BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 bleh. its one of those things where you hate to sound like a complainer, but im wondering if its just me, or if I really should be feeling this way. im a 'doer'. I love to do things for my wife. im not a pushover, I wont do 'anything for her' on the drop of a hat. I do have self-respect for myself, but I always feel like I've never been in a relationship with one of those girls who really shows theyre appreciative of the things I do for them. im building my wife a wall hanging armoire. ive spent about 50 hours on it so far. its completely homemade, from the solid wood outside, to custom cutting the velvet interior, to the lock, to the handle.. everything is handmade. I included two pictures so you can see the detail, just to get an idea of what im feeling.. During the build.. Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting Almost done with it.. Image - TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting (there's a mirror on the front as well, but I don't need to upload the entire process) What im asking is, when she makes me dinner, my reactions are sincere when I say, "Oh baby! this is AWESOME!" "It tastes SOOO good", and all that stuff. But when I showed her the progress of the armoire, she said 'oh, that's really nice," and proceeded to give me a mechanical kiss as if a kiss was required in that situation. she didn't even ask me anything about it, how long did it take, wow, look at the real velvet, oh man, did you do this all on your own? nothing. just a kiss that I felt nothing was behind it. When someone you love does something for you, don't they typically show a little more appreciation? im not striving for attention, or attention seeking, but her reaction just doesn't seem to match the effort I put into it. as im building it, I keep thinking, "Im going to get the same reaction from her as if I just bought her a pad of paper from Target".. and lo and behold.. that's what happened. I wish I could explain myself better. I know we're two different individuals, with different ways to show appreciation, I just feel that whenever I do something for her, I get a little 'ok, that's really nice', when my friends wives and girlfriends are all over their husband saying, 'OH BABY! THAT IS INCREDIBLE! I CANT BELIEVE YOU MADE THAT FOR ME! WOW! LOOK AT THE DETAIL! HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU??" Link to post Share on other sites
NitroJones Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 Maybe she will give you the reaction your looking for once the product is complete. Just wait and see what her reaction is then it may surprise you. I hope that she appreciates it. I love hand made things make me feel special that someone took the time to make something from the heart. I am sure she will feel the same once its complete. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 12, 2013 Author Share Posted December 12, 2013 Ill keep you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 That love languages book probably could help. Like yourself, I'm a 'builder' (do it professionally) and did many projects during my M specifically for my exW. I did them because I enjoyed doing them. I didn't mind that she wasn't overjoyed and demonstrative in her responses. However, I did come to mind that such a theme became a general method of behavior, essentially abandoning the elemental intimacy in the M. That experience taught an important life lesson. Love because it's what one does. Leave when one's love isn't acknowledged nor reciprocated. Do it decisively. Don't dawdle. Life is too short. Now I build for friends who genuinely and proactively love and appreciate me as a person. Most of them are male. My next project will be something which came about in an odd way. Woman gives me a cat that she can't stand, an old male purebreed breeder. He's become a valued companion, so I'm building special outdoor habitats for him, mainly for when I travel in my RV, and will seek to patent the designs and market them, as there's a dearth of such equipment in the RV marketplace and people are always commenting on our equipment. I do it because I enjoy it, hopefully to make his few remaining years pleasant ones, and his simple use of them and occasionally laying on my lap is all the 'reward' I need. Had my exW 'laid on my lap' a bit more, we'd probably still be married. I think it's OK that people don't care or don't demonstrate care. My exW taught me a lot about that. It's really good information. My responsibility was for caring more than was healthy. That's fixed now. Good luck in your M. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ap22 Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 heh, that sounds like my wife. I constantly wondered why she didnt care about things I was doing. She was cheating on me. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 Finish the project and then you can gauge her response, then if you feel that she doesn't appreciate your effort, then you will have the right to voice your disappointment. Now you know her better than all of us and maybe it's just her personality. Some people are more reserved than others and she may very well like what you did but doesn't have the ability to express it in words. Other than this example, how does she treat you? Does she show love and affection to you? Is your love life with her up to par? Does she treat you with respect? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bwright42tx Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 Is what you're making something she even wants? I've run into that with my wife before. I expend a significant amount of energy and time on X and she shows little to no appreciation, just the obligatory response. As our communication has gotten better what I've learned is that she would have much rather I spent that time and energy on Y. I had a major fail of a anniversary gift that way one year, spent a decent amount of money and thought process and time to orchestrate a gift, and the response was MEH . . . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 Infamous phrase from my exW: "I said I wanted it but that doesn't mean I really wanted it" I can laugh about that now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 12, 2013 Author Share Posted December 12, 2013 ya she wants it. she always talks about wanting one. good point though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tired girl Posted December 12, 2013 Share Posted December 12, 2013 bored, What is your wife's love language? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 her love language? I think its English. most of the time she speaks in English. does that count? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 her love language? I think its English. most of the time she speaks in English. does that count? No, you misunderstand… How does your wife express her love to you? You might be looking for specific words and reactions that she is not capable of. Instead, you have to find the ways she DOES express her love and affection and build on those. THAT is her "love language." Link to post Share on other sites
sydneysider1978 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 It's definitely a love languages thing. Some people feel loved by receiving gifts, acts of service, being complemented, or just spending quality time. If her thing is quality time and you've been buried away in the shed on a project ( even if it is for her) she's going to feel less loved rather than thankful. Maybe she would have preferred a day trip? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 maybe she doesn't like it and doesn't have the heart to tell you... or she has a set projection of how it will turn out and does not like it in that manner but the finished product could change that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 very interesting responses. I never thought of her love language. mine is doing. hers is doing as well. such as.. she worked all day, but came home, cooked, did the dishes, and the laundry. so... what you guys are saying is that while she might suck at showing her gratitude openly with hugs and love and kisses and smooches, and attention, she excels in showing it through her cooking and house care stuffs. interesting. now I don't feel so bad. WOW, did a website actually HELP me??? :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny: 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Haha, I wonder if she would prefer that you help her out with chores more instead of making stuff for her that she doesn't really need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I am the sort of woman that when I'm really impressed with a gift, instead of gushing a bunch of empty words, I'd scramble to think of something I could do that would mean a lot to him as well. Actions over words, you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 OP - I would recommend you getting "Five Love Languages" and you guys read it together. You are guessing right now and you may be off base on what her love language actually is and vice versa. So you guys think you are doing things that show each other love but aren't speaking the same language and so it is falling flat. Is there anything you have said or done that your wife showed a great deal of verbal appreciation? For me it is quality time but my husband tends to do acts of service. While I appreciate them I also see them as just par for the course on what we should be doing in our life together so they don't have the "bang for the buck". Nor do gifts quite do it for me. I am all about quality time. He is also physical touch and I have to make sure I prioritize that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 I appreciate the verbal "feel-goods", as a boyfriend of mine called them. Some people really like to hear it. Verbal expressions of appreciation are a well-documented love and romance booster for many Link to post Share on other sites
Author BOREDouttaMymind Posted January 3, 2014 Author Share Posted January 3, 2014 obviously she does care, she did marry me. I have issues with insecurities sometimes due to past relationships, and I often put past experiences into the present..which isn't fair. I don't really tell her this, but she often says 'sex shouldn't be the many thing in a relationship', and it makes my heart melt to hear her say it. I don't know why. maybe its because she really loves me to the point that talking is more important than sex. when I think about it, that's pretty awesome. I do love her very much, I just need to learn that while sex is important in a relationship, its not the most important thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrsdickinson Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 My husband is the same. Expect I don't even get oh this nice for his food I make. Actually he points out the bad things. Like I made too many pancakes. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 It could be she isn't a gushing, demonstrative person in general. Does she gush over things other people do for her? If not, it's probably just her personality. If she is doing things for you as well, I would not put too much emphasis on her reaction. She could be feeling lovey and mushy inside, but not showing it outwardly. And of course, it could be that her gratitude will come not in a large loud explosion, but in a trickling quiet river of love, as she thinks of your effort every night when she puts her jewelry away for the rest of her life. Link to post Share on other sites
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