So here it goes...I'm ready to share

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Alright, so I'm ready to share my story. I have stopped posting a little bit about what's been going on because I needed time to think and think right. I knew what I had to do, but I needed to clear my head and act properly.

 

Truth is, I haven't moved out yet, but don't worry, keep reading. I apologize for deceiving, but I just wanted to close the case on here for awhile till I could figure things out. I needed to clear my head.

 

Last night, my ex went out for drinks with his coworker. ((My ex and I have been on good terms for the most part and we're able to just be cordial.)) He said he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be gone long and we had plans to kick back and watch a movie later. Well 4 hours later he still wasn't home, I began to worry. I texted him, "Hey, let me know you are okay, I was expecting you home, just give me a quick text so I can go to bed without worrying." No reply, no nothing. I had gotten to the point where I was thinking worse case scenario. I even called his friend whom said he wasn't able to get a hold of him either. He was worried too.

 

Well finally (1 hour later) he texts me and says, "Sorry, headed home." I grew livid that my blood was boiling. It was inconsiderate of him to not let me know that he was okay when he had told me he wouldn't be gone more than an hour. Especially since he knew I was waiting for him.

 

He came home and I blew up in his face. I regret that now, but it was out of love because I truly thought he got picked up for a DUI or he got into an accident. I was mad because it worried me. What made it even worse is that he acted like he didn't care and he said, "I'm a grown single man, I don't need to answer to anybody". It wasn't about control, I was fine with him going out, but just me know you are okay! He then proceeded to tell him he didn't care what I thought/felt and how he has been becoming increasingly cold to me to push me away. He said the reason he stayed with me was because I keep "crawling" back to him. He eventually gave up on trying to leave me because he felt sorry for me.

 

I told him don't blame this on me when he has done nothing but given me mixed signals: kissing me, holding my hands, buying me dinner, calling me beautiful, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me, calling me your gf etc. He said those were the moments he was weak and he was wrong to lead me on. He was confused.

 

Anyways, I'm trying to make this thread as short as possible so I'll cut out some of the small details. Basically we sat in bed for a couple hours and I told him he needs to leave me alone, don't bother me when I'm in my room, don't text me, don't ask where I am or who I am with, and stop charging me rent so I can get the hell out of here. He said he'd do all that for me if that's what it took.

 

The conversation grew softer and deeper and the anger between us dissipated, as he told me he loved me and cares for me. He told me to turn on the lights and look at his tears. I don't know why he cried or why he had to show me, but it's like, what a jerk! He asked for my mom's number and I asked why he needed that. He said he'd like to call her from time to time to check on me and see how I'm doing. <<WTF?!>> I told him I would not give him my moms number and that once I'm gone, I'm gone. That's what happens when people break up, friends is not an option.

 

And also, later that night, he came in and cuddled me while I was sleeping. This is how emotionally f&^$ed up this man is.

 

So, this morning I talked to my mom for two hours just brutally hurt and wounded. She helped me find my strength again and we made a plan for me to get out of his home ASAP. This Saturday my ex is working a double, from 5AM to 10PM. I will have the WHOLE day to pack up everything and move. My dad and my good friend are helping me, it's already planned. My dad said I could move in with him until I move in with my friend next March. I will have to suffer a little and sleep on a couch, but it's okay. It's so much better than being in a toxic situation with my ex.

 

And best of all, I believe vanishing from his life (out of nowhere) will give me the closure I need and take back my dignity. He will come home Saturday night and I will be completely gone. He won't know where I am or how to reach me. And I will never look back, once I close his door, I will also be closing the metaphorical door to our relationship.

Edited December 12, 2013 by BlessYourCottonSocks

[Still Searching]

I'll believe this when it happens...you've done nothing but let this guy jerk you along, despite numerous people on here repeatedly telling you the same things. For your sake, I hope you finally actually take some action. You "telling him off", or laying down rules, then mere minutes or hours later going back on them, allowing him to come cuddle you, makes you look weak. He obviously doesn't take you seriously at all, and why should he?

 

 

Sorry for the tough love, it's just no fun seeing someone in these situations. I've been the guy your ex is now, and also on the other end of things. It's not easy, more like quitting a drug, but the best thing you can do is just walk away, stop contacting each other.

 

 

Good luck.

[KelC411]

I am proud of you for realizing that even when he is acting sweet, he is still being a jerk (because he is toying with your emotions and trying to make himself look like a "good guy"). And I wish you luck on moving out! I know it will probably be hard to leave, but I think it is what you need to do to heal. Stay strong! You deserve so mich better than someone with one foot out the door!

[fixing]

I love the plan and i await eagerly for you to execute it. Please update us that you followed though on it.

 

Enough is enough, no more degrading yourself.

 

Good luck

[me85]

And also, later that night, he came in and cuddled me while I was sleeping. This is how emotionally f&^$ed up this man is.

 

And best of all, I believe vanishing from his life (out of nowhere) will give me the closure I need and take back my dignity. He will come home Saturday night and I will be completely gone. He won't know where I am or how to reach me. And I will never look back, once I close his door, I will also be closing the metaphorical door to our relationship.

 

 

Wow. You're story is very similar to mine. My ex is severely emotionally messed up too. He confuses the hell out of me.

 

You're on the right path. Keep on it and best of luck to you!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Thanks Still Searching. I completely understand your negativity about me. I haven't shown you anything but me going back to him. You have every right to feel the way you do about my situation. I would too!! Heartbreaks aren't easy and this has been the hardest thing I've gone through.

 

I can't wait to show you that I'm serious, although I truly believe the only person I need to prove anything to is myself. I am strong and determined. I have hit rock bottom and I am officially ready. I just needed to wait for that time and it's here. Saturday will come and I'm out. I'm actually very hyped and excited about it. The plans are set and there is no turning back.

 

I am logging off for now as I don't want the negative feedback to get me off the high I'm in right now. I want to STAY determined! I want positivity so I can get through this. I have my friends and family who have my back for now.

 

I will return Saturday/Sunday to let everyone know how it turned out.

 

Until then...

[me85]

I meant, *your*...

[Cabinet]

Just a few observations:

 

1) you were completely wrong to text him about whether he was "ok", call his friend to check up on him and then blow up at him for not getting back to you. He is a single, grown man and he can do whatever he wants. You created that drama all by yourself. Detach and leave him alone. Who cares if he got a DUI? You shouldn't.

 

2) When the guy comes into your room later to "cuddle" - kick his ass out

It is just as ****ed up that you allow it.

 

3) You do not NEED him to be gone in order for you to move out. Just move out! Why the heck is it necessary for you to just "disappear" on him? You are doing this to play some sort of emotional, manipulative game on him - not "take back your power" It's not going to work like you want it to work.

 

Seriously - all three of these actions were choices you had to detach, move on and continue the process of getting over this guy and you deliberately CHOSE the route of continuing the connection, manipulation and drama. Stop trying to elicit action/emotion from him based on your actions. Just stop!

 

I know it hurts but the relationship is over and what you are doing is not going to help anything. This is harming you in the end and keeping you from truly getting better.

 

Please .....once you move..... try real no contact and you WILL be able to heal! This guy isn't worth it and you seem like a really nice person!

[Zahara]

He said the reason he stayed with me was because I keep "crawling" back to him. He eventually gave up on trying to leave me because he felt sorry for me.

 

If there is one thing that should help shut this down and push you forward, it is to hold on to those words. I would not have even allowed him to touch me from that point forward. Whether it was said out of spite, anger or hurt, enough is enough.

 

I hope you are true to your words this time.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Cabinet, please read my story. Sounds like you didn't.

 

1) you were completely wrong to text him about whether he was "ok", call his friend to check up on him and then blow up at him for not getting back to you. He is a single, grown man and he can do whatever he wants. You created that drama all by yourself. Detach and leave him alone. Who cares if he got a DUI? You shouldn't.

 

No, I was not wrong. We had plans and he bailed. I got worried when he didn't come home when he said he would. And we had a deal that we would be considerate and respectful and let each other know what is going on. I was worried and I had every right to do what I did. I simply texted him "let me know you are okay". That was not wrong. I didn't cross boundaries and act like a needy gf. and if he is a "single grown man" he needs to start acting like one, emphasis on SINGLE.

 

2) When the guy comes into your room later to "cuddle" - kick his ass out

It is just as ****ed up that you allow it.

 

I didn't allow it. And I did kick him out. Just the fact that he thought that was okay after he just announced that he is single and he doesn't care about what I think/feel. I mean, he needs to stop with the mind games. It's emotionally damaging and confusing.

 

3) You do not NEED him to be gone in order for you to move out. Just move out! Why the heck is it necessary for you to just "disappear" on him? You are doing this to play some sort of emotional, manipulative game on him - not "take back your power" It's not going to work like you want it to work.

 

That is your opinion. You can keep it. I don't want it. Moving out suddenly without any word or knowledge gives me my power back, it's exactly what he deserves. I have a lot of people who agree with me.

 

I can't move out till Saturday because that's when I have help available.

 

I know it hurts but the relationship is over and what you are doing is not going to help anything. This is harming you in the end and keeping you from truly getting better.

 

How is this harming me? I am moving out, changing my number and never talking to him again. He gets what he deserves. I left a lot of details out about last night because I would have made a book. He said awful things to me and the last thing I need is to tell him when and where I'm moving. Sure. It might be a game to some, but to me it's gaining my power back and showing him that I don't need him.

 

Please .....once you move..... try real no contact and you WILL be able to heal! This guy isn't worth it and you seem like a really nice person!

 

I seem like a nice person? And you just basically insulted me...? I am going no contact and I'm moving out. Please stop insulting me and telling me what I should do. I have to do it the way I want or I won't feel like I got the closure I needed. He has become a cold heartless bastard and now it's my turn to be one.

 

I have absolute hate for this person after the way he treated me. He doesn't deserve anything more from me than to completely be vanished from his world.

 

Re-read my thread, how he manipulates me after he says he is trying to push me away and he doesn't care how I feel/think and then he says, "look at my tears, you can see I care" and how he thought it was okay to cuddle me.

 

He has issues, not me. Best part is I won't have to deal with it anymore.

[Cabinet]

Sorry you got so offended. I definitely read your threads and so I know what a roller coaster this has been. He is being a manipulative jerk - playing with your feelings horribly. There is no doubt about that.

 

However, I still think that you've had enough of his bad behavior to know/expect it now. You shouldn't set yourself up for heartbreak by agreeing to watch a movie with him. You can be cordial with a roommate and still not watch TV together. You didn't just send one text. You sent a text, then called his friend and then blew up at him when he got home. That's over the line. Sorry - that's my opinion given the circumstances. He was wrong not to get back to you, but your reaction WAS more like a girlfriend and not like an indifferent roommate.

 

You did not put in your original post that you kicked him out. Just that he came and cuddled. Good for you for kicking him out.

 

It is so awesome that you finally have a way to get out and away from him. No doubt these last few weeks have been awful. I wish you strength and peace going forward. I hope he finally leaves you alone.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I apologize for being angry at you. I just am hurt. This is extremely hard for me and right now my emotions are everywhere. Honestly, that's why I should stay off of here, but it's addicting. We often seek for some kind of help that will take away the pain and I guess that's what I keep looking for and a lot of you have been very supportive. But I act out when people make me feel like I'm the one who was wrong and I deserve to be hurt. I feel even worse when I think of it as my fault. And maybe a little bit of it is my fault. I shouldn't have been that dumb to take him back and to keep giving him all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. That was foolish on my part. But I did it because I love him and I really wanted it to work. Can you blame me?

 

The thing I learned about love is it can make you do some foolish things, it can make you go crazy and sometimes you take on so much in the name of love, because you really just care so much. Last night I cared TOO much.

 

My immaturity last night was because I love so hard and so BIG. I was genuinely concerned. And I was hurt that he didn't care to tell me he was okay. I lashed out. I was wrong. I admit that.

 

But I'm not the only guilty one here. I tried to let go and be distant, but he kept knocking on my door and giving me mixed signals. I felt the way I did because I thought he loved me back. I thought he would realize...

 

It's so painful to love someone and then have to find out you're not good enough.

 

I made a doctors appt today. I had to actually switch doctors because I'm in desperate need of help. I'm going to start back on depression pills and anxiety meds (I've been on them before). I think that will help a little bit with my coping. Next year I'm going to find a therapist to talk to. I have codependent issues that I need to sort out.

 

I think the best thing for me is to never talk to him again. If he cares he will respect that decision.

 

Sorry you got so offended. I definitely read your threads and so I know what a roller coaster this has been. He is being a manipulative jerk - playing with your feelings horribly. There is no doubt about that.

 

However, I still think that you've had enough of his bad behavior to know/expect it now. You shouldn't set yourself up for heartbreak by agreeing to watch a movie with him. You can be cordial with a roommate and still not watch TV together. You didn't just send one text. You sent a text, then called his friend and then blew up at him when he got home. That's over the line. Sorry - that's my opinion given the circumstances. He was wrong not to get back to you, but your reaction WAS more like a girlfriend and not like an indifferent roommate.

 

You did not put in your original post that you kicked him out. Just that he came and cuddled. Good for you for kicking him out.

 

It is so awesome that you finally have a way to get out and away from him. No doubt these last few weeks have been awful. I wish you strength and peace going forward. I hope he finally leaves you alone.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Cabinet, please read my story. Sounds like you didn't.

 

 

 

No, I was not wrong. We had plans and he bailed. I got worried when he didn't come home when he said he would. And we had a deal that we would be considerate and respectful and let each other know what is going on. I was worried and I had every right to do what I did. I simply texted him "let me know you are okay". That was not wrong. I didn't cross boundaries and act like a needy gf. and if he is a "single grown man" he needs to start acting like one, emphasis on SINGLE.

 

 

 

I didn't allow it. And I did kick him out. Just the fact that he thought that was okay after he just announced that he is single and he doesn't care about what I think/feel. I mean, he needs to stop with the mind games. It's emotionally damaging and confusing.

 

 

 

That is your opinion. You can keep it. I don't want it. Moving out suddenly without any word or knowledge gives me my power back, it's exactly what he deserves. I have a lot of people who agree with me.

 

I can't move out till Saturday because that's when I have help available.

 

 

 

How is this harming me? I am moving out, changing my number and never talking to him again. He gets what he deserves. I left a lot of details out about last night because I would have made a book. He said awful things to me and the last thing I need is to tell him when and where I'm moving. Sure. It might be a game to some, but to me it's gaining my power back and showing him that I don't need him.

 

 

 

I seem like a nice person? And you just basically insulted me...? I am going no contact and I'm moving out. Please stop insulting me and telling me what I should do. I have to do it the way I want or I won't feel like I got the closure I needed. He has become a cold heartless bastard and now it's my turn to be one.

 

I have absolute hate for this person after the way he treated me. He doesn't deserve anything more from me than to completely be vanished from his world.

 

Re-read my thread, how he manipulates me after he says he is trying to push me away and he doesn't care how I feel/think and then he says, "look at my tears, you can see I care" and how he thought it was okay to cuddle me.

 

He has issues, not me. Best part is I won't have to deal with it anymore.

 

I've read all your threads. You are just spinning wheels. JUST MOVE OUT AND DONT TALK TO HIM. Thats really it.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I've read all your threads. You are just spinning wheels. JUST MOVE OUT AND DONT TALK TO HIM. Thats really it.

 

HAHA simple and to the point. Thanks

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Agree that i will believe it when i see it.

 

:-) No problem. I understand!! Thanks for posting though!

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I'm also skeptical, especially since you've lied once about moving out. And the fact that you made plans to watch TV and hang out with him (which was an unbelievably horrible idea BTW) extremely recently makes me think that you are just saying all this stuff out of emotion and, when push comes to shove, you are going to cave again. You were still trying to act like a girlfriend to this guy!

 

Now, I'm not absolving him of anything in this situation when I say this, but you were completely out of line in texting, calling, harrassing him. That's not your place anymore and even if you were still going out, that would be borderline inappropriate. I mean, he sucks, but you can only control you. And you seem to have a hard time doing what you need to do. I hope to hell you are serious this time, but I'm definitely a skeptical hippo.

[Still Searching]

I don't get why anyone would lie to a group of strangers online in the first place about something like moving out...

 

 

I agree, aiming to inflict maximum "hurt" or surprise on him shouldn't be a thought. It's about you, not him, or his reaction to your leaving. If an ego boost/stroke is what you're after in him blowing you up upon coming home Saturay night, well then this might be a good plan. If it's truly about you healing though, you'll seriously go NC, fo' realz this time.

 

 

As I've said, it's not easy. It wasn't for me, going from still having contact with the person I considered my best friend, the girl who still has my heart to this day, to not talking to her, but it's been a month and a half now. I have no clue what she's up to, don't know if she thinks about or misses me (we'd all love to think they do, right?), whether she's with someone else now or not, but in the end, none of it matters. It didn't work out, and fooling myself by saying it could have would have been foolish, and a waste of another how many months of my life. Her behavior patterns proved that I'd be dealing with the same stuff over and over again. Like they say, a leopard doesn't change it's spots...in the case of your guy, you give him plenty of time to $h!t or get off the pot. From your posts, it appears he's quite comfy "sitting there."

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't get why anyone would lie to a group of strangers online in the first place about something like moving out...

 

 

I agree, aiming to inflict maximum "hurt" or surprise on him shouldn't be a thought. It's about you, not him, or his reaction to your leaving. If an ego boost/stroke is what you're after in him blowing you up upon coming home Saturay night, well then this might be a good plan. If it's truly about you healing though, you'll seriously go NC, fo' realz this time.

 

 

As I've said, it's not easy. It wasn't for me, going from still having contact with the person I considered my best friend, the girl who still has my heart to this day, to not talking to her, but it's been a month and a half now. I have no clue what she's up to, don't know if she thinks about or misses me (we'd all love to think they do, right?), whether she's with someone else now or not, but in the end, none of it matters. It didn't work out, and fooling myself by saying it could have would have been foolish, and a waste of another how many months of my life. Her behavior patterns proved that I'd be dealing with the same stuff over and over again. Like they say, a leopard doesn't change it's spots...in the case of your guy, you give him plenty of time to $h!t or get off the pot. From your posts, it appears he's quite comfy "sitting there."

 

He must be reading a really interesting magazine article.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

So, OP, are you going to ignore his attempts to get in contact with you once you've done the deed?

OMG YES!!

 

Today I got a Starbucks Venti double shot espresso frap for $6.44. It was free for me, I guess people feel sorry for the heartbroken! haha

 

I am thrilled and excited to be moving out. Sucks I'll be living on a couch, but only for a couple weeks because my dad is buying a bigger house. Feels weird to move back home...

 

Nonetheless, I told my family/friends that I'm like a drug addict. I am up and down so if by any chance I have second thoughts to keep pushing me through it and to get my butt out of there no matter what. Those second thoughts have emerged, but I'm pushing them down because I know in the end this will be so good for me.

 

I have to remind myself of WHY I am doing this and coming back on here and rereading things helps a lot!!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I have this unsettling fear that once all is said and done and a few months go by of No Contact...he will find someone else and give them everything he couldn't give me, everything I worked so hard for will come easy for "her". I mean, I won't ever really know of this because I will be NC, but it's a thought that constantly runs through my mind.

 

I know it's not healthy to think of that and I know I need to move on, but do those thoughts go away??

[Haydn]

Really you want to hurt yourself so much???? I wouldn`t care what he is doing. The same way i dont care what my ex is doing. You really need to see this for what it is? Have you moved out? Do it. You are not a puppet. Move and leave now. Do not not make the same mistakes so many here are trying too save you from!

[Cabinet]

BYCS,

 

Two things:

 

1) Do you read the website Baggage Reclaim? If not, you should! It has some GREAT articles about just what you are posting above (the idea of him ending up with someone else after your hard work...) You can search her site or click on the list of posts to find what you are looking for.

 

2) There is a great book called "It's Called a Break up Because It's Broken" written by the same guy who wrote "He's Just Not That Into You" It is a fabulous AND funny book that you should get either via audiobook (because he reads it and he is a stand up comedian so he is awesome) or hardcopy. This book is VERY good for break ups even though it is also somewhat funny.

[Lokie]

You do not NEED him to be gone in order for you to move out. Just move out! Why the heck is it necessary for you to just "disappear" on him? You are doing this to play some sort of emotional, manipulative game on him - not "take back your power" It's not going to work like you want it to work.

 

I agree with ^this. Oh Bless, I have been in your shoes and it hurts like a moro. I'm sorry you are in the middle of it.

 

And…

 

From that hellish experience, I have learned that I should never make decisions when I am super emotional. I understand the desire to exit with a FU impact, but I agree that the feeling you seek will not last long. And that is what I hear you wanting, long-term ability to stay away from this relationship and heal.

 

The heat and drama of that moment will pass. And then you will still be left with the feelings of sadness and loneliness from the breakup. THAT is the time to be grounded and strong. THAT is the time we are most vulnerable to reconnecting with toxic partners.

 

Wouldn't telling him that you are moving out and do not want him to be around on Saturday or contact you feel more grounded to you? It certainly sounds more serious and mature to me… and hopefully to him. He will know you are serious and not looking for drama, but are truly ready to end this and move on.

 

Just my opinion. I realize I am not in your pain, and I wish you serenity in whatever path you take.

 

L

[Lokie]

*moro = mofo

[Mariposa10]

I have this unsettling fear that once all is said and done and a few months go by of No Contact...he will find someone else and give them everything he couldn't give me, everything I worked so hard for will come easy for "her". I mean, I won't ever really know of this because I will be NC, but it's a thought that constantly runs through my mind.

 

I know it's not healthy to think of that and I know I need to move on, but do those thoughts go away??

 

I don't really have much to add, except that I understand this post like you have no idea... But we have to stop thinking about stuff like this, it just keeps killing our souls!!

 

Good luck and remember that we're all here for you. We're all going through the same thing.