cheated on in a big way..don't know what to do...??

[Philmaximus]

Hi guys,

6 months ago, i met the most amazing girl, who was just coming out of a difficult 5year relationship, which i helped her through in a gentleman-like manner. We knew we liked eachother and i helped her from being trapped and helped her mentally to be free from all the pain and hurt.

Thereafter, we both couldn't hide our feelings and over the last 2 months, have shared the most amazin time together in eachother's company. life really could not of been better, and we soon knew we were in love with one another and we had everything, not one aspect could be better.

From being in a couple of deep relationships before, i know that i am not being naive to the feelings we have, they are true, and better than anything. (were)

However, last week, her ex came ova one evening to return and pick up some things, and he trapped her, and acted like everything she had ever wanted out of their relationship, and tricked her into spending the night together.

I was told (by her) the morning after, and have been absolutely devastated over this xmas period, i've hardly been able to breath or do anything.

She has been the same, and could not feel any worse about what happened, and so realises what she's done and is frightened that she's lost me, and now realises what i meant to her.

My dilemma, is my battle between my head and my heart. my heart doesn't want to lose the fantastic time we shared, but my morals and dignity are also fighting to say no.

She knows that she only wants me, but is it too late now... i don't want to lose her, and trust her (Where i wouldn't usually) that she is so sorry and believe it can make her a better person for me.. but don't know what to d, i don't want to be weak, but don't want to lose her, I do love her, and I know and she does now that she loves me too and doesn’t wan to be without me… she’s so sorry….

What should I do…..?

[Merin]

While I believe it's a good thing that she was honest about what happend.. I also think it's sh*tty for her to say she was "tricked" or "trapped" into this.. UNLESS she was forced into it.. then yeah..

 

So the responsibility IMO is with her..

 

What to do now.. thats all you.. IF you wish to stay with her and try to rebuild the trust then more power to you.. sit down and have a conversation with her regarding what will make this better for you so the two of you can move past it.

[_Saffy_]

of course she loves you now, she was used by her ex, and now hes gone, and your still there.

 

logic is telling you to dump her, but ya not going to, so theres no point listening to it.

 

take some time out to work out how you feel, a month or so, and then if she still wants you, and if you still want her then start again.

[Teag]

I was in a similiar situation a feew years ago except I was in your girlfriends shoes.

Let me tell you my story then you decide.

My ex & I had broke up & I was with my now husband, he "rescued" me from my ex who was mentally abusive & had a tight hold on me. He showed me that there where "good" guys out there & I could do better & desearved it. Well he still had a few things of mine including a tax return check that came in the mail for me at his address so I went over there one night to pick it up by myself(my first mistake) I got over there & he was real nice & loving towards me, telling me how much he missed me & loved me blah blah blah & I ended up sleeping with him. I still loved him, its hard to just let go of someone you once loved even if they are abusive. I I told my now husband about it, he of course was pissed & didn't talk to me for about a week(but didn't break up) Then he came back to me & told me that we could work on this. We talked about it & he forgave me. & I am so glad he did b/c now we are happily married w/ a 2 yr old little girl & I haven't seen or spoke to my ex since that night.

 

So if she is really sorry then give her another chance as long as it doesn't happen again I would trust her b/c like I said it is hard to just let go. Good Luck

[Cecelius]

I don't think she is mentally stable enough for you to be involved with. I mean, c'mon, the guy came over one night and convinced her to have sex with him? Your dignity is already in trash can.

 

I don't think she's evil or should be judged, she's just kind of... pathetic. Are you in charge of saving all the people in the world with weak egos?

[Philmaximus]

thanx for your help guys, i know the replies are mixed but its good to get ideas from different angles.

 

merlin, sorry i meant she was tricked in the way that her ex who she;d been with from the age of 14 (now 20) came round and gave her all the affection, desire and want that she neva had. and it messed her head up and she didn't know what to do and f'ucked up... but she was still in her right mind and knew what she was doing at the time..

 

saffy...it sounds like u know what i'm gonna do b4 i do???? when the ex left, and as soon as anything happened, she knew that she had no more feelings for him and was over him... but i still don't think she should of done that to find out..... esp when she had everything off of me

 

and.. BabyBluAngel wow.. its interesting hearin about someone who has gone through what i am doin,... even though you were the one that did wrong... i appreciate what your saying. what were the reasons behind your now husband comin back to you.. and has it worked since... has he coped ok...without feeling like he lost his dignity or a fool (if you understand me)... and was he able to believe your words of affection and love towards him..without them seeming hollow, as i'm scared that everything she told me before , how much she cared for me etc.. won't or can't mean that anymore, when she could say them and then do what she did......

 

time maybe is the key..... ?

[katrin_k]

I agree that you should wait a month or two without doing anything. If you just take her back, you'll look weak, and later in the relationship, she might think it would be okay to do something similar again.

 

I would tell her that you understand her situation, and forgive her, but that you're breaking it off for a specific amount of time, and that if she wants to have an exclusive faithful relationship with you after that, to come back and then you'll start over and leave the past in the past.

 

As a young woman who dated the same person from age 14 to 21, I can see how she could make a mistake like that. But I think that if I'd done the same thing, and my new boyfriend took me back immediately, I wouldn't respect him as much. You can show her that you still love her, but you can't take being treated that way if you want to be respected as a man. She'll come back knowing not to mess up again or she'll lose a good man. If she keeps messing with the other guy in the meantime, she doesn't deserve you. If she's truly sorry and loves you, she'll accept the month thing, and you should make it clear that you'll wait faithfully and won't see other people for that amount of time, but no longer.

 

She might be a really great person, and I don't mean anything by this, but don't let her lead you on, if it seems she's really having trouble deciding between you and the high school boyfriend. People, being creatures of habit- I just mean it's a strong thing. I ended up getting married to the high school boyfriend even though he was a jerk, just because it felt safer than trying new things. I kept having other boyfriends before that, but was always drawn back to him, and they'd get hurt. Hopefully, it's nothing like that.

 

But if she's really sorry, and really able to "divorce" from him, it could all be worth it., obviously. You need to make sure.

[Teag]

He was very upset, we weren't at a point in our relationship where we were too serious yet, we had only been together for about 2 weeks or so.I had also not known him for very long.(my ex's cousin introduced us) I was completely honest with him & told him everything which I think helped alot. I still loved my ex & he said all the right things to me & I was naive enough to believe him. You do stupid things when you love someone. But my now H helped me through it. We later broke up for a while & got back together & have been happy since. There's alot more to it than that but we now have a strong relationship. I wouldn't give him up for the world. We don't have a fairy tale life by any means & I don't want you to think we dont ever argue b/c we do & we try to work things out. We've even broke up for a few months. (later in the relationship for different reasons) Hang in there if she truely means what she said then hang in there. ask her to stay away from him & if she can't or won't then you'll know where she stands. Good Luck

[RowanRavyn]

I think the pattern here is what is disturbing.

 

It takes a while to get over someone who has been in your life for such a long period of time. Jumping from relationship to relationship doesn't give you time to grieve, and work out what really happened. It covers up all the lessons you may have to learn.

 

This is even more true in abusive relationships.

 

It appears that you care about her, and it appears that she has had any doubts of her own batted down. But I do think a little time apart would be healthy. After all do you simply want to be the plug in replacement, or the man of her dreams?