Almost 7 Years of Marriage in Turmoil After Wife's Affair

[jm2013]

She does not need a chat app to chat. Cheaters often use the chat feature of other apps, such as "Word With Friends", to communicate with their affair partners, because this text history is not tracked by the phone carrier. From a cheaters perspective, the beauty of it is that they can be glued to their phone supposedly innocently playing a game, when in fact they are secretly texting like mad to their lovers.

 

She does not think that you are stupid. She lies to you, because according to cheaters logic, unless she admits to lying to you, you cannot hold her accountable for her actions. Never mind that she knows that you know that she is lying. Never mind what common sense and logic tells you. According to cheaters logic you must beleive their every ridiculous lie unless you have irrefutable proof to the contrary. For some reason no matter how much they have been proven that they cannot be trusted, they have the expectation they are to be the sole decider of truth.

 

 

She gives me open access to her phone. I'll have to look for those apps. Not sure why I even care anymore. All she's been telling me lately is she loves me so much and she's not giving up. And she has found God and he's giving her teh strength to fight for our marriage. She also keeps saying she's going to fight to her death for us. Not sure how to interpret that. Sounds kinda loony if you ask me. I do not know waht she means by that.

[Clay]

I really know its hard but you are setting you and your daughters life up for failure. Your daughter will suffer more in the long run with the things you do know. My kids are in counseling. It is my fault I let my wife walk over the top of me and cheat on me again and again. Your wife does not love you she just wants her cake and wants to eat it to. If you think for a moment she wont be having sex with this other guy again your fooling yourself. Even if it is not this other guy it will be with someone else. You wife is broken and you can not fix her. People that change do this because they have chose to change not because there spouse is leaving them.

 

 

They are scared to be alone. So really you just second place in her life. If you keep sleeping with her you need to get used to that. You can lead a life like that if that is what you want but I can tell you it sucks. I was that person and she did tell me no your the only one I want.

 

 

She lied.

 

Clay

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I don't know what's wrong with me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I drink almost a 6 of xmas ales and she throws herself at me.

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

You answer your own question. Stop drinking!!!

 

 

You need to keep a clear head and do what's right. If you do dumb stuff when you drink, then don't drink!!

[oldshirt]

and it's ok to have sex with her as long as you protect yourself, don't knock her up and continue to do what's right.

 

 

She's using sex to try to soften you up and make you love her and to continue to provide for her.

 

 

If you can bang her without knocking her up, without going soft and letting her manipulate you and without falling for her lies and BS and you continue to do what is in your best interests, then some poontang isn't hurting anything.

 

 

But if its making you capitulate and making you vulnerable to her lies and her manipulations and making you cave in to her wishes and compromising yourself, then you have a big problem and are losing.

 

 

alcohol definitely seems to be playing a role here. Stop it!

[road]

Sorry dude, but she was trying to tell you that it was a one off kind of thing that happened in her office and didn't even finish. Yet, you see email with this guy thanking her for the other night? No one writes a thank you for an unfulfilled sexual experience. She unblocks him on facebook. She then goes away on an event listed as HIS wife? Yeah, I'm sure NOTHING happened there either. Sorry dude. That's one too many times to be a lapse in judgment or a mistake.

 

 

The truth

[peruano99]

I do have custody of my kids. It has been six years. She is feeling the way she is do to your not sending clear messages to her. I used a lawyer as well and half way though it I found my lawyer was long time friends with my xW's mom. She sent me a final draft and I threw it out and rewrote most of it myself. I basically drew a line in the sand. I did no contact except when dealing with the kids. My xW did not have a job so her position to fight was diminished greatly.

 

 

You are going to have to start separating things and draw clear lines for her. She screwed your marriage over. This is not your fault. You did not do this in any way and anything anyone else says is wrong. Now protect you so you can move on in a healthy fashion and be able to love and care for your child.

 

If she wants to keep the house tell her you want her to buy you out of her stake in it if not she can either move out and give it to you or sell it. One way or another your not coming home. Tell her she don't ever have to sign the papers there are laws in place for people that do this stuff. Sure it takes longer but be clear your not going to be with her in any way shape or form.

 

Cancel all credit cards with your name on it. If you have to open a new one and transfer the balance to your name. I know that sucks but it takes away her ruining your credit. Move all money you bring in to another account only in your name.

 

Don't allow yourself to be near her to much. I mean this seriously. You will be at fault for sending mixed signals and you will make it worse for you and your daughter.

 

Offer your wife Joint Custody. If you don't feel you can get your daughter then agree to her having primary residence with her mother but its open for the daughter to later choose. Most courts do feel this is reasonable and it will be passed through quickly.

 

Agree to child support see what the state offers you. You can call Child support enforcement and tell them both your incomes they will give you and Idea of what you can expect to pay.

 

None of this will be easy. My xW moved right in with the other man but she would not stop contacting me. I changed my number and refused any communications through the kids. I forced her to only talk via snail mail for six months. It took her that long to stop talking about our marriage and how it was all my fault.

 

Clay

 

So she only contacted you to say how it was your fault she cheated? wow.

[peruano99]

I feel ashamed to be saying this right now but I did it again! I don't know what's wrong with me! So I'm at the house last night she wanted to talk. I drink almost a 6 of xmas ales and she throws herself at me. I break and didn't practice anything safe. Even know my wife has been on the pill for years I had to make sure she took them in front of me. I had her take 2 pills for the amount of sex we had last night. I don't know why this is so hard for me to break. I hate living day to day like this. Thanks for all the responses.

 

Forgot to say. Last night I wasn't going to come home but she had my daughter call me begging me to come home and hang out and put her to bed. When my little girl got on the phone it's easy for me to break and just go over there. I know it is something I've got to learn to deal with. It's hard to say the least.

 

I suggest you to tell your wife to move out of the house. Who knows how many more times you will have sex with her. Talk to your lawyer and get this divorce started RIGHT AWAY.

[Sand Man Dan]

Listen (read) carefully.

 

Women and men, who TRULY respect and love (must be both) their partners do not cheat. Period.

 

Your wife either doesn't respect you, doesn't love you, or both. File.

[sidney2718]

This thread upsets me too. I don't understand anything that you are doing. The bit about hosting an affair with the OM and having her listed as his wife would have totally broken it for me. That's WORSE than having an affair. That's pushing you face down in the mud.

 

You have two choices. One is to file for divorce and get it taken care of as quickly as possible. This will cost you a lot of pain over a short period of time.

 

The other is to drag out what is going on. In some cases it can be dragged out for years. And then and only then will you be divorced. That will cost you a lot of pain over a long period of time.

 

More: quit drinking. You clearly have a problem. And stop worrying about the effect of all this on your daughter. She will be hurt no matter what happens, and you can put that all on your wife.

 

Nothing I've read so far indicates that she's really ready to reconcile. What she wants is for you to forgive her and never mention it again -- all the while hoping that you never catch her again.

[jm2013]

Thanks everybody. You are all so very right. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's been a few months and caught her in the lies and continue to be putting myself in unwanted situations just letting her get her way and walk all over me. IF anything it's showing her what she did was ok and validate to herself that she can do whatever it is she wants and have no consequences. I'm creating even a bigger monster.

 

As of right now she's tried reaching out to a friend and my family. She's scheduling appointments to meet them out for a drink or coffee to discuss our problems with them. The only thing I can think of to why she's doing this is to gain their sympathy so she can win them over and they'll come back to me saying she was authentic and maybe she does deserve a second chance.

 

I need to just put my foot down already. I still don't know why I'm continuing to let this happen. I guess the weird part of it all is having the woman who you put 100% trust into who stood at the alter of God, did all this junk to you and still looks you in the face professing how much she loves you, wants you back and confesses she made the ultimate mistake she would never consider doing again.

 

Granted I take what she says with a grain of salt anymore but it is still hard to sit back and listen. I think I'll wait until after Christmas and get off to a fresh new 2014. In the beginning of 2014 I'll go to my lawyer with his 50% deposit and just get what I need to get done already. I really hope she doesn't drag this out for our kid's sake. Thanks for the support everybody. It's great to read all of the suggestions, advice and stories of what you all have been through. It helps knowing you're not the only poor sap out there who's world just crumbled at the blink of an eye.

[turnera]

You could tell her that if she signs a postnup you'll consider it, one that says if she gets caught again she gives up custody of the kids and any monetary gain.

[oldshirt]

You could tell her that if she signs a postnup you'll consider it, one that says if she gets caught again she gives up custody of the kids and any monetary gain.

 

That may sound like a good concept but I don't know how enforceable they are. The courts don't really give a crap who screwed who or who is a cheater or who is a lier. All the court cares about is that the kids are provided for and the marital property is divided up according to the law.

 

The court likely couldn't care less if she blew some other dude or not. They are just going to ensure that the divorce laws are followed.

[oldshirt]

 

As of right now she's tried reaching out to a friend and my family. She's scheduling appointments to meet them out for a drink or coffee to discuss our problems with them. The only thing I can think of to why she's doing this is to gain their sympathy so she can win them over and they'll come back to me saying she was authentic and maybe she does deserve a second chance..

.

 

You are correct. She is just trying to get people to support her.

[jm2013]

I live in a state where the postnup is not valid. I just researched it a little. My wife sends me a text this morning that she's concerned about my mom and wants to do all of this stuff. It is starting to get annoying to me. I am not sure why she's doing this but she's definitely going way out of her way to show how much of a "nice" person she is.

 

It's like I found a way to marry the most deceptive person on this earth. She should have been an actor cause she's pretty good at it and I have to constantly remind myself what my wife has done to me for my own validation to move on. She literally will barely let me do thinks by myself anymore. Granted I know IF we were to stick together this wouldn't last and things would degrade over time once again just like how most relationships go after everything wears off a little.

 

But to think somebody could do this just amazes me. My wife only has remorse when she gets caught. She didn't have it in her to tell me her co worker was calling her, leaving her messages like she was his girlfriend. Calling my wife honey and hanging out with the guy that led to an eventual physical affair "one" time the was allegedly "stopped" shortly after it started.

 

As much as I would like to stick around my house I think I just need to get out of there. Tonight is my daughter's field trip we are supposed to go on as a family. Then tomorrow night is my wife's meeting at a local church. She attends every Tuesday night in hopes to become a Catholic.

 

She started hiding my clothes in the house too. Not sure why she's doing that either. She hid some of my work clothes from me and I'm not sure why. I've been finding work clothes missing as well as tshirts, socks and my underwear.

[Clay]

My xW did a lot of the same things. It is really up to you if you want to be with her or not. The one thing is for sure if you stay you had better get used to sharing her. The reason I say this is just based on what you said. She never felt guilty screwing the OM and lieing to you. You really only know about this one guy at this point. Its not like she came to you before and gave you the truth. You had to dig it out of her. Like it or not your marriage is over with. Even if you stay with her she will never be the person you married.

 

You are right you being with her and continuing to sleep with her is telling her its ok what she did. You sleeping with her also is telling her you don't find her disgusting at all. You are perfectly ok that she had sex with this OM.

 

You don't have to say anything really. Its your actions. Just like it was her actions that showed you what kind of a woman she was.

 

Your not the only person that has done this. Lots of people on this site and in the world have allowed there mate to cheat on them and they take them back. I did it for 10 years and my xW just continued to cheat on me over and over.

 

I learned my lesson. Some day you will learn too.

 

Clay

[jm2013]

This thread upsets me too. I don't understand anything that you are doing. The bit about hosting an affair with the OM and having her listed as his wife would have totally broken it for me. That's WORSE than having an affair. That's pushing you face down in the mud.

 

You have two choices. One is to file for divorce and get it taken care of as quickly as possible. This will cost you a lot of pain over a short period of time.

 

The other is to drag out what is going on. In some cases it can be dragged out for years. And then and only then will you be divorced. That will cost you a lot of pain over a long period of time.

 

More: quit drinking. You clearly have a problem. And stop worrying about the effect of all this on your daughter. She will be hurt no matter what happens, and you can put that all on your wife.

 

Nothing I've read so far indicates that she's really ready to reconcile. What she wants is for you to forgive her and never mention it again -- all the while hoping that you never catch her again.

 

You're right. I just need to stop sitting on my hands and take action. In the short term I'm going to go through a lot but it'll be necessary to just move on I understand. And you're right about the drinking. It's not going to dissolve my issues of what's going on. Instead I should be getting back to where I was through working out and doing things to stay busy and away from alcohol.

 

I'm making this difficult on myself. The reason I went back to the house was cause of advice I had gotten from my lawyer. When I went back I was planning on crashing on the couch. It didn't matter to me where I slept as long I was there. I felt like since I didn't do anything wrong I shouldn't have been the one to just walk away from the house.

 

But when I came back my wife has been doing nothing but trying to get me to just move forward. It's probably a game to her. She probably gets on internally knowing that she can screw me over and know she'll continue to do it. Maybe it's some sort of rush she gets doing it who knows what her mental state is.

 

But mixing her family into it telling her what she has done is ok might have made her think it was ok. I think her family painted me as the person who was in the wrong and validated what she did to me. I was the cause of the problem. If I could only go back and do things over when I found out. I wouldn't have even spoken to her mom about it. That was the worst thing I think I could have ever done.

 

Knowing how much her family has gone out of their way to betray me as well is chilling and still unbelievable. It's a hard pill to swallow when you think you've built up a relationship with your spouses family to have them turn on you and do these things. I know she's their daughter but the way they went about this was completely uncalled for. I guess parents go through some sort of protection mode and didn't want to think their daughter was a cheating, lying dirty little **** so they decided to pin it all on me. I was the one that made their daughter make the poor decisions in our marriage. I was at fault for everything.

 

I'll be in contact again with the lawyer soon. Hoping to get my 2014 started correctly. It will be another painful year but hopefully the pain will dissolve quickly so I can get on track with my life. From what she's said it feels like she's going to make this process very difficult for everybody involved. I really hope she doesn't do anything really stupid. If anything, I think she'd be shocked that I'd just go serve papers. I don't think she's used to things not going as planned. Always seemed like she got her way no matter what and when things don't work out the way SHE planned the world is ending.

 

 

My xW did a lot of the same things. It is really up to you if you want to be with her or not. The one thing is for sure if you stay you had better get used to sharing her. The reason I say this is just based on what you said. She never felt guilty screwing the OM and lieing to you. You really only know about this one guy at this point. Its not like she came to you before and gave you the truth. You had to dig it out of her. Like it or not your marriage is over with. Even if you stay with her she will never be the person you married.

 

You are right you being with her and continuing to sleep with her is telling her its ok what she did. You sleeping with her also is telling her you don't find her disgusting at all. You are perfectly ok that she had sex with this OM.

 

You don't have to say anything really. Its your actions. Just like it was her actions that showed you what kind of a woman she was.

 

Your not the only person that has done this. Lots of people on this site and in the world have allowed there mate to cheat on them and they take them back. I did it for 10 years and my xW just continued to cheat on me over and over.

 

I learned my lesson. Some day you will learn too.

 

Clay

 

 

Thanks Clay, it's always good to hear your input. You're completely right man and I know if I did try and R I'd probably come back here and tell you that you were right. I just need to set aside my emotions and move forward. Now I've got to worry about her for some reason skipping on the pill. She said she's supposed to get her period in a couple weeks. I really hope she didn't try to use that as her nuclear option to keep me around.

[oldshirt]

Now I've got to worry about her for some reason skipping on the pill. She said she's supposed to get her period in a couple weeks. I really hope she didn't try to use that as her nuclear option to keep me around.

 

 

If that does happen you need to get a paternity test the moment she announces it. In fact tell her now that if she turns up pregnant you'll get one.

 

Alot of cheating women screw their husbands immediately after an encounter with their OM, especially if they haven't had sex with them for months prior to the tryst.

 

That is in case they are already pregnant from the affair and are trying to cover their tracks.

[Fluttershy]

If that does happen you need to get a paternity test the moment she announces it. In fact tell her now that if she turns up pregnant you'll get one.

 

Alot of cheating women screw their husbands immediately after an encounter with their OM, especially if they haven't had sex with them for months prior to the tryst.

 

That is in case they are already pregnant from the affair and are trying to cover their tracks.

You do realize paternity tests can't be done until later in the pregnancy... Not immediately.

[jm2013]

If that does happen you need to get a paternity test the moment she announces it. In fact tell her now that if she turns up pregnant you'll get one.

 

Alot of cheating women screw their husbands immediately after an encounter with their OM, especially if they haven't had sex with them for months prior to the tryst.

 

That is in case they are already pregnant from the affair and are trying to cover their tracks.

 

Oh my God. That's the last thing I need right now. If she's being honest with me about anything I really do hope it's that she's really taking that pill she's been taking for years. I could only begin to imagine consciously bringing a whole new set of problems on myself. I gotta separate myself from this temptress. Gotta just set the love we once shared and the big brown puppy dog eyes she gives me daily aside and think straight.

Edited December 16, 2013 by jm2013

[Clay]

So let me get this right. She cheated on you for months telling you she was not continuing to see the OM. You believed her but found she was LIEING. She had sex with him and you believed she loved you but she LIED. Now in all of this you really expect she is going to be truthful with you and she wont LIE to you. She is trying to get your family on her side. You really don't think she won't LIE to you to trap you in staying with her?

 

 

Clay

[jm2013]

So let me get this right. She cheated on you for months telling you she was not continuing to see the OM. You believed her but found she was LIEING. She had sex with him and you believed she loved you but she LIED. Now in all of this you really expect she is going to be truthful with you and she wont LIE to you. She is trying to get your family on her side. You really don't think she won't LIE to you to trap you in staying with her?

 

 

Clay

 

I know. When you sum it up like that I am a complete idiot. She shows me she's taking the pill just about nightly but could be throwing it up later, I am not sure. I am not sure why she'd want to trap me right now anyways if she's continuing on relationship behind my back to this day. She did recently start a new job so going through the FMLA would be tough to come by any way you look at it from her current employment.

[Clay]

You still love her. You did not do this. Its all hard to process in such a small amount of time. This unfortunately is the time that will dictate just how your future is going to go. I am really sorry you are going through. It does suck and I would not wish it on anyone except for my xW.

 

This is really about you now and not about her. You need to protect you.

 

Clay

[road]

You do realize paternity tests can't be done until later in the pregnancy... Not immediately.

 

 

 

 

 

They can be done now. Some of the baby's cells cross over and are in the mom's blood stream. They can do a paternity test safely before the baby is born.

[atreides]

It's probably a game to her. She probably gets on internally knowing that she can screw me over and know she'll continue to do it.

 

Yep, based on what she has done.... most definitely.

 

You need to get out or go cold fast, her family is way too destructive. As for the pill, if she is pregnant, have a test done when you can and while it makes things more complex, it should have no affect on getting out.

[jm2013]

Yep, based on what she has done.... most definitely.

 

You need to get out or go cold fast, her family is way too destructive. As for the pill, if she is pregnant, have a test done when you can and while it makes things more complex, it should have no affect on getting out.

 

 

Yeah, it's hard to believe. I sit here every day reminded myself what my wife has done and what she's done with her family behind my back knowingly. She tried to have sex with me this morning and I declined and turned over. She kept asking me what was wrong this morning like nothing has happened. Even know it's been a couple months it is such a stupid questions to ask. " Hey honey, what's wrong with you?".. Oh I don't know honey, you had an emotional affair with another man that led to a physical one and lies lies and more lies topped with your family's betrayal and your non ending screw ups getting in contact with him. Nope. I'm fine honey, just another day in paradise.

 

So I'm going to schedule an appointment with my lawyer to get this ball rolling and hit her right in the you know what with a realization this isn't going to work. I'm not going to let her new found attitude and ambition to keep our marriage alive allow to just sweep all this under the rug and move forward like nothing ever happened. It makes me sick just replaying it over and over and over. Good thing I come back to this forum to have a discussion or my wife the master illusionist would have set be back a few more years and bone rodded me even harder than she has already.

 

Thanks everybody for your replies, understanding and words of encouragement to stay strong and focused. Life does go on. One day down the road I'll be lucky to come back here and give strong words of encouragement to some other poor guy/woman who was faced with the same situation and be able to give words of wisdom.

 

I'm willing to bet when my wife finds out I'm not playing this game she turns from nice to mean in an instant. Her words will all be irrelevant. I'm just hoping she won't go cold for our daughter's sake. I'm also trying to figure out what I'm going to use to pay my lawyer. I've got a credit card at 8.99%. I've had it for awhile but it's attached to the bank account my wife logs into online and can see the activity of that credit card. I also opened up another credit line from my new bank with a rate of 13%. What would you guys do? I don't want to have a couple different credit card bills coming in. And I have no clue what money she's going to use to pay her own attorney. I wonder if I could convince her to use the same one? Maybe that would bring the cost down?

Edited December 17, 2013 by jm2013