We Decided to Give it ANOTHER chance

[ByMyself01]

If you have read my previous posts, you would know that my ex packed up and moved back to his state to be back with his child's mother.

 

I was hurt and devastated of what he had done, but then after emailing me back and forth and after I sent his things, he confessed to me that he still loves me and he hasn't even restarted a relationship with his child's mother. The reason I believe him is because he has been pretty persistent with his communication and he had his child for a couple of days before she came to pick the child up. Then, we have been on Skype everyday/all day since we decided to give the relationship another go.

 

I did go very LC with him for about 2 weeks, mostly discussing getting his things back to him via USPS. But afterwards, one thread of emails would turn into us talking about what made him leave and reconciling.

 

He claims the reason he left was because he missed his child and he thought working it out with the child's mother was the best thing to do. However, he said when he made it back home to his state, he realized he still loved me and he didn't want to be with her at all. So, we made an adjustment for us to get a place in his hometown so he can be near his child and we can be together without him having the stress of not being there with his child.

 

I do admit that I'm scared of what the future may bring with us, but I'm willing to give it a chance because when I visited his state, I loved it and never wanted to leave. So even if we don't work out, I will enjoy a new scenery for a change.

 

It's just a chance I am willing to take and he told me that he told the mother of his child that he is still in love with me and he apologized to her for asking to be back with her when he realized it wasn't what he wanted.

 

Does any one have any opinions on this?

[2fargone]

It sounds.. good, normal... Go for it

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

He moved back home and his ex probably said "F%#$ off" so he decided to come back to you. You are second best.

 

DO.NOT.LET.HIM.COME.BACK.

[FortunateSon]

He tried to move on and do better, now he is coming back is settling. Is that what you want?

[organizedchaos]

He moved back home and his ex probably said "F%#$ off" so he decided to come back to you. You are second best.

 

DO.NOT.LET.HIM.COME.BACK.

 

 

 

We really have no idea if that happened.

 

 

But the OP should try to find out if in fact that happened before she moves.

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

We really have no idea if that happened.

 

But the OP should try to find out if in fact that happened before she moves.

 

Exactly. But I just KNOW it happened. I can just literally see it. It's so obvious!!!

[BlessYourCottonSocks]

OP, whether his ex kicked him out or he really realized his "undying" love for you, do you really want to take back a guy who had to LEAVE YOU to realize this?

 

What if you get back together, and he gets those weird feelings again and leaves you AGAIN.

 

It's so toxic. Once someone leaves you like that, that piece of your relationship is gone and the trust is broken, and you will live in fear of him leaving again.

[ByMyself01]

He moved back home and his ex probably said "F%#$ off" so he decided to come back to you. You are second best.

 

DO.NOT.LET.HIM.COME.BACK.

 

I was thinking the same thing, but his child's mother is a very weak woman and last time when he visited his child, she begged him to be back with him and when he said no, she harassed my phone cursing me out and he was at his parent's house with her because they wanted to see the baby. I really doubt she called it off with him because she begged him the to be back with her and the baby the whole time he was here with me, but still, he did make the choice to leave and try to work it out so he says.

 

He tried to move on and do better, now he is coming back is settling. Is that what you want?

I still do love him and him going back up there to make it work for his child, I mean I really couldn't argue with that. I should come before his child, however I don't think he settled or is settling for me otherwise he wouldn't have left his state to be with me in the first place when he had her up there all along. She wanted to reconcile with him for the longest, but he chose me. Also, his mom and whole family faulted him for leaving the state to be with me. It was a lot of pressure on him and I believe he just wanted to do the right thing of what everyone expected of him and that was to be back with his child's mother. His family does not believe in broken homes.

 

We really have no idea if that happened.

 

But the OP should try to find out if in fact that happened before she moves.

 

I am trying to find out as much as I can without contacting his child's mother because we used to talk going back and forth. Her threatening him and stating that if we get married, that he could kiss his child goodbye forever.

 

OP, whether his ex kicked him out or he really realized his "undying" love for you, do you really want to take back a guy who had to LEAVE YOU to realize this?

 

What if you get back together, and he gets those weird feelings again and leaves you AGAIN.

 

It's so toxic. Once someone leaves you like that, that piece of your relationship is gone and the trust is broken, and you will live in fear of him leaving again.

 

I do love him and I'm willing to take a chance, like I said, if he does leave again, it's a wrap. No more coming back to me. I'm willing to give it one more shot being that he did have outside influences taunting him everyday about me. Especially his mom.

[Raena]

Wow, that sounds like a really tough situation to walk into. His family already doesn't like you, his child's mother is considerably upset that he left to be with you. You say the child is a baby? That means it wasn't that long ago really. You are willing to move to another state where you know no one but him and walk into a potentially hostile situation? It sounds to me like a recipe for disaster.

 

I haven't read all your other posts though... I'll go do that.

[Raena]

Ok I read some more... you say you were involved for 2 years... was that mostly long distance?

 

After reading your other posts I still have to say that it really isn't a good move for you to follow him out there to CA to be with him. If he was sending emails to his ex the entire time you were with him, begging her to take him back, then he isn't really over it.

 

I'd be VERY hesitant to move there if I were you.

[ByMyself01]

Ok I read some more... you say you were involved for 2 years... was that mostly long distance?

 

After reading your other posts I still have to say that it really isn't a good move for you to follow him out there to CA to be with him. If he was sending emails to his ex the entire time you were with him, begging her to take him back, then he isn't really over it.

 

I'd be VERY hesitant to move there if I were you.

 

Yes and I have been contemplating this for some time, well I guess the best thing to do is probably to end things because I felt like if he wanted me as much as he says he does, he would come back to me, beg plead or whatever. Yeah I'm not moving. If he wants me, he's going to have to put in some effort, but then again, I don't want him to even come back and start over again for him to start missing the child or using that as an excuse to move back to California. If he says he loves me like he really does, he will make an effort to correct the mess he started. So you're right and I don't know how to break the news to him because it had taken us exactly 2 weeks to even come up with a conclusion. However, I do still love him a lot but I guess I may have to let this one go. Should I now start NC after I tell him the news or keep him as a friend? I don't know what to do.

[Mariposa10]

Hmm, I don't know... I'm gonna be biased because we're talking about CA...

 

How long have the mother of his child and him been broken up?

 

Having a child with someone can be really confusing... I've seen this pretty close, sometimes the parents even if they don't want to, they force themselves to give it one last try for the children... because they feel guilty!!

 

So I need to know more about the relationship between his ex and him? Do you know anything?

 

What I like about this situation is that you don't have any problems moving, so you don't have much too lose, right?

 

However, how serious are you two about this relationship? Have you talked about getting married or whatever? is it really worth all this headache?

[ByMyself01]

Hmm, I don't know... I'm gonna be biased because we're talking about CA...

 

How long have the mother of his child and him been broken up?

 

Having a child with someone can be really confusing... I've seen this pretty close, sometimes the parents even if they don't want to, they force themselves to give it one last try for the children... because they feel guilty!!

 

So I need to know more about the relationship between his ex and him? Do you know anything?

 

What I like about this situation is that you don't have any problems moving, so you don't have much too lose, right?

 

However, how serious are you two about this relationship? Have you talked about getting married or whatever? is it really worth all this headache?

 

It's been off and on with them for the past 2 years since I've known him. To be honest, he was with her when I first started talking to him and he claimed he told her that he was just with her for the child and he wasn't happy. I tried to blow him off and tell him that we should be friends at first, but everyday we talked, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. Then he finally called it completely off with her a few months before he came to move in with me. I guess it was an affair, but not quite because they aren't married. Only thing I know about their relationship before me was that according to her, before I came in the picture, they was about to get married and their relationship was very good. According to him, he had told her way before then that he wasn't happy and he was only there for the child.

 

The thing is, I like to travel and I don't mind moving, but I don't want to end up there by myself dealing with nonsense. Only thing I have is his words and very little facts since I haven't spoke to the mother of the child.

 

We were pretty serious, I mean the man left a couple of times to come be with me and he moved all his stuff to be with me. By the way, I never asked him to, he begged me which is why I don't understand why he even attempted to go back to her. Well according to him, he went back to try for the child and he just couldn't do it with her no more. I want to give it a little more time to see if he is lying about everything but I refuse to contact her again.

[Raena]

It's been off and on with them for the past 2 years since I've known him. To be honest, he was with her when I first started talking to him and he claimed he told her that he was just with her for the child and he wasn't happy. I tried to blow him off and tell him that we should be friends at first, but everyday we talked, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. Then he finally called it completely off with her a few months before he came to move in with me. I guess it was an affair, but not quite because they aren't married. Only thing I know about their relationship before me was that according to her, before I came in the picture, they was about to get married and their relationship was very good. According to him, he had told her way before then that he wasn't happy and he was only there for the child.

 

The thing is, I like to travel and I don't mind moving, but I don't want to end up there by myself dealing with nonsense. Only thing I have is his words and very little facts since I haven't spoke to the mother of the child.

 

We were pretty serious, I mean the man left a couple of times to come be with me and he moved all his stuff to be with me. By the way, I never asked him to, he begged me which is why I don't understand why he even attempted to go back to her. Well according to him, he went back to try for the child and he just couldn't do it with her no more. I want to give it a little more time to see if he is lying about everything but I refuse to contact her again.

 

This man sounds an awful lot like my ex. He told the OW the exact same story. Told her that he was only there for our child, told her the relationship was over between he and I, told her that he never had sex with me, told her that he didn't love me anymore and on and on.

 

The truth is, we did talk about getting married, several times (most recently just a month or so before DDAY), our sex life was fine, our relationship wasn't over and he has told me several times since dday that he still loves me. Even creepier... he's in CA atm for work.

 

I say all of this to you for a reason. He could very easily be lying to you about what was going on before and during the time he was with you.

 

I know from MY situation that I have had enough of his lies and I don't want him back, no matter how much he begs. He cheated on me and he lied to me countless times. He lied to her too. He's probably still lying to her and she's just foolish enough to believe it. Don't be that girl. He probably does have feelings for you, but he still has feelings for her too.

 

And just as a side note... it doesn't matter if you are married or not, if you make a commitment to a person and then you go outside of that commitment and have a relationship with another person.... it is cheating. If he was still carrying on with her and she was not aware of you, then yes, he was cheating on her to be with you.

 

It sounds like you already know all of this though and don't really need me to tell you it.

[Mariposa10]

It's been off and on with them for the past 2 years since I've known him. To be honest, he was with her when I first started talking to him and he claimed he told her that he was just with her for the child and he wasn't happy. I tried to blow him off and tell him that we should be friends at first, but everyday we talked, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. Then he finally called it completely off with her a few months before he came to move in with me. I guess it was an affair, but not quite because they aren't married. Only thing I know about their relationship before me was that according to her, before I came in the picture, they was about to get married and their relationship was very good. According to him, he had told her way before then that he wasn't happy and he was only there for the child.

 

The thing is, I like to travel and I don't mind moving, but I don't want to end up there by myself dealing with nonsense. Only thing I have is his words and very little facts since I haven't spoke to the mother of the child.

 

We were pretty serious, I mean the man left a couple of times to come be with me and he moved all his stuff to be with me. By the way, I never asked him to, he begged me which is why I don't understand why he even attempted to go back to her. Well according to him, he went back to try for the child and he just couldn't do it with her no more. I want to give it a little more time to see if he is lying about everything but I refuse to contact her again.

 

Sounds too complicated to be honest. How would you be able to trust him again...? I don't think it's worth it.

[ByMyself01]

This man sounds an awful lot like my ex. He told the OW the exact same story. Told her that he was only there for our child, told her the relationship was over between he and I, told her that he never had sex with me, told her that he didn't love me anymore and on and on.

 

The truth is, we did talk about getting married, several times (most recently just a month or so before DDAY), our sex life was fine, our relationship wasn't over and he has told me several times since dday that he still loves me. Even creepier... he's in CA atm for work.

 

I say all of this to you for a reason. He could very easily be lying to you about what was going on before and during the time he was with you.

 

I know from MY situation that I have had enough of his lies and I don't want him back, no matter how much he begs. He cheated on me and he lied to me countless times. He lied to her too. He's probably still lying to her and she's just foolish enough to believe it. Don't be that girl. He probably does have feelings for you, but he still has feelings for her too.

 

And just as a side note... it doesn't matter if you are married or not, if you make a commitment to a person and then you go outside of that commitment and have a relationship with another person.... it is cheating. If he was still carrying on with her and she was not aware of you, then yes, he was cheating on her to be with you.

 

It sounds like you already know all of this though and don't really need me to tell you it.

 

And I really thought he was on the right track before he came to move with m because it even came to the point where he wanted me to talk to her and for me to ask questions to her about her and him to prove to me he wasn't lying. Then all of a sudden, he just ups and leaves to go back to her. So, I guess he's the dumb one because it's pretty expensive and quite tedious to be dating 2 women in different states.

 

Well, I'm going to let him do as he pleases and I can't wait until he gets off work for me to break the news to him that I'm not moving to be with him. So if they are or are not together because of his consignment, I will see. Because I'm getting too old to be playing games with a man even older than me.

 

I even told him if he feels like having a child will keep feelings around for her, then he might as well stay with her and make the best of it. But insists, he's in love with me, we'll see.

[SerCay]

Just think of what your importance is if he is able to just up and leave to ''try again for his child with the mother of his child''.

 

I'm sorry OP..Red Flags all around.

 

He could've also said he wanted to move closer, and you would've gone with him in the first place. Why does he have to be involved with his ex again?

 

Think about this or it will haunt you for the rest of your Rship

[ByMyself01]

Just think of what your importance is if he is able to just up and leave to ''try again for his child with the mother of his child''.

 

I'm sorry OP..Red Flags all around.

 

He could've also said he wanted to move closer, and you would've gone with him in the first place. Why does he have to be involved with his ex again?

 

Think about this or it will haunt you for the rest of your Rship

 

But this is what I don't get. When him and I are together, he doesn't hide me like he hides her. He been hiding her for I don't know how long. She told me that he never wanted her to meet his family but after finding out about the pregnancy from her mother, the family started to get in touch with her, but he never introduced her to his family. When he says he is going back to be with her, he doesn't so it all doesn't make sense to me at all. He doesn't even want her on his Facebook profile or anything. And I know some men will pretend just so they can be able to see their children and I honestly believe that is what he's doing or it is the guilt. Maybe he feels like he abandoned her and the child because before he left, he was talking to friends and I read one of the messages one of the friends told him that he needs to go back to her before he loses contact with his child dealing with me and that her and the baby didn't deserve what he did, which was leave to be with me.

[SerCay]

But this is what I don't get. When him and I are together, he doesn't hide me like he hides her. He been hiding her for I don't know how long. She told me that he never wanted her to meet his family but after finding out about the pregnancy from her mother, the family started to get in touch with her, but he never introduced her to his family. When he says he is going back to be with her, he doesn't so it all doesn't make sense to me at all. He doesn't even want her on his Facebook profile or anything. And I know some men will pretend just so they can be able to see their children and I honestly believe that is what he's doing or it is the guilt. Maybe he feels like he abandoned her and the child because before he left, he was talking to friends and I read one of the messages one of the friends told him that he needs to go back to her before he loses contact with his child dealing with me and that her and the baby didn't deserve what he did, which was leave to be with me.

 

I absolutely understand the train of thought that he wants to be close to his child before it's too late.

 

I just don't understand the need to cut you out of the picture to do so?

That was a selfish act of him, regardless any circumstances. You're the woman he's with, how can you not think as a couple when you're together with someone? And then he just expects you to understand this and take him back. He needs to do some serious soul searching and making up to you.

I've been in your situation. Sigh....My ex wanted me to play along while he made his baby momma think they were together, so that she would sign the paternity papers. I made a huge drama. I am your partner, and I will fight next to you to get your child to be acknowledged in every legal way possible, but I WILL NOT allow you to overstep me and our relationship, for a personal goal. However big the importance. I'm the one you have to live with.

 

Like I said, the both of you could've just moved closer to her and the child TOGETHER..

 

Do some thinking and talk to him about it..my suggestion. Don't let it become a silent matter you know, bad for your health

[ByMyself01]

I absolutely understand the train of thought that he wants to be close to his child before it's too late.

 

I just don't understand the need to cut you out of the picture to do so?

That was a selfish act of him, regardless any circumstances. You're the woman he's with, how can you not think as a couple when you're together with someone? And then he just expects you to understand this and take him back. He needs to do some serious soul searching and making up to you.

I've been in your situation. Sigh....My ex wanted me to play along while he made his baby momma think they were together, so that she would sign the paternity papers. I made a huge drama. I am your partner, and I will fight next to you to get your child to be acknowledged in every legal way possible, but I WILL NOT allow you to overstep me and our relationship, for a personal goal. However big the importance. I'm the one you have to live with.

 

Like I said, the both of you could've just moved closer to her and the child TOGETHER..

 

Do some thinking and talk to him about it..my suggestion. Don't let it become a silent matter you know, bad for your health

 

Now it all doesn't matter now, I broke the news to him last night and told him I'm not moving to be with him because I feel like games are being played. Every since then he has blocked me from Facebook, IM, and email. Last night I told him that he needs to do the right thing and marry the mother of his child and ask her to really get back together.

 

Do I really want him to get back with her and marry her? NO. But I said it because I told him until he is serious about being with me and only me and is completely finished with her, then maybe, just maybe we can think about being together. I told him he needs to really make sure he's done and that I will let him have her even though he is claiming they aren't together. I intuitively think they are and she may be playing hard to get or some of it could be on his end.

 

And what I don't understand, he had been with her for 4+ years before me and he had all the time in the world to think about staying with her, then he waits until he chooses me and then goes back to her and he has been in CA with her more than he has been with me and knowing me. It all doesn't make sense, but I still love him and I am having a hard-time with the breakup because I miss talking to him again, but I'm going to have to start from Day 1 again.

[BC1980]

I would not recommend moving anywhere to be with this guy. That is a huge risk to take on something that hasn't panned out so far.

[ByMyself01]

I would not recommend moving anywhere to be with this guy. That is a huge risk to take on something that hasn't panned out so far.

 

Yeah, I'm still not moving period. But I think I know what the issue is now. Since I've known him, he is the type of guy that cares what everybody thinks. The moment he left to come and see me everybody faulted him for leaving his so-called family to be with me. And when he moved in, EVERYONE was in his Facebook messages telling him that he was a deadbeat and that he did his ex wrong etc., etc. I noticed he would get stressed out after reading the messages.

 

I think he really wants out of the relationship, but he doesn't want to lose family or friends. His family even gave him an ultimatum about me, they said if he keeps talking to me, they aren't dealing with him anymore.

 

I just find it quite awkward that if he really wanted to be with this woman, he wouldn't go back only to let her know that he still talks with me. Like one weekend she was over and he was talking to me while she was over through the IM.

 

I think he is one of those types of men who wants the other person to say they ended the relationship so I think he does everything possible to her to make sure she backs off because I really think the cause of it all is the GUILT he feels inside. He may feel like the only way for the guilt to go away is if she stops chasing him first.

[BC1980]

Yeah, I'm still not moving period. But I think I know what the issue is now. Since I've known him, he is the type of guy that cares what everybody thinks. The moment he left to come and see me everybody faulted him for leaving his so-called family to be with me. And when he moved in, EVERYONE was in his Facebook messages telling him that he was a deadbeat and that he did his ex wrong etc., etc. I noticed he would get stressed out after reading the messages.

 

I think he really wants out of the relationship, but he doesn't want to lose family or friends. His family even gave him an ultimatum about me, they said if he keeps talking to me, they aren't dealing with him anymore.

 

I just find it quite awkward that if he really wanted to be with this woman, he wouldn't go back only to let her know that he still talks with me. Like one weekend she was over and he was talking to me while she was over through the IM.

 

I think he is one of those types of men who wants the other person to say they ended the relationship so I think he does everything possible to her to make sure she backs off because I really think the cause of it all is the GUILT he feels inside. He may feel like the only way for the guilt to go away is if she stops chasing him first.

 

These reasons may all be valid, but I don't think they matter. At the end of the day, he is unable to give you what you want and deserve. I stayed with someone for 3 years who always had some excuse as to why we couldn't get married. He would talk such a good game about how it would be when we got married, and he would make me feel so secure. Then, he would sabotage it a few months later.

 

After he broke up with me, he kept contacting me saying that MAYBE it could work out. He would say he just needed more time. When it came down to it, he just wasn't going to commit to me. I still couldn't tell you the reason. The bottom line is that you can't make someone into who you want them to be. They just are who they are, and it's for better or worse. Your guy sounds like he has a lot of family pressure to deal with, so he just might not be available right now. All of the back and forth takes such a toll on your emotions.

[ByMyself01]

These reasons may all be valid, but I don't think they matter. At the end of the day, he is unable to give you what you want and deserve. I stayed with someone for 3 years who always had some excuse as to why we couldn't get married. He would talk such a good game about how it would be when we got married, and he would make me feel so secure. Then, he would sabotage it a few months later.

 

After he broke up with me, he kept contacting me saying that MAYBE it could work out. He would say he just needed more time. When it came down to it, he just wasn't going to commit to me. I still couldn't tell you the reason. The bottom line is that you can't make someone into who you want them to be. They just are who they are, and it's for better or worse. Your guy sounds like he has a lot of family pressure to deal with, so he just might not be available right now. All of the back and forth takes such a toll on your emotions.

 

Yeah and I'm relieved and hurt at the same time that I ended it. It hurts that he couldn't be stronger for us, but as I told him, he made the final choice when he left to go back and be with her so whether they are working it out or not is not my concern anymore and I will do whatever it takes to move on with my life.