change your mindset about owning this affair. You had other choices and you chose a terrible one. Why would you do such a thing? Why do you need external validation so much? Did you feel entitled to have an affair? Are you conflict-avoidant - building resentment instead of having the courage to address marital problems? These things are all about you and your husband didn't get a vote. If you even mention your marriage in the same sentence when discussing why you had your affair, you don't get it and are still caught up with the same rationalization processes you used while you were in the affair. If you solve this, your H may feel that you have learned enough to avoid the use of this coping mechanism in the future and he can feel more confident that he won't suffer a repeat performance.

[Ap22]

True that Betrayed. The idea of having an affair might have been a result of the problems, but the actual act was 100% your selfishness and cowardice.

 

My wife was a total B while her affair was going on. I was unhappy because of it. Sex was scarce and even when I got it, it was duty sex.

 

At no point in time did I ever think to myself, "Gee, I think i'll go stick my dick in another woman...that should solve the problem!"

 

No, this affair is 100% on you.

[underwater2010]

Just a perspective from a BS.

 

 

I always figured my first year of reconciliation was to figure out whether or not I could stay married to the person that cheated on me. Just because I stayed did not mean that I could not change my mind at anytime.

 

 

What work have you done to preserve this marriage? Did you do IC/MC or any combination of the two?

 

 

I have seen where you previously posted that the OM still occupies 95% of your mind. That leaves 5% to be divided between yourself, your kids and your BH. There is a good chance he has picked up on this.

[inappfriendly]

I appreciate everyone who took the time to reply.

Your responses have been harsh but honest and helpful. My actions have been selfish and hurtful to my H and children. I own that and will spend the rest of my life battling to earn back their respect, even if reconciliation is not an option.

Thanks again for sharing your stories and feedback.

[atreides]

Uh, the affair was a direct result of YOUR decision to cheat. No marriage is perfect. If the challenges are serious, your logical, ethical, and healthy choices are to either fix the marriage or to leave it. Your decision to have an affair was illogical; it solved nothing. It was unethical; if you want to play single then you allow your spouse the freedom to do the same. And it was unhealthy; look at the destruction that has been left.

 

This should be pinned, bravo and could not agree more.

 

However, i just know all those that say "it's not black and white" "it's complicated" bull sheet the latter is just babble double speak in a polished form of CYA.