Almost 7 Years of Marriage in Turmoil After Wife's Affair

[Clay]

Your right its going to be expensive. There really is no doubt in this but its no different than if someone was hurt. You would have to pay those medical bills. There are things you can do to start minimizing the cost. Talk to your lawyer about this. A lot of them will give you very sound advice. You can also go down to the law library and look up other peoples divorce cases. I did this. It helped greatly. You can file most of the paper work yourself and drop a serious amount of the cost for the lawyer.

 

Clay

[oldshirt]

.... also be aware that some courts view the person leaving the marital home as the one who abandoned the home, married and children and award custody and the house accordingly even if the other party was a cheater.

 

Make sure she's the one that's packing bags and moving out.

 

Then hire a PI to watch her house for a night because I'd bet my last dollar the the OM will be warming her bed there in no time.

 

Better to have him in her bed in her house than in YOUR bed and YOUR house while you are in an apt.

[oldshirt]

I made her get STD tested though and she showed me the papers.

 

Yeah but that was then and with her there's no reason to believe that she's not still doing him or even someone else since that test.

 

Or at least that's what you tell her if she asks while you are putting on a condom.

[oldshirt]

Jeepers, what kind of women have you been around? This is insanity.

 

Insanity is probably a pretty fair word to use. Some women do go to near insane lengths to keep their gravy train.

 

All of the things I mentioned have been done.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I thought about that too. Why in the world she's giving me a timeline. .

 

There is something kinda fishy about insisting on a specific 3 month deadline.

 

Any chance the 3 month timeline has something to do with the OM? Will his divorce be final in 3 months? Does he get job promotion/transfer or something then? Does he close on a house or have his current lease run out then? Could he has given her some kind of deadline where she needs to cover tracks or Mark time for 3 months before something happens with him?

[jm2013]

There is something kinda fishy about insisting on a specific 3 month deadline.

 

Any chance the 3 month timeline has something to do with the OM? Will his divorce be final in 3 months? Does he get job promotion/transfer or something then? Does he close on a house or have his current lease run out then? Could he has given her some kind of deadline where she needs to cover tracks or Mark time for 3 months before something happens with him?

 

Good question. I'm not sure why specifically three months. I am pretty sure he's going through a divorce so you might be right. I've constantly asked her these questions but of course who knows if she's lying to me. She constantly says if she really wanted to be with the guy she could make it happen rather quickly but her love is for me and me only. I hate all the mind games. If I did eventually find out what she has been saying was 100% lies to set herself up to ultimately be with him I'd be shocked but not surprised I suppose. Anything to me is possible at this point.

 

She just got the new job so there really isn't anything in that. I really wish I could prove that her and OM are still in communication but she's covering her tracks better. The only thing I could think of is some sort of communication via chat from work. Or using work emails or even some sort of prepaid phone. But oh well, not sure why I'm still sitting here worried about it. I just need to get what I need to done.

[jm2013]

Your right its going to be expensive. There really is no doubt in this but its no different than if someone was hurt. You would have to pay those medical bills. There are things you can do to start minimizing the cost. Talk to your lawyer about this. A lot of them will give you very sound advice. You can also go down to the law library and look up other peoples divorce cases. I did this. It helped greatly. You can file most of the paper work yourself and drop a serious amount of the cost for the lawyer.

 

Clay

 

This is some good advice. I'll probably start researching some things I can do to decrease the expense.

 

.... also be aware that some courts view the person leaving the marital home as the one who abandoned the home, married and children and award custody and the house accordingly even if the other party was a cheater.

 

Make sure she's the one that's packing bags and moving out.

 

Then hire a PI to watch her house for a night because I'd bet my last dollar the the OM will be warming her bed there in no time.

 

Better to have him in her bed in her house than in YOUR bed and YOUR house while you are in an apt.

 

Yeah, this is exactly how I felt. I moved all my junk back into the house. With that being said, I'm finding it difficult to move forward. Maybe I need to become a jerk and get her really pissed off. I don't know. I also don't want to end up on the ID channel when she decides to knife me in the kitchen if it goes down that road.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but she was trying to tell you that it was a one off kind of thing that happened in her office and didn't even finish. Yet, you see email with this guy thanking her for the other night? No one writes a thank you for an unfulfilled sexual experience. She unblocks him on facebook. She then goes away on an event listed as HIS wife? Yeah, I'm sure NOTHING happened there either. Sorry dude. That's one too many times to be a lapse in judgment or a mistake.

 

The reason for all the sex that you had was something called hysterical bonding. It's a primal and subconscious, animalistic response to "reclaim" what you believe is yours. Nothing more than that. So, don't beat yourself up over that. It's a real thing and it does happen to a lot of folks in your position.

[Clay]

I agree with Chi.

 

It is now time to protect yourself and distance yourself. Set healthy boundaries and don't get caught up in her lies.

 

The sooner you start this the sooner you start to really heal from all the pain.

 

When my divorce was final I felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. I have heard of people saying its like a weight being lifted off there shoulders. I think that statement was mild in my case. It was so nice I thought I was going to go out in the street and dance. Its not to say I still was not hurt especially since she moved right in with the OM. Its to say I was free from her hurting me anymore. I was free to live for me again.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Sorry dude, but she was trying to tell you that it was a one off kind of thing that happened in her office and didn't even finish. Yet, you see email with this guy thanking her for the other night? No one writes a thank you for an unfulfilled sexual experience. She unblocks him on facebook. She then goes away on an event listed as HIS wife? Yeah, I'm sure NOTHING happened there either. Sorry dude. That's one too many times to be a lapse in judgment or a mistake.

 

The reason for all the sex that you had was something called hysterical bonding. It's a primal and subconscious, animalistic response to "reclaim" what you believe is yours. Nothing more than that. So, don't beat yourself up over that. It's a real thing and it does happen to a lot of folks in your position.

 

No, I found a voice message that was deleted on her phone that dated back over a year. He called her honey and said he had a great night that night. Supposedly they only had sex once and didn't finish through cause she supposedly knew what she was doing was horribly wrong.

 

Then I find out they ran together. Then she showed me one night how she blocked him on Facebook. So the one evening last Friday I checked out her phone and noticed she removed him from the block list. I asked her that night if he was blocked and she said yes he still was. Then in the morning she proceeds to show me her phone and say SEE he's still blocked. When I know for a FACT he was not blocked earlier. I told her I knew she was lying then finally confessed.

 

She had a recent death in her family and her parents told her he reached out to them and said sorry for their loss and wanted to extend it to my wife. So my father in law supposedly asked my wife to kindly remove him from the block list in case he wants to send a message to her giving his condolences.

 

I was like who in the hell does that? It is so bizarre. I mean that story into itself is so not believable. The real reason is she probably took him off the block list to stay in communication with him. I checked the chat and did not see anything. I think you can still chat to people who are not your friends. She probably just deletes the messages each day from the chat history. She is sly like that. She tries to cover her tracks hard but fumbles here and there. The more I think about all these things she's done I just get even more angry.

 

It's like she thinks I'm incredibly stupid. I guess you can call me stupid for still sticking around. I'm not sure what I'm doing, expecting or whatever. I can wait for this hellish year to just end already. Karma sucks. One day this will all come back and bite here in the you know what. Her and her entire family.

[Chi townD]

No, I found a voice message that was deleted on her phone that dated back over a year. He called her honey and said he had a great night that night. Supposedly they only had sex once and didn't finish through cause she supposedly knew what she was doing was horribly wrong.

 

 

Please tell me you don't believe a word of that. I mean, a year ago he was calling her "honey". I don't call any of my friends at work "honey". Therefore, you have to assume that this has been going on for quite some time.

[RightThere]

So my father in law supposedly asked my wife to kindly remove him from the block list in case he wants to send a message to her giving his condolences.

 

That is a straight up lie.

 

Whenever you need to ask yourself "This doesn't make sense" it's because it doesn't make sense. Believe yourself and what is going on around you. She's delaying with a timeline because she needs to get some of her things in order. She wasn't ready for you to be driving the divorce.

[jm2013]

Please tell me you don't believe a word of that. I mean, a year ago he was calling her "honey". I don't call any of my friends at work "honey". Therefore, you have to assume that this has been going on for quite some time.

 

Believe me, I think this has been going on for awhile. The way he said it in the voicemail was like boyfriend and girlfriend. I heard that and probably replayed it like 5 times. I was disgusted, angry and couldn't believe it. She then tells me that the guy fell for her really hard and she thought she was controlling the situation by telling him they could only be friends.

 

And she went on to say he just showed up at the place her and her girlfriend wen to. I do not believe this at all. IT was obviously planned. It's like I don't want to believe it but it is real as real can be.

[Clay]

So you did leave the house today? Can you go get the rest of your things when she is not there? How old is your daughter? Can she come with you?

 

Clay

[jm2013]

So you did leave the house today? Can you go get the rest of your things when she is not there? How old is your daughter? Can she come with you?

 

Clay

 

I've only got some clothes left there. Granted I want one of the tvs. I could probably go in there sometime this weekend to collect those items. My daughter is 4 years old. Not really sure what to do there. My wife would probably call the cops as weird as that sounds.

[Chi townD]

See a lawyer and get the ball rolling. He/she can get the paperwork started and draw up separation papers that indicate visitation. Therefore, she can't call the cops on you for taking your daughter on assigned days that was signed off by a judge.

[Clay]

Well honestly there is not much she can do. Your married this does not give her full rights to your child.

 

Do you feel your child will be harmed in anyway if she stays alone with her mom? Do you fear the OM might bring some harm to the child ?

 

Clay

[jm2013]

Well honestly there is not much she can do. Your married this does not give her full rights to your child.

 

Do you feel your child will be harmed in anyway if she stays alone with her mom? Do you fear the OM might bring some harm to the child ?

 

Clay

 

I don't feel that at all. She's always been a good mother to our daughter. So I can't say I think my daughter would ever be harmed by her. If the OM brought any type of harm to my daughter I would flip out.

[jm2013]

I totally forgot to include this as to what she did last night. I was almost in tears. She popped in our wedding video and the video I made of my daughter's birth. I seriously almost had to walk out. I'm not sure why she did that. I told her that was stupid of her to do show me the wedding video and our honeymoon video. I mean I don't feel comfortable after knowing my wife cheated on me. The memories we made in those videos feel like they've become void. Except my daughter's video of course. I'll keep that one and show it to he when she's older. I think she'll enjoy that.

[RightThere]

I don't feel that at all. She's always been a good mother to our daughter. So I can't say I think my daughter would ever be harmed by her. If the OM brought any type of harm to my daughter I would flip out.

 

I'm going through a similar situation with a 4 year old daughter.

 

Make sure you both are positive around her, including when you speak about each other. Although she's young, mom and dad splitting up will impact her significantly. My STBXW is a piece of garbage but we are both very focused on everything that is right by our daughter. Lots of quality time with both mom and dad.

 

She'll need lots of love and reassurances that you love her. You can't say it enough to her right now.

[Clay]

We if you feel your daughter will be ok with her just go over and get the things you want out of the house while she is gone and start a separation agreement with her. Give yourself the weekend to write it up. I would have no contact with her during this time. Monday morning go over and drop it off where she will find it or in the mail box. Once again not putting yourself in the position to be around her.

 

Part of staying away from her is for her to really get the hint that what she did was wrong. Don't let her call you and cry on your shoulder either. If you don't stand strong during this time it will be all that easier to cheat on you the next time and she wont feel any remorse then.

 

Clay

[Try]

I checked the chat and did not see anything. I think you can still chat to people who are not your friends. She probably just deletes the messages each day from the chat history.

She does not need a chat app to chat. Cheaters often use the chat feature of other apps, such as "Word With Friends", to communicate with their affair partners, because this text history is not tracked by the phone carrier. From a cheaters perspective, the beauty of it is that they can be glued to their phone supposedly innocently playing a game, when in fact they are secretly texting like mad to their lovers.

 

It's like she thinks I'm incredibly stupid.

She does not think that you are stupid. She lies to you, because according to cheaters logic, unless she admits to lying to you, you cannot hold her accountable for her actions. Never mind that she knows that you know that she is lying. Never mind what common sense and logic tells you. According to cheaters logic you must beleive their every ridiculous lie unless you have irrefutable proof to the contrary. For some reason no matter how much they have been proven that they cannot be trusted, they have the expectation they are to be the sole decider of truth.

[devilish innocent]

She's trying to manipulate you into staying. She's hoping that good sex and reminders of your good times together will cause you to want to stick around. It just goes to show that she's more interested in the outcome-keeping you there-then in being a better person. If she really wanted to change herself, she would have been honest with you rather than using manipulative techniques.

[RightThere]

Agree with the above posts. Sex is a tool women use against me. If we have sex, we believe "things must be OK now" and women know this. They will have totally meaningless sex just to avoid dealing with the real issue with their husbands.

 

Took me a long time to figure that one out with my STBXW.

[jm2013]

I feel ashamed to be saying this right now but I did it again! I don't know what's wrong with me! So I'm at the house last night she wanted to talk. I drink almost a 6 of xmas ales and she throws herself at me. I break and didn't practice anything safe. Even know my wife has been on the pill for years I had to make sure she took them in front of me. I had her take 2 pills for the amount of sex we had last night. I don't know why this is so hard for me to break. I hate living day to day like this. Thanks for all the responses.

 

Forgot to say. Last night I wasn't going to come home but she had my daughter call me begging me to come home and hang out and put her to bed. When my little girl got on the phone it's easy for me to break and just go over there. I know it is something I've got to learn to deal with. It's hard to say the least.