I'M DESPERATE..I need to leave my husband.. What way do I go??

[Sreym]

So, perhaps I was blind, didn't see the signs, head in the clouds, or it was something else.. I'll try and make this simple, coles notes, point form and I'll be completely honest. I honestly need help, opinions, suggestions, anything..

 

To highlight on where I came to be....

 

I (36yrs old) just married this past August to a man (40yrs old) I've been acquainted with for 7 years (total platonic, through work, we were both in different relationships) and shared mutual friends. We both became single at about the same time, 3.5 years ago, started a relationship, and well, here we are.. I was never previously married, him, once which lasted 18 months.. (another story.. which I felt sorry for him, but later discovered facts & personal experiences which changed that opinion...

 

Me before meeting him; I own my own home, a parcel of land, own car, $ in the bank, had a motorcycle, vacation quite a bit, had many friends, was the "go to girl" for advice and purchased my first home at the age of 19. In a nut shell, I guess you could say I had my crap together and things going well besides the few bad relationships I've had in the past, which ended without any severe damage in my life besides a litre of ben & jerry's, bottles of wine, kleenex, and sad movies for a few weeks. Regardless, I always kept going on, had goals, good career and focus. Family background; HUGE family closeness.. we all help each other in time of need and have family dinners like you see on TV. We're tight!

 

 

Him before meeting me (from what he told me); Smart in University, ventured overseas, travelled seen the world (almost 10 yrs). Moved back due to parents splitting, to help his mother and ended up stayed in the same city where I lived. Hence where we both worked at the same spot. His father has $$ purchased a bldg and gave him an apt. for free in lue of taking care of it (father lives 2 days drive away).. While living there, he purchases his own 2 until bldg which was a dump in plans to revamp it. His family has $ like mine, however they are very distant and cold. His father beat his children once a week because it was "good for them" while his mother just stood there and cried. His mother's side however is more like my family with just more emotional weirdness and less backbone.

 

Highlights of his divorce - He had a previous relationship with this girl in university, they parted ways, he reconnected with her after his travels & had a long distant relationship (she on one side of the country, him on the other). His father suggested he marry her due to convenience of travelling and also his cousin getting married (where she also lived) and said to kill two birds with one stone.. So he did. She then moved to him, they had issues, mainly him not focusing their marriage and putting his father/family first. She suggested that they have a baby, they got pregnant, she "went crazy" according to him, had an abortion, packed her things and moved home all within 12 months. They divorced 6 months after; 18 months total.

 

So here's where it gets complicated.

 

In the past 3 years, we both left our jobs relatively the same time. After is wife left he was moving into his mother's basement and going to rent out the unit his dad let him stay in for free and fix up his 2 unit bldg. He moved in with me instead. He worked as well as I at crap jobs. I started my own business which failed. My family, me, and him fixed up his bldg and we moved into his dad summer home, rented out my home after living cost me 60K in debt due to the economy. We also had a wedding to plan for and were trying to keep afloat during hard times.

 

I can deal with a lot, but where I get defeated is when his father comes into play. In the past year, the following comments have been addressed by his father;

 

We could not get married at the summer home due to his father's lawn possibly getting damaged. So my father spent an extra 10K for a rental space for the wedding.

I need to find a "career" to support his son.

I was not permitted to have visitors at the summer home.

He would not loan his son 2 dollars and told him to go on welfare and get a real job (this is after his own father withheld is sons pay cheque). My father gave him money so he wouldn't miss his mtg payment.

We cannot eat meals with them, unless we purchase and make the food.

And many many more.....

 

Needless to say, I was on the verge of going crazy with wedding planning and dealing with the above and we talked about making a plan about moving to a different city (where my brother is) where there are many jobs and better economic living conditions.

 

So, to make matters worse, my now husband received a job offer, right in the same city where his dad lives, and as expected, his father told him to take it. He only discussed this with his father and told me 3 days before he left, that he was leaving. He left 2 weeks after getting married, I stayed behind to renovate the last unit in his apt bldg by myself. In the process, I broke my hand which required surgery, plates, screws. He did't come home during this time because the flights were too expensive, $400. I suffered it out, the fridge broke, can goods are impossible with only one hand and I had to leave my job as well. I didn't have enough for disability benefits or private insurance and had no income, nor did he send any. So, after a semi mental break down, he did come home 4 weeks later only to tell me that he'd be back in 2 weeks to move us to where he works and would find an apartment for us. A month later, he moves our stuff, we drive 2 days with 2 cats and me in a cast.

 

Now, my current situation and why I want to leave. We are living in his father's basement, and when I mean basement, it's concrete floors a work bench, w/d and a mattress on the floor. We don't eat with them, I don't go upstairs, we can't use their kitchen, I have one towel, one pillow and one blanket. I don't watch tv; I have a small radio and sit here with my two cats. It's like I'm living a nightmare. My hand has healed a bit.. I've applied for jobs like crazy, over 200 resumes, and it seems that there are no jobs here. We were better off back home. He said he doesn't make enough to get our own place and his dad is always on me about getting a job. I've been told that I need to go out, so I drive all day, go to head hunters, try and network but I don't know anyone here. I've even spent the day at city hall talking to politicians to get a job; still nothing, and it's not for lack of trying.

 

I've tried to keep all of this from my family but they've recently found out... My father is beside himself and it took hours for me to convince him not to fly down here and take me home. He demanded pictures of where I'm staying and he cried. I'm trying to do my best before throwing in the towel. I've told my husband that he doesn't see how abusive his father is. His father will talk like I'm not even in the room. He will ask my husband how I am doing while I'm standing right there and my husband will ask me.. It's beyond messed up. My husband doesn't see anything wrong with this, and now I know why his first wife did what she did.. I have a choice, to either head to where my brother lives or to go back home. My husband said that if I decide to go back home that we need to call it quits now... but he may consider following me to where my brother lives if only I go out first, find a job, get us settled and then he would come out.. I know that sounds unreasonable, and it is.. but just to throw this in.. He would never think or act this way normally, I know it's his dad speaking.. He keeps saying his father is the way he is because he was brought up in Germany.. I don't think that matters, humanity doesn't follow a certain nationality nor is it prejudice on race in my eyes..

 

In the past few days, we have had a huge blow out and I told him that I am leaving him. He has said that he was sorry and knows he's made bad decisions, and was wrong and wants me to give him another chance. I don't know what to do, I have so much resentment right now.

 

I know I have to leave, my question is due I go to family and start over in a good economic area, another 3500 kms away from here, or do I back track 1500kms to home. I think I'm afraid to keep moving to new areas due to this experience and if I do move further, should I even give him a second chance? I need to get my own person back, and get on track and I don't think I can handle any more stress right now..

 

Please give me any advice, I don't know anyone here, have anyone to talk too.

 

Sincerely Confused

 

Sreym

[Yarrow]

I agree you need to get out of this.

 

As to where you should go, I will tell you my own bias -

 

From my own experience and observations, I am of the opinion that your support network makes a huge difference in how you will do. You father obviously loves you. I can feel tears welling up just thinking about your poor father desperate to take you home when he sees the photos of your basement cell. He was willing to fly out to get you because he can't bear to see you mistreated. That's love. This 2-4 week thing that your husband is doing and making you live in a basement and leaving you to take care of renos with a broken hand is not love. You say your family is close and you all pull together. Go to your parents. There's no shame in that. You can always move to a new area with better job prospects after you get things sorted out and your emotional health has stabilized. Go to where you will get the most encouragement, support, and hugs.

[HokeyReligions]

Walk out the front door. Go to the bank and get all the money you can. If you have any automatic deposit income stop it and direct the money to another account you open or th o to live checks. Go yo your dads and call a lawyer.

[TrappedWanderer]

I agree with the others. I recently got out of my own nightmarish newlywed situation. I stayed with him until I could feel myself breaking beyond the point of no return. I, too, had left my own established life behind to be with him.

 

When I left, I went to a friends and am now with my parents. It's hard, but honestly, it's allowed me to start processing everything that's happened, and doing that in a safe environment.

 

Go to your family-it doesn't have to be for long. Just as a safe space where you can get some clarity in deciding what your next steps are. I know it's hard, believe me, I know-but really, this situation is toxic....leave while you still can.

[stillafool]

I agree. Get as much money as you can and call your Dad to send you a ticket home. Don't tell them and don't take your husband with you. He should be the one to provide for you not the other way around. Sorry you are going through this. Act now so that maybe you'll be home with your people by Christmas.