Breadcrumbs, mixed messages or something else?

[Agent Orange]

My bf and I split about six weeks ago and have been NC on and off since then, with me always initiating contact. I started texting him about a week ago and we've been consistently in contact since then, but always initiated by me (unless he's responding the next morning to something from the night before).

 

He knows I want to get back together and I've been keeping things pretty low key since we started texting, but now I don't know how to proceed. I'm know that if I keep reminding him that I want to try again, I'll end up pushing him away. Most of the texts are jokes or emojis - nothing too heavy if I can help it. A few times I have told him that I miss him, love him, etc. but even then I try to keep it light usually by adding or something.

 

I'm pretty sure he also knows I'm talking to other guys since he's seen my OLD page and I know he's talking to other women (although he claims to have slowed down with it).

 

I guess the problem is that I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling. He's said a few times that he doesn't want to confuse me or lead me on but also that he's thought about us getting back together.

 

This is all very confusing to me and I have no idea what to do. Should I leave him alone completely or settle for the watered down, simpler friendship type of thing we have going right now?

[d0nnivain]

If the watered down friendship right now doesn't make you feel worse about the subject, you can settle for it because as post break-up friendships go, that's about all there is.

 

If you want more & he knows it but he isn't rushing back, he doesn't want more but he also isn't being confrontational about it. He's waiting for you to correctly interpret his non-action as lack of interest & fade away.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

He dumped you. Every text you send him pushes him further away. The longer you don't go NC the further away you'll be from him when you do.

[BC1980]

It sounds like he's just trying to be nice and respond. I would definitely go NC, as he clearly does not want to get back together with you at this point.

 

However, to answer your question, stop initiating any contact. I think you are asking how to go about getting a second chance. The answer is there isn't much you can do, but not initiating any contact will flush out his true intentions. I he never contacts you again, or contacts you once and a while with useless texts ("hey, what's up," "Just checking on you"), he obviously isn't serious about getting back together.

 

You can't change a person's mind, so you can only control yourself. Do what you can to take control of YOUR situation, which is going NC and moving on.

[Agent Orange]

If the watered down friendship right now doesn't make you feel worse about the subject, you can settle for it because as post break-up friendships go, that's about all there is.

 

If you want more & he knows it but he isn't rushing back, he doesn't want more but he also isn't being confrontational about it. He's waiting for you to correctly interpret his non-action as lack of interest & fade away.

 

Part of me thinks he's just being nice, and part of me thinks (mostly because he's said this) he isn't 100% sure of his decision. All I know is that I feel much better having him partially in my life than I did during NC. We were in a LDR so it's not like there's any chance or casually running in to him. I just want him to know that I haven't given up - which is strange because I'm not a natural optimist.

[Agent Orange]

So I posted about this on a previous thread but things have gotten a little weirder/ more complicated since then so if anyone has any thoughts on the situation please feel free to share them.

 

My ex and I broke up in October and were NC on an off until Thanksgiving-ish when I started texting him and we've been in contact ever since. When I first posted about this, all contact was initiated by me…that's no longer the case. Now he'll text me or message me on g-chat whenever.

 

On top of that, he keeps sending mixed signals. This may get confusing so I'll just make it a list.

 

On getting back together, he says:

 

• He's not sure if he wants to fix our issues at all
  
• He's thinks it's impossible to fix our issues since he lives so far away
  
• He's not sure if he's ready to try again
  
• He might want to fix our issues when he moves closer to where I live in March or April (he's moving for work, not me)
  

 

But then he says things that are half joking, half serious about us spending the weekend together so we can have sex even though we originally agreed that sleeping together post BU would be a TERRIBLE idea. I've also told him several times that I absolutely will not sleep with him unless we were to get back together first. The thing is, he keeps pushing for us to sleep together in spite of this. When I asked him why he was suddenly willing to make plans to see me now that we're not together (something he often refused to do during the relationship), he immediately shut down and wanted to change the subject.

 

He's also been making a lot of jokes about missing certain parts of our relationship, like cuddling and sex, and makes comments about being sad that he doesn't have anyone to fulfill these needs. At the same time, he recently said "may never see you again" but tried to pass it off as another joke.

 

I'm getting really frustrated because it feels like he's messing with my head. He knows I want to get back together and am willing to sort out our issues, but it seems like he just wants the fun of the relationship without having to put in any of the work to fix it.

 

I have no idea what to do or where to go with this. I like being in contact with him because it's way less distracting than NC so I'm a lot less anxious and a lot more productive. Neither of us is dating other people or even really talking to anyone else so it's like we're together, but without the responsibility, commitment or obligation to one another…kind of like friends who constantly flirt with each other but don't act on it. Or in other words - all of the positives of our relationship but minus the bickering and physical interaction.

 

Thoughts? Anyone? I'm totally lost.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, your situation is really easy. He wants to have sex with you whenever he feels the need. That's pretty much it. The only positive things he talks about have to do with him having sex with you. He figures since you initiated that you are willing to do the horizontal mambo, so he's going to play it out until he a) gets want he wants b) meets someone else he wants to date or c) gets bored.

 

The only one making this complicated is you out of your want for this to mean more than it does. This is one of the more straightforward things I've read on this board in a while.

[Mariposa10]

Reminds me of my ex and me. When I was in contact with my ex, I also told him I would not have sex with him if we were not in a relationship.

 

You have to really strong about this. Do not have sex with him. Again, this entire post reminds me of my ex. There's nothing you two can do right now since he lives far away, so why keep torturing each other by talking?

 

I would start LC and then NC again...

 

Maybe in the future things will work out, but right now I don't know... He doesn't seem to be taking things seriously either... I don't know, but by reading your post, I can tell he was the dumper.

[Simon Phoenix]

Reminds me of my ex and me. When I was in contact with my ex, I also told him I would not have sex with him if we were not in a relationship.

 

You have to really strong about this. Do not have sex with him. Again, this entire post reminds me of my ex. There's nothing you two can do right now since he lives far away, so why keep torturing each other by talking?

 

I would start LC and then NC again...

 

Maybe in the future things will work out, but right now I don't know... He doesn't seem to be taking things seriously either... I don't know, but by reading your post, I can tell he was the dumper.

 

The hell with LC, she needs to stop talking to him ASAP. He's buttering her up for an FWB situation. Nowhere does he indicate any desire to do anything with her except being physical. He figures since she opened the can of worms by contacting him, he's going to see what he can get out of it.

[Agent Orange]

 

You have to really strong about this. Do not have sex with him. Again, this entire post reminds me of my ex. There's nothing you two can do right now since he lives far away, so why keep torturing each other by talking?

 

 

Maybe in the future things will work out, but right now I don't know... He doesn't seem to be taking things seriously either... I don't know, but by reading your post, I can tell he was the dumper.

 

You're right, he was the dumper. I have no intention of having sex with him or anyone else for that matter.

 

The hell with LC, she needs to stop talking to him ASAP. He's buttering her up for an FWB situation. Nowhere does he indicate any desire to do anything with her except being physical. He figures since she opened the can of worms by contacting him, he's going to see what he can get out of it.

 

My personal rule is not to have sex outside of a relationship - something he's quite aware of. Part of me thinks he's trying to see how long it will take before he makes me break this rule, which he did when we were first dating…he kept nagging me until I had sex with him to shut him up (it was terrible sex too).

 

Yeah, your situation is really easy. He wants to have sex with you whenever he feels the need. That's pretty much it. The only positive things he talks about have to do with him having sex with you. He figures since you initiated that you are willing to do the horizontal mambo, so he's going to play it out until he a) gets want he wants b) meets someone else he wants to date or c) gets bored.

 

The only one making this complicated is you out of your want for this to mean more than it does. This is one of the more straightforward things I've read on this board in a while.

 

The only reason I'm confused is because a FWB situation really isn't possible. He works 6 days a week, commuting about 90 minutes each way, and I'm a full-time student so there isn't really time for us to see each other (one of the main reasons we broke up).

 

I admit I'm probably over thinking all of this since I tend to over-analyze everything and have difficulty understanding other people's emotions and motives, but it's still confusing to me. To be fair, he didn't start pushing the issue of sex until I sent him some flirty messages, but then we agreed it would be a terrible idea and I never intended to actually sleep with him. I just wanted to make him miss me. He's the one that kept trying to make plans. I think that's the part that's the most confusing. Why does it seem like he's willing to put in effort now that we've broken up? He never tried that hard when we were together.

[Mariposa10]

You're right, he was the dumper. I have no intention of having sex with him or anyone else for that matter.

 

 

 

My personal rule is not to have sex outside of a relationship - something he's quite aware of. Part of me thinks he's trying to see how long it will take before he makes me break this rule, which he did when we were first dating…he kept nagging me until I had sex with him to shut him up (it was terrible sex too).

 

 

 

The only reason I'm confused is because a FWB situation really isn't possible. He works 6 days a week, commuting about 90 minutes each way, and I'm a full-time student so there isn't really time for us to see each other (one of the main reasons we broke up).

 

I admit I'm probably over thinking all of this since I tend to over-analyze everything and have difficulty understanding other people's emotions and motives, but it's still confusing to me. To be fair, he didn't start pushing the issue of sex until I sent him some flirty messages, but then we agreed it would be a terrible idea and I never intended to actually sleep with him. I just wanted to make him miss me. He's the one that kept trying to make plans. I think that's the part that's the most confusing. Why does it seem like he's willing to put in effort now that we've broken up? He never tried that hard when we were together.

 

 

If he's anything like my ex, which this situation sounds a lot like my relationship. He's just doing too much blah blah, he'll cancel the plans or change his mind as soon as something becomes concrete.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are way overthinking this. I mean, you are trying to turn 2+2 = 4 into organic chemistry. You really need to stop talking to him. This is why you don't break NC when you still have feelings for the other person -- you poked the bear, he responded, now you are mindf*cking yourself because you didn't have enough sense to leave well enough alone.

 

You've opened Pandora's Box. You'd be well-advised to close it back up immediately.

[Agent Orange]

If he's anything like my ex, which this situation sounds a lot like my relationship. He's just doing too much blah blah, he'll cancel the plans or change his mind as soon as something becomes concrete.

 

With the way he's been lately, I doubt it would even get that far.

 

I mean, he's done things like this before. We had a pretty bad falling out this past spring and I really thought it was over but he made a reservation at a hotel near me just so we could meet up and talk. It wasn't until after we'd spoken that he even told me about the hotel.

[Agent Orange]

You really need to stop talking to him. This is why you don't break NC when you still have feelings for the other person -- you poked the bear, he responded, now you are mindf*cking yourself because you didn't have enough sense to leave well enough alone.

 

You've opened Pandora's Box. You'd be well-advised to close it back up immediately.

 

I appreciate that, but when I said NC was too distracting, it was a serious understatement. I have ADHD and really bad anxiety so NC was like a freight train through my consciousness and I wasn't able to get any work done. Talking to him, (as bad/dumb as it is) enables me to focus on my schoolwork. I'm in grad school so I can't B.S. my way through the assignments.

 

Honestly, I figured I'd keep up contact through the end of my finals, and ween myself off over the holiday break. And yes, I'm aware this last statement makes it seem like I have an addiction. In all fairness, he's my best friend. NC with him is like trying to swim through jell-o - not impossible, but way too damn hard.

[Simon Phoenix]

I appreciate that, but when I said NC was too distracting, it was a serious understatement. I have ADHD and really bad anxiety so NC was like a freight train through my consciousness and I wasn't able to get any work done. Talking to him, (as bad/dumb as it is) enables me to focus on my schoolwork. I'm in grad school so I can't B.S. my way through the assignments.

 

Honestly, I figured I'd keep up contact through the end of my finals, and ween myself off over the holiday break. And yes, I'm aware this last statement makes it seem like I have an addiction. In all fairness, he's my best friend. NC with him is like trying to swim through jell-o - not impossible, but way too damn hard.

 

Well, this is what happens when you give in -- your feelings and brain turn to jello. Of course NC is damn hard -- most things worth doing are. Instead of making excuses for contact, find other ways to focus yourself. You did schoolwork before you dated him and got by fine.

 

Honestly, if you stay in contact, your brain will be f*cked and eventually, so will you more than likely. No weaning -- it's time to close the door you never should have opened in the first place.

[Leigh 87]

Most guys who break up with us will string us along in some way.

 

Only men with experience and who are very decent will cut the chord and not reach out to you.

 

The vast majority of men, I have come to learn, will gladly keep you around to serve their needs until they either get bored of you, or they meet someone they like enough to date.

 

My ex also wanted me around since he loved me (not in love) and loved to be around me (hence why we were together. We laughed all day and both enjoyed being together. Yet he was never in love with me).

 

He swore he wouldn't have sex with me either. He only slipped up when drunk a couple of times.

 

He never wanted me back. He ended up dating a model 10 years younger than me, which thankgod I was not upset about, since I was already over him by that stage:lmao:

 

 

I can guarantee your case is not an exception; very few men who break up with a woman and are willing to let them go, come back for a legitimate second chance.

 

This guy wants sex. He does not want to commit to you again.

 

 

...He has demonstrated no signs of wanting a second chance with you.

 

He has ONLY mentioned things pertaining to sex!

 

My ex would even gave me false hope, and tell me he thinks we may probably get back together:sick: And he did not want to move on from me as yet and wanted to hang out a lot and "see what happens"

[Agent Orange]

Well, this is what happens when you give in -- your feelings and brain turn to jello. Of course NC is damn hard -- most things worth doing are. Instead of making excuses for contact, find other ways to focus yourself. You did schoolwork before you dated him and got by fine.

 

Honestly, if you stay in contact, your brain will be f*cked and eventually, so will you more than likely. No weaning -- it's time to close the door you never should have opened in the first place.

 

My feelings and brain turn to Jell-O through NC, not when I'm in contact with him. NC only makes my ADD and anxiety worse. And yes, though I did schoolwork before I knew him it wasn't this level of work since I met him after I finished undergrad and am currently in my second year of grad school.

 

I knew when I contacted him that I was playing with fire and honestly didn't think he'd respond at all. But given a choice between my grades and by extension my career or the situation I'm in now, I made the right decision. It was dumb, but it's worked up until now.

 

 

I can guarantee your case is not an exception; very few men who break up with a woman and are willing to let them go, come back for a legitimate second chance.

 

This guy wants sex. He does not want to commit to you again.

 

I agree, he may not want to commit to me again. That's entirely possible and more than likely. The other truth is that if he really wanted sex, he'd go out and get it. It wouldn't be hard for him. One of the main reasons he doesn't sleep around is because he worries about being setup/trapped by someone since he's a tall, good looking, young lawyer.

 

He also freaked out the other day when he thought I was encouraging him to sleep with other women.

 

I honestly think he doesn't know what he wants.

 

He has ONLY mentioned things pertaining to sex!

 

I hate that I'm defending him but he does mention other things besides sex. I mean, that's not the only thing we talk about. It's that his sudden willingness to make time for me is bizarre. He literally never did this when we were together. That's why I'm a little confused.

[Leigh 87]

I get that you mean more than just sex to him. We are not all suggesting that he doesn't care about you whatsoever...

 

My ex and I, we both reallllllly liked to spend time together.

 

After he broke up with me, he wanted to spend A LOT of time with me, without sex. He could not think about sex with me, as the break up was so raw.

 

Yet he still wanted to hang around me because I made him happy; talking to him, being around him, making him laugh and cuddling him. He wanted it all from me WITHOUT sex in the picture.

 

My ex was totally averse to sex with me after the break up, he thought it was bad news to have sex with an ex.

 

Yet he still wanted me in his life a lot.

 

 

 

HE TOO, freaked out when he thought about sex with new girls...

 

 

This is not because they want us back; they were attached to us and it is new and daunting to think about new prospects, when they have ben all about you for years or even just months.....

 

 

Just because a guy does not want to be with you and you are not the one for them, it does not mean they can easily let you go and want to bang new women right away.

 

 

 

Think about things. If he was head over heels in love with you and desperately wanted to be with you, he would.

[Agent Orange]

I get that you mean more than just sex to him. We are not all suggesting that he doesn't care about you whatsoever...

 

Okay, that makes me feel a little better. I was definitely starting to feel like an idiot earlier and that I was being attacked for breaking NC.

 

This is not because they want us back; they were attached to us and it is new and daunting to think about new prospects, when they have ben all about you for years or even just months…..

 

He's also really concerned about gold diggers, etc.

 

Just because a guy does not want to be with you and you are not the one for them, it does not mean they can easily let you go and want to bang new women right away.

 

Yeah, I can see that. We were together for a little over 4 years and best friends so it's not something easy to walk away from. To be honest, in most ways I was his only friend. He doesn't open up to 99.9% of people for fear of being judged. I have close friends I can confide in, but we have really conflicting schedules so I don't see them as much as I would like. Regardless, I have a better support system than he does which is why I know he isn't trying to use me for sex. I think it's more for emotional support. That's why I don't feel bad about breaking NC. We've become more emotionally supportive of one another than we were before the BU.

 

Think about things. If he was head over heels in love with you and desperately wanted to be with you, he would.

 

Okay, this is going to sound really bad - but I know he still loves me. It sounds desperate and insane, I know, but he's the type who can do NC very, very easily (he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks before we broke up). Furthermore, I know he misses me (mainly because he's said it) but also because he doesn't deny it. If I ask "do you miss me" he just grows silent. If he didn't miss me, he'd say so. It sounds insane, I know - but he's not subtle. If he didn't want to deal with me, he wouldn't. Hence my feeling that he doesn't know what he wants.

 

Neither of us is over this, and I'm not ready to give up which is also why I broke NC. I agree that if he wanted the relationship, we'd still be together. At the same time I should admit that when we broke up I had been a real bitch to him for a few months and we'd been in a LDR for two years with no easy solution to remedy the distance. I know him well enough to know that he's been rethinking the BU for at least the past month, if not longer. He's a stubborn one - not someone you can give orders to or he'll shut down. I realize it's possible that I'm deluding myself, and if that's the case I'll deal with it when it comes. But I don't want to give up on him. We've broken up and gotten back together more times than I can remember, so reconciliation is not impossible.

 

I've also talked to my therapist about this and he thinks the same thing - that we might get back together.

[Simon Phoenix]

My feelings and brain turn to Jell-O through NC, not when I'm in contact with him. NC only makes my ADD and anxiety worse. And yes, though I did schoolwork before I knew him it wasn't this level of work since I met him after I finished undergrad and am currently in my second year of grad school.

 

 

This sounds like a copout to legitimize contact in your mind. You are more than capable of doing your schoolwork without talking to your ex -- you just choose not to because you wanted to show him "what he was missing". Sorry, I'm not buying this. But if this is how you want to play it, than it's what you'll do. But nothing he said suggests anything remotely close to him wanting to reunite with you. He's keeping you on ice and you are letting him.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel like an idiot, I'm just giving you a guy's point of view. And based on the information given, it just sounds like he's setting you up for a backup plan. Most guys have done this at one point, myself included.

Edited December 14, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Sososad]

I have to agree too this guy doesnt sound like a good one.

I've been in these situations before where you can't function without

Them but what ur doing is like the junkie your getting a little top up every now

And then but your just putting off the inevitable your going to have to let go .

He's not offering anything like what you want .

You deserve so much better and someone that's fighting for your attention!

Think no contact will help you the most here ..

[Agent Orange]

I'm not trying to make you feel like an idiot, I'm just giving you a guy's point of view. And based on the information given, it just sounds like he's setting you up for a backup plan. Most guys have done this at one point, myself included.

 

I definitely didn't realize you were a guy which would explain the unfiltered truth. I appreciate your insight though. It's just that the situation isn't quite so black and white. I mean it could be, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

[Simon Phoenix]

I definitely didn't realize you were a guy which would explain the unfiltered truth. I appreciate your insight though. It's just that the situation isn't quite so black and white. I mean it could be, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

 

Usually situations aren't nearly as complicated as we make them. I'm sorry, I'm not seeing much grey here.