Author Mr me to Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Glad to hear your getting better man. I'm still in a very deep, dark, lonely place. I enjoy reading your posts though because I can relate so much to how your feeling and what your going through. New years eve I hooked up with a good looking woman which helped me for a few days but then it was back to thinking about her. I just miss and love her so much and my family together but I also know she doesn't care 1 bit so I have to move on its my only option. Keep up the good work though I'm glad your doing better Cheers mate, thanks for the encouragement. It really is just a case of realising you have no control over other people, what they do who they do it with just isn't our concern anymore. Like you I miss my family unit to death and would do anything to get them back. But it's out of my hands and as corny as it sounds I've handed it over to a higher power. Just try and focus on yourself and things that are within your power. I'm by no means out of the woods, just trying to weather the storm. Guess if you pretend your coping for long enough eventually your mind will begin to believe it, I hope so anyway... Stay strong man if you can hook up with a looker when your feeling at a all time low imagine what you can achieve after you've rebuilt yourself. Edited January 20, 2014 by Mr me to 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 She has sent me a message confirming my worst nightmare, she is and has been seeing my oldest friend. they apparently just couldn't fight it. Link to post Share on other sites
eric85 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 She has sent me a message confirming my worst nightmare, she is and has been seeing my oldest friend. they apparently just couldn't fight it. Damn bro I'm sorry to hear that. I def. wouldn't call him your oldest friend cause a true friend would never go that route. The best thing to do is what I'm trying to do at this point and thats go NC as best as possible with children involved. It's hard regardless, tonight on the way home from work I started thinking about her and him and just broke down and cried a pain I can't even explain came upon me. Just know your not alone 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 Damn bro I'm sorry to hear that. I def. wouldn't call him your oldest friend cause a true friend would never go that route. The best thing to do is what I'm trying to do at this point and thats go NC as best as possible with children involved. It's hard regardless, tonight on the way home from work I started thinking about her and him and just broke down and cried a pain I can't even explain came upon me. Just know your not alone Thanks man, I'm sure you will get there in the end. I really want to break down and cry. I just can't I just feel numb . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted February 1, 2014 Author Share Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) So just laying here with my daughter and realising life isn't so bad. I have two beautiful, healthy children who adore me. Try as she might I can never be replaced. If I could just hold onto this feeling and continue to draw strength from my children I might just make it through this. Been up and down this weekend had a few issues worrying about running in to the two betrayers while out with children I could swear I kept seeing them every couple, every similar car but no, it was just in my head. The feeling of dread and impending doom keeps coming and going in waves. Realised if I catch it happening as long as I can remain mindful of the moment and in the now it eventually passes. Another weekend done and it is getting slightly easier. I'm maintaining the gym and have gone to zero alcohol. Anti depressants have been upped to 45mg and I'm attending a weekly CBT course. I've been taking something called Gaba which is helping me sleep. Currently reading the journey from abandonment to healing which is really helping me identify the various stages I'm going through currently in the withdrawal stage but all seem to come and go in waves. Plan to take the mindful meditation a bit more serious as staying in the moment is really helping. Work wise things are going slow, have got a interview next week so fingers crossed. First driving lesson booked for Monday, revising for theory is proving a helpful distraction. Also I will be collecting keys for the new house on Friday hopefully this will provide some stability for myself and the kids. Total no contact with her, everything is going through her mum. She has actually been a big help dropping and collecting children off and getting them to ring me at a set time and routine. Money for children and travel costs are getting paid into a bank account I opened in children's name which only her mum is authorised to access. Here's to another week on the emotional roller coaster that is currently my life. Peace and dumpees stay strong !!! Edited February 1, 2014 by Mr me to Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Your wife is toxic. It's time you focused on yourself. Start and maintain the 180: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted February 4, 2014 Author Share Posted February 4, 2014 Sound advice... If I had followed this 6 months ago it would've saved me a lot of heart ache. It's gone to far for that now though I have eliminated the toxic bitch from my life completely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted February 14, 2014 Author Share Posted February 14, 2014 Had a pretty constructive week... Received a job offer in a new town and have just signed a lease on a house. New town, New Job = Fresh start. Life starts at 30 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Going to start this thread back up... Helped me a lot last time.. Step one Need to get back on the no contact train!! Ffs Won't start to waffle again ... Story is here for those interested http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/456564-its-official-mother-my-children-relationship-my-best-mate-5.html#post6084839 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Don't know what happens to me I seem to go through manic periods after spending time or speaking to my ex... Admited to myself I do love her but I don't really love her as in in the deceitfull untrustworthy person she is now I love who she is in my head and her potential.. It's like I feel I can save her and know what's best for her... I want to save her but she doesn't want saving... She a negative self destructive force in my life, I need to let go and focus on me, she not my responsibility... The vision I have of us together living as a happy family is just a fantasy... I have constructed her as someone she is not in my head... She doesn't know what love is and I really believe is incapable of loving... She betrayed me with him now has betrayed him with me... If we did get back together I'd only be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.. I'm a honest, loyal, trust worthy person I deserve the same in return ... Day 1 of no contact completed today... Messed up last night rang and text, didn't get a reply until this morning . That tells me she was with someone else could be my supposed mate the man who beats her or someone else... But I need to stop caring about things I have no control of either way and start focusing on things I can. Ie my happynes Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 It's like I feel I can save her and know what's best for her... I want to save her but she doesn't want saving... She a negative self destructive force in my life, I need to let go and focus on me, she not my responsibility [...] She doesn't know what love is and I really believe is incapable of loving... I think you need to investigate what love means for you. You seem to be a caretaker who is taking care to be loved. Just as you took care of her when she broke her leg. It is unfortunately easy to let such behaviour become dysfunctional, especially if it is old behaviour modelled by our parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr me to Posted January 6, 2015 Author Share Posted January 6, 2015 I think you need to investigate what love means for you. You seem to be a caretaker who is taking care to be loved. Just as you took care of her when she broke her leg. It is unfortunately easy to let such behaviour become dysfunctional, especially if it is old behaviour modelled by our parents. You probably right man... I've been doing some reading on co dependency and a lot of it registers... I seem to have balanced myself out a bit more today... 2 days no contact. Need to ring her to speak to kids tommorow BUT it will be to speak to them and nothing more 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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