dating as a single mom

[LOVE LIFE]

I am a 33 year old single mother of two very well behaved children 10 and 13 years old. I have been dating a man who is 38 who has never been married or had children. He is a great guy and is successful. He just has a hard time communicating with me. I find myself having trouble communicating my feelings to him about different issues, afraid it might be overwhelming for him. We have been dating for about a year off and on. He is good with my kids and they do like him but I am not sure they are bonding on their own. I have them every other weekend. My boyfriend and I usually spend the entire weekend together when I don't have them, unless he or I have work. The weekends I do have them he may come to my house or we go to his for one night. He is not a very affectionate person only when intimate. He tries to suggest things to do with the kids when it is my weekends and I feel that is great for all of us but he is not connecting with them individually. He does not come over during the week because of work. we live about 15-20miles away from each other.

 

I recently was sick for 4 days straight. I was sick with a horrible cold and ear ache. At times like this I wish he would just come over and help me out, maybe with dinner and the kids and just really just see how I am doing. Being a single mom you get used to doing things on your own sick or not. At times it can be tough but we sometimes we have no other help or options. I told him how sick I was and that I took care of feeding the kids but just wanted him to come hold me. His response was "ok" I realize that was a little sensitive and he said he would want to but didn't want to get sick. A part of me understood and told him I did but a part of me felt like I just want somebody to help me out sometimes make my load a little lighter while I am sick. I have to be strong through my worst moments and I just want someone to be there with me. I have the hardest time asking because I feel like I am imposing or I am asking too much but inside it bothers me. I feel like the bond between my kids and him should be a little stronger by now and he should want to just come over and help regardless of maybe catching a cold. Is this asking too much???

[M30USA]

Why didn't you get primary custody?

[LOVE LIFE]

I do have primary custody. I have them all week and every other weekend.

[amaysngrace]

You should be telling him this instead of putting it here.

 

You're right to want someone who cares about you enough to come by to see if you're okay when you're sick.

 

But he won't know that it bothers you unless you mention it to him otherwise he will always avoid you when you're sick. Talk to him. He's not a mindreader.

[scorpio1978]

You obviously want some reassurance and that is why you posted. Yes, talk to him, but since you asked, I don't think it is too much to ask to have some help here and there. Nobody likes to get sick, but if you really care about a person, at least asking if there is anything they need or something that can be done would be nice. Some men are just clueless though and don't think like that. They don't have that nurturing part in many cases and him not having children, he might not "get it"

 

 

That said, the fact that he isn't very affectionate, doesn't see you very often, isn't bonding with your children, and isn't really giving you what you need, I wonder if the relationship is more serious with more potential to you and not to him. I don't get the feeling that he is a warm and fuzzy kind of guy, but from what you write, I wonder if he is really looking at this situation like you are a real partner of his and not just someone he dates? Does that make sense?

[valerasoy]

You obviously want some reassurance and that is why you posted. Yes, talk to him, but since you asked, I don't think it is too much to ask to have some help here and there. Nobody likes to get sick, but if you really care about a person, at least asking if there is anything they need or something that can be done would be nice. Some men are just clueless though and don't think like that. They don't have that nurturing part in many cases and him not having children, he might not "get it"

 

 

That said, the fact that he isn't very affectionate, doesn't see you very often, isn't bonding with your children, and isn't really giving you what you need, I wonder if the relationship is more serious with more potential to you and not to him. I don't get the feeling that he is a warm and fuzzy kind of guy, but from what you write, I wonder if he is really looking at this situation like you are a real partner of his and not just someone he dates? Does that make sense?

 

 

I agree with this. I had to comment on this post because my mom is going through, or was, going through something similar. The man she was seeing never been married or had children. It was hard for him to relate, so he didn't understand the struggles of a single mother.

 

I think it's great that you're considering your kids, and the connection between your bf. Too many parents don't consider how the kids will feel, or how well they get along with "other" man, or woman. I too know how this feels, and it creates a lot of resentment. Especially if you are investing all this time and energy into this one person, just to eventually be taken out and replaced by someone new.

 

I agree with past post, tell him everything you told us. I notice that you mentioned that you're not entirely comfortable with expressing yourself to him. It's probably for a reason..just food for thought. But tell him anyway, and hope for the best.

 

I hope everything works!

[Elliotte]

Somehow I doubt he is the type of guy you are expecting him to be, he reminds me a lot of my son's mother's boyfriends. When a guy is nearing his forties and has never married nor had children, but is dating around, that is likely for one reason; he's not a 'family man'. He used to being independent, enjoying his freedoms from responsibilities and/or focusing on his career.

 

You've been dating him for a year, while it's doubtful he'd be fitting right in with the family at this point, you should definitely be able to tell where his intentions are; does he want to have a casual girlfriend, or does he want to take this relationship somewhere? Seems like he is the former.

 

You should decide if that's the type of guy you want, and if so, let him have his space and don't expect a helping hand if you have a cold. If you want a guy to be there for you and become part of your family, tell that too him straight, do NOT worry about if you're 'imposing', and if he's not that type of guy, which all signs point to, then it is time to look elsewhere.