Almost 7 Years of Marriage in Turmoil After Wife's Affair

[harrybrown]

She already cheated. Did you have her sign an agreement, because she cheated that if you get divorced, she will do this and this and this?

 

Some of the things to consider are you do have to pay child support. Does she want to leave, go be with the OM and leave her family behind? She could just walk away like some other wife did. Then later really regret what she did to her children by having an affair.

[Iguanna]

I have stopped reading your story in the middle somewhere just to tell you this: you are too "soft" (I'm sorry to say this) and your wife knows it and is trying to take advantage of this fact. You have shown that you are not sure about kicking her out and taking a divorce that's why she is doing all these crazy things. What she did should not make you doubt not even for a second. No talking, no trying to sort things out, nothing. Just silence, gathering proof with an investigator and divorce papers on the table. Pack her things and throw them out of the house. Send the kid to your parents for some weeks until she is gone. This is the way this had to be handled. The more you talk about it and think about it, the more she gets sure she can make you change your mind. You are too young, you will fix your life soon and your daughter will be better away from this crazy mother. Don't wait another day, don't pay attention to what she promises - says - does. No more words from you, just actions.

[jm2013]

Yeah, I suppose this does make me look soft. I have never been faced with such a complicated situation in my life. I went through many different emotions, depression, no sleep, no eating etc. The only thing that did it for me was our daughter. To this day I still can't believe she knowingly stripped our daughter of that and self destructed what we had.

 

If it was her and me this would have been easier to stick the nail in the coffin. She plays on me with our daughter having her say things like "daddy I want you home", "Daddy I miss and love you so much I want you home" it's really heart wrenching. Then having my daughter ask me why all my stuff was moved out. My wife definitely knows how to soften be up a bit. But yes, you're right. Actions speak louder than words. I'm scheduling my appointment today and moving the process forward. I don't think I can kick her out of the house since both our names are on it. I'm not looking to get into legal trouble. She has every right to be in the home as I do legally. I think my best bet is to ask for a buyout. I'll probably talk to her parents and say I'll be out of all your lives for good if you buy me out and have her waive the spousal support. I'll only show up when I'm there to pick my daughter up.

[Iguanna]

I strongly suggest that you only do things through a lawyer so they are done correctly and she doesn't use any technicality of the law to do some damage. That's why I said, the more you say and do, the more complicated the situation becomes.

 

Can't you give her some money for the house instead and you stay in it with the kid?

[jm2013]

I strongly suggest that you only do things through a lawyer so they are done correctly and she doesn't use any technicality of the law to do some damage. That's why I said, the more you say and do, the more complicated the situation becomes.

 

Can't you give her some money for the house instead and you stay in it with the kid?

 

To be honest, I don't want that house. I don't want to sit there and be reminded every day. I'll move to something better, bigger and more my style anyways. There's just too much blah in that house for me to even want to live there. And as far as my daughter, there's no way I'd get custody man. I live in the USA where the moms will get rewarded the children unless they don't want involvement, drug users or put the kids in danger in any way. It would be a long drawn out custody battle that would cost me $xx,xxx that I wouldn't win. My wife is a good mom just a lousy wife.

[Iguanna]

To be honest, I don't want that house. I don't want to sit there and be reminded every day. I'll move to something better, bigger and more my style anyways. There's just too much blah in that house for me to even want to live there. And as far as my daughter, there's no way I'd get custody man. I live in the USA where the moms will get rewarded the children unless they don't want involvement, drug users or put the kids in danger in any way. It would be a long drawn out custody battle that would cost me $xx,xxx that I wouldn't win. My wife is a good mom just a lousy wife.

 

I'm a girl.

 

Fair enough. If you believe your daughter will be in good hands, then it's ok. I would fight though. That's why I talked about finding evidence. Good luck

[tiredofitall2]

She already cheated. Did you have her sign an agreement, because she cheated that if you get divorced, she will do this and this and this?

 

Some of the things to consider are you do have to pay child support. Does she want to leave, go be with the OM and leave her family behind? She could just walk away like some other wife did. Then later really regret what she did to her children by having an affair.

 

 

No she has not walked away. She f**ed big time like many WS do in their for. I just don't understand why everyone keeps encouraging him to just D her. Especially when there is a 4yr old D involved. I know we all have been hurt by infidelity, but most would have wanted our WW to turn back and beg and plead as she has done.

 

One must understand that when someone is in an A they will take time to break the habit. They are like drug addicts and they will go back and and forth until they wake from their fog as she has. It tipically takes something drastic as this to get her to come out of it.

 

I would give her a 2nd chance with a 6 month to 1 yr time frame. If not for them, but for the daughter's sake. People can and often change and come out stronger. Especially when coming so close to losing everything.

[Clay]

To be honest, I don't want that house. I don't want to sit there and be reminded every day. I'll move to something better, bigger and more my style anyways. There's just too much blah in that house for me to even want to live there. And as far as my daughter, there's no way I'd get custody man. I live in the USA where the moms will get rewarded the children unless they don't want involvement, drug users or put the kids in danger in any way. It would be a long drawn out custody battle that would cost me $xx,xxx that I wouldn't win. My wife is a good mom just a lousy wife.

 

There is no doubt it would be hard to get custody but understand more and more men are doing just that. Is your wife really a good mother. I question that. She brought another man into the picture. What if he had been a pyscho and killed you. Would she still be a good mother? I know it did not turn out that way but it truth its not like you had any say who was going to be in your daughters life now. She made that choice for you. So while you think she is a good mother I disagree. Does it mean you can get custody or want to go broke trying. Maybe not. Maybe it would be better just to cut your losses and focus just on being in your daughters life as much as you can. Get joint custody and do your best to be a good example for her.

 

Someone has to really be the strong one now and sadly this person has to be you. Especially when you are at your weakest point. I think how you respond to all of this is the most important. Its not about saving face or showing who is the better person. Its about protecting you from any further harm.

 

Clay

[turnera]

I know. When you sum it up like that I am a complete idiot. She shows me she's taking the pill just about nightly but could be throwing it up later, I am not sure. I am not sure why she'd want to trap me right now anyways if she's continuing on relationship behind my back to this day. She did recently start a new job so going through the FMLA would be tough to come by any way you look at it from her current employment.

Why can't you just say no?

[jm2013]

I'm a girl.

 

Fair enough. If you believe your daughter will be in good hands, then it's ok. I would fight though. That's why I talked about finding evidence. Good luck

 

I'm sorry for the confusion . Yeah, I'll ask my attorney next week. I scheduled another appointment to get the ball rolling here. I'm just tired of it all and need a fresh start. I don't ever want to even see her family and the destruction is beyond repair. Maybe she'll think about what she destructed when she moves into her next relationship and marriage. I'll probably feel sorry for the next poor guy having to go through that toxic family.

 

No she has not walked away. She f**ed big time like many WS do in their for. I just don't understand why everyone keeps encouraging him to just D her. Especially when there is a 4yr old D involved. I know we all have been hurt by infidelity, but most would have wanted our WW to turn back and beg and plead as she has done.

 

One must understand that when someone is in an A they will take time to break the habit. They are like drug addicts and they will go back and and forth until they wake from their fog as she has. It tipically takes something drastic as this to get her to come out of it.

 

I would give her a 2nd chance with a 6 month to 1 yr time frame. If not for them, but for the daughter's sake. People can and often change and come out stronger. Especially when coming so close to losing everything.

 

I can see where you're coming from to a point. IF and IF she came to me with true remorse from the beginning this would have played different. The day my wife supposedly did this "one" time we had gotten into an argument. We both went off to work. I took a half day that day to write a letter of apology and buy my wife a dozen roses, dinner and even a trip to a close amusement park for us to have fun. I guess we both went into work with two different perceptions.

 

Hers was to hug up on this other guy and let him rail her to get some sort of self gratification. Anyways, I returned home that day and she looked at it and did begin to cry. I was kind of thrown off by that but thought she was just emotional and didn't want to work on our marriage or something. I wasn't sure. But after that she treated me like a piece of garbage still. She didn't want me touching her, she was still distant in many ways. It was business as usual. I even went back looking through the phone records and the communication spiked between the two from that day to when I finally unearthed it.

 

I printed the phone records and handed them to her and she got upset at ME and just threw them down and said WHAT. SO WHAT. We work together. That doesn't prove anything. And I'm like YES IT DOES. You had an affair and she just kept telling me to show her the evidence and proof. That's all she said to me. Where was the remorse then?

 

She even mentioned divorce and how we'd be a team for our daughter. This was before I actually knew. Then one day I took her out to dinner and we came home and discussed everything. Her time to be open and honest with me. Lied AGAIN. I asked her face to face with eye contact. Did you cheat on me with this guy, emotionally, physically anything. She says no absolutely not that she'd ever in a million years do that and he was just a good friend. I knew something was offbeat. Good friends don't speak that much on the phone and exchange that many texts.

 

That's when I launched my investigation further and finally got her to admit to the affair. I was floored. She said she wanted to make us work so I gave her guidelines. First off she was to have no contact with the guy. And what does her and her family do? Her whole damn family meets with him because he "allegedly" reached out to them to apologize. Sorry bud, wrong ******* people to apologize to. They all meet with him and consider this guy a good man ironically. A married man who threw his wife and kid down the drain to get his rocks off with my wife.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if my whacky in laws reached out to him. They're

a very jealous breed that's for sure. All of this because they couldn't handle their daughter having better things than them. What a piece of work. This guy almost lost his house and is in financial crap storm. He's probably telling her he's not ready yet which is why she's doing everything she can to stall this out for him who knows.

 

But my wife has continued to lie to me about what's going on and hide things. It's hard to remind myself of that cause it's like some sort of trance you get put under wondering how the person you married and have shared you life with had children with can be such a cruel person inside. I don't have those answers. But I know I'll have no trouble rebooting my life and continuing on. She's an extremely jealous person. So when I get into dating eventually I'm sure she'll have an extremely difficult time knowing and seeing that trying to judge the next woman to see if she thinks she's way more attractive than her. She self analyzes constantly. She inherited from her mental mother. Not sure why her mom has so many problems with herself. Her dad probably told her she looked like garbage for most of the years they've been married who knows.

[jm2013]

There is no doubt it would be hard to get custody but understand more and more men are doing just that. Is your wife really a good mother. I question that. She brought another man into the picture. What if he had been a pyscho and killed you. Would she still be a good mother? I know it did not turn out that way but it truth its not like you had any say who was going to be in your daughters life now. She made that choice for you. So while you think she is a good mother I disagree. Does it mean you can get custody or want to go broke trying. Maybe not. Maybe it would be better just to cut your losses and focus just on being in your daughters life as much as you can. Get joint custody and do your best to be a good example for her.

 

Someone has to really be the strong one now and sadly this person has to be you. Especially when you are at your weakest point. I think how you respond to all of this is the most important. Its not about saving face or showing who is the better person. Its about protecting you from any further harm.

 

Clay

 

You're right if you look at it in that light. Unfortunately the court could care less. I'll take what ever involvement I'm given to be with my daughter. I can only hope when my daughter reaches and age of understanding she'll want to come live with daddy. All kids grow up so we'll see. The other thing that's going to bother me is if she does get hooked up with this guy and he moves in. Knowing he's there with my kid and answering the door is going to piss me off to no end. I'll have to refrain from wanting to rip him out the door if that happens. I think in the end what will hurt my wife the most is seeing my life go on into happiness while she moves forward with the miserable choices she made.

 

I'd really be surprised if they ended up together. I couldn't imagine that working out. At some point there's gotta be resentment or just seeing him daily knowing what was destroyed because of what happened who knows. It just doesn't seem like it would work out but I could be completely wrong. Not sure what their twisted minds are thinking.

 

Why can't you just say no?

 

I know I'm an idiot. But when I'm showering and my wife comes in and grinding on me it starts to get difficult to resist the temptation. I mean I suppose I could have tried to just get out of there. I don't know. I did resist for awhile though then I hit my breaking point.

[tiredofitall2]

They rarely come back with true remorse. Remember that many times the A is justified in their heads. It takes a shock to the system many times to et them to wake up. Search Wayward Fog. People will do crazy things when in this state. You don't have to take her back. Either way I just want you to understand that what she did is not unheard of. Many do far worse things. some have abandoned their children to go with the OM. One day they wake up and they are back to the person they really were. I truly believe that a WS spouse is like a pod person that has been taken over by an alien. It is not always who they truly are as many here will say. Who they trolly are is fogged y the brain chemicals and the excitement of the A.

 

We have all seen how teenagers in love can be so irrational. It is the exact same thing. Not to excuse their behavior, but it is not about the OM. It's about how the OM made her feel about herself. The same way a drug gives you a high and then you are hooked. The excitement of the forbidden fruit and the rush of the illicit.

 

Ultimately it is your choice, just chose wisely, based on your circumstances and not based on the other BS opinions. They were hurt and they out on a witch hunt and want to live through you.

 

I've been on both sides of the fence and can honestly say I wish by W had at least done what your W is currently doing. I too have a 4yr old daugther and it brakes my heart every time she says she wants to go out with both mommy and daddy as she used to up to a couple of months ago.

[jm2013]

They rarely come back with true remorse. Remember that many times the A is justified in their heads. It takes a shock to the system many times to et them to wake up. Search Wayward Fog. People will do crazy things when in this state. You don't have to take her back. Either way I just want you to understand that what she did is not unheard of. Many do far worse things. some have abandoned their children to go with the OM. One day they wake up and they are back to the person they really were. I truly believe that a WS spouse is like a pod person that has been taken over by an alien. It is not always who they truly are as many here will say. Who they trolly are is fogged y the brain chemicals and the excitement of the A.

 

We have all seen how teenagers in love can be so irrational. It is the exact same thing. Not to excuse their behavior, but it is not about the OM. It's about how the OM made her feel about herself. The same way a drug gives you a high and then you are hooked. The excitement of the forbidden fruit and the rush of the illicit.

 

Ultimately it is your choice, just chose wisely, based on your circumstances and not based on the other BS opinions. They were hurt and they out on a witch hunt and want to live through you.

 

I've been on both sides of the fence and can honestly say I wish by W had at least done what your W is currently doing. I too have a 4yr old daugther and it brakes my heart every time she says she wants to go out with both mommy and daddy as she used to up to a couple of months ago.

 

You've got some valid points. I'm not sure if my wife is being authentic or not. She's proved to me she can be extremely deceptive. Everything about our marriage seems extremely flawed and tainted now and that feeling doesn't sit right. I know I'm young enough to go find another person when I'm ready who actually respects what a marriage is and works at it as a team effort instead of a person who's weak and runs to her parents and other men for self reassurances and flawed advice.

 

I am very disappointed at all of this and still cannot picture not seeing my little girl daily. Through technology I'm hoping I can at least communicate with her daily.. We'll see. I'll have to install Skype on the ipad and see if I can teach her how to Skype video chat with me at night. I think that would be fun for her and allow me to still have some communication with her daily.

 

I am being optimistic and hoping my little girl will grow up one day and realize why I left. With it not being the fault of my own but the fault of her mother's beyond horrible decisions. And with her knowing that in the future I wonder if it would draw her to me more. We'll see.

 

Oh I forgot to add a couple more things here that have disappointed me through this whole time. When I initially left my wife took down ALL of our wedding pictures. There's not one picture of us as a family or just together that's displayed anywhere in the house. The only pictures she's displaying are her parents, grandparents and our daughter. Does anybody else find that weird? If she was so sorry wouldn't she want to put our pictures up? Why on earth would somebody react that way to tear down all the pictures of US? The person she supposedly is still deeply in love with! I'm not sure why I let that bother me that much. It doesn't feel authentic. I'm not the one who cheated on her. If it was reversed and I did that I would have never in a million years taken our pictures down. Now if I had cheated and walked out I'd fully expect her to throw them out.

Edited December 17, 2013 by jm2013

[Clay]

You know man I feel horrible for you. My xW did move right in with the OM. My kids were introduced to him right away. It really pissed me off but honestly I just felt I had to shut my feelings down and walk away. She still lives with the same guy too and its been six years. I really don't even care anymore. I believe she is now cheating on him and if she is good for him. I just focus on my kids and try to be a good dad for them.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[troubadour]

I know I'm an idiot. But when I'm showering and my wife comes in and grinding on me it starts to get difficult to resist the temptation. I mean I suppose I could have tried to just get out of there. I don't know. I did resist for awhile though then I hit my breaking point.

 

 

Man, this is just pathetic. She is playing you for a fool, and you know that, but you are willing to suck it up in exchange for some pity sex from her. What has happend to your self-respect?

[jm2013]

You know man I feel horrible for you. My xW did move right in with the OM. My kids were introduced to him right away. It really pissed me off but honestly I just felt I had to shut my feelings down and walk away. She still lives with the same guy too and its been six years. I really don't even care anymore. I believe she is now cheating on him and if she is good for him. I just focus on my kids and try to be a good dad for them.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

 

Clay man, I look at you who's gone through what I'm currently going through already. You're the light at the end of the tunnel. I mean it seams like you got you stuff together after it happened to you. On here I know I'm not the only one. Just gotta play the hand I was dealt. I'm sure in a couple years things will just be normal and into some sort of routine.

 

Man, this is just pathetic. She is playing you for a fool, and you know that, but you are willing to suck it up in exchange for some pity sex from her. What has happend to your self-respect?

 

I know right? My wife tells me every single day how much she loves me. And she sits there daily and says she's not giving up on us will will die trying. I am not sure what that even means and find it extremely odd. I asked her to clarify and she just keeps saying she's not giving up. She seems all over the place and it distorts what has happened. For all I know she COULD be telling the truth. But since she's the one who evaporated that trust with me she's got to understand my feelings and just deal with it. I"ll never trust her again. That's it. No trust no marriage.

 

 

Your judgement is SEVERELY clouded jm. You are thinking "what if she is genuinely really remorseful", "I don't want my kid(s?) part of a broken home". "I can't afford to deal with the financial side of things". Those are the reasons in your confused state of mind to stay, but you know deep down staying will destroy you longterm and part of you knows this already. Genuinely remorseful people don't behave the way she has. I think (scratch that, KNOW) there are a catalog of lies you know nothing about.

 

Gez just look at the evidence. She has cheated, viciously lied (over and over) and manipulated you (to the point its disgusting). Her love for you is NOT real love. It's purely selfish. It's all about HER. Her family are bat S*&&* crazy. Newsflash jm the apple rarely falls far from the tree, no matter who convincing she is. She is a leopard who spots are clearly defined and spots that will never change (no matter how she tries to cover them).

 

If you take her back, she will cheat again. Her words and promises are empty. She is wired a different way to a normal person. Only you know why you decided to ignore the signs. They were there. Right now you are blinded by love for her and loyalty to your family. If you take her back is not 99% she will cheat again its 100%.

 

If you don't divorce this woman it will be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. The financial cost is high and yes your credit rating will in all likelihood get affected. However staying with her, the the longterm damage will be much much worse. In fact the damage will be irreversible. No life, full of resentfulness and anger. Your kid(s) suffering because of this.

 

Time to be a real man and make the big decision. If you chicken out for all the wrong reasons (stated above) you will end up a sad, bitter lonely old man. But hey at least you will have a great credit rating right? Just think about that for a second...

 

Credit ratings can be retrieved. We only have one shot at life and if you go back to this woman you will blow yours...

 

You've got valid points thanks. And you're right, it's much easier to repair my credit. I have made my appointment. We'll see what my wife does when she sees the paper work. I'll probably get a knife in my back in the kitchen. You guys can probably check out my case on scorned love on ID channel when this all unfolds.

[tiredofitall2]

You've got some valid points. I'm not sure if my wife is being authentic or not. She's proved to me she can be extremely deceptive. Everything about our marriage seems extremely flawed and tainted now and that feeling doesn't sit right. I know I'm young enough to go find another person when I'm ready who actually respects what a marriage is and works at it as a team effort instead of a person who's weak and runs to her parents and other men for self reassurances and flawed advice.

 

I am very disappointed at all of this and still cannot picture not seeing my little girl daily. Through technology I'm hoping I can at least communicate with her daily.. We'll see. I'll have to install Skype on the ipad and see if I can teach her how to Skype video chat with me at night. I think that would be fun for her and allow me to still have some communication with her daily.

 

I am being optimistic and hoping my little girl will grow up one day and realize why I left. With it not being the fault of my own but the fault of her mother's beyond horrible decisions. And with her knowing that in the future I wonder if it would draw her to me more. We'll see.

 

Oh I forgot to add a couple more things here that have disappointed me through this whole time. When I initially left my wife took down ALL of our wedding pictures. There's not one picture of us as a family or just together that's displayed anywhere in the house. The only pictures she's displaying are her parents, grandparents and our daughter. Does anybody else find that weird? If she was so sorry wouldn't she want to put our pictures up? Why on earth would somebody react that way to tear down all the pictures of US? The person she supposedly is still deeply in love with! I'm not sure why I let that bother me that much. It doesn't feel authentic. I'm not the one who cheated on her. If it was reversed and I did that I would have never in a million years taken our pictures down. Now if I had cheated and walked out I'd fully expect her to throw them out.

 

Me too, I'm in my mid 30s but I will look for someone out of not having the option to fix things with her. I would if I had the chance. I don't know our W, but I know mine and I know that I pushed her to do what she did. It was a revenge A or exit A. In your case it might be different, but I know that both men and women will change after situations like these. Not true that a cheater is always a cheater. This only occurs if you allow it and don't take a stance and you have. Also when you allow them to cake eat without consequences.

 

The problem with finding someone new is that cheating is so rampant now and women cheat almost as often as men. There are no real guarantees. Stats also state that 2nd marriages fail at a higher rate than 1st marriages. It's close to 70%. So if one can save the marriage it is always worth giving it a shot.

 

Just my 2 cents

[turnera]

I know I'm an idiot. But when I'm showering and my wife comes in and grinding on me it starts to get difficult to resist the temptation. I mean I suppose I could have tried to just get out of there. I don't know. I did resist for awhile though then I hit my breaking point.

 

No offense, but I really get tired of the male excuse that just because he has a boner, he can't say no. Start thinking with your real brain. You're playing with your life here.

[Clay]

No offense, but I really get tired of the male excuse that just because he has a boner, he can't say no. Start thinking with your real brain. You're playing with your life here.

 

You are absolutely right but its worse than even he realizes. Its the very thing she sees that ok'd her to have sex with the OM. If he is sleeping with her then it must be ok.

 

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

You know man I feel horrible for you. My xW did move right in with the OM. My kids were introduced to him right away. It really pissed me off but honestly I just felt I had to shut my feelings down and walk away. She still lives with the same guy too and its been six years. I really don't even care anymore. I believe she is now cheating on him and if she is good for him. I just focus on my kids and try to be a good dad for them.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

 

Clay, in your case it was so horrible and she sounds like somewhat of a nut. A real attentions seeker. I feel for you. I guess she never said she was sorry.....

[jm2013]

Do all of you think this is normal for a cheating spouse to send? Look at some of this stuff. I get it daily..

 

"XXXXXX, I love you. I want you. You can't see it now, or believe it now, but you will. I have done and caused so much hurt, but I will fix it all. I will. I will never let my huge **ck up alter from what I love and want for the rest of my life. You are my life, along with our daughter. Nothing more. I have enough strength and faith for both of us. You will soon. I know it."

 

And this is WHY she loves me

 

"How strong you are. I don't mean physically (which you ARE YOU REALLY ARE), but you have unbelievable strength everyday with what you've been through all your life, up until now. You have not faltered, and that is commendable. Personality - you are so loving, caring, have a huge heart, but you know how to cut that off when need be, you are funny and can always make me laugh. You are very intelligent and EXTREMELY determined to have the best life possible (which WE WILL together). Hard headed - but that has helped me realize (especially now) how i have to be and admire that. WONDERFUL HUSBAND - no, you are not perfect. but i don't want you to be. I love everything about you and you have and always will make me the happiest woman on earth. WONDERFUL FATHER - kid1 and kid2 are the luckiest kids to have you. You give all your heart to them, and it shows through them."

 

"and I repeat this message : Listen, I hate everything that has happened, and It's all my fault. This is a deep hatred I will always have for myself, and I can't describe it to you. This HAS taught me valuable life lessons about who I am, my love, and want, and future. It has also taught me patience, time, and to believe and have faith. I won't ever let go or give up. I am NOT that person. I am the person you married, and will prove that. And yes, I DO have somethings to prove. I will. I love you and want you."

 

See how weird this can get? And yes, it is my fault. I don't have to have sex with her. Whoever invents a birth control pill a man can take will be a genius and filthy rich person.

[Clay]

Clay, in your case it was so horrible and she sounds like somewhat of a nut. A real attentions seeker. I feel for you. I guess she never said she was sorry.....

 

They never do. They just feel you deserve what you get for being so stupid and sticking with them all this time.

 

Clay

[Clay]

Do all of you think this is normal for a cheating spouse to send? Look at some of this stuff. I get it daily..

 

"XXXXXX, I love you. I want you. You can't see it now, or believe it now, but you will. I have done and caused so much hurt, but I will fix it all. I will. I will never let my huge **ck up alter from what I love and want for the rest of my life. You are my life, along with our daughter. Nothing more. I have enough strength and faith for both of us. You will soon. I know it."

 

And this is WHY she loves me

 

"How strong you are. I don't mean physically (which you ARE YOU REALLY ARE), but you have unbelievable strength everyday with what you've been through all your life, up until now. You have not faltered, and that is commendable. Personality - you are so loving, caring, have a huge heart, but you know how to cut that off when need be, you are funny and can always make me laugh. You are very intelligent and EXTREMELY determined to have the best life possible (which WE WILL together). Hard headed - but that has helped me realize (especially now) how i have to be and admire that. WONDERFUL HUSBAND - no, you are not perfect. but i don't want you to be. I love everything about you and you have and always will make me the happiest woman on earth. WONDERFUL FATHER - kid1 and kid2 are the luckiest kids to have you. You give all your heart to them, and it shows through them."

 

"and I repeat this message : Listen, I hate everything that has happened, and It's all my fault. This is a deep hatred I will always have for myself, and I can't describe it to you. This HAS taught me valuable life lessons about who I am, my love, and want, and future. It has also taught me patience, time, and to believe and have faith. I won't ever let go or give up. I am NOT that person. I am the person you married, and will prove that. And yes, I DO have somethings to prove. I will. I love you and want you."

 

See how weird this can get? And yes, it is my fault. I don't have to have sex with her. Whoever invents a birth control pill a man can take will be a genius and filthy rich person.

 

 

Jim,

Please don't be mad at me but I do find this one really funny. My xW would write me 6 page letters of how she will be a better person. A better wife. The best mother.

 

After going through all that she still cheated one more time. lol

 

I learned a persons actions were louder than there words.

 

Your going to have to figure out what it means to you. Just keep in mind the wonderful things she wrote to the OM.

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

Do all of you think this is normal for a cheating spouse to send? Look at some of this stuff. I get it daily..

 

"XXXXXX, I love you. I want you. You can't see it now, or believe it now, but you will. I have done and caused so much hurt, but I will fix it all. I will. I will never let my huge **ck up alter from what I love and want for the rest of my life. You are my life, along with our daughter. Nothing more. I have enough strength and faith for both of us. You will soon. I know it."

 

And this is WHY she loves me

 

"How strong you are. I don't mean physically (which you ARE YOU REALLY ARE), but you have unbelievable strength everyday with what you've been through all your life, up until now. You have not faltered, and that is commendable. Personality - you are so loving, caring, have a huge heart, but you know how to cut that off when need be, you are funny and can always make me laugh. You are very intelligent and EXTREMELY determined to have the best life possible (which WE WILL together). Hard headed - but that has helped me realize (especially now) how i have to be and admire that. WONDERFUL HUSBAND - no, you are not perfect. but i don't want you to be. I love everything about you and you have and always will make me the happiest woman on earth. WONDERFUL FATHER - kid1 and kid2 are the luckiest kids to have you. You give all your heart to them, and it shows through them."

 

"and I repeat this message : Listen, I hate everything that has happened, and It's all my fault. This is a deep hatred I will always have for myself, and I can't describe it to you. This HAS taught me valuable life lessons about who I am, my love, and want, and future. It has also taught me patience, time, and to believe and have faith. I won't ever let go or give up. I am NOT that person. I am the person you married, and will prove that. And yes, I DO have somethings to prove. I will. I love you and want you."

 

See how weird this can get? And yes, it is my fault. I don't have to have sex with her. Whoever invents a birth control pill a man can take will be a genius and filthy rich person.

 

All I will say is that all situations are different just as all people are different. Just because someone's WS beaved similarly and then cheated again and again does not mean this will be the case with you. What is her past behavior and background, has she cheated before? On old BFs perhaps???

 

IMHO it is more common for a WS to waiver than to go cold turkey from OM/OW. Lies are part of the territory. cheater have to lie. But people that cheat will change and sometimes forever.

 

One option is for you to separate and give it a 6 month trial. See if she even once goes to the OM. You can also stay in a separate room for this period. No sex, if you can handle it. Be clear that she's being tested. See how she behaves and detach from her. If she truly is repentant then you will see it. At that point I would say give it a go.

 

Is she willing to go to MC with you? I would suggest you seek within you and not so much on other's opinions. It is just to difficult to give advice from internet forum without knowing the reality of the situation, the people involved etc. If I knew you guys or at least her years and I'm a close friend or family member then perhaps my advice would be a little more well informed. Other than that, it is just general advice given the information you are providing.

 

Which BTW can be skewed and is one sided. You are hurt, angry etc. and rightfully so. One thing they always say after an infidelity is not to make any quick decisions. D is a big one and you should wait until the dust settles a bit.

 

I would suggest reading a few books on infidelity by Harley. "Surviving Infidelity is a good one. There are others out there too. Have her read His Needs Her Needs on the 6 month trial. Then take it from there. You can always find a new partner, 6 months will not make much of a difference.

 

I hope I don't get blasted here, but I think it is worth one more try for your D.

[RightThere]

But people that cheat will change and sometimes forever.

 

I liked a lot of what you wrote, but this I cannot let slide. Cheaters for the most part, do not change. Unless they actually do the hard work during reconciliation (not just talk about it).

 

But I think it is more an exception versus a rule that cheaters will change. They will lie for long periods of time, cause hurt without remorse, and commit selfish acts without consequence.

 

I think the BS is more likely to go through real change versus the WS.