Commitment Phobic

[KatZee]

He has been VERY adamant that there is and has been no one else. He swore on my life and his life and my nephews life. He is "being alone" to

Figure out his life. We live in a small small small town, so I'm pretty aware do what he is and isn't doing. It's like this time someone told him he couldn't do this. When we took a break. His end goal was marriage. And I think everyone's right if I actually moved on he'd freak. The first time we broke up this is precisely what happened.

 

LOL, I think we all dated the exact same person. My ex was a commitment phobe, emotionally abusive, and tried to end the relationship at least 3 times in the three years we were together.

 

I too was walking on eggshells, always watching my behavior because I never knew if I would do or say something that would lead to him icing me out and ignoring me for days on end.

 

He would always come back and say that I was the problem, I was the reason we weren't working out, I was at fault, my behaviors put a "bad taste in his mouth," or if I tried to calmly discuss something he would flip out and say I was "causing drama" and that I was just nagging him and he didn't want to hear it. Not once in 3 years did we ever effectively get through any of our problems. He would just ignore me, ignore the issue, sweep it under the rug, and come back days later like nothing ever happened.

 

He was, and still to this day is the most selfish, and self absorbed person I've ever met. Everything was always someone elses fault. He never took responsibility for anything. He was always the victim, even when he cheated on me and finally confessed, he would get angry when I cried because of it.

 

I agree these people can never be alone. He wound up cheating on me again (no proof but I'm sure it happened), because a mere couple weeks after ending it with me, I hear he's screwing around with a chick he met at his new job. I know he met her when he was with me and he wound up getting the green light that things would work with her, so he dumped me and ran to her.

 

In 3 years together he would make very general comments about engagement and marriage. He did try to get me to move in with him several times and even made broad statements saying he'd never marry anyone he didn't live with; meanwhile we had been together for 3 years, had been on countless vacations, spent weekends away at his dad's summer house, I lived at his apartment when I visited him when he was in school. There was nothing about me that he didn't know, and didn't get a chance to see. All he wanted was more time to drag his feet.

 

Instead of saying, I want to marry you he'd say, "If and when we are engaged/married." He would never give any concrete yes or no's on the topic and if I brought something up regarding engagement, he would get angry and say I was pressuring him. Meanwhile, HE was allowed to bring it up when HE wanted to talk about it. I once confronted him about this and asked why it was OK for him to talk about it whenever he felt like it, but when I did he would say I was pressuring him and he just laughed and said, "yeah I know it's not fair."

 

He was definitely emotionally abusive, one day he'd be hot saying he loved me so much, saw everything with me, and the next he was telling me he wasn't sure we were meant to be together, and that he couldn't handle me, but he loved me too much to walk away. He continued pulling the rug out from under me until the final and last time when he met that new chick, and instead of working on a relationship he just ran to someone new and started over.

 

Now I know to stay away from superficial people. I look back on our 3 years and I see how superficial we were. We never had real conversations. We never talked about anything of substance. We never discussed wishes or wants or dreams for the future, we never progressed as a couple. We dated for 3 years and never progressed beyond mere hanging out. It's really sad.

 

Honestly, now I'm super jaded because of him. I wish I hadn't let him win but there are so many s.hitty people out there that I just don't trust anyone. Yes, I date. I've dated guys, but I keep myself so far detached, and I just expect them to eventually turn into idiot stains. I've gotten so comfortable and so happy being single.

[NoMoreJerks]

SO TRUE. It will never end unless you are the one who puts your foot down and say enough is enough!

 

My CP said once that he could see us doing this forever...until death. I, at the time, was like "AWW that's so SWEET". I was so naive. I took at is him really loving me and wanting to make it work. NO, I was wrong, it's because he can't make up his damn mind and blames his past on his issues. He had mother issues and she abandoned him.

 

What did he do when you went blank on him? Does he still try to contact you?

Yes, in various ways... The first one was an email, "explaining" that he "can't stay within the restraints of a normal relationship." Coupled with, "The constant moods and emotions are hard work, maybe I'm getting lazy in my old age." (he was 40). He then ordered me to "stay in touch." I ignored the email. Then, a month later, 2 texts that somehow appeared on my phone despite the fact that I was using an app to block his number (he sent it from his actual phone, not a different number). They were sent a few days or weeks apart, and appeared on my phone on the same day. In the first one, he asked me how I was doing (the nerve!), then said : "I didn't mean to hurt you but my job stops me having a normal life. Hope you are ok. Take care of yourself." ...! The next text mssg: "OK you're pissed off. I won't contact you again. Thanks for some good memories." I ignored the texts. 2 months later, he adds me on Google+ (he had deleted me off Facebook, which led me into blocking him for good , on Facebook). I blocked him on Google+ too. I have since not received any direct communications from him (a month now). I've added his email to my spam filter, so if he sent me any emails from his usual email, I wouldn't have seen it. After sending me the Google+ request, a few days later, I get a phone call from a British-based number (he was from the UK). My parents were transiting through the UK at the time, so I thought they were the ones calling from the airport, and I picked up. It turned out to be his friend (and co-worker), whom I had shared numbers with when we first met (together with my ex) but who I hadn't been in touch with for a year. He most likely had deleted my number. I think my ex asked his coworker to call me and hang out with me, to get the latest intel on me and my relationships -- because he was visiting my city for a job and my ex wasn't. Or maybe my ex was also here and thought that I didn't want to see him, so maybe he could see me if his co-worker convinced me to hang out with him. I told his co-worker that I wasn't interested in hanging out with him (the co-worker, that is), as we were not friends in any capacity. I didn't want to risk seeing my ex, or even saying stuff about my ex to his friend, that would eventually make its way to my ex. It's been less than a month since then -- and I haven't been contacted by my ex again , directly or indirectly. But I am sure he won't give up. I think he's dying a little bit inside, because he doesn't know what's going on with me, whether I am with someone else, etc.

 

Make note: commitmentphobes are often narcissists and narcissists are attention whores. My ex , if he added anyone's number into his phone, would NEVER EVER delete it from his phone. I once gave him a girl friend's number since he needed language help as he was in a foreign country and my friend spoke that language. He never deleted her number from his phone, at least up until we broke up for the 4th and final time. I am pretty sure he still has her number, if he hasn't contacted her several times already. These people are bizarre. Downright scary.

[NoMoreJerks]

He has been VERY adamant that there is and has been no one else. He swore on my life and his life and my nephews life. He is "being alone" to

Figure out his life.

Swearing that he's telling the truth is a piece of cake. Even supposedly religious people lie and then swear to god that they are not lying. If I could get a penny for every time a person swore he wasn't lying but actually was, I'd be a billionaire by now...

[NoMoreJerks]

Katzee, your ex is a carbon copy of mine.

 

"We never discussed wishes or wants or dreams for the future"

 

Did he give you the line my ex used to give me when I brought up future plans, etc.? Mine would say, I don't know my plans for the future, I don't know where I want to be or where I'll end up. I don't even know where I'll be or what I'll do tomorrow. That was always his go-to line to justify not making any plans together.

[NoMoreJerks]

The last email he sent where he was now 'exploring the wider questions' in response to my questions about what we were doing and dating other people....He was willing to forego dating 'for now'. WTF?

LOL. My ex , in his first email after the break-up (a month after the break-up) reassured me that he was still single and would be for some time... For some reason, he felt that I needed to know that... :confused: I think he somehow was trying to put me on standby AGAIN -- waiting in the wings, in the hope that he would want to be with me again, and knowing that he wasn't fooling around with other women in the meantime (as that would definitely turn me off him). Sorry, but no. Even THIS idiot (me) got fed up with his sh*t at some point.

[NoMoreJerks]

you get crazy....you blame yourself...you say....maybe I am not independent enough....maybe I am too needy when he says things like....'what, you have to be in a relationship?'...'what's three months?'.......I thought....yeah...maybe I am being unreasonable. It's insane what it does to you. It is a form of manipulation and a bit like brainwashing.

There is a word for it. It's called gaslighting. And it's INTENDED to drive you insane.

 

I no longer love, care about, or even feel sorry for this man. I feel extremely nauseated by the very thought that I even had any feelings for this man. Now ,all I have for him is either indifference (most of the time) or disgust (when I think back on the things he did to me).

[KatZee]

Katzee, your ex is a carbon copy of mine.

 

"We never discussed wishes or wants or dreams for the future"

 

Did he give you the line my ex used to give me when I brought up future plans, etc.? Mine would say, I don't know my plans for the future, I don't know where I want to be or where I'll end up. I don't even know where I'll be or what I'll do tomorrow. That was always his go-to line to justify not making any plans together.

 

YUP!! lmao

 

He would be like, I don't know where I'll be in 5 years, I can't tell you anything. Or he'd say that he saw "everything" with me (meaning engagement/marriage etc) and then he'd be like, well I don't know what I'll want when I'm 35, maybe I'll be 35 before I want to be engaged, I have no idea.

 

He said things like, "I take things as they come" or "I fly by the seat of my pants."

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

[BC1980]

There is a word for it. It's called gaslighting. And it's INTENDED to drive you insane.

 

My ex and I went to a botanical garden, and we only had 45 minutes to look around the garden because we had to be somewhere else. He got annoyed with me because I wasn't going fast enough, and he actually told me that I wasn't Type A enough for him. This guy actually told me that he couldn't accept me completely because he just didn't like some things about me. I nearly left him at that point, but he cried his fake tears and convinced me to stay. I was actually packing my stuff when we got home, and he followed me around the house like a pitiful puppy saying how much he would miss me.

 

I was always doing something the wrong way. No one could live up to this guy's standards, even his own child. He would make fun of his son for the dumbest things. This guy was beyond arrogant and always talking about other people, even his own family. He was constantly putting them down and even saying how they were bad parents. It was just constant and nauseating.