PainforGain Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 What an awful night for me last night....I am separated from my wife now 1 month. She turned the switch pretty fast ...made it her mission to get me out of our new home. I left of course thinking that seperation will allow her to think.....well now I have been doing the NC the best that I can...but I am starting to think that there is someone else in the picture. I want to break nc and try and get it out of her..but I know I shouldn't .... For the women out there, wouldn't you want to let the spouse know so that he could move on? Link to post Share on other sites
RedHawk08 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 I have lived what you are doing for 9 months now. NC isn't going to alter your situation in the slightest. It's WHAT your contact is about, is what will make the difference. Some here may recommend exposure. That can work for some, but it is a gamble. An explosive one too. What makes you think there is a OP? Link to post Share on other sites
RedHawk08 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 There is no way she will tell you if she hasn't dome already. The only way they will tell you there is someone else is if they are 100% certain they won't come back or they need to burn their bridges. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PainforGain Posted December 13, 2013 Author Share Posted December 13, 2013 Your right she will never let me know. The reason for OP is because this is the second time she has pulled the switch so fast. First time was in 2010. Than we got back together. Got married 2013 February . So it's only been 10 months since marriage..... Last night when driving home at 2 am I noticed her car not there. ( she lives same street as my best friend...that's why we originally built home there) Anyhow I thought to myself where would she be sleeping on a Thursday night ..... Now of course that's me thinking the worst..... Link to post Share on other sites
littlejaz Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 What an awful night for me last night....I am separated from my wife now 1 month. She turned the switch pretty fast ...made it her mission to get me out of our new home. I left of course thinking that seperation will allow her to think.....well now I have been doing the NC the best that I can...but I am starting to think that there is someone else in the picture. I want to break nc and try and get it out of her..but I know I shouldn't .... For the women out there, wouldn't you want to let the spouse know so that he could move on? In my opinion, once they have made the decision to cheat, they no longer care about your feelings or well being. And since most cheaters shift the blame onto their BS, they figure you deserve the torment they cause you. Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 My wife lied lied and lied but I knew in my gut there was something wrong. I found out through phone records. IF you really want to know that is probably a good starting point. Then if you pin point the # and who it is tell her you had the SMS records pulled and know everything. Sometimes you have to lie to get them to come clean. Otherwise you'll be lied to over and over again until you start to get satisfied with the answers but know in the back of your head there are things that are off beat. Like many had said here before. once that starts unraveling it's like you get this sixth sense. I've unraveled a lot in my marriage in the pas couple months. Things that I thought my wife was not capable of doing. The person I married and gave my love to and did the ultimate betrayal. Good luck, I really hope there is not another person involved in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 For the women out there, wouldn't you want to let the spouse know so that he could move on? If there is another man out there, then she has been lying to you and doesn't care or respect your feelings at all. Her mission would have been to have her guy on the side plus you at home taking care of everything else. So no, it's not often cheating spouses want to come clean just for your benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
RedHawk08 Posted December 13, 2013 Share Posted December 13, 2013 Learn by my recent mistakes here, and you'll do fine. The ONLY way to stop your partner continuing their affair is to SHOW that you are the better person. You already have a head start on that because you are NOT the kind of scumbag that moves in on someone's spouse during times of marital discord. He has or is doing something that your wife can't find in you at this point. IF you can forgive this act (we do all make mistakes in life that are difficult to stop or change sometimes), you then need to work on a plan of action fast. Although there are times I wanted to beat the OM to an unrecognisable pulp, that will not help. Remove this idea from your head. (If he is married, inform his wife and let her do it.) Chances are it's down to Respect. A woman can't love a man she doesn't look up to in some way. You seriously need to address this. I fell down for a while trying to please everyone but myself, ran into money troubles and I lost pride because my wife was carrying me emotionally and financially for a year or two. That cost me my wife's respect. You can't focus all on the wife and OM. You can't stop them, you can control you 100%. Ask yourself what areas YOU have been lacking in. Address those f*ckers fast! Whatever you do, don't TELL her. SHOW her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Learn by my recent mistakes here, and you'll do fine. The ONLY way to stop your partner continuing their affair is to SHOW that you are the better person. You already have a head start on that because you are NOT the kind of scumbag that moves in on someone's spouse during times of marital discord. He has or is doing something that your wife can't find in you at this point. IF you can forgive this act (we do all make mistakes in life that are difficult to stop or change sometimes), you then need to work on a plan of action fast. Although there are times I wanted to beat the OM to an unrecognisable pulp, that will not help. Remove this idea from your head. (If he is married, inform his wife and let her do it.) Chances are it's down to Respect. A woman can't love a man she doesn't look up to in some way. You seriously need to address this. I fell down for a while trying to please everyone but myself, ran into money troubles and I lost pride because my wife was carrying me emotionally and financially for a year or two. That cost me my wife's respect. You can't focus all on the wife and OM. You can't stop them, you can control you 100%. Ask yourself what areas YOU have been lacking in. Address those f*ckers fast! Whatever you do, don't TELL her. SHOW her. My goodness this is a good piece of advice. This forum (and most relationship forums) are big on being knee-jerk against infidelity. I totally get that, but unfortunately it rarely helps a person in the situation. There are three reasons why people are not truthful with their partners. 1) The liar is an untruthful person. 2) The lied to has not established a reasonable environment for honesty. 3) Some combination of 1 and 2. (no judgement here, just how life is). If you can honestly say that 1 is the case and you have not contributed to 2 then why do you want to stay with an untruthful person? If it is some combination of 1 and 2 then focus on correcting 2. The basic assumption with wanting to work on a relationship with infidelity is that there are things to change. It takes an amazing amount of grace to work through that, but it's not always for naught. If it is 2, well there's little chance of one accepting that and so there is little hope. Find where you fall. Fix the things you can if they need fixing. If it's not on you then have the self-respect to move on. The above being said, it's never someone's fault when a partner cheats if a reasonable expectation of fidelity has been established. But, it happens. A lot. How you address it is often as much a measure of your character as how you expected it in the first place. Best of luck to you OP. Link to post Share on other sites
RedHawk08 Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 I have recently admitted to my estranged wife that I was aware of her contact with the OM from the start. That I forgave her for her actions a long time ago. By doing that, I had hoped that she may have nothing to hide and stop rewriting history due to guilt. I have also offered to start divorce proceedings as I have the grounds. I can't recommend that as at nearly a week since I have yet to recieve a reply. I'm not certain it was the right thing to do. I just thought it worth a shot as the separate lives and mixed messages of her actions aren't helping me much. Link to post Share on other sites
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