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[Dreamlala]

So I'm 8.5 months pregnant due in 5-6 weeks and today my husband sent me that dreaded line "we need to talk". He wanted out because of a statement I made back in July. I left and came to sleep at a friends house (he seemed to think I should sleep in our home still on our bed )

 

I'm so lost , can't sleep and don't know what to do. Just saying hi hopefully I don't get bashed. My name is Elle. This is our first baby together after 1 year of marriage,12 years of knowing each other.

[RedHawk08]

What was the statement that offended him so much it took half the year to object about?

[tojaz]

Agreeing with Red, would love to help, but need a lot more information.

[Iguanna]

Whatever it is this you did this man does not even respect his own kid in your belly. I'd say focus on your pregnancy for these weeks, stay calm and concentrate on being healthy and ready for the birth of your child. Do you have family to support you? Think ONLY of your baby honey, and after it's born you can think about your husband and his behavior.

[RedHawk08]

Your husband has a son arriving very soon.

 

I can only hope that his/her arrival may open his heart a little. Enough for him to see that resentment is a nasty cancer that destroys all that is good.

 

Forgiveness is not the weakness that our 21st century "Me, Myself & I" culture has made us believe.

Whatever has been said are just words that can be put behind you both, to move forward.

 

You didn't blind him, cut off an arm or leave him with something that can't be restored.

 

I don't care what you said to him.

A man that can put something above himself, is a man to respect.

[Yarrow]

Hi Elle.

 

I tried to send you a private message and it wouldn't let me. Can you enable private messages?

[Iguanna]

Hi Elle.

 

I tried to send you a private message and it wouldn't let me. Can you enable private messages?

 

She can't cause she is not established member.

[stillafool]

Wish we could help but we don't understand what you are asking or talking about because you didn't give enough information. Anyway, I hope it all works out for you.

[Dreamlala]

Hi, sorry everyone for being vague. I was up all night not sleeping and put myself in to pre-term labor. Just got home with doctors orders to take it easy.

The statement was "what are you doing?" asked while he started rubbing me in my sleep... I didnt mean anything by it. Honestly I was just exhausted and wanted to know why I was being awoken (it was my 1st trimester and sleep was all I wanted to do).

 

I don't even know what I'm asking... I cried on and off today. He text me throughout the day but everything has been to confirm we are done and ask about the baby. I have been really civil and hope to continue this way but I'm beyond devastated.

 

On Fridays lately we would just lie in bed and watch movies, instead I'm staying with my family in a loud house in a bottom bunk bed feeling completely claustrophobic and miserable. I miss my husband, and our family.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I still can't believe he went from being the one planning the baby, and camping trips, and schools to being the one saying he is "done with this". And now I feel like garbage for almost affecting my son. I am trying to focus only on him.

[Yarrow]

She can't cause she is not established member.

 

Well, that's unfortunate. Although I suspected it might be something like that.

 

Well, then my advice is going to be pretty generic.

 

1) Get a lawyer ASAP. Custody is going to be a big issue. You need to find out what you can do now to protect your baby.

2) I'm glad you have family in town. Let them take care of you.

3) If you didn't tell your doctor about this situation already, tell him/her now. You are at very high risk for post partum depression. You're probably depressed already. You need to get set up with a psychiatrist or a mental health team that specializes in post partum depression, sooner rather than later. In 5-6 weeks, your hormones undergo a major shift, you'll be sleep deprived, and you'll have a squalling infant on your hands and no understanding, loving husband to help you. Have your mental health resources lined up and ready to go beforehand.

 

Now, for the non-advice: The question you posed to him doesn't seem to merit the reaction that he's giving you. I suspect there's something else going on, like an affair, a mid-life crisis, "grass is greener syndrome" or something like that. He just doesn't want to admit it, so he's making something up.

 

Oh, and I want to add that although you will have times of great stress coming up, you should look forward to the birth of your son. When he is finally born, you will look into his eyes, and he will give you strength that you didn't know you had. Right now, you feel like your world is crumbling and your life is over, but this new life will be the most potent reminder that life really does go on. Once you experience being a mother, you will discover a love that surpasses anything you thought you felt for your husband. I promise you that. Congratulations on your son. I really do mean it.

Edited December 14, 2013 by Yarrow
Wanted to add the last paragraph.

[Dreamlala]

thank you so much, your post made me feel better. Fortunately I do have a really good medical plan and since I was supposed to go to work yesterday I called and they referred me to a therapist intake appt as urgent. I dont want that to be used against me for custody issues but I'm definitely no suicidal or wanting to hurt my baby which is what I think they would be concerned with.

 

I agree, I feel like there has to be something more, although the therapist did ask me if this type of break-up was "normal" for him and unfortunately it is, he did this with his ex-g/f and actually told me they NEVER fought other than one time and he never got over it. He kept saying that he's "not happy" anymore. I'm also talking about a guy who, at the age of 14 stopped talking to his little sister (12 yr old) because she didnt get him a cookie from the kitchen when he asked. He didnt speak to her for about 14 years and their relationship is still very strained over that.

 

I don't know why I expected things to be different. I think because for over a decade he professed undying love to me and he told me that for 12 years I had been his vision of the "Perfect girl". I even told him when we got married that there is no such thing as perfect and to not hold me up to that standard.

 

Bottom line is he said he felt rejected and to congratulate myself because I was the only person that had ever made him sick to his stomach from being hurt by someone's words.

 

I feel a little bit more stable now although my contractions haven't stopped. You're right I can't wait to see my sons beautiful eyes... I can't even IMAGINE what he will look like but I know I'm gonna think he's the cutest baby ever But I dont want to meet him for another 5-6 weeks because he needs to get chubby. My mom said to stop stressing him out because he will want to be born just to cheer me up, so I'm trying to find things to laugh at and things that cheer me up.

 

Sorry for the novel! And once again thanks!

[hinatticus]

Sorry this isn't really advice but if you're 8 and a half months pregnant shouldn't you be delivering your baby in 2 weeks? 9 months is usually when the baby pops out.

[Dreamlala]

Pregnancy month calculation is kinda tricky, as I'm learning now as a first time mom. I'm 8.5 months so in 2 weeks I'll begin my 9 months and then I have those 4 weeks to complete the 9 months. So all together about 6 weeks. Its easier in weeks, I'm 34 weeks.

[Yarrow]

thank you so much, your post made me feel better. Fortunately I do have a really good medical plan and since I was supposed to go to work yesterday I called and they referred me to a therapist intake appt as urgent. I dont want that to be used against me for custody issues but I'm definitely no suicidal or wanting to hurt my baby which is what I think they would be concerned with.

 

I posed the same question to my lawyer. His response was that if anything, it actually strengthens your case. Particularly because you are doing it before baby is born, which shows that you are being proactive and you are serious about making sure that you are healthy to take on the responsibilities of being a single mother.

 

Bottom line is he said he felt rejected and to congratulate myself because I was the only person that had ever made him sick to his stomach from being hurt by someone's words.

 

This is him trying to make you feel guilty for something he has done. My husband did the same thing to me for years and it wasn't until a month or so after he left that I finally clued in that he was doing it to me. It is a form of emotional abuse. If he's been pulling these kinds of shenanigans all along, don't expect him to stop. When he does this to you, and he will, just keep saying to yourself, "That is not my fault." or "I am not responsible for that." Just because he wants to put the blame onto you doesn't mean you have to take it on. If he leaves it at your feet, just choose not to pick it up and carry it. And a warning, he may want to reconcile with you once he calculates out how much child support he's going to have to pay or his family tells him what a jerk he's being. Whatever, you do, don't give in. You will regret it.

 

My mom said to stop stressing him out because he will want to be born just to cheer me up, so I'm trying to find things to laugh at and things that cheer me up.

 

Your mom sounds awesome! With loving support like that, you're going to be just fine in the long run.

[hinatticus]

Pregnancy month calculation is kinda tricky, as I'm learning now as a first time mom. I'm 8.5 months so in 2 weeks I'll begin my 9 months and then I have those 4 weeks to complete the 9 months. So all together about 6 weeks. Its easier in weeks, I'm 34 weeks.

 

 

Gotcha

 

Ya weeks is easier because there are more than 4 weeks in a month.

[tojaz]

Unfortunately, sounds like a familiar storyline

 

Has there been any interaction with him since all of this happened Elle? Phone calls, Dr. Visits for the baby? If so, how has that been? How had he been coping with being a new father as the date draws closer?

 

First year of marriage, first child, that's a lot of stress and a lot of changes in a very short time. Not everyone is able to deal with that in a healthy manner, especially people who tend to run when things get rough.

 

TOJAZ

[Dreamlala]

Yarrow, thanks so much for your kind words. It hurts so bad to feel like I made someone so miserable that they wouldn't even want to bring their child to their home from the hospital. Not even for a month. I honestly thought we were happy. I've been trying to focus on my baby, finding a new place, and moving on but I'm not going to lie. I've cracked a few times.

 

Tojaz, he's text me every day just random stuff like how I'm feeling, or to please not use the baby against him just because we didn't work out. To tell me it was his fault that I was having complications and to say he was sorry. To ask me if they took me off work already and then last night he text me to ask if I was feeling any better. I just stopped replying because I honestly can't stand to talk to him right now. I'm the type of person where I tear things off like a band-aid so for us to have a child on the way and me having to still talk to him its been sickening to me. Normally I would never text/ call/ speak to a guy again but now I feel like I have to

 

So, I have a question. My family is suggesting that I not name the baby after him (its not only his name but my favorite name) and that I not give the baby his last name or have him in the delivery room (he can be in the hospital just not with me in the delivery room). He accused me of preferring my mom in the delivery room instead of him the day he broke it off and I swear that is 100% not true! I actually wanted JUST him in there, not my mom and he swore I told him that I wanted him and my mom in there

 

It breaks my heart to do all the above. I love my baby's name and I changed my own last name to his so we would all have the same last name, now I plan to change mine back but I feel so sad to think my son won't have his last name either. What do I do?

 

I'm not a vindictive person, I don't even want child support ... I just wanted us to be happy. The money would be nice but I honestly don't need it. I make enough to support one child in a responsible manner and I don't want the money to be leverage for him to take my son from me.

 

Any ideas on the name/ delivery room thing? Has anyone ever given their kids the ex's last name only to regret it later?

[tojaz]

I would say that if you like the first name, then leave it. The last name is a little trickier to consider from outside your situation. Best advice would be to go with what feels right when the time comes. Same with the delivery room, he is still the father, so if you feel he should be a part of that then let him, regardless of family pressure. Recurring theme here is to do what is best for you right now.

 

TOJAZ

[runnerg]

Oh I am SO SORRY for what you are going thru. When I was pregnant with my first son, I left my husband because he was being abusive. Screaming, swearing at me and bullying me and being cruel.

 

He wrote me a nice letter, and showed up where I was staying, saying he couldnt live without me and wanted to be with me and our child. Nearly 4 years later, he has completely reverted back to being abusive, controlling and cruel. I am now planning my exit, which is a lot more complicated than it was 4 yrs ago. I regret with every fiber of my being going back to him when he grovelled.

 

Please take care of yourself and your baby. Im sorry for what your going thru, but my advice is if this is the type of person he is, he wont change, you are best to move on and focus on your son and your family who is supporting you..

[Yarrow]

Dreamlala, your story sounds so much like mine it's uncanny. I won't presume to say that I know exactly what you are going through, but I do believe that I have some insight into the kinds of feelings that you might have to deal with.

 

Regarding your delivery, I have to say that your birth experience is highly personal and also very stressful. And this will be your first time. There is absolutely no place in a delivery room for anyone who is not 100% supportive of you and that you expect to be a 100% positive presence. I leave it up to you to judge whether your husband is such a person, but let that be your deciding factor. I actually think you already know the answer, but it's hard to admit it. Fortunately, labor and delivery nurses are the most fiercely protective nurses on the planet. If you tell them you your husband makes your sad, stressed, or uncomfortable, they will make sure he stays away, even if they have to chase him out.

 

Now, here are some of the feelings I recall. One of the hardest days for me was going on the hospital tour. There were loving couples hand in hand, the husbands so affectionate, so excited. And I remember being there all by myself, thinking, "Why does the woman in front of me and the woman behind me and the woman next to me deserve love and not me? What have I done in this life or a previous life that was so terrible that I don't deserve what they have?" Truth: I deserve love as much as anybody else. I didn't get it from my husband, and that's not my fault. But I have many people who do love me. In the early days, I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt that by not being able to convince him to stay with me, that I had somehow given up on my marriage, which was a moral failing on my part. I felt like a "ruined woman" that no one would want to associate with. I actually felt that there was so much tragedy and shame around my circumstances that it was bad luck for other people to be around me. None of that is true. It's been heartening how my friends and family have rallied around me. I had girlfriends offering to fly across the country on the off chance that I might happen to deliver for the one week they were here. I have people constantly telling me how strong and amazing I am. There is only one person during this whole ordeal who has been trying to heap blame onto me, and that is my STBX, but after a certain point, once I shook the fog away, his opinion as to my value as a person no longer really mattered to me. Listen to runnerg. If you go back now, he'll only do it to you again.

[Dreamlala]

I'm glad you realize you are worthy of love yarrow! I had to come back to stay here till I can find something but it is strictly as friends. I know friends don't do this but I really had no choice. He's been nice , I know he feels guilty and he still wants to file for divorce as early as tomorrow. I do have a lot of those feelings you mention of why me? And am I really that bad??