Almost 7 Years of Marriage in Turmoil After Wife's Affair

[jm2013]

So I've been posting on this board just in a different section. I think if I post what's going on in this section I might drum up some conversation from different parties who are experiencing the same thing. At the end of last September I caught my wife cheating on me.

 

I pulled phone records that dated over a year of communication with her co worker that happened in the evenings, mornings and on weekend. I confronted her about this and she said they were just friends. She would not give her phone up or anything. Very secretive so I knew something wasn't right. It wasn't just a "friend".

 

Anyways, I bluffed her and said I had the SMS records pulled from my carrier (which they can't do she just fell for the bait.) so I finally got her to admit she had sex with this guy. It was supposedly one time in her office but stopped shortly after it started happening. She claims she told him to get off her (which I don't believe).

 

So I get pissed start drinking and take like a week off of work to get right. That moment she admitted to it I had this sinking feeling and just fogged up in some unreal funk. I really couldn't believe my wife had it in her to do such a thing.

 

So here's the weird thing. I felt torn down as a man. So I go get loaded up come back home and just had the craziest sex with my wife. I mean I was out to prove that the man she's been sleeping next to was fully capable and has been just sitting there waiting sleeping next to her. Something we had when we were dating and through engagement. She woke the beast.

 

Anyways, I went through so many different emotions. Sadness, anger, disbelief. Still today I have trouble just thinking about it. Another guy being in my wife while we are married. I'm still not able to process it all but have come to terms with it.

 

So after all the crazy sex we had for a couple weeks I thought MAYBE we could R IF she did what I asked. First off I told her that this other guy was now a ghost. No more contact AT ALL. Second, I wanted her to get an STD test. It took her a long time to do this but finally did it. Then I told her I wanted her to go to counseling. She did not book an appointment but sat in on one of my sessions.

 

So a couple weeks later she lies to me and broke the #1 rule of no contact. She had signed up with this guy UNDER his last name as a married couple and they both partook and ran this event together. I've got proof with pictures that were taken at the event and posted to their FB page. The stupidity is beyond my comprehension!

 

I found this out right before Thanksgiving. I was livid but still decided to have Thanksgiving with my family. In the mean time she apologizes and says she did not know he was going to be there. I guess this guy has gotten buddy buddy with her family and they all want them together.

 

Her family has a weird perception/security issue cause their son in law can buy things nice/nicer than them. So every time we bought something her dad had to get the D tape out and bitch and moan about it. In no way was I ever competing with them with anything! I just wanted my family to have nice things and do fun things.

 

So let's fast forward a couple more weeks. We go out and my wife gets tanked. I took her home put her to bed and found her phone on the counter. So I took the opportunity to go through her phone. First thing I found was she unblocked the guy from Facebook. Another red flag.

 

Second I found a TON of deleted voicemail messages left for her. For some reason the iPhone stored these deleted messages lol. So I find two interesting messages that went back over a year ago. This same guy calls my wife and says - HEY HONEY I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I HAD A GREAT NIGHT TONIGHT. I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW I CARE ABOUT YOU A LOT AND WE WILL TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW. - He then talked about his finger hurting or something I didn't know what that was about.

 

So I play that message for my wife and of course she has another story for me. lies lies and more lies. She says she went out with her friend and he just magically showed up there and they thought it was weird. When I heard that message those feelings of disbelief rushed back. Sitting there couldn't believe this.

 

Then hearing your wife tell you you're the only love. My wife tells me every single day I'm hte only one for her and she'll fight for us until her death. I told her we were done. Sorry honey, but those mistakes could have been correctable a long time ago. It shouldn't take another man's penis to make you feel your love for you husband. Not only that but we've got a 4 year old daughter who she also cheated out of a family.

 

Now I've got my wife that's really starting to annoy me. She loves me so much we're soul mates. And I'm sitting here looking back at all this mess just analyzing it asking myself what the hell I'm doing. I've been a basket case of emotions lately but these new emotions that are here for me are of utter disgust. I look at her with disgust. I still love her but she feels tainted and disgusting now. Anybody else feel like that when this has happened?

 

I mean there's no way I can take her back. I'll always think about it. Movies, songs so many things trigger it. I'm 30 years old and could easily have a fresh start granted be shelling out a lot of money.

 

So now I'm going to Vegas for business in January and my wife decides to book a plane ticket. I'm like why in the hell would you do that. She is not respecting how I feel and sits there daily saying she's going to fix the problem.

 

She betrays me then betrays me again and again then wants to fix this. IT's like she's a mental case. And when she tells me she'll die fixing this it doesn't sit right at all. I guess I'm feeling lost on that.. Thanks for hearing my vent out. Not sure what I'm expecting. But I've been reading through this section and there are so many similar stories. Stay strong everybody.

[Fluttershy]

Your wife's actions say she is not truly remorseful and does not truly see the damage of her actions or she would have stopped. You need to dothe 180 and read the pinned topic at the top. There is no real chance at reconciliation here because she is not doing her part. She screwed up big time. So really? It doesn't matter if you can or can't give her a second chance.

[Spark1111]

It's time to confront the OM without her knowledge. he may spill the beans. Don't ask him IF they slept together.....ask him how often.

 

is he married? Time to tell his spouse.

 

Time to not talk, not have sex, nothing. time to tell her this may not be fixable and you need space and time to decide.

 

change your reservations and your hotel room. Time for separate bank accounts and a talk with a divorce attorney.

 

He shows up accidentally.....a lot, KWIM? they are still in touch. stay quiet, gather your proof, and.......wait.

 

Keep moving forward.

[jm2013]

It's time to confront the OM without her knowledge. he may spill the beans. Don't ask him IF they slept together.....ask him how often.

 

is he married? Time to tell his spouse.

 

Time to not talk, not have sex, nothing. time to tell her this may not be fixable and you need space and time to decide.

 

change your reservations and your hotel room. Time for separate bank accounts and a talk with a divorce attorney.

 

He shows up accidentally.....a lot, KWIM? they are still in touch. stay quiet, gather your proof, and.......wait.

 

Keep moving forward.

 

 

Yeah, I called him and I think called him every name in the book. I told him if I didn't have kids I would have been at his doorstep. He's married and has a kid as well. I made sure his wife found out too. That was first thing on my agenda.

 

I have also spoken with my attorney. I opened a new bank account as well and have routed my direct deposits to it. BUT I go ahead and deposit it back into our joint account for bill paying.

 

I have stopped the sex it's been a couple weeks. I have no desire to be honest. What is KWIM? I think I've got a lot of proof. I live in a no fault divorce state so the proof I gather has no bearing on my outcome in court sadly.

 

Thanks for the replies everybody. I'll also check out the 180. I don't think I've seen that yet but have read a few people who have spoken about it.

[tiredofitall2]

KWIM=Know What I Mean

[Fluttershy]

@jm2013

for every rat you see there 50 rats that you don't see!

 

Unless you live in the province of Alberta:p

[RightThere]

I don't know what it is about running groups, but they are where people go to cheat on their spouses and maybe get some running exercise.

 

My D Day was Aug and very similar circumstances.

 

Whatever she's tell you now, know it to be mostly lies. She's lied to you even after exposing the affair and she's been practicing lies for a looong time.

 

You do not deserve to be a second rate person to her.

 

Be strong and get rid of her!

[Clay]

You need to get away from her. There is no way you will ever be able to think clearly when she has this much access to you. As far as the bills you need to keep that split up. She is going to play you both and bleed you dry if you let her.

 

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[Try]

So a couple weeks later she lies to me and broke the #1 rule of no contact. She had signed up with this guy UNDER his last name as a married couple and they both partook and ran this event together. I've got proof with pictures that were taken at the event and posted to their FB page. The stupidity is beyond my comprehension!

This is beyond the simple hidden breaking of no contact. She ran the event with the other man ("OM") telling everyone that she was his wife. Publishing the pictures was not stupidity, it was public disrespect of you and your marraige.

 

In the mean time she apologizes and says she did not know he was going to be there. I guess this guy has gotten buddy buddy with her family and they all want them together.

This was an event with her family where she used his last name and told everyone that she was the OM's wife? She has introduced the OM to her family, and has brought the OM around her family so much that her family likes the OM over you, and they "all want" your wife and the OM to be together instead of her staying married to you? Are you kidding me? This is more than just an affair, it is a courtship. You hide an affair from your family, whereas in a courtship you seek there approval. She is moving on. At this rate she will announce that she has filed for divorce from you at the engagement party that her family has thrown for her and the OM. The amount of disrespect that you are being shown by her, the OM, and her family is beyond belief. Edited December 13, 2013 by Try

[bubbaganoosh]

Just hire an attorney and divorce her. She's a proven liar and a cheat and show no loyalty or respect to you. She's along for the ride.

 

If it was me, I would tell her to move out and go be with the OM since she already posted on FB that they were married.

 

If she fights you on it then fight back and have no mercy because she hasn't shown any towards you.

[atreides]

 

...She had signed up with this guy UNDER his last name as a married couple and they both partook and ran this event together....

 

...I guess this guy has gotten buddy buddy with her family and they all want them together...

 

...So now I'm going to Vegas for business in January and my wife decides to book a plane ticket...

 

...I mean there's no way I can take her back....

 

 

 

Wow! Despite while having your heart torn out and dragged on the pavement, you for the most part appear to be grasping control and heading in the right direction.

 

I agree with, as much as it may hurt you now, with the last quoted phrase. The things this woman has done is mind boggling.

[jm2013]

Thanks for the replies everybody! So last night I broke my own rule. My wife tells me she wants to talk after work. So I go over there we put the kiddo to sleep and have a couple drinks.

 

She kept saying she wanted to make this "proposal" to me. Her proposal was to give her 3 months to prove herself lol..Then she told me all about how earlier in the day she went to her sisters to bake cookies and got in an argument with her sister.

 

Allegedly my wife told her sister what she did was wrong yada yada yada and her sister said it wasn't wrong and that it was ok to talk to this guy. Saying it was MY fault to have driven her to this dude.

 

Her sister is a 33 year old moron. According to her logic I should be able to go pick her husband up and put him in tempting situations to cheat on his wife. Then when he does go back to her and say - Hey, he was obviously missing something from your marriage so this IS OK. Thanks goodbye!

 

This whole family is one big whack job. I kind of picked up on how they were years ago but turned a blind eye to it. I've listened to my father in law bad talk his other son in law saying ridiculous things about him. So ridiculous I wondered how he could be so two faced. He talks so bad about the guy then when he comes over everything is normal. So weird. No wonder my wife is jacked mentally if she has learned over the years that is acceptable.

 

So getting back on track I went to take a shower before bed last night and low and behold she sneaks in there with me. I wasn't the captain of my ship last night guys. I broke and had sex with her like a moron. Afterwards I told her that did not in any way change our circumstances or situation. I'm a guy ok. If I've got my naked wife in the shower there's just too much temptation.

 

With that being said, I had my stuff all packed up this morning. My dirty work clothes I was going to bring over my mom's house. I get out of the shower and she took all my clothes out and threw them in the washer. She keeps taking my stuff and tossing them in knowing I've gotta come back. At least it is the weekend now. I just have to get out of the damn house already.

[harrybrown]

How do you know that she has gone NC with the OM?

 

Do they still work together?

 

File for divorce and have her go live with her parents, until the divorce is final.

 

She has probably taken the affair underground.

[jm2013]

How do you know that she has gone NC with the OM?

 

Do they still work together?

 

File for divorce and have her go live with her parents, until the divorce is final.

 

She has probably taken the affair underground.

 

Well, I'm not 100%. Nothing surprises me anymore. My wife started looking for another job almost right away after that day. She went to her knew job THEN I found out.

 

I feel bad for my daughter. I'm trying to do everything in my power to make this as easy as possible for her sake. I don't even know what to do with the house. It's going to have to be sold unless she moves somebody in there or has her parents to help her financially.

 

My guess is my wife is more concerned about what she'll be losing because of all this. Our house, her new car and all the things we built as a family all destructed over this bs.

[Clay]

I am sorry you are in this position but you did not put yourself in it. She did and you are going to have to stand tall and do the right thing even if it breaks your heart. I had to do it as well. This is something you don't realize but this will set the tone for how your child deals with issues in the future. She will grow up and come to you and ask you for advice. I can tell you I know this will be in one of those questions. My kids bring it up once in a while even after I did tell them.

 

Your wife cheated on you over and over again even when you tried to fix things she still hid it and lied to you. Your never going to be able to trust this woman again. I am sure the thought of loosing everything is scaring the hell out of her. She should have thought about that before banging the OM.

 

I kicked my wife and and kept everything. She got some of her clothes but everything else went in the trash. I even kept the kids. I was not going to have them be raised by a whore. I have morals and as long as I am still alive my kids will as well.

 

I am truly sorry once again you are going through this. My DDay was 5 days before Christmas in 2007. I filed for divorce and it was final Jan 2007 21st.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

I am sorry you are in this position but you did not put yourself in it. She did and you are going to have to stand tall and do the right thing even if it breaks your heart. I had to do it as well. This is something you don't realize but this will set the tone for how your child deals with issues in the future. She will grow up and come to you and ask you for advice. I can tell you I know this will be in one of those questions. My kids bring it up once in a while even after I did tell them.

 

Your wife cheated on you over and over again even when you tried to fix things she still hid it and lied to you. Your never going to be able to trust this woman again. I am sure the thought of loosing everything is scaring the hell out of her. She should have thought about that before banging the OM.

 

I kicked my wife and and kept everything. She got some of her clothes but everything else went in the trash. I even kept the kids. I was not going to have them be raised by a whore. I have morals and as long as I am still alive my kids will as well.

 

I am truly sorry once again you are going through this. My DDay was 5 days before Christmas in 2007. I filed for divorce and it was final Jan 2007 21st.

 

Clay

 

Thanks man. Do you have primary custody of your kids now? This stinks because she feels entitled to the house, our daughter and everything she had. While I sit here and walk away like it's all my fault. It's like I'm degrading my life over her lousy decisions.

 

Probably why it's taking me so long to go to my lawyer to get papers. My wife told me no matter what though she's not signing anything and we'll be together forever. I am not sure why she keeps saying this over and over again.

 

I don't question my wife's love for me. I just don't understand why she'd continue to make horrible decisions in her life. Between her jacked up family and her lousy decisions it is a recipe for disaster.

 

Also, I don't even know what to do about our debt. It's like we're sitting in this limbo. My lawyer wants $2500 and we've got a few k in credit card debt. Not to mention my wife keeps spending money. This sucks. I feel completely lost on the financial side of things. I don't want to do anything rash that will jeopardize my credit. I've got excellent credit right now and I'd like to keep it that way.

[turnera]

Tell her that her IC sessions should have been started yesterday, and you will be attending the first one to set the record straight. Even if you don't R, it might do her good in terms of raising your daughter.

[Clay]

I do have custody of my kids. It has been six years. She is feeling the way she is do to your not sending clear messages to her. I used a lawyer as well and half way though it I found my lawyer was long time friends with my xW's mom. She sent me a final draft and I threw it out and rewrote most of it myself. I basically drew a line in the sand. I did no contact except when dealing with the kids. My xW did not have a job so her position to fight was diminished greatly.

 

 

You are going to have to start separating things and draw clear lines for her. She screwed your marriage over. This is not your fault. You did not do this in any way and anything anyone else says is wrong. Now protect you so you can move on in a healthy fashion and be able to love and care for your child.

 

If she wants to keep the house tell her you want her to buy you out of her stake in it if not she can either move out and give it to you or sell it. One way or another your not coming home. Tell her she don't ever have to sign the papers there are laws in place for people that do this stuff. Sure it takes longer but be clear your not going to be with her in any way shape or form.

 

Cancel all credit cards with your name on it. If you have to open a new one and transfer the balance to your name. I know that sucks but it takes away her ruining your credit. Move all money you bring in to another account only in your name.

 

Don't allow yourself to be near her to much. I mean this seriously. You will be at fault for sending mixed signals and you will make it worse for you and your daughter.

 

Offer your wife Joint Custody. If you don't feel you can get your daughter then agree to her having primary residence with her mother but its open for the daughter to later choose. Most courts do feel this is reasonable and it will be passed through quickly.

 

Agree to child support see what the state offers you. You can call Child support enforcement and tell them both your incomes they will give you and Idea of what you can expect to pay.

 

None of this will be easy. My xW moved right in with the other man but she would not stop contacting me. I changed my number and refused any communications through the kids. I forced her to only talk via snail mail for six months. It took her that long to stop talking about our marriage and how it was all my fault.

 

Clay

[Clay]

I should have reread that before I sent it. I am sorry about some of the sentence errors.

 

Clay

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

So getting back on track I went to take a shower before bed last night and low and behold she sneaks in there with me. I wasn't the captain of my ship last night guys. I broke and had sex with her like a moron. Afterwards I told her that did not in any way change our circumstances or situation. I'm a guy ok. If I've got my naked wife in the shower there's just too much temptation.

 

Actually you handled that very well. What she did is called "Hoovering." It's where she tries to use sex to suck you in and soften you up and get you to stay and provide for her. It's using her primary source of power and control (her sexuality) to control you and get you to abide by her wishes ( which in her case her wishes are clearly to have you foot her bills and take care of your daughter while she bangs this OM)

 

By taking the sex but still planning on leaving her anyway, you have defanged the snake and neutralized her power and her most effective weapon.

 

NOW THE WARNING - she is going to try her best to get pregnant. That is the female "Nuclear Option" to getting on a man's payroll and keeping him in the house.

 

Do not be delivering inside her. If she is offer sex either put on a condom (tell her you are worried about STDs from the OM) and flush the condom so she can't dig it out of the trash. Or only finish from BJs or something and make sure she doesn't spit it in a turkey baister or something.

 

You can bet the farm she is going to try to get pregnant and she is going to grab your ass and lock her legs around you so you can't pull out.

 

Captain your ship by taking command of your sperm.

[CarrieT]

She kept saying she wanted to make this "proposal" to me. Her proposal was to give her 3 months to prove herself lol..

There is something very important you need to explain to her regarding this. A proposed timeline on reconciliation can NEVER be dictated by her.

 

Who is she to say that three months from now, you will be able to live with her and want to be with her?

 

IF you want to reconcile and remain married, your healing process might take six months, nine months, 12 months, or three years. She cannot dictate the timeframe it will require to repair the damage.

 

Then again, you might decide you want to divorce and that - as well - is on your timeline as well.

[jm2013]

I should have reread that before I sent it. I am sorry about some of the sentence errors.

 

Clay

 

No problem thanks for posting that. Sounds like some sound advice. I think the only other scary part of all this for me financially is knowing how wrecked I'm going to be for awhile. Having two child support orders with spousal support sounds like there's going to be next to nothing for me to live on. It's like I'll be showing up to work for everybody else but me lol.. I did cancel joint credit lines thank God. Though my lawyer I believe said any incurred debt in the marriage is still 50/50 regardless of who's name the credit cards are in. If she makes this hard to move this process forward I think it's going to cost even more money. It was only going to cost $2500 for a dissolution. If it moves to divorce to let the court figure things out I've got a feelings that figure will be 3x more.

[oldshirt]

Another important point that no-one has mentioned that she is the one that is cheating and lying and manipulating. She is the on breaking the marital vows and engaging in the risky and bad behavior.

 

Why in the hell are you packing YOUR bags to leave. If you are going to be packing anything it should be HER stuff.

 

She cheats, she leaves, it's that simple. She needs to take some accountability here. She needs to pay some dues. If she's the one getting the fun and frivolity of screwing other people the she can be the one picking her stuff up out of the driveway and finding an apt.

[cozycottagelg]

Actually you handled that very well. What she did is called "Hoovering." It's where she tries to use sex to suck you in and soften you up and get you to stay and provide for her. It's using her primary source of power and control (her sexuality) to control you and get you to abide by her wishes ( which in her case her wishes are clearly to have you foot her bills and take care of your daughter while she bangs this OM)

 

By taking the sex but still planning on leaving her anyway, you have defanged the snake and neutralized her power and her most effective weapon.

 

NOW THE WARNING - she is going to try her best to get pregnant. That is the female "Nuclear Option" to getting on a man's payroll and keeping him in the house.

 

Do not be delivering inside her. If she is offer sex either put on a condom (tell her you are worried about STDs from the OM) and flush the condom so she can't dig it out of the trash. Or only finish from BJs or something and make sure she doesn't spit it in a turkey baister or something.

 

You can bet the farm she is going to try to get pregnant and she is going to grab your ass and lock her legs around you so you can't pull out.

 

Captain your ship by taking command of your sperm.

 

Jeepers, what kind of women have you been around? This is insanity.

[jm2013]

Actually you handled that very well. What she did is called "Hoovering." It's where she tries to use sex to suck you in and soften you up and get you to stay and provide for her. It's using her primary source of power and control (her sexuality) to control you and get you to abide by her wishes ( which in her case her wishes are clearly to have you foot her bills and take care of your daughter while she bangs this OM)

 

By taking the sex but still planning on leaving her anyway, you have defanged the snake and neutralized her power and her most effective weapon.

 

NOW THE WARNING - she is going to try her best to get pregnant. That is the female "Nuclear Option" to getting on a man's payroll and keeping him in the house.

 

Do not be delivering inside her. If she is offer sex either put on a condom (tell her you are worried about STDs from the OM) and flush the condom so she can't dig it out of the trash. Or only finish from BJs or something and make sure she doesn't spit it in a turkey baister or something.

 

You can bet the farm she is going to try to get pregnant and she is going to grab your ass and lock her legs around you so you can't pull out.

 

Captain your ship by taking command of your sperm.

 

You've got some valid points. We still don't wear condoms but what you've said DID cross my mind. I've even told her that. So every night she takes her pill in front of me. And since she had sex with me after she had sex with the other guy I was already screwed. I made her get STD tested though and she showed me the papers. All clean thank God.

 

I made sure I did the flawless yankus interruptis and got it all down the drain. But you're absolutely right. I feel like I'm playing with fire here. If she got pregnant that would buy her some time. Cause then I'd have to rethink my options and probably stay there.

 

There is something very important you need to explain to her regarding this. A proposed timeline on reconciliation can NEVER be dictated by her.

 

Who is she to say that three months from now, you will be able to live with her and want to be with her?

 

IF you want to reconcile and remain married, your healing process might take six months, nine months, 12 months, or three years. She cannot dictate the timeframe it will require to repair the damage.

 

Then again, you might decide you want to divorce and that - as well - is on your timeline as well.

 

I thought about that too. Why in the world she's giving me a timeline. I think she meant to give her at least 3 months so SHE can prove her love to me. She doesn't want me to leave the house. I think she's starting to feel threatened that when I leave our marital survival will be diminished by that much more. IF she's being truthful and honest I kinda do feel bad for her. Her family has basically disowned her cause she said she wants to still be with me. I guess they told her either me or them and drew a line in the sand.

 

So it must feel like to her she's got nowhere to go. Though I would bet if they knew I left they'd take her back in an instant.