Amazing Girlfriend Makes a Horrible Mistake

[Ruby Slippers]

So what exactly did cheating achieve?

Maybe deep down she wanted to hurt him in retaliation for the ways he had hurt her, including his previous cheating. I can imagine her feeling lonely and neglected by her boyfriend at the Christmas party, after he declined being her date, drinking too much and compounding the feelings, then saying F it and going off with some other guy. I'd never do that, but that's me. When a relationship isn't working for me, I tell the guy why and give him a chance to step up. If he does not, I leave.

 

She seems to tolerate you being hyper focused on work yet ignoring her. She doesn't complain or express her dissatisfaction much.

 

But behind your back she finds another man to play with.

I used to tell my ex that he should be careful, because some of his behavior was the kind of thing that was going to end up with him being cheated on someday - emotional inattentiveness, thoughtlessness, selfishness. He brings a lot of "perks" to a relationship that many women would like to make use of, I'm sure - good-looking, makes good money, provider type, driven and ambitious, responsible. But he's lacking on the emotional intelligence side, and is kind of a selfish lover. So I can easily see a woman being with him for practical reasons, then sneaking around to get adoration and attention elsewhere.

[beach]

You ignored her emotional needs and even made no effort to attend a party she invited you to attend. Why weren't you willing to make her your priority?

 

Going for a drink with a friend was more important to you - that says enough - you made no effort for HER needs.

 

 

I don't see you as relationship ready material.

 

When you are willing to consider providing - and considering a woman's needs before your own - then you might be ready for a relationship.

 

In the meantime, figure out how to provide a stable income for yourself - and learn what it takes to sustain a healthy, balanced and happy relationship based on honest communication.

[sidney2718]

Thanks for all the advice guys.

 

It does sound like the relationship is too broken to mend.

 

I know that I have done a lot wrong myself, but keep in mind that I wrote the details of this post to defend her actions as much as possible. I'm desperately trying to find a way to forgive her.

 

The truth is, despite all of my wrongs that I mentioned, I did tell her all the time how I could never have come this far without her. I hold her close and tell her that, and I truly mean it when I say that I'm absolutely crazy about her. From time to time I did bring up marriage, and was serious about it. I never asked her for any of the things that she has done for me, and have never forced her to do anything that she didn't want to do.

 

The problem now is that I just don't see her in the same light. I used to feel assured that if I ever got into a car accident and became paralyzed, she would take care of me. I would do the same for her. But after all this, I'm just not sure anymore. Would she eventually run off with another guy? To me, that is critical part of the relationship that may never be the same again.

 

The problem is, if you two got together again, how would you treat HER. One problem with this board is that women who cheat are automatically condemned. Men who cheat are given much less trouble.

 

I'll repeat what I wrote before: you should be begging her to come back. You broke it when you cheated. Broke it wide open. Don't give me the ONS stuff, for all you know all your fGF had was a ONS and yet you aren't sure about her.

 

So you broke it wide open. Then she forgave you and took you back. Didn't even give you hell about the affair. She trusted you and how did you repay her? The best that can be said is that you ignored her.

 

And all the while all she wanted was some sympathy and comfort. She found it. Inappropriately and wrongly. And YOU are all bent out of shape over it. Just think about it. A man she doesn't know nearly as well as she knows you was able to give her comfort and you can't.

 

I know that many in the chorus here think that it is all over because SHE CHEATED, ignoring everything else. The chorus isn't wrong. But this is real life, not an opera. You have to look at what you did to her, own it, and try to pay it back.

 

Perhaps the two you you are doomed. She stupidly seems to think that you are worth it. Perhaps if you take her back she will wake up and realize that you are not worth it. You will have to live with that.

 

Attitude adjustments seem to be badly needed here.

[sidney2718]

But if relationship is so crappy, then cheating makes no sense. Because at the end of the day after you cheat in a bad relationship you are still in a bad relationship, unless a partner breaks up with you or you add explicitly that you want to break up. But then, why not just say you are breaking up without cheating "bonus"? That would be quite a lowering yourself in a situation that was already not great to begin with.

 

So what exactly did cheating achieve?

 

Well, I'd guess that it gave her an evening of comfort and attention with someone who petted her and told her how nice and sweet she was, and so on. And for all we know he put her pleasure ahead of his when he had sex.

 

Come on, many of you guys have done the comforting the upset girl routine in High School. You know what is involved.

[road]

You ignored her emotional needs and even made no effort to attend a party she invited you to attend. Why weren't you willing to make her your priority?

 

Going for a drink with a friend was more important to you - that says enough - you made no effort for HER needs.

 

 

I don't see you as relationship ready material.

 

When you are willing to consider providing - and considering a woman's needs before your own - then you might be ready for a relationship.

 

In the meantime, figure out how to provide a stable income for yourself - and learn what it takes to sustain a healthy, balanced and happy relationship based on honest communication.

 

 

 

The truth.

[road]

The problem is, if you two got together again, how would you treat HER. One problem with this board is that women who cheat are automatically condemned. Men who cheat are given much less trouble.

 

I'll repeat what I wrote before: you should be begging her to come back. You broke it when you cheated. Broke it wide open. Don't give me the ONS stuff, for all you know all your fGF had was a ONS and yet you aren't sure about her.

 

So you broke it wide open. Then she forgave you and took you back. Didn't even give you hell about the affair. She trusted you and how did you repay her? The best that can be said is that you ignored her.

 

And all the while all she wanted was some sympathy and comfort. She found it. Inappropriately and wrongly. And YOU are all bent out of shape over it. Just think about it. A man she doesn't know nearly as well as she knows you was able to give her comfort and you can't.

 

I know that many in the chorus here think that it is all over because SHE CHEATED, ignoring everything else. The chorus isn't wrong. But this is real life, not an opera. You have to look at what you did to her, own it, and try to pay it back.

 

Perhaps the two you you are doomed. She stupidly seems to think that you are worth it. Perhaps if you take her back she will wake up and realize that you are not worth it. You will have to live with that.

 

Attitude adjustments seem to be badly needed here.

 

 

 

More truth.

[Spectre]

All this, AND you declined being your girlfriend's date for her company Christmas party. What kind of lousy boyfriend of 2 1/2 years lets his woman go dateless to her office Christmas party?

 

Given how much you've taken her for granted and neglected her all this time, I'm not surprised she found comfort in someone else's arms. That was a loud and clear message that she's fed up with your neglect. Let her go.

 

One would think though that a louder and clearer message she is fed up would just be to dump him.

 

However, no..this is NOT just a case of a neglected woman being fed up. Please don't brush it off as that. I don't care what this guy did, the way this woman cheated..the thing with the breakfast? That isn't just some poor neglected woman, sorry. That's some a plain cruel ass person, with zero respect for their partner or themselves. I realize the boyfriend also cheated, but if you can cheat and then wake up the next morning and see the person you cheated on with and then not feel sick with guilt and then also go to breakfast with him?

 

I don't know, I'd wonder if maybe this dude did not cheat on her because he sensed how deep down she had zero love for him?

[Spectre]

OOO don't say that. Ive been saying that for a long time and the men cannot simply tolerate being called out on this.

 

Err, the problem is we have seen plenty of men called out on their bad behavior here. That is what I personally have a hard time tolerating. For every thread I see a female cheater bashed I can go and find one with a male cheater being bashed.

 

Is the double standard still prevalent in our overall society? Yes, is it a huge problem on this specific forum? Uh, not that I see. There are far far too many people here of both genders who have been cheated on to let something like this be prevalent.

 

Just like for instance, this female cheater isn't being more condemned then her male cheating bf simply because she is female, that is just more to do with the way she went about cheating and the breakfast thing. He did cheat and it is horrible, but she chose to forgive him and by not dumping him when she was unhappy via neglect she chose to remain with him.

Edited December 22, 2013 by Spectre

[FrankieFrank]

I have seen several threads where a gf simply kissed another guy once when drunk, fessed up to it afterwards and acted like an insanely good gf for months afterwards to make up for it and she was condemned forever and had no sympathy from responders. The same situation with men (which Ive also seen many times on this site) you get maybe 1 person responding saying "don't forgive him"

Why do you care about it now? Correct it on the spot, when it comes up.

 

If cheating women are to be condemned, so are cheating men. How is that a question? Except most posters condemning cheating women are male, so they are probably not all that interested in cases of male infidelity, as it bears little relevance to their relationship experience.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

Some other dude was pounding her man, the thought of that alone would bug me too much. It's your call though maybe you will get over the fact that some other guy was pounding her while you were together but idk it's pretty hard.

[drifter777]

No, its because the US is a patriarchy and most people, whether they want to admit it or not, are brainwashed by their surroundings and enforce the double standards that hurt women. Im not blaming men entirely, because I find alot of women are harsher on other women than men because they are used to living in a world where men get off the hook easier. Most people think women cheating is a much more grave offense.

No, its like I told you. I don't post to threads about men cheating because I have no history with that behavior.

[JAG-UR]

OK, so you cheat 2 times and you're forgiven, and you are seriously asking if you should forgive your partner?

Honestly, I don't see a question here. You yourself called her 'amazing' and you've described how good she is to you. If she could suck it up and forgive you, you need to do the same. Otherwise, you are exhibiting double standards and hypocrisy.

[peruano99]

What country is she from? Also you two need to separate. Your relationship is crumbling already and who knows how many more times she can cheat? First thing you need to do is be a better man who will not cheat, and the second thing you need to do is take a break from dating for a while until you become a better person.

Edited December 30, 2013 by peruano99