Bf's friend comes onto me. I'm to blame?

[mestisa89]

My bf and I rekindled our relationship a little over 5 months ago. It ended the first time b/c he wasn't over his ex and instead of being upfront about it, he did things behind my back. But I forgave him and we are together again. He is a really busy guy who works 5-6 days a week and long hours. At times I feel neglected because he chooses to work extra days just for the money (he doesn't really need it) so I feel like he prioritizes work above me. I am busy too, because I am a full time college student but I still go out of my way to make time and see him.

 

Well last weekend I ended up going out with some mutual friends to a club. He doesn't mind that I go out without him because I let him do the same, and we trust each other. But I betrayed his trust. There is no sparkly or candy-coated way of saying this. I f***** up. One of his close friends who was extremely wasted came onto me, kissed me, even though I did try to stop him. It all happened really fast, he sort of just grabbed me and kissed me. And despite how drunk I was, I should have defended myself better. I didn't. On the way home he sat next to me, nearly passed out drunk and rested his head on my lap. Another friend with us was taking pictures of everyone throughout the night and got a snapshot of him resting his head on my lap. You can believe that this photo got to my bf after I had told him about the kiss. He flipped out. I spilled the truth- everything to him but he doesn't believe me. And his son of a b**** friend doesn't even have the balls to answer my bf's calls and be straight up about what happened. Instead he is hiding in his room b/c he is afraid of getting his ass kicked. He finally contacted my bf, told him he did no such thing and that I am full of sh**.

 

My boyfriend feels betrayed by two people whom he loved and I don't know what to do. He already had trust issues from his ex who had SLEPT with another man behind his back. Aside from that kiss, I have never went behind his back about ANYTHING. Why would I? I know what it's like to be cheated on. So after giving him a few days to cool off, I went to his house to talk. Bad idea. He hadn't cooled off, was still pissed and went verbally abusive on me. He called me slu* and wh***, stupid b****, you name it. His friend would call while he was yelling at me and he'd answer saying "I'm looking at a sl** right now". He said he wanted nothing to do with me and while I am sobbing uncontrollably and shaking in front of him, he says I messed everything up. It was 100% my fault. When I would defend myself he would accuse me of lying and sleeping with his friend. I am pretty sure he had been drinking earlier, perhaps to help him cope with the pain. But his words crushed me that night and I drove off 30 min away back home, shaking and sobbing. I'm surprised I made it back safe because my head was spinning and I felt like vomiting. I expected him to contact me the day after to return my belongings at his house but he hasn't which makes me think that he only said those things to me out of drunkeness and anger. Regardless, I felt like I became the victim.

 

Now you may sit there and think there's no way our relationship could be saved. But you have to understand, before all of this happened, we were doing fine. Yes he was busy but I was still happy and I loved him. I wanted a future with him and still do. Where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I give him time to think? Do I reach out or wait for him to do it?

[d0nnivain]

Did you kiss the friend back?

 

 

If not, there is nothing for you to be forgiven about. You didn't do anything wrong. You were basically assaulted by your BF's friend. Perhaps you should have shoved him off your lap but if he was passed out drunk, I don't see the harm in letting him be safe.

[PegNosePete]

Where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I give him time to think?

It sounds like he has done all the thinking he needs to do. He considers you to be a *** *** ** ** * whatever he said. Whether true or not is irrelevant, that is his opinion and he has chosen to believe that rather than your words.

 

Agree with above, he sounds like quite an abusive person and it doesn't seem like he has any respect for you or your relationship. Move on.

[FrankieFrank]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions of him being abusive, posters here are overdramatizing. But if he saw what he saw and made up his mind, there is very little you can do.

 

Next time hopefully you'll stay more alert.

[PegNosePete]

^ Verbally abusive, it's not jumping to conclusions, the OP used these exact words herself...

[FrankieFrank]

Nah, he's just hurting. Plenty of BSs said awful things to their wayward partners in rage and hurt. It's not great, but sort of expected.

 

If I saw/heard what he saw/heard, I wouldn't like that either, regardless of what words would I use in those situations.

[c0nfusedm98]

take it from a PUA, "Girls nights out" is a player's wet dream. So, so easy.

 

Girls nights out do not belong in any serious relationship. Period.

 

You are not to blame OP, the d-bag "friend" is.

 

But your relationship isn't really a relationship built for exclusivity and monogamy. Just an FYI. He goes out, you go out. Pretty soon, one or both of you will step out.

[crederer]

Well.....I've never been so drunk to do anything like that. If someone made a move on me, I'd definately avoid that person the rest of the night and certainly wouldn't let them rest their head on my lap. I don't think what you did was completely deplorable by any means, but I could see why he'd be upset.

 

And when he kissed you, how did you react? Did you push him off? Did you tell him that was inappropriate?

Edited December 15, 2013 by crederer

[KathyM]

I think you have poor boundaries, and that is why this happened. Going out drinking with male friends/acquaintances without your boyfriend there. Allowing this guy to be in such close proximity to you while drunk, and not pushing him away when he kissed you. Allowing him to put his head on your lap on the way home. All are allowing boundaries to be crossed which should not have been. Although I think your bf is overreacting by calling you a slut, etc., and you didn't intend for any lines to be crossed, you did have poor boundaries which put you in a compromising position to begin with, and allowed this situation to occur.

[gaius]

There's a billion people in the world to go out clubbing with, you don't need to go with his close friend. It's just asking for trouble. Guys will ALWAYS try to get some action with the women their guy friends are seeing just to one up the other guy. You played right into it and humiliated him very publicly in the process.

 

I'll be surprised if you two can get over that and have any kind of healthy relationship in the future. Every one of his guy friends will be laughing at him behind his back if he doesn't dump you. Better to just call it a day and follow Kathy's advice in the future.

[gaius]

Lol, really? I don't know what kind of douchebags you hang out with but this is not normal behavior among friends.

I don't really hang out with guys anymore because yeah, it is normal behavior. Even if you don't want to admit it.

[nescafe1982]

OP, I would like to know what he did that broke you two up the first time around. Can you elaborate?

 

All I can say with the info provided is that if you weren't coming onto his friend in any way (and didn't kiss back), then this is something you should have told him about right away so he can get some new friends.

 

As for letting another guy rest his head on your lap? Yeah, that was dumb. I wouldn't let that happen in 100 years, because I respect my BF and I know what it would look like. I think that's what this is about: not cheating, but whether you're maintaining your boundaries in a way that conveys respect for your man whether he's in the room or not.

 

But he doesn't sound like a quality guy to begin with, so I would just move on at this point.

[ThatMan]

When I would defend myself he would accuse me of lying and sleeping with his friend.

Tell me how you defended yourself. What did you have to say?

 

We're not children here. Everybody understands what goes on in the club scene. Whenever you walk into a club it's EXPECTED that you are there to have fun and be open to meeting new people. Clubbing is great for singles who want to have fun weekend with friends and get laid. Clubbing is not so great couples.

 

Basically, your guy placed immense trust into you. You've also trusted him in the same fashion. Some couples can handle this arrangement but most cannot. I think that you two cannot. Surprisingly, getting ****-faced is not helpful in earning trust when in a room filled with people who want to get some action. Your boyfriend simply does not trust your word. He doesn't seem to believe in you at all. So how can he believe that you never consented?

Edited December 16, 2013 by ThatMan

[mestisa89]

OP, I would like to know what he did that broke you two up the first time around. Can you elaborate?

 

All I can say with the info provided is that if you weren't coming onto his friend in any way (and didn't kiss back), then this is something you should have told him about right away so he can get some new friends.

 

As for letting another guy rest his head on your lap? Yeah, that was dumb. I wouldn't let that happen in 100 years, because I respect my BF and I know what it would look like. I think that's what this is about: not cheating, but whether you're maintaining your boundaries in a way that conveys respect for your man whether he's in the room or not.

 

But he doesn't sound like a quality guy to begin with, so I would just move on at this point.

 

Yeah I realize now that I didn't maintain my boundaries as well as I should have, and we broke up the first time because he was hanging around his ex girlfriend behind my back. I don't know whether or not they slept together, but they were definitely hanging out, texting, etc.