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Sabotaged my self... Deep deep pain


Mr me to

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So still feel like crap, spending every spare minute thinking about her and my family but at least I've maintained my pride there's been no contact regarding anything other than kids. I've accepted my faults in the relationship and am trying to ensure I never end up in this position again. Everything's going so slow hoped to have a new job and house by now. Hopefully something will happen soon. Can't help but feel my goal is to get her back by bettering myself, not sure if thats healthy or not but I just can't seem to close the chapter regardless of how she is acting..

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Take this in the spirit it's intended, but dude, you got to man up. I know it sucks, I'm going through a post break up too, but you got to realize, this woman is not the idolized version you got in your head. Kick her off the pedestal, focus on her negative traits, even if that means thinking about her smelly feet... just anything, but the idolized version of her. Focus on the man your projecting yourself to be. Imagine someone is filming you for the world to watch... is that what you want to put out there? Fake it if you have to, but man up and stop the pity party. It's over. Now go pick up your 'nads and cowboy up!

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Your right bro, it's not really her Im idiolising though it's my family. I can't help but feel I'm failing my children, as much as I hate her for breaking it, I hate myself more. I've went from being involved and having a say in every aspect of my children's life to having no say and only weekend involvement. When they ill I'm not there to comfort them or to pick them up from school, my son has just learned to ride a bike I missed it, my daughter lost her first tooth I missed it. Pretty soon there's going to be another guy in there life, he's going to see my children more than I do... It breaks my heart. I'm trying to be strong for them and I put a brave face on when I have them but inside I'm dying.

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Right so thing seem to be moving forward...I'm still having bouts of pain and feeling lost but they are no longer constant. I've been maintaining daily telephone calls with my children without engaging her with anything that doesn't involve the kids. I've got a couple of job interviews lined up, have joined the gym and have a potential house lined up. Like I said it's not perfect but it's progress. Not ready to date or anything but I've been speaking to girls on pof have had some interest and considering I feel and look like **** it's been a bit of a confidence boost, anyway until next time...

Peace

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So she picked Kids up today turned up with her dinner and eat it at mine , couldn't believe the the cheek of it. Asked me to put my son in car did and noticed empty bottles of larger spread all over the car floor. Along with a mans jumper. Sure she is out to destroy me sent her a text just now demanding when she collects children I'd appreciate it if she didn't hang about. No reply tempted to ring her and give her my two cents but won't give her the satisfaction. Totally pissed off. Going to hit the gym...

 

LESSON LEARNED THE HARD WAY WERE NC IS INVOLVED DONT BUDGE A INCH !!!

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livingnightmare

I went through a similar experience and found it hard at first to disassociate my Ex form my daughter and what I classed as family.

 

You will get there, it takes time.

 

Do you have a family member who could help you out with your child as in picking up collecting? That would make NC much easier, you will be better off for your children thinking and functioning 100% and the sooner the better for them.

 

You must as hard as it sounds learn to control your thoughts, I'm only just starting too, but it makes a difference. Its still going to be raw that she is with someone else, but if she can do that after what you had she is not worth it. She has broken the bond you had and it will never be the same.

 

I done all the txts and begging, the deep thinking of is that one of them who shagged my miss's lol anyone with certain names I wanted to hunt down, my ex replaced me before it was over and started sleeping around with others at the same time and let me know just to hurt me, absolutely mind bondage fncked me. Today I feel like an idiot for it and letting her effect me this much.

That day will come for you too.

 

Concentrate on No contact, Concentrate on you! Look for work or a course that can further you towards work, its not going to happen over night though.

 

Don't drink, I drank hard for a year and a half after the split and didn't concentrate on ME.

 

Concentrate on YOU and your CHILD, every time you think of her as hard as it may seem force yourself not to, find other things to do even if its counting backwards from 100 it will stop some of the thoughts.

 

You had better luck on POF than me, I forgot I had an account and found it the other week, I cant believe I made a profile looking the way I did, I looked like a heroine addict lol, I lost stones in weight had major depression and looked awful, but the relationship I was in was very toxic and took its toll on me in the last few years.

 

You will get through this and heal that's for sure, you just got to put the hard work in and get help from family and very trusted friends in regards to your child. You will then be in a stronger place for them and focusing on making your life better.

 

Dont worry about missing things, I missed out on loads of little things, but there are other things you will see and share when your child is with you, I had my daughter for Christmas this year and that was our moment you will realize that too in time and not worry about these things, I thought the same things as you.

 

I am the living proof 4 years later of why there are rules of no contact and self preservation that need to be kept in a break up. I totally broke bent and destroyed the rules. Wish I had a re-run to save my embarrassment and self inflicted continuation of pain :lmao:

 

Good luck on your journey to growing into a better, wiser person and finding someone in the future who wont forsake you. Anyone who can simply isn't worth it, you will grow to see and feel this in you.

 

Yeah hit that Gym like never b4 you will feel and look much better..... I'm setting mine up now, but got distracted here lol

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Thanks for that man... It's a relief to know someone out there has gone through the same emotions as me and come out of the other side. Life's a struggle at the moment everything feels so empty. I'm waiting on a cbt appointment hopefully it will help with the crazy thoughts. Like you I've done all the begging and pleading and am left with nothing but rage, been obsessed with finding who this guy is that has ruined my life. Truth is though it's all on her. **** em!

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livingnightmare
Thanks for that man... It's a relief to know someone out there has gone through the same emotions as me and come out of the other side. Life's a struggle at the moment everything feels so empty. I'm waiting on a cbt appointment hopefully it will help with the crazy thoughts. Like you I've done all the begging and pleading and am left with nothing but rage, been obsessed with finding who this guy is that has ruined my life. Truth is though it's all on her. **** em!

 

 

You WILL get through it. Like you realizing others made it through and to better lives gives much strength, you must realize that the position you are in is not something that has just happend to you and is unique, this happens all the time and if you make the most of it, you WILL be a BETTER STRONGER person you just have to replace any hope of reconciliation into hope and knowledge you will find someone better. And you will, someone who wont leave like this.

 

Don't waste any more energy on her SHE IS NOT WORTH IT!

 

You need to replace that emptiness with positive activities even though you dont feel at all like doing them, you really have to push yourself, then the thoughts get more distant.

 

Im going CBT myself at the end of the month, I'm there this far on because of not working on myself and concentrating every thought on her. I would have been over these last few thoughts in my mind years ago if I kept the rules.

 

Your'e right it is on her, feel that anger, but do not act on it, then let it go by forcing yourself to think about other things no matter how hard it feels.

 

Deep inside you have thoughts of reconciliation then deep down you know this has changed everything. You must realize this has and concentrate just on you.

 

Im going through a stage of what a pratt Ive been at the moment to care for her so much lol that will come to you to. lol

 

 

Keep posting and if you need to PM fire away.

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Your not going to believe this... Just come across my ex pof profile, she coming across as some kind of whore... Bikini pics and saying she just out of a 6 year relationship so just wants some fun. I feel sick to the stomach. Can't believe this is the same person I spent 6 years of my life with. She wasn't like that at all when we were together she had some self respect. I know I shouldn't have but I've just rang her warning her to be careful. I don't think she understands how she is coming across. I hope not anyway. She's the mother if my children and she may very well of become a slut... Is there no escaping her? It's like that godfather quote... "Everytime I try to get out they keep pulling me back in".

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livingnightmare

At least you know now, time to implement no contact, get family members involved, stay out her way, you don't want her now after doing this?

 

Only one thing to do, its over, you must work on you and get over her and you will if you implement the rules.

 

My ex made things awkward to, very awkward felt exactly as you, but my ex was rubbing it in my face to taunt me, comparing me, she was one nasty vicious malicious piece of dirt. Its going to burn for a while, you just got to weather the storm.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do about this except work on getting over her, it is now your only option.

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Yeh you right mate. It's one thing after another and every time I keep telling myself that's it I'm done but a few days will pass and I'll start doubting myself... Really though how can someone change so completely in such a short space of time. I don't know if it's the parent in me but I can't seem to get rid of this protective role I seem to have regarding her. It's like she's stabbing me over and over and I'm asking if she's alright... I'm sorry to hear your ex put you through that mate, you seem like a real good dude and I appreciate you taking your time to support me through this. Our exes seem to be cut from the same cloth. **** us over then act as if we are the ones to blame... Hope you managed to get your gym up? I've been again tonight don't think I'll be walking tomorrow :/ That's why I'm so pissed off just start feel like I'm getting somewhere then. I'll see / hear from her and back to square one. How I wish I chose more carefully who to start a family with. I hate that I hate her wish I could just be indifferent.

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Yeh you right mate. It's one thing after another and every time I keep telling myself that's it I'm done but a few days will pass and I'll start doubting myself... Really though how can someone change so completely in such a short space of time. I don't know if it's the parent in me but I can't seem to get rid of this protective role I seem to have regarding her. It's like she's stabbing me over and over and I'm asking if she's alright... I'm sorry to hear your ex put you through that mate, you seem like a real good dude and I appreciate you taking your time to support me through this. Our exes seem to be cut from the same cloth. **** us over then act as if we are the ones to blame... Hope you managed to get your gym up? I've been again tonight don't think I'll be walking tomorrow :/ That's why I'm so pissed of just feel like I'm getting somewhere then back to square one.

 

I thought exactly the same questions, how could she do this and we have a child together a family. The answer is she clearly does not care, she is not worth your heart ache. She clearly has no respect for you or your feelings.

She wouldn't do this otherwise, but you need to make sure you block anything social media wise, I even have my ex blocked on my phone now and all apps, everything from now on goes through my mother.

 

Like mine she pushed me to the edge kicked me off then stamped on my teeth, she still blames me now and could never admit to anything wrong ever.

 

That's why you need no contact and family to help out or you will continue going to square 1 repeatedly and you will feel worse, you will raise the issues in your mind from frustration and you will not like what you hear, it will make it worse.

 

You know where you stand now, she doesn't give a shlt about your mental health and NO ONE is going to make you feel better but YOU!

 

Time heals all wounds they say, but its what you do with that time that is important. Your time to grow again now, to a better person. Focus on you and your child not her. Everything's changed now, she isn't the person you know, shes dead, mourn her, grief her become wiser.

 

Yeah got my gym sorted out, just need to get my punch bag up on the wall tomorrow. Have to get my self in shape for summer (forever) both physically and mentally.

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Completely screwed up this weekend spent from Friday night until this morning off my face on drink and drugs. I have completely lost the plot. I'm a paranoid nervous wreck. So ashamed of myself. Rang my ex off my face numerous times spilt my soul, begged, pleaded cried. Spoke to my kids and they have told me that mummy said to them that mummy told them that my friend is her new boyfriend... Can't believe it, I asked her but she denied it and said she didn't know where they have got that from, but. It seems a strange thing for a 4 and 5 year old to come out with. This guy wasn't just a friend he has been my best friend since primary school we've been there for each other through thick and thin. If it's true I'm not going to rest until I break him, how could the two people I gave my all to do something like this? It doesn't feel like real life it's something that happens on Jeramy Kyle. Min not this person I don't do drugs or live the lifestyle of the people I have spent the weekend with but I'm just so alone and can't face what is the train wreck of my life. Six months ago I had everything everyone could ever want now what just tainted memories...

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Ok, first things first, you stop the drink and drugs right now! Dont agonize over those phone calls, very common mistake (Drunk dials)

 

You need to go back to no contact immediately. Dont do anything to your friend. If he has shacked up with your ex then hes scum, but that doesnt mean you can go and beat him up. You will come off like a teenager.

 

Best thing you can do, is cut them both out of your life. I know its hard because of your kids, but you gotta work out some arrangement where by you dont see her or him until you are over them.

 

Stop the drinks and drink right now, you are giving her all the ammunition to have sole custody of your children. Be the bigger man here.

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livingnightmare

You must listen to what fixing is telling you. Do Not Drink Or Use Drugs.

 

It seems like it's all you have to cope with now, all you can do to ease the pain. This is untrue!

 

I know I have been there! I done it for 1 ½ yrs stopped for 3 months then done a bit more. Believe me you DO NOT want to go there, it will make things worse, you will not concentrate on healing you will go deeper in despair and the effects of the drinking on your actions will make you loose more self esteem and more self belief, this is a much worse place to be in along with the hangovers and aching kidneys and liver on top of all you are dealing with.

 

Yes he is scum if he has done that and so is she!

 

Any violent act will only go against you, you will recover from this, but though tempting you will make your situation much worse. You would get jailed and not see your children or /and she will use this against you seeing your children saying you are violent.

 

As hard as it seems you must not do anything, you can not change anything but make your situation worse if you follow through with this. I know this is hard to see but it is the truth what the community will tell you here! Use this place for guidance it is very good at it, the rules I broke that I learnt here, I see now how important it is, you must follow them!

 

Keep posting, NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT! Do not ask your children about the ex! You will read into everything if true or not and it is a form of breaking no contact, you will hamper your healing. You want to act on human instinct and impulse I know. This instinct and impulse will not help you, It is like quitting smoking, you gasp so you smoke to stop the urge, but when you do smoke you are creating that urge to happen in the first place. Nub out what is keeping you feeling like this and know when you refrained long enough the urge will have gone!

 

Be strong. You will get through this!

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Thanks you are both right. First and formost I'm a father with responsibilities as much as I'd like to seek revenge my actions don't just affect me. I've some how just got to let it go... The smoking analogy is a good one the initial contact I made with her Thursday night snowballed and led to the weekend I've just had and how I'm feeling now. I'm going to speak to my mum so all contact can go through her in future. Really there is nothing I can do about her and that piece of **** just need to be there for my children. I really do need to break this cycle of self pity and obsession it's just a case of finding enjoyment in something again. I appreciate the honesty and non judgemental advice. I've messed up now I need to put it behind me. The comedown I'm feeling now is certainly punishment enough. Suppose this is what rock bottom feels like.

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So made it through today no contact. Was going to go to the gym but had some sort of weird panic attack on the way so came home. I feel so alone and empty like I don't belong anywhere. Really wanted to speak to my kids but was scared to ring because I didn't want to speak to her. I can't believe I'm afraid to be alone it's so ****ed up Id rather be with her than be by myself even after everything keep expecting her to ring but of course she never does. Been to the docs I'm on mitazapine it's been upped to 30ml and I'm attending some sort of mental health workshop at end of month. I can't stop thinking about my mate sleeping with her it's like a movie scene playing over and over in my head. They both laughing at me. I've deleted pof kept checking her profile. I miss my kids to death really want to be with them their all I have in this world. Don't know what is going on with me it's like I'm stuck in my own head and can't break free. Like have a feeling in my gut that something really bad is going to happen it's just constant. If it wasn't for my children I would honestly just end it... I'm scared to sleep because I dream about her and every morning I feel completely empty, alone , lost, rejected and dead really I'm alive but I'm dead inside no enjoyment at all. I need to meet new people but it scares me whenever I'm speaking to someone I feel like they see through me and are judging... Just don't know what's going on, nothing is in my control nothing at all

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Just read your story and felt the need to post.

 

Be the father you can be, first and foremost. You're doing the right thing trying to cut down the contact, it will only bring you pain.

 

Are you able to see a councillor? Is the Mirtazapine an anti depressant?

 

you're not alone, people on here are going through much the same and will support you throughout.

 

Write down your strengths/qualities and look at them, remember them and acknowledge them, for you have them in abundance, I can see that from your post.

 

just identified with your situation in parts, the friend being with your ex, I've been there and i kept silent, kept my dignity...do this please. They eventually split up and he actually approached me recently and apologized for everything...still wanted to disembowel him, but what goes around comes around.

 

You seem like a good guy, baby steps day by day take it, this too shall pass, trust me.

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livingnightmare
So made it through today no contact. Was going to go to the gym but had some sort of weird panic attack on the way so came home. I feel so alone and empty like I don't belong anywhere. Really wanted to speak to my kids but was scared to ring because I didn't want to speak to her. I can't believe I'm afraid to be alone it's so ****ed up Id rather be with her than be by myself even after everything keep expecting her to ring but of course she never does. Been to the docs I'm on mitazapine it's been upped to 30ml and I'm attending some sort of mental health workshop at end of month. I can't stop thinking about my mate sleeping with her it's like a movie scene playing over and over in my head. They both laughing at me. I've deleted pof kept checking her profile. I miss my kids to death really want to be with them their all I have in this world. Don't know what is going on with me it's like I'm stuck in my own head and can't break free. Like have a feeling in my gut that something really bad is going to happen it's just constant. If it wasn't for my children I would honestly just end it... I'm scared to sleep because I dream about her and every morning I feel completely empty, alone , lost, rejected and dead really I'm alive but I'm dead inside no enjoyment at all. I need to meet new people but it scares me whenever I'm speaking to someone I feel like they see through me and are judging... Just don't know what's going on, nothing is in my control nothing at all

 

I'm glad to hear you have gone no contact, you are now taking control the only way you can. You are in control of you, it wont be easy and these feelings of not belonging are normal, everything you visualized while being with her has now gone and accepting this is very hard, it will take time, your normal routines have now changed significantly.

 

Do you have anyone trusted who can initiate the phone calls so you don't have to speak to her if she answers? At least till the anti-d's kick in more, going to the docs is you taking control again!

 

Yes mate that is a terrible thing for them to have done, I feel for you on this! I doubt they are laughing though, but for them to do that should show you who your ex really is and who this scum of a so called friend is! For them both to allow this situation to happen is real low and testament to their characters, dont let them make you eat at yourself, you must and can get through this! It is hard to see at the moment. As you said your kids need you! She has betrayed her family. You must be the one to show them good moral conduct and how to be strong not like them!

 

Yes delete everything on-line connected to her, block her on everything. Until you are healed. Just keep the contact going through your mother.

 

You are bound to feel like this, the dreams and the waking up is the worst part, it was for me. This will take time but you will slowly start to feel an improvement over time, I still have issues that pop up time to time as my ex was emotionally abusive and isolated me and brought many problems out of my hands into my life without warning, but I never imagined those feelings would end, I am in a much better place now and feel much better, you can get there much quicker if you follow the advice here.

 

What you are feeling is natural at this moment in time.

 

I was recommended a book when I first joined here, it was called The journey from abandonment to healing. I have only just purchased it, but from what I have heard this book is suppose to be really good and has exercises to help you recover, it is highly rated!And when I finish reading what I'm reading now I will get stuck straight into it! I recommend it to you, as I take the advice from the users on this forum as gospel! They were bang on with what was happening in my case, even before I knew lol.

 

Stay strong you now how the chance to grow as a person and be happy with yourself, she was not the one for you if she can do this, you will see in time!

 

Have you tried writing out your emotions? That really helps!

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Just read your story and felt the need to post.

 

Be the father you can be, first and foremost. You're doing the right thing trying to cut down the contact, it will only bring you pain.

 

Are you able to see a councillor? Is the Mirtazapine an anti depressant?

 

you're not alone, people on here are going through much the same and will support you throughout.

 

Write down your strengths/qualities and look at them, remember them and acknowledge them, for you have them in abundance, I can see that from your post.

 

just identified with your situation in parts, the friend being with your ex, I've been there and i kept silent, kept my dignity...do this please. They eventually split up and he actually approached me recently and apologized for everything...still wanted to disembowel him, but what goes around comes around.

 

You seem like a good guy, baby steps day by day take it, this too shall pass, trust me.

 

Thanks man yes mirtazapine are anti depressants. Ive enrolled on a 3 week cbt course and this will be followed by talking therapy. I have realized I am a codependent and that is something I am going to focus on. Have a couple of books Ive just purchased. Hopefully they will help me gain some perspective. Just need to stay focused my head is all over the place one minute I think im getting somewhere then the next its like I loose control of all thoughts. Thanks again!

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I'm glad to hear you have gone no contact, you are now taking control the only way you can. You are in control of you, it wont be easy and these feelings of not belonging are normal, everything you visualized while being with her has now gone and accepting this is very hard, it will take time, your normal routines have now changed significantly.

 

Do you have anyone trusted who can initiate the phone calls so you don't have to speak to her if she answers? At least till the anti-d's kick in more, going to the docs is you taking control again!

 

Yes mate that is a terrible thing for them to have done, I feel for you on this! I doubt they are laughing though, but for them to do that should show you who your ex really is and who this scum of a so called friend is! For them both to allow this situation to happen is real low and testament to their characters, dont let them make you eat at yourself, you must and can get through this! It is hard to see at the moment. As you said your kids need you! She has betrayed her family. You must be the one to show them good moral conduct and how to be strong not like them!

 

Yes delete everything on-line connected to her, block her on everything. Until you are healed. Just keep the contact going through your mother.

 

You are bound to feel like this, the dreams and the waking up is the worst part, it was for me. This will take time but you will slowly start to feel an improvement over time, I still have issues that pop up time to time as my ex was emotionally abusive and isolated me and brought many problems out of my hands into my life without warning, but I never imagined those feelings would end, I am in a much better place now and feel much better, you can get there much quicker if you follow the advice here.

 

What you are feeling is natural at this moment in time.

 

I was recommended a book when I first joined here, it was called The journey from abandonment to healing. I have only just purchased it, but from what I have heard this book is suppose to be really good and has exercises to help you recover, it is highly rated!And when I finish reading what I'm reading now I will get stuck straight into it! I recommend it to you, as I take the advice from the users on this forum as gospel! They were bang on with what was happening in my case, even before I knew lol.

 

Stay strong you now how the chance to grow as a person and be happy with yourself, she was not the one for you if she can do this, you will see in time!

 

Have you tried writing out your emotions? That really helps!

 

Hey man Thanks for your support... The pm meant a lot! Sorry for the long self pitying reply, Im in such a dark place most mornings. I have ordered that book along with a couple of others. There's a app for the Iphone called Moodkit its like a pocket CBT guide and journal, maybe you will find it usefull? it has helped me a gain a lot of perspective today.

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So approaching weekend which is usually my hardest time. I'm determined to break the cycle and have a positive one. I feel I've made a lot of progress since the rock bottom of last weekend. Thought I'd post some goals I have set for myself. I am going to update this thread weekly marking off completed goals and committing to new ones, sort of like a online journal. The journey starts here... Going to see how many of these I can complete within the next 30 days.

 

_____________

Work through codependence issues

Detach from ex

maintain no contact

accept current life - live in moment

Focus on self / meet own needs

Learn and practice meditation techniques

Attend gym at least 3 times a week

Be more sociable, put myself out there more

Have more fun and enjoy children more

Find a new job / career change

Find a new house

Start driving lessons

Get nicer clothes

Make new friends

Find rewarding hobby

Date and speak to other females

Stop smoking

Attend counselling

Limit Alcohol to social situations rather than using as escape

Edited by Mr me to
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Limit Alcohol to social situations rather than using as escape

 

I really like this one.

Take advantage of this positive momentum and develop on it.

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So another weekend done. Had my moments of despair but my new break up buddy livingnightmare kept me grounded ;). Had my first date since break up today was uncomfortable more like a job interview than something you do for fun so will be removing that from my list of goals for a while. Attending the gym is really helping to lift my mood so have signed up for a 12 month contract. I have also switched from smoking cigarettes to one of those electronic vaporizors. Main focus now is on maintaining first 5 goals and finding work. Been reading a lot about depression along with antidepressants and counselling I've started taking omega 3, Vitamin d3 and B supplements.

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So another weekend done. Had my moments of despair but my new break up buddy livingnightmare kept me grounded ;). Had my first date since break up today was uncomfortable more like a job interview than something you do for fun so will be removing that from my list of goals for a while. Attending the gym is really helping to lift my mood so have signed up for a 12 month contract. I have also switched from smoking cigarettes to one of those electronic vaporizors. Main focus now is on maintaining first 5 goals and finding work. Been reading a lot about depression along with antidepressants and counselling I've started taking omega 3, Vitamin d3 and B supplements.

 

 

Glad to hear your getting better man. I'm still in a very deep, dark, lonely place. I enjoy reading your posts though because I can relate so much to how your feeling and what your going through. New years eve I hooked up with a good looking woman which helped me for a few days but then it was back to thinking about her. I just miss and love her so much and my family together but I also know she doesn't care 1 bit so I have to move on its my only option. Keep up the good work though I'm glad your doing better

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