Question from MM to OW

[ZMM]

First - I already know that an affair is a bad thing to do. I know that I am not a good person and most of you think I should try and work on my marriage or get a divorce. I understand that and more than likely will do one of those two options.

 

But my question is directed at OW out there.

 

Here is a summary of my situation. I am in love with my OW, I am not in love with my W. I have no children and am sorry I fell in love with OW when I was married, but it happened.

 

My OW has cut out the PA and EA portion of our relationship. She has done this because she says it isn't right and she doesn't want to have to be sneaking around, etc. We are still friends and text with each other daily. I am pretty sure, if we were together in the right situation, that she would relent at least on the physical aspect. In fact, I am almost positive of this. But, I really don't want to push her to do something she does not feel good about. And, I really don't feel that great about it either.

 

She has always kind of hung it out there, that I really should get out of my bad marriage. She will ask me a question about my wife, kind of knowing what the answer will be (which points out to me, bad things about my wife). When I tell her the answer - she will say she is sorry for asking, then she will go onto say she is just so frustrated. I don't press her for what she means by this.

 

The other thing is, from the beginning she has told me that she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and she said that still holds true. The other day, I kind of pressed her on that and she said, well I really didn't know what I want.

 

Anyway, trying to read between the lines, I get the feeling, that she does not want to be the cause of me getting a divorce, but she wants me to get one and to be with her.

 

It is very possible that I may get a divorce regardless of what she feels as I am not happy in my M and haven't been for a very long time. But, I will suffer a significant financial blow if I do this. So, this is a big concern of mine.

 

However, if she feels the same way about me that I do about her, then it might well be worth it. If she is wanting to pursue a relationship with me, It would put me on a much quicker timeline.

 

My question is: is it wrong for me to get her to validate her feelings for me, how she sees things going forward? Is this something that might possibly make her feel bad about herself, that is if she broke up a marriage? Would I be better off going slower and just do it on my own, even though if and when that happens is unknown (I mean which would be better for her)?

 

I do realize, that if I ask for the validation, I need to be willing to do what is needed to make it happen.

[Eggplant]

My question is: is it wrong for me to get her to validate her feelings for me, how she sees things going forward? Is this something that might possibly make her feel bad about herself, that is if she broke up a marriage? Would I be better off going slower and just do it on my own, even though if and when that happens is unknown (I mean which would be better for her)?

I was in a similar situation, (didn't know he was married until his wife told me) and I gave up a man I was madly in love with, and I've never felt that with anybody, because a) he was a liar and b) it would be a living hell for me to be responsible for the break-up of a family. If she is like me at all, then if you ask her to validate her feelings before you broke up your marriage, that would guarantee that you two could never be together. Do not make her responsible for your own failure.

[experiencethedevine]

First - I already know that an affair is a bad thing to do. I know that I am not a good person and most of you think I should try and work on my marriage or get a divorce. I understand that and more than likely will do one of those two options.

 

But my question is directed at OW out there.

 

Here is a summary of my situation. I am in love with my OW, I am not in love with my W. I have no children and am sorry I fell in love with OW when I was married, but it happened.

 

My OW has cut out the PA and EA portion of our relationship. She has done this because she says it isn't right and she doesn't want to have to be sneaking around, etc. We are still friends and text with each other daily. I am pretty sure, if we were together in the right situation, that she would relent at least on the physical aspect. In fact, I am almost positive of this. But, I really don't want to push her to do something she does not feel good about. And, I really don't feel that great about it either.

 

She has always kind of hung it out there, that I really should get out of my bad marriage. She will ask me a question about my wife, kind of knowing what the answer will be (which points out to me, bad things about my wife). When I tell her the answer - she will say she is sorry for asking, then she will go onto say she is just so frustrated. I don't press her for what she means by this.

 

The other thing is, from the beginning she has told me that she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and she said that still holds true. The other day, I kind of pressed her on that and she said, well I really didn't know what I want.

 

Anyway, trying to read between the lines, I get the feeling, that she does not want to be the cause of me getting a divorce, but she wants me to get one and to be with her.

 

It is very possible that I may get a divorce regardless of what she feels as I am not happy in my M and haven't been for a very long time. But, I will suffer a significant financial blow if I do this. So, this is a big concern of mine.

 

However, if she feels the same way about me that I do about her, then it might well be worth it. If she is wanting to pursue a relationship with me, It would put me on a much quicker timeline.

 

My question is: is it wrong for me to get her to validate her feelings for me, how she sees things going forward? Is this something that might possibly make her feel bad about herself, that is if she broke up a marriage? Would I be better off going slower and just do it on my own, even though if and when that happens is unknown (I mean which would be better for her)?

 

I do realize, that if I ask for the validation, I need to be willing to do what is needed to make it happen.

 

 

For goodness sake stop dithering and get out of your marriage.

 

 

You clearly state your long term unhappiness, so grow some and leave it. Money and things are not the be all and end all.

 

 

Your other woman is likely to be frustrated with the situation as a whole and doesn't want to be responsible for your marital demise.

 

 

Don't make her. Get out of your failed marriage.

 

 

THEN you can decide what to do for both of you, but don't dally around because you want to make sure you have your other woman to go to so that you won't be alone.

[Mascara]

No idea why you think you'd take a big financial hit. You don't have kids, and most jurisdictions don't expect you to support a wife when there are no children involved.

[Ruffian1]

Would I be better off going slower and just do it on my own, even though if and when that happens is unknown (I mean which would be better for her)?

 

NO.

 

Quit making a fool of your W and using her. Try just this once to think what would be better for your W! I'll give you a hint, you should tell her you don't love her anymore and D her. Your OW knows exactly what she is doing. Are you scared if you D you W it may not work out with OW? Trying to hedge your bets??

 

You show no consideration at all for your W as a human being.

 

It's all --what's in it for me, keep my money, relationship with OW, etc.

 

Leave her already. You will have to take your chances with OW.

[Got it]

You should divorce without regard to having someone else in the wings. If you are done with your marriage then end it now. You can't "hedge the bets" by finding out if OW wants a long term relationship before you leave.

 

I was a MOW. I realized I wanted to divorce even prior to the affair but a couple major points that really clarified it for me, one, when I was traveling for work and realized I was happier alone in the hotel room than home with him and two, when I slept with my MM. To do that meant I had no respect for the marriage and needed to be done.

 

Neither woman is there as your security blanket. You need to stand on your own two feet. If the OW wasn't there at all, would you divorce? If your answer is no then you need to stop communicating with her and focus back on your marriage.

[Popsicle]

 

Anyway, trying to read between the lines, I get the feeling, that she does not want to be the cause of me getting a divorce, but she wants me to get one and to be with her.

.

 

Yes it's this. All the way.

[Cinnimon]

No OW wants to be the reason your marriage breaks up (at least the ones that I have read about). In most cases, mm tell the OW that the marriage is and has been broken for a long time and that it is only a matter of time before it is over, thus being the reason most OW stay and wait. I'm not saying this is what has happened in your case but it sure sounds familiar. I wish I could have been more like your OW and not gotten wrapped up in it for years (3 1/2) but I did and I am regretting it now.

[experiencethedevine]

As usually occurs when opinions are requested but ignored, there is a failure to respond.

 

 

Usually because those involved willingly in the affair, those who are the AP or WS, are unable or unwilling to recognise the truth while the person who deserves it, for the majority, remains excluded by virtue of having no knowledge of their involvement in this triangle.

[Popsicle]

It was an interesting post, nonetheless.

[janedoe67]

I am not an OW, but I am a woman. I think it is unfair of you to push her to lower her guard just to give you "reassurance" about ending a marriage you should probably end anyway. It feels like manipulation.

[whichwayisup]

I am not an OW, but I am a woman. I think it is unfair of you to push her to lower her guard just to give you "reassurance" about ending a marriage you should probably end anyway. It feels like manipulation.

 

Agreed. Manipulation selfishly, not maliciously...

 

Anyway, your marriage should end because you don't love your wife and you'd rather be alone than stay married. OW or not, your wife deserves a shot at love with someone else, so let her go - It's selfish of you to stay married knowing how unhappy you are and seems you're only staying married for the benefits of it all and comfort/companionship/familiar person around.

 

Get divorced, be alone for a while, find "you" and be independent, live alone and grow, then 'date' your OW in a proper and honest way. Your OW wants to be loved, respected and NOT be second fiddle. Right now she is because you are married. Respect her enough to let her go - If you two are right for one another, when the timing is better, then ask her out and hope she'll say yes! If not, then you are free to live your life as a single divorced guy.

[SunsetRed]

I know exactly how your OW feels. I wanted him to get divorced so bad and his marriage was horrible long before he met me. I wanted him to get divorced because his marriage was bad and then marry me because things w me were good. I did NOT want to be a homewrecker and did not want him to leave the W just because of me. I felt that if I took another womans husband, Id have bad karma come to me, that somehow the Universe would punish me. But, if the home/marriage were already wrecked, and he wanted to come to me, that was good.

 

So, you are wanting to get confirmation that if you leave your marriage, the OW will be waiting for you. I still think you need to leave your marriage for yourself, not for the OW. If you leave for yourself, because the M is bad, and then things w the OW take off, great. Just don't make her feel responsible for the demise of your marriage and for hurting your W.

 

Also, take some time out to be on your own. Once you leave your M, you can actually date the OW like a respectable man and can treat her like a respectable woman.

 

Don't put anything on your OW. She's been accommodating enough.

[ZMM]

Eggplant - yes, that is what I was thinking.

 

experiencethedevine - you are correct. Actually, she is still married as well, but she is separtated. Her separated husband does not live in the same area and he is dating and openly involved in another relationship. They will not get back together, but haven't divorced yet due to other reasons I don't want to go into here.

 

Mascara - I think not only would I lose 1/2 my assets but I think there would be some spousal support at least for a period of time. That is what my research has indicated. But, I need to speak with an attorney to know for sure.

 

Ruffian1 - I know there is a possibility that it may not work out with OW, regardless. You just never know as there are no guarantees in life. I am not afraid of that. I have no fear of being alone. It's somewhat complicated as to why I might not D. Part of it is finanacial and part of it is other reasons I can't go into.

 

Got It - I agree neither woman is there to be a security blanket for me. I wish this never happened and I could deal with this issue without influence of OW. But it did, so here I am.

 

Popsicle - That is what I thought. But, I didn't trust my judgement.

 

Cinnimon - OW already knew M was broken. Due to circumstances, she observered it. Early on, she actually pointed out somethings that I knew about, but hadn't really taken to heart.

 

experiencethedevine - Time difference. Sorry, I am responding now.

 

Popsicle - Yeah, don't get a lot of MMs on here, at least it seems that way. More from OW. I read the OW posts on this board and they have given me some insight. THANKS

 

janedoe67 - I agree, that is what I thought, but just wanted confirmation. I do not want to put her in that situation.

 

whichwayisup - again, you are right.

 

SunsetRed - Thanks - I know you are right.

 

-------

Thanks for all your replies. I read them all and took all of them to heart.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You have to fix your situation first - you OW has nothing to do with your current marriage. If you want out, get a divorce - but you are going to have to do it not expecting OW will be waiting for you. It is possible she is waiting for that, but no one knows the future for certain.

 

It is not fair for you to do what you are doing to your wife. Address it with her - this is only fair. Unfortunately in a no fault state you most likely will be looking at a 50/50 split of assets and some sort of alimony - get some advice from an attorney and then the rest of it is in the negotiations. Thankfully you don't have children.

 

But I think it is smart to go completely NC with the OW while you are working all of this out.

 

My hat is off to her for ending it.

[ZMM]

Your situation didn't "happen". You created it. you CHOSE to fall i n love with her, chose to allow feelings to develop, to nurture the relationship. People dont just "fall in love" with no control over it.

 

I guess you are partially correct, if not totally.

 

We were strictly platonic friends - at least I thought we were. It was somebody I just really liked hanging out with. I thought it was just mutual interests and similar personalities. I remember when I felt something strange and wasn't sure what was going on. I did not act on it, I chose to ignore it. I thought maybe it was a crush or an infatuation. I actually tried some techniques to change this feeling, to kill my attraction to this woman. It didn't really work. But, I was able to get her out of my mind. Then, due to circumstances we were thrown together again. And things kind of developed from there. That is when it turned into a EA (but I was not familiar with that term and didn't know there was such a thing). After several months it moved to a PA, but this only lasted a short time. As both of us knew it was not the right thing to do. But, again circumstances brought us back together on several occasions. Most of the time, we were able to control it and not give in to our desires. But, we were not totally successful.

 

I could not control my feelings, I felt what I felt. That is what I was referring to. But you are right, I could have controlled my actions. I agree, I have not been a good person. I have been married for a long time and had never cheated before this. I also had never cheated in any of my previous relationships throughout my life. I have destroyed my integrity and will never be able to gain it back. So, you are right! I am at fault and it's my problem. Nobody else is to blame for what I did.

[ZMM]

You have to fix your situation first - you OW has nothing to do with your current marriage. If you want out, get a divorce - but you are going to have to do it not expecting OW will be waiting for you. It is possible she is waiting for that, but no one knows the future for certain.

 

Yes I understand that. Actually, neither one of us know how we would feel after all is said and done.

 

 

It is not fair for you to do what you are doing to your wife. Address it with her - this is only fair. Unfortunately in a no fault state you most likely will be looking at a 50/50 split of assets and some sort of alimony - get some advice from an attorney and then the rest of it is in the negotiations. Thankfully you don't have children.

 

Yes

 

But I think it is smart to go completely NC with the OW while you are working all of this out.

 

My hat is off to her for ending it.

 

You might be right, but as of yet, we haven't taken that step. Our contact is very minimal and some of it can't be avoided.

[Eggplant]

I am in love with my OW, I am not in love with my W.

Sorry for the digression, but I am curious. Were you ever in love with your W? I am curious whether husbands fall out of love, or whether they simply never were in love.

[whichwayisup]

Nobody else is to blame for what I did.

It's great that you are owning what you've done, but your OW (exOW) is not a victim in this..she willingly participated in an affair, knowing full well that you were married, so some of this is on her as well. It takes two to have an affair.

[ZMM]

Sorry for the digression, but I am curious. Were you ever in love with your W? I am curious whether husbands fall out of love, or whether they simply never were in love.

 

I'm not sure. I don't think I really was. I had been in a couple of LTRs when I was younger - they ended badly for me.

 

So, I went a long time, maybe 10 years before getting involved again. I think maybe I was lonely. I wasn't really ready to get married, at least not to her and kind of felt pushed into it. I know not real bright on my part. But it is what it is. Things didn't really go that good from the beginning, even on the honeymoon and it kind of went downhill from there. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad, but I don't think we were ever really compatible. I have been a good provider, so I assume that is some of her appeal for me.

 

Another thing is, I have no real experience in breaking off a LTR, let alone a M. I think that is one of the reasons I have stayed around so long.

[ZMM]

but your OW (exOW) is not a victim in this..she willingly participated in an affair, knowing full well that you were married, so some of this is on her as well. It takes two to have an affair.

 

I guess, but I would say more on me because I was the one cheating on my spouse. She was maybe not following the rules regarding marriage, but she wasn't cheating on her spouse. Not sure that makes a difference to everyone, but that is the way I see it.

[Popsicle]

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are well off financially will tolerate a miserable romantic life simply to avoid giving up a portion of their piles of money. I mean, I can understand if someone is strapped, and cant make rent without 2 incomes, and therefore is hesitant to separate, but for those well off and comfy....is downgrading from a BWM to a used Honda REALLY too painful as to justify staying in a bad, loveless marriage? (just an example w/ the cars.... lol)

 

I know, right? This dumbfounds me too, and causes me to conclude that it's more than money (or more than the kids for that matter). They either love the wife/husband more than they think, or don't love the OW/OM as much as they think.

[bentleychic]

I honestly think some of it is also loyalty (everybody don't jump on that at once), responsibility and not wanting to look badly to other people.

[Popsicle]

I honestly think some of it is also loyalty (everybody don't jump on that at once), responsibility and not wanting to look badly to other people.

 

Yes! For sure.

[ZMM]

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are well off financially will tolerate a miserable romantic life simply to avoid giving up a portion of their piles of money. I mean, I can understand if someone is strapped, and cant make rent without 2 incomes, and therefore is hesitant to separate, but for those well off and comfy....is downgrading from a BWM to a used Honda REALLY too painful as to justify staying in a bad, loveless marriage? (just an example w/ the cars.... lol)

 

Thanks - but finances can be complicated and it's not necessary that one has piles of money to be concerned about them. If you have none, it probably doesn't matter. If you have tons, no problem there either. It's in the middle where you have issues. Age plays a factor here as well. In addition, sometimes you may have obligations that don't necessarily involve children, but are important none the less.