Sabotaged my self... Deep deep pain

[Mr me to]

I've just broke every rule set my recover back months and gave all power and self respect to my ex... I need to get my life together but don't know where or how to start HELP PLEASE !!!

 

So my ex broke her leg so I offered to help with our children, which resulted in me staying their with her for two nights. I went straight back into family mode seen it as a chance at reconciliation but obviously read the signs wrong. I've been running around and taking care of her. Seen this as a opportunity to make amends for mistakes I made in our relationship and it's completely back fired. I got drunk with her and had a conversation which should of remained out of bounds..

 

I now know she is dating. Having sex with others and basically living it large on weekends when I have kids. I tried to come onto her and basically got banished to the kids bedroom. I feel like a total idiot. Basically I was in bed with our son while she's in adjoining room texting another man. This break up has killed me I'm suffering from clinical depression and paranoia. I even accused my best mate of sleeping with her. He now not answering calls so have lost his support. Seems I'm so easy to abandon, literally I have no one or nothing I've lost my job, my house and all hope of life..

 

I've gone from having a gorgeous gf a great family home and 2 beautiful children to a broke 30 year old only seeing children on weekends and sleeping on parents sofa. Even my ex has told me to start dating and seeing people. 6 years and she's wiped me out in less than 3 months. How do I go on? How do I start my life again from scratch? I have no interest in anything but obsessing about her..

 

It's even worse now my worse fears have been confirmed, got it straight from the horses mouth. To top it of its Christmas

Edited December 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grumpybutfun]

Mr me to:

Christmas can be very hard for break-ups. I know that it hurts to get the brush off from your ex, but consider it a gift. Now that you know there is no future, you can focus on getting yourself to where you want to be...join a gym, figure out what job you would like, pay attention to your children and make sure they feel secure with you out of their house, and remember that since you had them, it isn't starting over from scratch. You have little people who love you and want to see their dad happy and healthy. Is there anyone you can speak to about how you are feeling? Maybe a rabbi, priest, mentor, counselor, etc.? You really need support right now.

Good luck,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

Don't beat yourself up too bad. You were there for your kids while their mom was incapacitated. That makes you an awesome dad. Focus on that aspect of the experience.

 

Learn from this in that you shouldn't get drunk with your EX. It simply causes problems & heartache.

[Mr me to]

Thanks for the replies guys...

 

This is going to sound strange but I can't seem to separate my children mentally from my ex. They are my world and I love them so much but they remind me so much of what I've lost... I only really become alive on weekends when I have them. But this is tainted by the fact I know while I'm having children my ex is out with her new acquaintances. I have to have contact when The children are collected and this is so hard any progress I've made during the week is lost and I start from square one every Monday. Any suggestion on how to maintain NC when kids are involved? Seeing them less is not an option. This week myself and the ex attended my 5 year olds Christmas. Play together and I realised a lot of my issues at the moment stem from the guilt I feel towards my children not having their family together for Christmas.

 

Grumpy .. I have a few people I have been talking too but am feeling like I'm a major downer for them at the moment. I have a job interview next week part of that is a presentation and I just can't get my head into it. I feel exhausted and just don't have the will to start my life from scratch, it's like I'm carrying a black cloud... As for learning my lesson yes I have but I'm such a impulsive little bitch at the moment that I fear I will have another bright idea that I will play through in my mind and will lead to reconciliation. Honestly it's like I have lost self control. I imagine there is a magic key or string of words that I haven't found yet that will convince and show her that she really can't live without me, delusional I know... I feel real unstable at the mo.

Want to share just one thing when I first met my ex I was a typical lad sleeping about ect ect. My ex changed that she always spoke about forever and unconditional love blah blah anyway I seem to have bought into that and she is now the "it's only sex" one. Like we've traded places. When I was around her I felt like giving her a shake and making her relies it's me the man she loves

Major denial... Anyways gonna try and muster some strength and fight the temptation to contact... I've wrote poems, letters, sent pictures, flowers ect ect need to stop now...

[Mr me to]

It's like flood gates have opened and I can't stop writing..

Does anyone experience a paranoia where they think everyone knows who your ex is with and what they upto, like your some running joke? or is it just me? I mean I walk through town and start thinking is that him, about random blokes. Messed up beyond all belief my head is... I'm just not this wingey obsessive person it's like my minds been tool over by that of tampon

Edited December 13, 2013 by Mr me to

[eric85]

If it helps I am in the EXACT same boat your in, in fact some of the things you write are scary because I can relate so much. I'm trying to figure out a way to keep the nc going with children involved. Everytime we talk I am right back to square one. It has been almost 3 months for me now, she has another bf she doesn't mind telling me about. She tried to tell me how much she still loves me and how she is going to leave him, but she never does, they just want to keep us on the back burner so they can come back if **** doesn't work out for them and its so messed up to do, but I'm done with the games, I'm going to do Nc best I can with children involved and keep conversations very breif.

[Shaine]

You can do this op. Work on yourself, find a job, move on. She wont take you back if you are a mess. Once you have healed and become a better person, she might see you in a better light. If not, im sure someone new will notice you and you can date again. You will realize why it didnt work out with your ex. You will realize that you deserve someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. Make her regret leaving you.

[Mr me to]

Right...

I was in a dark place yesterday... I had literally just got home from my exes.

Today I have relised she just doesn't care. If she did she'd have rang me, she knew I was in pain yesterday. I really do have to accept she not the same person I built a life with and stop putting her on a pedistal. I need to focus on my self and my children and that starts with getting a job and a new home. All the worrying about who she with and what she doing. Is pointless, even in worse case scenario I'm not going to feel any worse than I do now. I smoked some cannabis last night which I normally wouldn't do in this state of mind but it helped me relies that the only way to fight the paranoia is to stop contact and and more importantly stop caring. I don't approve with the life she is living with the excess drinking but understand she isn't my responsibility any more. Even when we where in the relationship her drinking was a issue for me. I went through so many difficult situations because of it. I was always there for her and forgave her now she has to deal with the consequences of her actions alone. I do think when you have children together you take on more of the role of protector. This is what I'm finding difficult to give up. But that's just me as a person I am loyal and caring traits she doesn't deserve.

 

No more the laughing stock I'm stopping drinking and smoking after Christmas the money I save will go towards a gym membership, I have just enrolled on a online CBT course and downloaded a couple of dealing with break up books. End of the day it's all about self respect it's like I gave her all mine now it's time to claim it back and gain some control over my life, F**k it...

 

Thanks Shaine you spot on all I'm doing is proving her right by being like this, I'll make the selfish bitch relies the grass isn't greener...

 

Eric how old are your children and how long where you with your ex for and how long have you been seperated ? Mine are 4 and 5 so it's next to impossible to contact them without having to go through her. I have asked for a set time each night so the children to ring me but she never kept it up. So I would have to ring her first. There must be some solution to make it easier. I don't want to be the weekend father but ringing her everyday to speak to them is a killer...

Stay strong bro I feel your pain...

[eric85]

Right...

I was in a dark place yesterday... I had literally just got home from my exes.

Today I have relised she just doesn't care. If she did she'd have rang me, she knew I was in pain yesterday. I really do have to accept she not the same person I built a life with and stop putting her on a pedistal. I need to focus on my self and my children and that starts with getting a job and a new home. All the worrying about who she with and what she doing. Is pointless, even in worse case scenario I'm not going to feel any worse than I do now. I smoked some cannabis last night which I normally wouldn't do in this state of mind but it helped me relies that the only way to fight the paranoia is to stop contact and and more importantly stop caring. I don't approve with the life she is living with the excess drinking but understand she isn't my responsibility any more. Even when we where in the relationship her drinking was a issue for me. I went through so many difficult situations because of it. I was always there for her and forgave her now she has to deal with the consequences of her actions alone. I do think when you have children together you take on more of the role of protector. This is what I'm finding difficult to give up. But that's just me as a person I am loyal and caring traits she doesn't deserve.

 

No more the laughing stock I'm stopping drinking and smoking after Christmas the money I save will go towards a gym membership, I have just enrolled on a online CBT course and downloaded a couple of dealing with break up books. End of the day it's all about self respect it's like I gave her all mine now it's time to claim it back and gain some control over my life, F**k it...

 

Thanks Shaine you spot on all I'm doing is proving her right by being like this, I'll make the selfish bitch relies the grass isn't greener...

 

Eric how old are your children and how long where you with your ex for and how long have you been seperated ? Mine are 4 and 5 so it's next to impossible to contact them without having to go through her. I have asked for a set time each night so the children to ring me but she never kept it up. So I would have to ring her first. There must be some solution to make it easier. I don't want to be the weekend father but ringing her everyday to speak to them is a killer...

Stay strong bro I feel your pain...

 

 

I have a two year old with her and she also has a 4yr old that I raised with her since a baby as my own because that guy was a complete loser and had no part in her life. We have been seperated almost 3 months now. I've decided to hold strong and only call when I absolutely have to like tomorrow morning when I'm on the way to drop my daughter off. She usually likes to call and have just daily conversations but none of that is going to happen anymore. She left me for another guy and destroyed our family so now she can live with that. I know the day will come when she realizes how bad she messed up and I won't be there. These last few months have brought me to a low I never imagined possible, I don't know if I'll ever recover from this, its been hell to say the least.

[Mr me to]

Dude we are more or less in the exact same situation and it's ****. Thought we would grow old and raise our family together. Never doubted it for a second. We got through some major things during our six years together and she walked out over something so trivial. But still never expected it to be the end, still don't 100% believe it... I just can't imagine myself with anyone else !

 

Real ****ty day today removed some more stuff from our old home and came across old birthday and Christmas cards, love letters to each other and family photo albums. Felt like ending it there and then. The thought of 6 years of life together fitting in the back of my van disgusts me. I don't want to nor have I the energy to start again... Constantly overcome withe guilt and regrets. If only, if only, If only... But doubt she even thinks of me at all. It's uncomfortably close to Christmas now to. Majorly depressed today. Life is ****

[wwobuk]

Listen brother. You and I are going through the exact same thing. Literally!!!!!

Why do I still hold out hope even though she has treated me like dirt. I have no idea. But, like you, I delved in to what life is like now she has gone. 7 years down the drain with not a inclining of missing me or anything. I thought we had the perfect marriage. She left me for a man 26 years older then her. I just cant get how someone can have an on off switch with emotions like that. Sometimes I can only really think of one way to end the pain. Even with kids. What use is a father who is constantly destroyed, crying and devastated to them. I know you relate to this as your story is my story. 3 months now and it was supposed to get easier. Just knowing she is with someone, loving them, cuddling then, laughing with them. It kills me.

[AnyaNova]

Listen brother. You and I are going through the exact same thing. Literally!!!!!

Why do I still hold out hope even though she has treated me like dirt. I have no idea. But, like you, I delved in to what life is like now she has gone. 7 years down the drain with not a inclining of missing me or anything. I thought we had the perfect marriage. She left me for a man 26 years older then her. I just cant get how someone can have an on off switch with emotions like that. Sometimes I can only really think of one way to end the pain. Even with kids. What use is a father who is constantly destroyed, crying and devastated to them. I know you relate to this as your story is my story. 3 months now and it was supposed to get easier. Just knowing she is with someone, loving them, cuddling then, laughing with them. It kills me.

 

Listen to this. Listen hard and listen good!

 

One of my friends in junior high lost her father when she was about 13 years old. It destroyed her and really messed up her life.

 

Another of my friends lost her mother to cancer when she was in eighth grade. Last I knew, she was with an abusive jerk who she married, I think, to avoid being alone when her father finally passed away from his Cerebral Palsy.

 

I loosely know a couple of others who lost their fathers or mothers.

 

NONE OF THEM DID WELL. It screwed up their lives really badly. And in all cases, the death's were not intentional. Can you imagine the devastation if you intentionally took your life.

 

Your kids would much rather have their father, their daddy, around. Even if he is a crying wreck most of the time. Even if they can't understand why very well (depending on ages). Even if you feel weak, they feel much stronger with you in their lives (even if you feel weak) than they do without. Do not even begin to imagine that you would be doing them any favors. You wouldn't be.

 

Please understand, I'm not trying to guilt trip you or make you feel worse. I just want you to understand the extreme damage that would be done to your children. You can handle this. You will handle this. For them. And the more time you spend with them and remembering that they are what is important, the faster you will be able to move on and recover.

[Mr me to]

Wwobuk

You right we are going through the same thing my ex is spending her time with a 19 year old soldier... Don't know how old your ex was when she had children but mine seems to be going through some sort of mid life crisis at 25. Think she is living the life she missed because of children. One day she will relise she's ****ed up... The previous poster is correct. Don't even think like that bro. Imagine the issues your children would face knowing there father didn't love then enough to stick about... And I'm not judging you ive thought the same thing. Having another ****ty day. I want to speak to my kids put don't want to hear her voice and even if she doesn't answer I start obsessing about why not and who she's with... I've got no advice or answers for either of us man. We just got to keep going at the moment getting out of bed is an achievement for me. Just been to docs and been given anti depressants. Feel week as **** but willing to try anything. Just need to keep away from the drink takes me somewhere dark. Bro I've added you as a contact on here, can't figure out how to pm if you can send me your email got a few ebooks I can forward and it'll be good to talk to someone who knows how it is.

Peace

[Da Lonely 1]

I know the feeling. Kind of. When my ex who is a C-U-N-T used me and I had her [broken] iPod with me in plain sight, it would remind me of her previous crap. Now your ex may have moved on, going by what you said. However, this situation really must suck for you. I hope you don't worry too much about Christmas being ruined. To most people, it's just 'another day' anyway. Although it does seem rotten if you really want an Xmas spent with your ex and kids. Maybe you should try talking to her.

[wwobuk]

Contact me through thejadedphoenix.wordpress.com. You will be shocked at how similar our stories are. I have some vids in the September archives which you will relate to. Think we should chat as the similarities are scary.

[Mr me to]

I will email you tonight bro... couple of songs that are speaking to me at the moment...

 

Eminem - Bad Guy [HD & Lyrics] - YouTube

 

Eminem - Stronger Than I Was [HD & Lyrics] - YouTube

[Haydn]

Listen, practical stuff first. Get legal advice if you have to regarding your access to your kids. Make sure you get a new job. It will go down well if you need legal advice. Forget your ex. She is the mother of your kids but as far as you and her are concerned you are not a family to her anymore, just your kids. Put them first they need you much much more than you think. If you do something stupid they will not forgive you. Move on, start going out yourself and meeting people. Post here when you you feel weak. You are not alone. Keep going mate.

[Mr me to]

I'll check it out now mate.

 

Just realised my ex done most of the talking and family stuff. For the past 7 years I haven't had to build and maintain a relationship with any one other than my wife and children...

[Mr me to]

Ulterior motives. My ex is treating me like a child minder offering to give me money to have kids. Acting like she so concerned about them missing me when all she really concerned with is being to go away with her new bf... Informed me she going to be away when I am having them... Kills me being used so she can shun her responsibilities really wish I could go fully no contact. It's impossible to heal when I know what she is doing... Arrrggghhh

[Mr me to]

Done it again. The ex picked the kids up tonight. Overcome with anger I sent her a nasty text. Received one back basically saying what she does is none of my business. I crumbled replied apologising then no response so sent another declaring my un dying love and how we belong together blah blah blah. No reply. Why am I so weak? I'm going to have to arrange for someone else to collect and drop off kids. This co parenting relationship is a disaster... Am sick to death

[SYLLPalmer]

I feel sad for you and I relate. I myself am taking my own medicine for the first time and I am literally devastated. It is an ego thing. Primarily.

 

There are a lot of ****ed homes out there. I came from a "broken home" but I never thought it broken. My dad, we were never close, but he gave me my strength while driving me nuts. Why because he was a busy body. I couldn't get him out of my hair. The man was impervious to depression. Where as I, like my mother, am not. My mom 40 years late still cannot forgive my father and he is dead. She is a fool and she stubborn.

 

You choose what you fixate on. You would rather assume Christmas sucks because it is not standard. You are wrong and that is lazy. (Sorry ) These are children. Little sponges. Take them miniature golfing and go out for spare ribs on a Wednesday night or whatever. And if you do that on Saturday when you ex is doing her thing ...... progress.

 

Give and you will receive.

 

Practically speaking you might benefit from a little old fashioned medical care. Go see your doc and tell him you are feeling a little down due to the divorce and take what he gives you. Talk to the pharmacist if you have side effects. It vacuums the dark cloud.

 

Meanwhile you must manufacture natural endorphins. Aerobic activity. I posted here today on another string about my less than perfect attempt to generate natural endorphins. I am not going to blow chunks anymore (unless I chose a cigarette over dinner:sick:)

 

These people are wise and a good source of support.

 

Your friend: If you said to your friend "OMG dude I am fool plz forgive" and your friend ignores then your friend is a dick. Did you appropriately apologize?

Send him flowers if you have to. Whatever cracks the ice.

 

You are a sweet man. Don't be hard on yourself for fishing for her love. Your own medicine makes you do it. It is all perspective and you can change how you see things and how you are seen. Good things are coming. :bunny:Peace.

[JDPT]

Dust yourself off. No need to dwell on mistakes, simply learn from them and know you can make better decisions later on down the line. You are only responsible for your kids only, what occurs to her is luckily out of your range. You no longer have to worry about her, you no longer have to worry about the past. Pick yourself up and move forward.

[Mr me to]

So thought I'd add my Christmas experience to my little online diary. Got through Christmas Day with little contact. Christmas night received numerous calls and texts from my drunk ex basically telling me how much she hates me. Had the kids Boxing Day, she collected them this morning lied about where she stayed as she got to mine faster than it is possible if she came from her mums and she had a tent in the boot of her car asked her about it lied again and said it was a present from her mum if it was it wouldn't of been in her car. Anyway funny thing is my friend who I'm not speaking too lives in the same town as me and is into camping. So now I'm obsessing again about whether my initial assumptions were correct. I know I sound crazy and that's because that's how I feel. Every time I see her I loose it. Why can't I let it go? I feel like who she is with and what she's doing is something I need to solve! I'm a freak, next having kids New Year's Eve after she manipulated me into doing so... Actually wanted to have them but I know she's so concerned about me doing so as she got plans with who ever she is with.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Mr me to

[scorpio1978]

OP, as a female, I can tell you, there is nothing more unattractive than a man reduced to shreds who is miserable, depressed, and crying all the time. I am not saying this to be hurtful, because I feel so badly for you, but I am saying this to tell you that you absolutely have no choice but to pull yourself together, get a job and get your confidence back. Only then, when you can hold your head up high and feel good about yourself again can you ever move on enough to not look at her and be rubble.

 

 

What is attractive is a man who is self-assured, confident, and honestly....a little indifferent. What I mean by this is that you need to be a challenge again. Look your best, get some new clothes, be nice, but not too nice, don't engage her much, make it strictly business-like for the kids and make her wonder what you are doing and where you are spending your time. You see how crazy it is that there is so much unknown with her and what she is doing, etc.? Flip the switch. Get your power back.

 

 

I cannot say that any of these things will get her back and the way she treats you is crappy, so I hope you find someone who treats you better, but what I can say is that you will come off looking a heck of a lot better and will no longer be her toy.

 

 

You are very hurt right now and that is understandable. You will look back at your behavior and feel like a dummy for being so, as you say "weak". You just need to go through the motions of grieving. Wait til the angry stage comes. I like that one better. I personally am much more motivated when angry.

 

 

Stop beating yourself up! You sound lovely. She is the a**hole here. and please stop apologizing to her for stuff. You have not a thing to be sorry for!

[Mr me to]

Thank you Scorpio you are spot on...

 

I've figured out my main problem is I'm constantly ruminating about her. It's like there is nothing else in my head except for her. At any one point I'm trying to figure out one of three things. Where I went wrong and what I could of done differant, how I can get her back and the one that is constant at the moment, who she is with, do I know them, do they know me, what she sees in someone else that she didn't in me . It's like I can't really start living because I'm so concerned about what she is doing. I need to find something so immersive I don't think of her at all problem is I can't concentrate on anything else.