Decieving wife.....

[lumber21]

My wife is 23 and I am 26. We got married just a year ago. We lost our baby, and she lost her mother 4 months later. She was in a depressed state and we seeked help. She is now on medication for "mood swings", which has boosted our relatiioship greatly. We couldn't have been a better couple up until a week ago.

 

First of all some history: There was a point in our relationship that I spoke with her about lying, not only to me but to others. She always denied she ever lied to me, no matter if I prooved it or not. Things were not good.....then I decieded to make a clean slate and start over, but I told her I cannot be lied to and to forget the past. I really harped on the fact that lieing is one thing I cannot deal with.

 

Present problem: We were all excited for Christmas and for my sisters with their families to come up. The got here and we had a great time that day. The next day things started going downhill. I felt shunned by her, the company was helping me in the kitchen while she sat and did her own thing and not just that day, basically the whole time they were up here. I felt like she was trying to "show me off", because I love helping her out and am all about the 50/50 relationship. The reason I felt this way is because I know how important it is to her of how people percieve her. I have talked to her before about that but she doesn't care to hear it.

 

We were on edge almost the entire holiday. She basically was all about herself and what she wanted to do. She even told my sister, while I was out of the room, that my sister was the reason we left the ski lodge earlier in the year and I said "F*** her". My sister asked me about that when I walked back in and I was dumbfounded. I never even knew there was a problem, and that the reason we left is because my wife was cold and tired.

 

I find my wife to be very selfish and decieving, only so she doesn't look like the bad guy and too worried about what other people think of her. My sister left 3 days earlier because of how she was acting and her lies. My wife sent her an email apologizing for her not having a good time. My sister responed telling her that she lied to me saying that my sister and husband were going sightseeing and the whole "F*** her" story. My sister also wrote how my wife excluded them and how unwelcome my wife made her feel(as well as myself). My wife responded and had a comeback for everything saying she took it another way. But conveiniently left out the "F*** her" story.

 

My wife was hanging out with my other sister the entire time, and made no attempt to do anything with everyone. They basically hung out in the garage for a week and practically ignored everyone who came in to join them. My "upset" sister tried and we played some pictionary but so many "ugly" and "highschool" comments came out from my wife and her new best friend that it turned ugly.

 

Last night my wife and I sat down to talk because we knew things were not ok between us. She brought up the fact that I didn't say anything about what my sister wrote to her and that I should have made her feel better. But honestly....I was glad to have someone put her in her place, so she can see it just isn't me that thinks this of her. She always turns thing around on me and makes me feel bad, I have just began to notice this. I brought up everthing I could to her so I can get it out. The "F*** her" story in her mind never happened, she doesn't recall saying anything of the sort. But that night I noticed she turned away and "got busy" when my sister brought it up to me. There have been other things in the past I now wonder about, these were things that I took the blame for and worked on "my problems" because she really made me feel like I had a problem. Not that I am perfect by any means. I continued telling her she tries too hard to make people look at her as someone she isn't, and she seems to only be about herself. I brought up her grandpa, she always calls him for money and feeds him a story af why she needs it. I basically told her that if she feels so strongly about him and lies to him then how do I know what she feeds to me is always honest and true.

 

I notice when she talks to people she will take a story and minipulate it how she see's fit to make her look "wonderful" or so she doen't look like the bad guy. She is also in school, and lies to her professors to get out of class. She will tell them she has been in car accidents and the like. And I noticed as well how she tells me stories of her day and she is always in the right when she is in arguments(school related debates).

After talking with her she shut down and walked off, she won't have anything to do with me right now. I find her to be unable to take critisism or to EVER think she does anything wrong. She will make sure she is right no matter what it takes, she refuses to be looked down upon.

How do I help her understand, she needs help. Will she ever realize she is part of the problem? Believe me, I wish I was the problem because I would be so willing to fix it. She just can't accept it. I am so misserable.

 

One more thing, the reason she needs money is because she throws it away on junk. If she has money, there won't be a day that passes she won't spend some. She always makes me believe we need it. I am just now realizing all this like she has me under a spell. Please help me understand her, and please let there be a cure.

[Teag]

Aounds like she is a pathological liar. Get some couseling, why would you want to be w/ someone who ALWAYS lies? I wouldn't be able to trust the person.

[jmargel]

Lumber.. You need to pull away some and let her come to you. Its apparent she is acting this way possibly because of her mom & baby dying. She's acting childish in some ways, but you also have to pick your fights. Don't argue for arguements sake. Learn to communicate better (check out my link, it may help). Continue counseling and tell her if she needs to talk about anything that you will be here for her and drop it at that. When your sisters talk about the situation, maybe you should tell them you are working on some issues in your marriage and ask for just some patience.

 

If she is depressed she needs to be on some meds. Depression can cause alot of this irrational behavior.

[whichwayisup]

My wife is 23 and I am 26. We got married just a year ago. We lost our baby, and she lost her mother 4 months later. She was in a depressed state and we seeked help. She is now on medication for "mood swings", which has boosted our relatiioship greatly. We couldn't have been a better couple up until a week ago.

 

This is the issue right here and now...Forget the fighting, problems with the sister, this and that...Everyone around her should be MORE understanding of these losses. She is depressed, needs counsilling bad and some couples therapy as well to help the marriage.

 

If you love her and want her as your wife then fight for her, tell the rest of the family to back off, do not take anything personally as she has had the YEAR from hell and time is on her side to get better.

 

The lying issues are all secondary...She is not well, is emotionally distraught, drained and not herself. Stand by her and get some help and the rest of it will fall into place.

[lumber21]

But all this depression ended 6 months ago. We have been doing great. I only bring up the family stuff because that is when I realized there is a bigger problem here. I have been blinded from it by her. I do end up letting her come to me, but she doesn't want too discuss is any longer, unless I take the blame, and I do tell her I am at fault as well, but will will take none. And I do tell her to come to me and talk to me if she needs to.... forget the family, I was using that as an example. This is about us. And she will refuse she has a problem or except treatment. It has been offered to her by her doctor but she never even called. She will not hear of it. She is on meds for depression and that killed it, as well as the mood swings. This problem at hand is a personality issue....or so it seems.

 

Communication.....we have a great communication but when it comes to her faults/problems she just closes up and doesn't want to talk about it.

[whichwayisup]

OK I understand more where you coming from on this one...And I can see how frustrating that must be.

 

I guess soon laying it out on the line for her might be an option. She needs help, some kind of therapy and couples therapy. The lying and decieving will be a big problem if she continues down that path...For everyone involved.

 

She sounds stubborn, but my guess is she is totally terrified inside and probably will have to face some deep issues and feel some pain and that is why she is avoiding in general.

 

It isn't fair that she keeps putting it on you, that is not right and must really hurt. Keep on her though and MAKE her go to the DR...Eventually she will have to do something to fix things.

[Ladyjane14]

Meds are only half the treatment in some cases. Your wife needs to get into grief counseling, and you both could benefit from marriage counseling. Her behavior is isolating her from you and from other family members. She seems to be interested in reaching out to one of your sisters, Why not talk with Sister, and see if you can get her on board?

[mental_traveller]

There is a very simple cure - it's called a divorce attorney.

[Devildog]

lumber21, listen closely to me. Run to grief counseling. If she won't go with you, go alone. It is imperative that you do this. My wife and I lost our infant daughter early last year. We are less than 3 weeks from what would have been her first birthday. I am currently seeing a counselor but it is most likely too late to save my marriage. But here is a nugget of info for you from my counselor. 95% of couples who lose a young child and don't get some form of counseling get divorced!!

 

You are both so overwhelmed with grief you can't support each other. And when you think she is having a good day, you don't want to bring her down by talking about how you feel. She probably does the same thing.

 

She needs help to get through this. She really does, and you do too. If she won't go together, go alone so you can be strong enough for her to lean on.