Amazing Girlfriend Makes a Horrible Mistake

[Tyler.1]

My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years cheated on me and I need to know whether I should take her back… Normally, I would say "hell no" and move on… but this situation is just more complicated than that.

 

She has undoubtedly been the most supportive and amazing woman that I have ever met in my entire life. Over the course of our relationship, I left my comfortable job in finance to start a company, moved into my friend's house to cut costs, then finally moved in with my girlfriend. We've been living in a tiny apartment with our laundry hanging up over the bed and barely have space to even eat for about a year now. Not once did she complain.

 

In fact, she did everything for me. She did our laundry, she would cook for me, she paid most of the rent, and she would even clean my ears for me! I had it good… incredibly good… but in retrospect I admit that I took a lot of things for granted.

 

I tend to be incredibly driven and obsessed with my career aspirations. That said, I admit that her needs were definitely a second priority for me. Sometimes she would ask me whether we could do normal "couples stuff." Although I would say "of course," I wasn't very good about following through. I figured, once I get my company off the ground, we can do couples stuff on a resort in Thailand in early retirement.

 

Unfortunately things did not go well with my company. Still, she never once complained or criticized me. She accepted me and supported everything that I wanted to do. Needless to say, when the company went under, my stress levels built up quite a bit. I was jobless and company-less and now had my girlfriend covering the rent. It is not like I was never going to find a good job, but it is definitely a tough time for both us. I lost interest in sex, and we soon found ourselves only having it about once every two weeks. I was so stressed out, and I just didn't crave it at all.

 

To add to things, I was already thinking about how I would try again at my next company. But this time, I was planning on trying in Silicon Valley -meaning I would be looking for a job over there and moving to build up my network and strategize for my next attempt.

 

A small caveat to this is that we are in a foreign country. While I am a US Citizen, she is not. It wasn't like she could just pack everything and move with me. I also made it clear that I wasn't going to just get married right away for her visa. Inevitably, when she asked what would happen if I did leave, I just replied "we'll figure it out when it happens." This wasn't exactly reassuring for her.

 

If things were not already bad enough, she was miserable in her current job and was planning on changing jobs starting January.

 

With all these things in mind, the night of her escapade might be easier to understand. Although I am angry/feel betrayed/devastated, I at least owe it to her to describe the context.

 

The night started with my girlfriend going to an office Christmas party (could it be more stereotypical?). She asked if I wanted to join but I gracefully declined. I opted to just have drinks with a friend instead.

 

It felt like any other night until I got a message from my girlfriend that she wasn't going to be back until the morning because the office was going to a club afterwards to celebrate. This isn't entirely strange, given that in my city the trains stop early so many people stay out until the first train in the morning.

 

But something about the whole thing felt unusual to me. She had never done that before. I called her twice that night to see what was going on, but simply got a message back saying that "It is the last night with my colleagues, so I want to celebrate." Although it still felt strange, I am just not the jealous type and I didn't go out of my way any further to get a hold of her.

 

Morning comes along, I get up, and go to work on some new business idea I had. She messages me around 9:45AM and says, "hey babe, I'll be back at noon." That was strange, the earliest train comes around 5:00AM.

 

I got back around 11:00PM that night, looking for an explanation from her. Her first story was that she just spent the night at a female colleague's house. I sensed her lie right away, and told her that I was going to sleep and I'll talk to her when she tells me the truth.

 

In the morning, she was being extra touchy with me, but I just couldn't reciprocate. I told her that I wanted some answers. She then told me that 2 guys came to her female colleagues house too, but nothing happened. Again, I sensed a lie and told her that I was going to work and that she could call me when she is ready to tell the truth. She is a terrible liar. I guess that is why she is usually honest.

 

In the afternoon I get a call and she tells me that she is ready to confess. We meet and the truth comes out. One of the guys that she had worked with on an office party performance kissed her at the nightclub, and took her to a hotel afterwards.

 

I was devastated. Completely shattered my world. How could she throw everything away like that? Of all people, I never thought that she would be the one to betray me. She even went to have breakfast with the guy afterwards! Unbelievable!

 

She cried and begged for me to forgive her, but in my moment of ultimate vulnerability and anger I quickly declared that it was over. When I asked why she did it, she said that she just saw a different quality in that man. For once, someone was actually giving her the attention that she deserves.

 

Since that conversation last week, she's been living at her Mom's house. We are trying to figure out what to do about our living situation, and whether we can even put together the broken pieces.

 

My mind is telling me, "forget her, she betrayed you, she doesn't respect you." But my heart is telling me that this was just a series of unfortunate events that just made her snap. Even my friends are completely in shock. No one saw this coming from her. What should I do?

 

I have already forgiven her, but just don't know whether I can take her back. To make things even more complicated, I had cheated on her twice very early in our relationship. She forgave me.

 

Are we doomed?

[TheOlde]

I don't have an answer for you, but I'm a some what similar situation. I broke up with my girlfriend. She ended up sleeping with my friend a month later. Regretted it and came back to me. Unfortunately the worst part was she slept with him then me in the same day. That hurt like nothing I have ever felt before. But, I still took her back. If you read my post which is on this page also. People have given me advice about it and told me that I should give it another go. Though there is a lot of people telling me that they see red flags all over her and I shouldn't. But, I don't know how to view that as I love the girl I'm with a lot and I trust her not to do it again.

 

 

Right now, I'm being cautious and paying attention to every detail. I'm going to take it slow and easy for now and watch how it works out. I'm not going to pour my heart into the relationship just yet until I know I'm comfortable with how things are going.. Maybe you can do the same? Because like you, my girl is amazing and did everything for me that I could want and I didn't give her attention and I let it all slip through my fingers and look what happened to me. Now, I'm not saying the girl or for example my girl isn't to blame. They in my opinion did something far worse then just emotional hurt like how I only can presume we did. But, since our love or how much we like our girls is so strong, we want to give it a try again. So, I'm going with that... I'm just going to be careful and not let it hurt me if it doesn't work out because at least I know I was strong for us and did everything I could to rebuild our relationship. So, if it doesn't work out, simply put. I gave it and shot and well it didn't work, so I'll just move on.

Edited December 12, 2013 by TheOlde

[Tyler.1]

wow... you cheated on her twice?

 

 

it's good that you forgave her, but you shouldn't take her back. She shouldn't have taken you back either..

 

 

move on and grow up

 

 

I did, early in the relationship. She had relocated to another city for 3 months. Really no excuse for my actions, but I came clean and didn't do it again. I owe it to her for being so understanding about it.

[WildWest]

I went through something like that. I cheated on my girlfriend and she was a wonderful girl. She gave me a second chances but things were never the same after that. I work my a•• off trying to show her that I loved her and would never do it again. Weather or not you take her back is up to but it's the things she does after cheating, that will tell you if you should take her back. I really believe people can and do change if that won't to. I also believe everyone deserve a second chance, a real second chance. I've learned from my past mistakes and I will never cheat on anyone again. I hurt her so bad and I would never wanna put anyone else through that again. Hope this helps!

[gabgab]

Perhaps if you hadnt taken her for granted she wouldnt have cheated. I have personally seen when women do more work in the long run they feel resentful and want attention. Not justifying it but its true.

 

I think you should move on. Things wont be the same

[tlegend]

Hindsight is 20/20.

 

If you want to be with her, you will have to forgive her as she forgave you. You will not be able to hold this over her head, and you will have to work on giving her the attention she deserved to begin with.

[Debanked]

Her hookup sounds very premeditated, so it makes me wonder if it shouldn't be prefaced by a much longer story, which she is ommitting. Seems odd for a woman to hookup and go to a hotel, do whatever that night, then hit breakfast the next morning. She was obviously already very comfortable with this guy. Wonder how that happened???

 

You get what I'm saying here?

 

Despite her taking care of the house and bills it seems you didn't know her as well as you thought and she knocked herself off the pedestal you had her on. Don't think this relationship is going to heal.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Her hookup sounds very premeditated, so it makes me wonder if it shouldn't be prefaced by a much longer story, which she is ommitting. Seems odd for a woman to hookup and go to a hotel, do whatever that night, then hit breakfast the next morning. She was obviously already very comfortable with this guy. Wonder how that happened???

 

You get what I'm saying here?

 

Despite her taking care of the house and bills it seems you didn't know her as well as you thought and she knocked herself off the pedestal you had her on. Don't think this relationship is going to heal.

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

On some level, even if not fully aware of it, she might see her fling as turn-about, or that she has some entitlement to even the score. Like I say, she may not be aware of it if that is the case.

 

IMO, you guys need a hard break. Instead of focusing on the two of you as a couple, focus on yourself for awhile. Re-evaluate.

[gabgab]

I did, early in the relationship. She had relocated to another city for 3 months. Really no excuse for my actions, but I came clean and didn't do it again. I owe it to her for being so understanding about it.

 

Ouch. Shes a dummy for staying with you and I can see easily why she cheated.

[Chi townD]

 

 

She cried and begged for me to forgive her, but in my moment of ultimate vulnerability and anger I quickly declared that it was over. When I asked why she did it, she said that she just saw a different quality in that man. For once, someone was actually giving her the attention that she deserves.

 

 

That tells me that she was looking to trade up. That tells me, that (at that moment) she valued this other guy more than you and she made a personal choice to screw this guy.

 

Sorry dude. Time to move on.

[Tyler.1]

Ouch. Shes a dummy for staying with you and I can see easily why she cheated.

 

I know I know, I was completely in the wrong here. But she made a choice to forgive me and I haven't violated that second chance.

[OnlyHonesty]

Ouch. Shes a dummy for staying with you and I can see easily why she cheated.

 

Perhaps if you hadnt taken her for granted she wouldnt have cheated. I have personally seen when women do more work in the long run they feel resentful and want attention. Not justifying it but its true.

 

I think you should move on. Things wont be the same

 

Could have fooled me. There is never an excuse to cheat. Not happy with the relationship? voice concerns or leave, not getting enough attention from your partner? express your concerns or walk.

[devilish innocent]

On some level, even if not fully aware of it, she might see her fling as turn-about, or that she has some entitlement to even the score. Like I say, she may not be aware of it if that is the case.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me. She forgave you once for cheating, so she believed you owed her the same.

 

If you take her back, make it clear that you will not give her another pass again.

[stretcher2]

My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years cheated on me and I need to know whether I should take her back… Normally, I would say "hell no" and move on… but this situation is just more complicated than that.

 

She has undoubtedly been the most supportive and amazing woman that I have ever met in my entire life. Over the course of our relationship, I left my comfortable job in finance to start a company, moved into my friend's house to cut costs, then finally moved in with my girlfriend. We've been living in a tiny apartment with our laundry hanging up over the bed and barely have space to even eat for about a year now. Not once did she complain.

 

In fact, she did everything for me. She did our laundry, she would cook for me, she paid most of the rent, and she would even clean my ears for me! I had it good… incredibly good… but in retrospect I admit that I took a lot of things for granted.

 

I tend to be incredibly driven and obsessed with my career aspirations. That said, I admit that her needs were definitely a second priority for me. Sometimes she would ask me whether we could do normal "couples stuff." Although I would say "of course," I wasn't very good about following through. I figured, once I get my company off the ground, we can do couples stuff on a resort in Thailand in early retirement.

 

Unfortunately things did not go well with my company. Still, she never once complained or criticized me. She accepted me and supported everything that I wanted to do. Needless to say, when the company went under, my stress levels built up quite a bit. I was jobless and company-less and now had my girlfriend covering the rent. It is not like I was never going to find a good job, but it is definitely a tough time for both us. I lost interest in sex, and we soon found ourselves only having it about once every two weeks. I was so stressed out, and I just didn't crave it at all.

 

To add to things, I was already thinking about how I would try again at my next company. But this time, I was planning on trying in Silicon Valley -meaning I would be looking for a job over there and moving to build up my network and strategize for my next attempt.

 

A small caveat to this is that we are in a foreign country. While I am a US Citizen, she is not. It wasn't like she could just pack everything and move with me. I also made it clear that I wasn't going to just get married right away for her visa. Inevitably, when she asked what would happen if I did leave, I just replied "we'll figure it out when it happens." This wasn't exactly reassuring for her.

 

If things were not already bad enough, she was miserable in her current job and was planning on changing jobs starting January.

 

With all these things in mind, the night of her escapade might be easier to understand. Although I am angry/feel betrayed/devastated, I at least owe it to her to describe the context.

 

The night started with my girlfriend going to an office Christmas party (could it be more stereotypical?). She asked if I wanted to join but I gracefully declined. I opted to just have drinks with a friend instead.

 

It felt like any other night until I got a message from my girlfriend that she wasn't going to be back until the morning because the office was going to a club afterwards to celebrate. This isn't entirely strange, given that in my city the trains stop early so many people stay out until the first train in the morning.

 

But something about the whole thing felt unusual to me. She had never done that before. I called her twice that night to see what was going on, but simply got a message back saying that "It is the last night with my colleagues, so I want to celebrate." Although it still felt strange, I am just not the jealous type and I didn't go out of my way any further to get a hold of her.

 

Morning comes along, I get up, and go to work on some new business idea I had. She messages me around 9:45AM and says, "hey babe, I'll be back at noon." That was strange, the earliest train comes around 5:00AM.

 

I got back around 11:00PM that night, looking for an explanation from her. Her first story was that she just spent the night at a female colleague's house. I sensed her lie right away, and told her that I was going to sleep and I'll talk to her when she tells me the truth.

 

In the morning, she was being extra touchy with me, but I just couldn't reciprocate. I told her that I wanted some answers. She then told me that 2 guys came to her female colleagues house too, but nothing happened. Again, I sensed a lie and told her that I was going to work and that she could call me when she is ready to tell the truth. She is a terrible liar. I guess that is why she is usually honest.

 

In the afternoon I get a call and she tells me that she is ready to confess. We meet and the truth comes out. One of the guys that she had worked with on an office party performance kissed her at the nightclub, and took her to a hotel afterwards.

 

I was devastated. Completely shattered my world. How could she throw everything away like that? Of all people, I never thought that she would be the one to betray me. She even went to have breakfast with the guy afterwards! Unbelievable!

 

She cried and begged for me to forgive her, but in my moment of ultimate vulnerability and anger I quickly declared that it was over. When I asked why she did it, she said that she just saw a different quality in that man. For once, someone was actually giving her the attention that she deserves.

 

Since that conversation last week, she's been living at her Mom's house. We are trying to figure out what to do about our living situation, and whether we can even put together the broken pieces.

 

My mind is telling me, "forget her, she betrayed you, she doesn't respect you." But my heart is telling me that this was just a series of unfortunate events that just made her snap. Even my friends are completely in shock. No one saw this coming from her. What should I do?

 

I have already forgiven her, but just don't know whether I can take her back. To make things even more complicated, I had cheated on her twice very early in our relationship. She forgave me.

 

Are we doomed?

you should've went with her for what she had done for you. I don't feel sorry for you.

[aussietigerwolf]

You cheated on her twice and not only did she forgive you but did everything for you and you ignore her, tell her you're moving to another country with no plans or even seeming to have any interest in the 2 of you being together there.... I wouldn't have cheated but I would've assumed that was your way of passively dumping me and left.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

D

t

m

f

a

 

!!!!!

[FrankieFrank]

A small caveat to this is that we are in a foreign country. While I am a US Citizen, she is not. It wasn't like she could just pack everything and move with me. I also made it clear that I wasn't going to just get married right away for her visa. Inevitably, when she asked what would happen if I did leave, I just replied "we'll figure it out when it happens." This wasn't exactly reassuring for her.

 

This isn't small.

 

Have you considered a possibility that she was playing a perfect gf/wife in order for you to marry her and get her access to that "all American life"?

 

You might be just an instrument here. Be vigilant.

[silverline]

I think it depends whether you can live with the fact that she cheated on you.

 

 

If you cant trust her ever again you are in for a lot of pain...and the relationship will eventually fall apart.

 

I personally think you broke something sacred when you cheated on her. She may have forgiven you but never saw you the same way again. Hence why she cheated on you later on.

 

 

Yes its doomed

[fixing]

Damn man! I was reading an almost IDENTICAL situation as my own! Until the last line. Then i lost all sympathy for you.

 

She should have left you. But as it is now....

 

There is never any excuse for cheating. Did you neglect her? Maybe you did. That doesnt mean she is allowed to cheat on you. She should tell you she feels neglected, or even better, you dont neglect her!!!

 

But fact of the matter is, she met this guy at the party (Maybe she met up with him before) and she willingly went back to his hotel to have sex with him, probably in the morning too.

She lied and tried to hide it from you. Which means she clearly doesnt really regret it, and in her own words (LOL) she was kinda justified because you neglected her in the first place.

 

She will cheat again when another house party, wedding or christening arises.

 

I think the relationship is over. I want to reiterate that she should have dumped you first, but now the pendulum has been swung and its just a matter of time before the arguments, jealousy and more cheating ensues.

 

ITS OVER.

[soccerrprp]

You are both cheaters. Doesn't matter why. No, not every deserves a second a chance when it comes to cheating. You have forgiven? Perhaps, but neither of you will forget.

 

Good luck.

[Madman81]

She shouldn't have cheated on you. That goes without saying.

 

However, the fact that she's basically done everything for you, paid the rent while you chased your dreams, and put up with you neglecting HER needs for 2.5 years -- after you cheated on her twice and she was good enough to forgive you, no less -- is a pretty damned good explanation for why she did what she did.

 

I think you should let her go. Not in the sense of "kick her cheating ass to the curb", but in the sense of "let her go so she can find a fulfilling relationship that won't be so completely one-sided and in which her partner will actually try to meet her needs and not just his own".

[Tyler.1]

This is a very unhealthy realtionship and if you stay yes you are doomed. 100%. I don't think she is a bad person. Just immature like you are. She will be fine in future. You, I am not so sure about.

 

You cheated twice and neglected her and yourself. Dangerous path if you stay on it. With her the first sign of attention and bam her head is turned. I really don't see how you can move forward in a healthy way the way you both are now.

 

You are obsessed to making it career wise and people like you simply don't have the time to give a relationship the time and effort it deserves/needs. If you float along eventually things come to a head. You cheated, she cheated, she needs a visa. Dude this is one giant mess. I know you feel an obligation to her but if your risk your furure for this woman you will end up with nothing. Neither of you have the emotional maturity to pull this off. The dynamcis of the relationship are all wrong.

 

I would break up but promise to pay her back the moey for rent etc. You owe her that so get her account details and promise to pay that money back. In the meantime chase you dreams but DONT neglect yourself. Otherwise you won't have learnt a thing from this experience ( i dont think you will). If you stay you will break up. Just a matter of when and god help you if you get married. There is a minefield in front of you. Thread VERY carefully. Time for head to rule the heart of your life as you know it is effectively over...

 

She is not amazing. Amazing people don't cheat IMO and then blame lack of attention. Many people cook and clean, pay rent. Nothing amazing about that. Nice qualities sure. The amazing you are looking for is a LONG way away unless you change...

 

Awesome advice. Thanks.

[gaius]

If you found a girl who not only doesn't break up with you after all that professional failure but mind bogglingly still wants sex hold on to her no matter what. Even if she blows your dad, brothers, best friend and unemployment case worker. There aren't many girls who would put up with half that amount of nonsense and still be turned on by you on any level.

[FrankieFrank]

Am I the only one who noticed the whole visa thing? Of course she would be amazing, supportive, doing housework and always ready to go sexually now when it's beneficial to make want a guy marry you for citizenship. Once citizenship is gotten, would awesomeness continue? I highly friggin doubt so.

[Tyler.1]

Am I the only one who noticed the whole visa thing? Of course she would be amazing, supportive, doing housework and always ready to go sexually now when it's beneficial to make want a guy marry you for citizenship. Once citizenship is gotten, would awesomeness continue? I highly friggin doubt so.

 

Frank it was mentioned already. It's definitely not a factor though, we are in a wealthy developed country. Not everyone is dying to live in the United States.