"Falling out of love"/rekindling the spark

[AutumnWind]

I wanted to get opinions on this issue: How common or easy is it for people to "fall out of love" or convert their feelings to just friendship after an intimate relationship? Any gender differences? Have you ever experienced this "falling out of love" and if so, was there anything you feel could have rekindled the spark? If it was long distance or there was a gap, what happened when you saw them in person? Did it bring back feelings or not?

 

My situation is that I initially broke up with my boyfriend (of 4 years), then we got back together but he decided after some time that it wasn't going to work anymore (when it became long distance) and so we agreed to be "friends" and officially that's what we still are. It's been a year since then and we've dated other people but are currently single. And now I'm going to see him again - not only that, but spend 10 days staying at his place!

 

I just have no clue how he might feel towards me. My feelings for him have come back stronger than ever recently but he may not feel the same way. This will be the first time we meet in person since the breakup (which was friendly) and we've stayed close - probably "too close" - even after it. When we talk it feels kind of intimate still (but no mention of the relationship). I feel like he still relies on me emotionally to some extent and our bond was never completely broken off. But he has been interested in other women in between, which confuses me! Is this normal?

 

He was always very attracted to me in person but over long distance it's been hard to tell. I.e. I can't distinguish between close friendship and a long-standing relationship over phone/email - sometimes there's not a lot of difference!! So do you guys think there's a chance he'll be attracted to me again when we meet or can a guy really just "switch off" those types of feelings? I had the feeling girls may do that more often to guys, but I could be wrong (I'm still very attracted to him!).

 

This may sound like a strange question, but I honestly am too confused about the upcoming trip and it would help to get feedback - thanks!!

[dakinehigh737]

i just went through what you did last night, me and my gf broke up last night, she said she fell out of love. I dont know if its possible..i always heard that someone who loves you will never stop loving you even if it is in the slightest way possible. I would give it about a month in my situation. Long distance im not sure what to say weve always been close she lives 5 min from me. But i dont know what to do i just..i want her back so bad but i dont know what to do...everytime i try to talk to her about it she yells at me and says stop and she doesnt want to talk about it...im so depressed right now i dunno what to do

[ajogokats]

why wouldnt it be? If you both had strong feelings for each other. If it was a friendly breakup. It is entirely possible,in my opinion. AJ.

[Dazzle]

he decided after some time that it wasn't going to work anymore

He wouldn't have decided this if he loved you, he'd have found a way to make it work.

 

Be careful. The feelings you still share will make you very vulnerable to each other but while you may re-light the fire my guess is that it won't be long before he once again decides it's not going to work any more. How would you feel then?

 

Go, but be SURE he loves you before you restart anything serious. Tell him you care if it feels right to do so, but then come home and see what happens then. He'll prove himself, if he cares enough.

[Sharmaine]

I think that love can be rekindled again between two people who once had a relationship and who loved each other. You had a four relationship with this guy, that's quite a long time. He obviously loved you very deeply at one time.

 

You broke up, have remained friends since the break up. He hasn't switched off to you completely and still obviously has feelings for you, hence his keeping in touch. He'd have made a complete break otherwise. I think it's very possible that when he sees you again, the attraction will deepen and old feelings on his part, will return.

 

IMO, feelings for someone are only easily switched off, if there were no 'real' feelings for the other party in the first place. Nobody can just switch off, when 'real' feelings for another person were involved.

 

Good Luck!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by AutumnWind

1. How common or easy is it for people to "fall out of love" or convert their feelings to just friendship after an intimate relationship?

2. Any gender differences?

3. Have you ever experienced this "falling out of love"

4. and if so, was there anything you feel could have rekindled the spark?

5. If it was long distance or there was a gap, what happened when you saw them in person?

6. Did it bring back feelings or not?

1. as common as it is to fall into love - falling into love involves a good deal of an infatuation-driven mapping of your hopes and expectations onto another person - you fall in love with who you perceive them to be, not who they actually are. Over time, as you realize who they really are and that you actually like the person - you fall into a deeper state of love (that outlasts infatuation), or you realize that you are not compatible with the person like you thought and once that beginning infatuation wears off and you realize you don't like the person at all - then you make the break and move on.

2. i would say that there are no gender differences

3. yes - my first 'real' long term relationship - it was supposed to be the meet, date, get pinned (fraternity boy), get engaged, get married, settle down, have kids, live happily ever after

... only, I ended it at the engagement part because I knew there was no point in going further with it

4. no - I realized that I was not compatible with this person outside of a few interests - we were basically intimate strangers when the blinders finally dropped - nothing, absolutely nothing could have brought back the spark

5. it started in a regular way and then he began taking long distance co-ops every other semester - when we saw each other in person we would have a great time, but over time it became apparent that there wasn't enough to hold it together in his absence.

6. I saw him again nearly 12 years after we broke up. He drove down for a drink and to get some final closure before he got married. We had fun reminiscing, and we both got to say things unsaid. It was sort of like a final goodbye. It was bittersweet. No lingering anger or rekindled feelings or anything like that - just a final look back and a goodbye.

 

In your case, treat it like its brand new. The relationship you had was gone, but thats not to say you can't build a new one with him. There's a reason that you two are ex's - no sense in returning to the state that led you to be ex's in the first place. Enjoy your time, consider it a new thing - you may find the second time around is much better without the ghosts of the first time lingering around.

[tattoomytoe]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

In your case, treat it like its brand new. The relationship you had was gone, but thats not to say you can't build a new one with him. There's a reason that you two are ex's - no sense in returning to the state that led you to be ex's in the first place. Enjoy your time, consider it a new thing - you may find the second time around is much better without the ghosts of the first time lingering around.

 

 

Very well said!

[AutumnWind]

Thanks so much for the responses!

 

I agree, I do feel the possibility of rekindling something new and it comes from my intuitive feeling from things he says or does (or tone of voice and little signals like that)... I'm just having a case of nerves before the trip! I do think enough time has gone by that it would be a new relationship... as for the problems that caused the breakup, I think a lot of it was inexperience and being rather young when we first met (first loves, and we met in our teens)... we are now in our mid- 20's, have had a chance to date other people and also work out a lot of personal issues independently... the dynamic has completely changed (in a positive way) between us recently.

 

Also, since it's so long after the breakup, we've gotten over that painful/emotional initial period and can approach this more calmly (at least speaking for me). I know that it might not work out and I know I can lead a rich, fulfilling life without this relationship BUT it would be really great if it worked out as we had this special connection I have yet to find with anyone else. I know he still has my pictures/presents from over the years and I kept his as well. Well, I think I'll do my best to just relax and see what happens as it happens...

 

P.S. Do you think I should worry about the "other women" issue? He did seem quite serious about one of them (over the summer). Now it didn't last too long but there's a long distance issue there too... or it could have been just a summer fling (he was on vacation there)...

[jacob328]

ok..i have a prob..me and a girlfriend of 3 years broke up bout 7 months ago..i still have feelings for her but yet am willing to date..its hard to explain becuz me and her have shared so much together..and have a connection between one another that we have with noone else..the reason we broke up wuz first starting off as a "break" but then she decided she didnt wanna have someone crowding her ya know..that space issue..well she kinda had a thing one guy and that didnt work out...and i was by her side the whole time no matter wat..no matter how much crap she gave me..so we started talkin and she started gettin feelings bak again...and then it turned again becuz she started seein some other guy..but not really like dating..but the thing is he lives in virginia and goes to boarding skool..so she barely sees him..the real problem is throughout this she has had me as a friend...but has stepped all over everything we use to have...and she has told me that i was the best boyfriend ever and that i did nothing wrong..but yet shes so unsure...becuz shes never really dated anybody else..and she has told me "things between us arent the same"...that the flame isnt there anymore...well lately ive been sik and tired of the drama so i cut things off wit her..but i love her so much and i want ehr bak so bad...i dunno wat i should do..i dunno if i should b her friend...or ignore her...i juss wanna know how i can rekindle that flame...i know she loves me...and she still has feelings...its juss shes been wit me for 3 yrs already and wants to see wats out there...im scared to b her friend bcuz all the crap thats goin on between her and this guy shes seein...ugh im so frustrated and confused..