Commitment Phobic

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He didn't contact me for that sole purpose. We saw each other in passing. Had some contact after that and talked about it all. It wasn't awkward at all. I was indifferent at that point and it was more informative than emotional for me. We've since then remained friends, and it's been years since that happened.

 

WOW, well that's good then. Did he ever meet another girl and get married or anything or is he still single and jumping relationship to relationship?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

I was googling info about commitment phobes and I came across this, it's a letter from a commitment phobe:

 

Today, I’m writing a letter to someone that I probably should have spent my life with but I screwed it up so profoundly that I’ll never be able to forget what a fool I was. So, if you’re a woman and you believe that your man is “phobic” about taking your relationship to the next level, have him read this.

 

Dear Elaine,

 

We met on a chat line. I still can’t believe that I could have been as lucky as I was to find such an intelligent, unquestionably, beautiful, spiritual and sensual woman to love me the way you did. Maybe I wasn’t ready or, maybe I couldn’t believe that a woman so perfect could love such an imperfect beast such as myself.

Each day that we spent together was magical. I can’t believe that we never went a single day without saying I love you and I can’t believe that we never went a single day without holding hands or touching one another. It was the best time of my life and sadly, I never ever told you that. Instead, I ran. You would mention marriage and I would panic. I shouldn’t have.

 

It’s probably too late now, but the reality is: You knew that you wanted to marry me. You knew that we were right for one another. You knew that what we shared was as close to perfect as we could ever come. I didn’t know, and at the time I didn’t want to know. I wasn’t prepared to admit it to you or anyone else and I wasn’t even sure why.

 

The Answer

 

Today, I can admit it. I was scared that I’d eventually lose you. My fragile male ego couldn’t get past the thought.

 

You were so beautiful that I was frightened none of it was real. Relationships like the one we had, in my mind, were a dream. I’m sorry that at the time I wasn’t a wiser man. I’m sorry that I put up a wall that blocked the most important parts of me. Parts like my sensibilities, my heart and my mind.

 

It’s been 16 years and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. I have no pictures from that time because I would never stand still long enough to pose for one with you. Something I also regret.

 

Once in awhile I’ll go to your Facebook just so I can see a photo of you. It makes me feel juvenile and foolish but my curiosity has conditioned me to never stop searching for you.

 

It wasn’t until 2007 when a male friend asked me if I was married. I said, no and went on to give him some ridiculous rationale that, “it’s just not worth it for me.” I recited some statistic about divorce and then went on to say that we “don’t need anybody. “ “We come into this world alone and we die alone.” He didn’t argue. He nodded at me and then said something that changed my views forever.

 

What he told me was this: “If you meet someone and you marry them, and then you have children and raise a family; and if after 20 years together, it all comes apart; you’ll still have your children and 20 years of memories. Marriage is like an RRSP. It’s a pretty good investment. Once in awhile it might lose value but over time, it’s always going to be worth more than you originally put into it.”

 

So, if I could ever find you and you were still a single woman; I’d break myself to try and win you back. If I never find you and we never see one another ever again, you were probably the most important person in my life. Finally, if you’re reading this, it comes sixteen years too late and I’m sad for that. You deserved better from me.

 

Had I looked at our relationship as the investment it could have been, I would have invested my blood and my bones. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand what you meant to my life.

 

 

Brian J

 

 

------------------------------------------------

 

For the rest of you though, get your act together.

 

Living with even a single regret will weigh on you for the rest of your life. It’s sad but true. Having the smiles, laughter, tears and memories of the true love you passed on enter your mind each day isn’t worth as much as making the commitment to share them with her forever.

 

Don’t screw it up.

 

Today, I’m writing a letter to someone that I probably should have spent my life with but I screwed it up so profoundly that I’ll never be able to forget what a fool I was. So, if you’re a woman and you believe that your man is “phobic” about taking your relationship to the next level, have him read this.

 

Today, I’m writing a letter to someone that I probably should have spent my life with but I screwed it up so profoundly that I’ll never be able to forget what a fool I was. So, if you’re a woman and you believe that your man is “phobic” about taking your relationship to the next level, have him read this.

 

- See more at: An Apology Letter From: The Commitment-Phobic Man

[Zahara]

WOW, well that's good then. Did he ever meet another girl and get married or anything or is he still single and jumping relationship to relationship?

 

Well, we've been friends now for nearly 5 years, and no he is still jumping from relationship to relationship. He's in his late 40s now.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

Well, we've been friends now for nearly 5 years, and no he is still jumping from relationship to relationship. He's in his late 40s now.

 

How sad. It's true that they never change. I don't understand...maybe they are incapable of ever loving someone enough to change...

[belinda22]

Ugh, that letter was gut wrenching. I feel like the girl in the letter. I KNOW what we had was right, which is why I fought so hard for it. I am hoping for the opprotunity to talk to him again at some point. The thought of the first Christmas not together in 5 years is heart breaking. I wish there was some general downslide and not leavign when I thought I was gettign engaged. So sad.

[Zahara]

How sad. It's true that they never change. I don't understand...maybe they are incapable of ever loving someone enough to change...

 

I think they are not capable of reaching to any form of emotional depth because as soon as "emotions" start to happen, their issues start to trigger and they barricade themselves from everything. As my ex used to say, "I can shut it out."

[belinda22]

Bless your socks- Please keep us posted on how the move out goes this weekend!

[belinda22]

What have the cycles back in looked like for everyone else? How long did you

Go no contact for until it hit them? What did it take? Them thinking

They lost you? My commitment phobe said he didn't know when or I he'd "snap" out of it. Insinuating he almost knows he has issues.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

What have the cycles back in looked like for everyone else? How long did you Go no contact for until it hit them? What did it take? Them thinking They lost you? My commitment phobe said he didn't know when or I he'd "snap" out of it. Insinuating he almost knows he has issues.

 

I used to ask these questions too because I wasn't willing to give up or let go.

 

I can tell you what happened to me, but that doesn't mean it will happen to you. I don't want to give you false hope!!

 

You have to let this go. It's frickin hard, I can testify to that!! But one thing is for sure, they always come back AND they always leave again. If you want to do this vicious cycle again and again...go ahead, it's your life. But if you want more substance and stability...move on and find someone who doesn't have commitment issues.

 

Being with a CP, you will forever harbor sadness, guilt, and fear being with them. They will always be back and forth. They will dump you, sleep with someone else and then want you back, only to dump you again. They will be mean to you one minute and nice the next. They won't be there when things get hard or when they are "scared". Focus on the NEGATIVES. Forget the positives about this guy.

[BC1980]

I think they are not capable of reaching to any form of emotional depth because as soon as "emotions" start to happen, their issues start to trigger and they barricade themselves from everything. As my ex used to say, "I can shut it out."

 

My ex was almost scary at being able to shut out emotions, which I picked up early on in the relationship. I can count 2 times in 3 years that he showed any emotional depth. One instance was a very traumatic death in his past, and the other was when I broke down when he dumped me.

 

In my instance, my ex was able to reach emotional depth, but it was rare and made him very uncomfortable. He actually told me that one of the reasons he couldn't marry me was because I was too emotional and reacted to strongly to things he deemed "not a big deal." He said that I gave him anxiety because of this, which was about the closest to a concrete reason I ever received.

[BC1980]

I used to ask these questions too because I wasn't willing to give up or let go.

 

I can tell you what happened to me, but that doesn't mean it will happen to you. I don't want to give you false hope!!

 

You have to let this go. It's frickin hard, I can testify to that!! But one thing is for sure, they always come back AND they always leave again. If you want to do this vicious cycle again and again...go ahead, it's your life. But if you want more substance and stability...move on and find someone who doesn't have commitment issues.

 

Being with a CP, you will forever harbor sadness, guilt, and fear being with them. They will always be back and forth. They will dump you, sleep with someone else and then want you back, only to dump you again. They will be mean to you one minute and nice the next. They won't be there when things get hard or when they are "scared". Focus on the NEGATIVES. Forget the positives about this guy.

 

It's frustrating and emotionally draining to be with someone like this because you never know where you stand. You always think that any one thing you do or say may cause them to leave you. My ex would make me feel incredibly secure at times; then, he would make some random comment that would leave me wondering where I stood with him.

 

I always wondered how he got married the first time, but he was engaged within 3 months of dating his first wife. That is actually classic commitment-phobe behavior. He talked about marrying me within the first 3 months of dating, but then he changed his tune several months after that. This pattern repeated itself for 3 years.

 

The worst instance was when he wrote me this sweet letter saying how much he wanted to spend his life with me, ect. He told me he wanted to go pick out rings and get married that year. So we picked out a ring, he bought it, and we started telling family we were getting married. Two months later, he tells me he isn't sure anymore. I was totally blown away and utterly confused.

 

All I can say is that it isn't YOU. It's him. There is nothing you could ever do or say to make this person commit. My self-esteem took a beating while I was with this guy, and it was so unnecessary. I really thought there must be something wrong with me. You don't even realize that you feel this way until you are out of the relationship. I remember actually feeling relief immediately after the relationship ended because I was able to let go of the constant fear of doing something wrong. I had no idea how profound that fear was because I had been living with it for so long.

[BC1980]

How sad. It's true that they never change. I don't understand...maybe they are incapable of ever loving someone enough to change...

 

With my ex, he had several traumatic childhood experiences with abandonment, which probably led to him being the way he is. Also, his first wife died suddenly, which probably pushed him over the edge. He is almost 50, so I doubt he will change. Even at his age, he has difficulty making parenting decisions without help. He is a CP in nearly all aspects of his life.

 

My ex would always talk a lot about getting married. How life would be when we got married, ect. We had so many plans, but, when it came down to it, he could not follow through. He even admitted that. They have an image of what they think they want or how they think a relationship should be, but they don't ever follow through out of fear.

 

I think you have to realize that they won't change. Even if you wrangle a commitment out of them in the form of marriage, they could easily divorce you at some point.

[belinda22]

What I don't get is why mine is suddenly "doing the right thing"

And won't come back he said unless he can fully commit. He doesn't want to be "half in and half out" anymore. I know that seems like the right thing, but why all a sudden the change? I don't think he's doing well and he says he misses and loves me very much and he misses out house.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

What I don't get is why mine is suddenly "doing the right thing"

And won't come back he said unless he can fully commit. He doesn't want to be "half in and half out" anymore. I know that seems like the right thing, but why all a sudden the change? I don't think he's doing well and he says he misses and loves me very much and he misses out house.

 

I'll tell you what I learned...

 

They often say these things because they don't want you to let go or move on, they want to keep you on the back burner just in case...He fears that while he can't give you what you want/need you will find someone else that can. This is why they continue to be randomly "on" and then as soon as they know they still have you, they go "off".

 

LET HIM BE SCARED.

 

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that is making you anxious. And an amazing thing happens when you get honest with yourself and let go of the things that tie you down. It always seems impossible, till it's done. Me moving out this weekend has given me this new found happiness and hope for the future since now I have the opportunity to find someone that treats me the way I deserve!! It's emotionally freeing. Being with the wrong was the loneliest feeling in the world! We aren't happy with the CP's and you know that! They gave you false hope and illusions to keep you hanging on.

 

Sometimes we don't see certain things until we are ready to see them in a certain way...It will come to you when it's your time.

[BC1980]

What I don't get is why mine is suddenly "doing the right thing"

And won't come back he said unless he can fully commit. He doesn't want to be "half in and half out" anymore. I know that seems like the right thing, but why all a sudden the change? I don't think he's doing well and he says he misses and loves me very much and he misses out house.

 

The key here is that he is saying all of this. He will never actually have to back that statement up with an action. He can say anything he wants, which was a hard lesson I learned. That statement actually gives him an easy out to look like the good guy. My ex said something about him setting me free, so I could find someone to give me what I deserve. Making a statement like that enables him to justify it on some level because he gets to be the good guy. He wants it to appear that he is simply doing the right thing when the opportunity to do the right thing has long since passed.

 

The last time I talked to my ex, he actually said that maybe we could be together in a few years. Really? On what planet us that considered normal or healthy? I'm not stupid. He's keeping the door ajar in case he changes his mind. That is typical of a CP. They can't commit, but they will not opt totally out. They have such a problem dealing with emotions that they don't know if they want to commit or not.

[BC1980]

I think it's more important to figure out why you would stay with this person or consider taking him back. The truth is that my ex presented himself very truthfully through his actions. I just didn't want to see it. I kept making excuses when the red flags were plenty. He was just so damn good at convincing me he wanted to marry me at times. I mean, he told my parents. It's downright sick.

[NoMoreJerks]

He cried, and said if we relaize we want to be together we can always try again later.

No. Sorry. But no. Unless of course you want to lose all sense of your boundaries and self-respect, or want to spend the rest of your life babysitting a baby in the form of an adult man, who can't make up his mind as to whether he loves you enough to get over whatever fears,concerns, or even GIGS he might be having. One strike and people are out, in my books. Has been saving me a lot of time and energy. Really. I didn't read the rest of this thread, so I don't know if there are updates, but tell him that he's out. For good. He had one too many chances and he f*cked up and you're not gonna f*ck up your life and waste your life away for anyone.

 

I've experienced dating a "commitmentphobe" (who was a narcissist). We lasted a year, and there were 4 break-ups in between, all initiated by him. Whether he's a commitmentphobe or not (or just a player, or someone who has GIGS, etc.) I was not sure.. but it doesn't really matter. It was the most emotionally traumatizing, hurtful thing ever, to have someone yoyo in and out of my life like that, and it wasn't going to end unless I cut off all contact with him , because he was trying to wiggle his way back a few weeks later... I completely went blank on him.

Edited December 14, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[NoMoreJerks]

My Cp has come back the other three times before too. But this time it has been longer, and he has this new mission of I can't come back until I can be "all in". Like how all of a sudden is he so unselfish?

Do not think he is unselfish all of a sudden. I believe he might have someone in the wings that he wants to try things out with, which might be why he's lasted so long this time around. These types are scared of being alone. They need to be with someone the whole time, someone who can serve as their narcissistic supply. I really doubt he is "working on himself" and spending the nights alone. Sorry, but this might be a possibility that you have to take into consideration.

 

Mine is cold and callous right now, but still says he loves me and misses me very much, and says I can move on, but checks out the hosue we lived together and asked my whereabouts.

He "says" you can move on, but he knows you won't, so he throws the words around freely. Besides, words are cheap -- I am sure that if you truly moved on, he wouldn't be too thrilled.

[NoMoreJerks]

My ex was almost scary at being able to shut out emotions, which I picked up early on in the relationship. I can count 2 times in 3 years that he showed any emotional depth. One instance was a very traumatic death in his past, and the other was when I broke down when he dumped me.

Consider yourself lucky. Mine NEVER showed ANY emotional depth. Not even once. I shudder at the thought of it now. It really was a scary experience, in retrospect.

[NoMoreJerks]

I remember actually feeling relief immediately after the relationship ended because I was able to let go of the constant fear of doing something wrong. I had no idea how profound that fear was because I had been living with it for so long.

This really literally made me shudder (in a "remembering past trauma" sort of way), because it sounds exactly like the way I felt after I was done with my ex for good. The sense of relief was immense. Almost indescribable, really. It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I used to walk on eggshells the whole time, his moods were unpredictable, and I was in constant fear that anything I said or did, even contacting him when he wasn't in the mood to receive a mssg, would lead to him breaking up with me. It was the sh*ttiest experience ever. Never again. Now I know what normal is again.. I didn't experience normal for a year, and I had almost forgotten it -- I thought what I had with him was what normal life was like, what normal relationships were like.

[BC1980]

I've experienced dating a "commitmentphobe" (who was a narcissist). We lasted a year, and there were 4 break-ups in between, all initiated by him. Whether he's a commitmentphobe or not (or just a player, or someone who has GIGS, etc.) I was not sure.. but it doesn't really matter. It was the most emotionally traumatizing, hurtful thing ever, to have someone yoyo in and out of my life like that, and it wasn't going to end unless I cut off all contact with him , because he was trying to wiggle his way back a few weeks later... I completely went blank on him.

 

It is emotionally traumatizing. What makes it so difficult is that you have to be the one to opt out and cut all contact. That's difficult to do when you are already experiencing so much hurt. You can't make the right decision a lot of times, and you just dig the hole deeper. My ex offered friendship saying he would never leave me and tried to make me feel ungrateful and immature when I went NC. He actually made it all about him and said how he was so sad that we couldn't be friends. How arrogant can a person be? You couldn't follow through with committing to me, and you can't even follow through with the breakup up enough to leave me alone.

 

The only thing I can say is that it's a lesson learned. I will make my exit much sooner if I come across this type of person again. The thing we need to remember is that it's people like us that allow these people to exist. They need a fallback, and, for various reasons, we fit the bill. Never again.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It was the most emotionally traumatizing, hurtful thing ever, to have someone yoyo in and out of my life like that, and it wasn't going to end unless I cut off all contact with him , because he was trying to wiggle his way back a few weeks later... I completely went blank on him.

 

SO TRUE. It will never end unless you are the one who puts your foot down and say enough is enough!

 

My CP said once that he could see us doing this forever...until death. I, at the time, was like "AWW that's so SWEET". I was so naive. I took at is him really loving me and wanting to make it work. NO, I was wrong, it's because he can't make up his damn mind and blames his past on his issues. He had mother issues and she abandoned him.

 

What did he do when you went blank on him? Does he still try to contact you?

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

It is emotionally traumatizing. What makes it so difficult is that you have to be the one to opt out and cut all contact. That's difficult to do when you are already experiencing so much hurt. You can't make the right decision a lot of times, and you just dig the hole deeper. My ex offered friendship saying he would never leave me and tried to make me feel ungrateful and immature when I went NC. He actually made it all about him and said how he was so sad that we couldn't be friends. How arrogant can a person be? You couldn't follow through with committing to me, and you can't even follow through with the breakup up enough to leave me alone.

 

The only thing I can say is that it's a lesson learned. I will make my exit much sooner if I come across this type of person again. The thing we need to remember is that it's people like us that allow these people to exist. They need a fallback, and, for various reasons, we fit the bill. Never again.

 

Alright ladies, were we dating the same man here?! lol

 

My ex offered the friendship thing also and said he can't stand not to have me in his life. He cried when I said I can't be his friend. I told him "sometimes in life we don't get what we want, same thing goes for you" He just can't accept it.

 

Then the next day after breaking up with me, he comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and kisses me. It's so sad.

 

But yet he blames it on me for always "crawling back" and he says how he can't trust me. I never cheated or did anything to hurt him, I was always there for him and he was my priority, but yet he can't trust me!!

[belinda22]

He has been VERY adamant that there is and has been no one else. He swore on my life and his life and my nephews life. He is "being alone" to

Figure out his life. We live in a small small small town, so I'm pretty aware do what he is and isn't doing. It's like this time someone told him he couldn't do this. When we took a break. His end goal was marriage. And I think everyone's right if I actually moved on he'd freak. The first time we broke up this is precisely what happened.

[rosedl]

I feel for you. I just had to leave mine for real and stop the stringing along.

 

He broke up with me once before for three months. This time, it has been a slower torture. Take space....wait need more space....wait, you are getting emotional over the space....need some more space for that....until I have to say aloud that he has ended the relationship and has no clue if he will ever be in it again....Kinda weird how I had to break up with him when he broke up with me. Commitment phobes do that type of mind *&%% on yeah.....

 

I wrote earlier this week. My ex has a long history of playing out his commitment fears in really bizarre ways. Everything from letting his ex move in another man to their home and play surrogate husband to be able to keep his freedom, business travel, and fly airplanes and indulge in compulsive exercise to stringing along a much younger woman for five years and then using other women to break up with her but 'stay friends' (friends, in case, he needed an option on the side) to seeking out a married women to date so commitment isn't an option (until she wants to have him commit to her and leave her husband, then that just ends right there). Right up to becoming friends with me and my being a complete idiot and thinking that since our friendship was good that having a relationship would work swell. I didn't realize that our friendship was another way of having really close contact with a woman and not be in a relationship. I thought I really knew him.....he told me everything...I was the exception. Yeah. Right. Total fool and ignored obvious red flags.

 

They keep doing this as long as you allow them to keep doing it.

 

Our recent space went from time to deal with practicalities and overwork before we could do therapy to an exploration period where he was weighing the benefits of being single versus being in a relationship. He has been on a slow back track for months. I had to go and pick up all my stuff today. Totally sucked big time. It was the second time I picked up stuff this year.

 

He doesn't care. It's ski season. Or, if it isn't ski season, it's cycling season. Mr. Lance Armstrong Wannabe and his posse of Narcissistic Men.

 

Not sexy. The last email he sent where he was now 'exploring the wider questions' in response to my questions about what we were doing and dating other people....He was willing to forego dating 'for now'. WTF?

 

I have to admit, my heart is still having a hard time accepting that the man who was so passionate and into me and loving and generous is the same man who kicks me in the teeth again and again....you get crazy....you blame yourself...you say....maybe I am not independent enough....maybe I am too needy when he says things like....'what, you have to be in a relationship?'...'what's three months?'.......I thought....yeah...maybe I am being unreasonable. It's insane what it does to you. It is a form of manipulation and a bit like brainwashing.

 

I'm 42. Two years was enough. And, it is not like I can't get dates or other men aren't interested in me. This is just plain stupid.

 

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you as well. It is so hard to love someone and have that love be exploited by a person who can't come to the table and own their issues but feels entitled to manage their anxiety on you. It sucks.