Question from MM to OW

[findingnemo]

 

What else can be so major as to prevent you from truly starting this right now?

 

 

This ^^^ is a good way of beginning to examine your needs and eventually your motives. What is so major that it is preventing you from deciding right now that you deserve to be happy? It is like working backwards to figure things out. Say you decided right now to announce you're leaving your M. What would happen if you walked into your house, made the announcement, packed a bag and left?

[ZMM]

That you can't discuss here? Really? If they're about your wife...they're not your problem to figure out...they're hers. Divorcing also means giving up the rights to decide those things on her behalf, and giving up the responsibility for resolving them.

 

What else can be so major as to prevent you from truly starting this right now?

 

I'm not going divulge so much information that it might expose my identity. I don't mean to you. You don't know me. At least I don't think you do. However, there are some readers out there who might start putting the pieces together. I will just say there are some factors that need to be considered.

 

And I'm not talking about months, I'm talking a couple of weeks.

 

In addition, a few posters have suggested attempting one more time to bring up MC and some other ideas. They have made some good points that I am considering.

 

I'll take care of this as quick as I can.

 

I get your point, you think I am stalling and being indecisive and in the end won't do anything. And that is unfair to everyone involved. I get that. You are right, that is unfair. But, that's not what I am going to do.

 

I've read a lot of posts on this thread and others, where everyone is pushing the OP to do something immediately. I guess because so often no action is ever taken in these situations. At least that is what I am assuming. However, I've made mistakes before by rushing into things. This time I want to get it right.

 

In the end, I get to decide the timing.

[ZMM]

This ^^^ is a good way of beginning to examine your needs and eventually your motives. What is so major that it is preventing you from deciding right now that you deserve to be happy? It is like working backwards to figure things out. Say you decided right now to announce you're leaving your M. What would happen if you walked into your house, made the announcement, packed a bag and left?

 

It can't work that way. I wish it could. Again, I can't be too definitive here - there are some dependency/mental issues that would make that extremely cruel on my part.

 

OWL says that's not my problem - but I wouldn't do that to ANY friend of mine.

[Owl]

It can't work that way. I wish it could. Again, I can't be too definitive here - there are some dependency/mental issues that would make that extremely cruel on my part.

 

OWL says that's not my problem - but I wouldn't do that to ANY friend of mine.

 

 

Then why are you having an affair that's likely to be the greatest emotional trauma she's likely to have faced in her life, even in light of what she's already suffered?

 

You've ALREADY done it her...she just doesn't know it yet.

 

If that was going to stop you...you wouldn't be posting here now.

[ZMM]

Then why are you having an affair that's likely to be the greatest emotional trauma she's likely to have faced in her life, even in light of what she's already suffered?

 

You've ALREADY done it her...she just doesn't know it yet.

 

If that was going to stop you...you wouldn't be posting here now.

 

I don't know. I guess I wasn't capable of going over a decade with no affection, no sex. I should have addressed it earlier. I should have handled it differently. I should have lived my life totally different. Too bad I didn't.

[Owl]

If you wouldn't do that to any friend...but you've already done worse to her...then divorcing her would at least free her up from the opportunity for more pain from you, right?

[ZMM]

If you wouldn't do that to any friend...but you've already done worse to her...then divorcing her would at least free her up from the opportunity for more pain from you, right?

 

Okay, I understand your POV. You may be right. You may be wrong.

[ZMM]

One other thing. I've been cheated on before. At least two times that I know of. It was at two different times with two different women, both times we were in committed live-in LTRs. They didn't tell me, I just found out.

 

Both times, I forgave them and we moved on. I didn't have the same reaction as most of the posters on LS. Yeah it hurt. But, I got over it.

 

It wasn't good, but it wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to me. Not even close.

 

I do think cheating is wrong and I never cheated on either of those woman. I had no desire to. Yes, I cheated on my wife. Yes, it was wrong. And no, it won't happen again.

Edited December 16, 2013 by ZMM

[AlwaysGrowing]

I don't really believe the idea that everyone deserves happiness. It is the same entitlement thought process that many use to make poor choices or hurt others.

 

I think more along the lines of ....why haven't you worked towards being more happy in your life. Why haven't you taken any initiative on your behalf to change things? Why is self advocating difficult for you?

[blue963]

You need to do what you need to do in your own time. Dont allow yourself to be swayed by the pushing of those here on the board. We are not familiar with all of your circumstances. Sometimes that can be a real problem when posting here. We are so quick to give advice without knowing all of the facts.

[whichwayisup]

If you wouldn't do that to any friend...but you've already done worse to her...then divorcing her would at least free her up from the opportunity for more pain from you, right?

 

He isnt going to tell her what he's done. Cheated and had an affair. If his wife has mental issues and/or other health issues that will complicate things, make the divorce difficult, then that's why he probably won't come clean.

[ZMM]

I don't really believe the idea that everyone deserves happiness. It is the same entitlement thought process that many use to make poor choices or hurt others.

 

I think more along the lines of ....why haven't you worked towards being more happy in your life. Why haven't you taken any initiative on your behalf to change things? Why is self advocating difficult for you?

 

I never really thought about any of this stuff, before I came here. I have never read any self-help book and have never watched tv programs pertaining to those topics. In these areas, I am ignorant.

 

Why I haven't worked towards being more happy in my life? Why I haven't taken any initiative on my own behalf to change things? Why is self advocating difficult for me?

 

Regarding happiness, I found happiness in other pursuits, in areas I enjoy and feel I am doing some good.

 

Regarding initiative to change things and self advocating, I tried in the past. Maybe was not as forceful or demanding as I should have been. Maybe I had no idea how to do it correctly given my circumstances. I guess I just gave up.

 

These are not excuses. These are failings.

[ZMM]

You need to do what you need to do in your own time. Dont allow yourself to be swayed by the pushing of those here on the board. We are not familiar with all of your circumstances. Sometimes that can be a real problem when posting here. We are so quick to give advice without knowing all of the facts.

 

I know some people see things only as black or white, sometimes it is not that simple.

[ZMM]

He isnt going to tell her what he's done. Cheated and had an affair. If his wife has mental issues and/or other health issues that will complicate things, make the divorce difficult, then that's why he probably won't come clean.

 

I don't know on this. If it serves a purpose other than to clear my conscious, then I might.

 

If you are thinking it has some financial consequence, it does not.

[whichwayisup]

I don't know on this. If it serves a purpose other than to clear my conscious, then I might.

 

If you are thinking it has some financial consequence, it does not.

 

Wasn't thinking at all about the money aspect of this. My train of thought was more mental health and situational issues with your wife by ending your marriage to her.

 

The comfort level you have at home, you're there together, as roommates, like her a lot, care for her of course, but you're not "in love" as a husband should be with his wife.. This is why many MM can't or won't leave their wives, fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of not having companionship after living with and being with someone for so long. All those are not good enough reasons to stay married though, so you and your wife do need to talk and come to some sort of agreement together. She could be just as unhappy, so try to have a real open and honest talk with her. If you are uncomfortable, write her a heart felt letter, sit down beside her and let her read it, then talk. Or ask her to write you a letter back. Some couples do this when needing to talk and it can help..different way of communicating but at least it's communicating.

[findingnemo]

It can't work that way. I wish it could. Again, I can't be too definitive here - there are some dependency/mental issues that would make that extremely cruel on my part.

 

OWL says that's not my problem - but I wouldn't do that to ANY friend of mine.

 

I understand. So you need IC. There are ways to disengage from any and all situations. If she is suicidal or threatens suicide when you have major blowouts, then you really need to get professional help.

 

Whatever the case, the drastic option seems to be worth thinking about. You wouldn't be leaving but you would be informing her that the situation in your M has become untenable. If she is suicidal, call the police. If she is simply dependent on you for other reasons, telling the truth will lead to an honest conversation.

[findingnemo]

I know some people see things only as black or white, sometimes it is not that simple.

 

ZMM, some things really are black or white. Marriages, and families and homes are not. They are complex things that should be handled for the benefit of those involved regardless of what people outside of them think.

 

The conventional options you have are to a) tell her and get a divorce, or b) stop the A, tell your W and work on your M. Those are the black or white options. The grey options include a) saying nothing and hoping life works itself out, b) telling your W you are in love with a OW but agreeing to stay M to her and look after her, c) committing your W to an institution if she has mental problems but being open about seeing OW...etc. There are quite a number of grey options but we aren't able to advise you specifically since we don't have the details (as we shouldn't). I do hope though that you get a sense that your situation is not hopeless. That there are options for you.

Edited December 17, 2013 by findingnemo
Typo

[Got it]

I don't really believe the idea that everyone deserves happiness. It is the same entitlement thought process that many use to make poor choices or hurt others.

 

I think more along the lines of ....why haven't you worked towards being more happy in your life. Why haven't you taken any initiative on your behalf to change things? Why is self advocating difficult for you?

 

Live, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

[ZMM]

I understand. So you need IC. There are ways to disengage from any and all situations. If she is suicidal or threatens suicide when you have major blowouts, then you really need to get professional help.

 

Whatever the case, the drastic option seems to be worth thinking about. You wouldn't be leaving but you would be informing her that the situation in your M has become untenable. If she is suicidal, call the police. If she is simply dependent on you for other reasons, telling the truth will lead to an honest conversation.

 

You are very intuitive. Thanks.

[ZMM]

I do hope though that you get a sense that your situation is not hopeless. That there are options for you.

 

That has been my problem. I haven't given up. Thanks.

[ZMM]

ZMM, some things really are black or white. Marriages, and families and homes are not. They are complex things that should be handled for the benefit of those involved regardless of what people outside of them think.

 

The conventional options you have are to a) tell her and get a divorce, or b) stop the A, tell your W and work on your M. Those are the black or white options. The grey options include a) saying nothing and hoping life works itself out, b) telling your W you are in love with a OW but agreeing to stay M to her and look after her, c) committing your W to an institution if she has mental problems but being open about seeing OW...etc. There are quite a number of grey options but we aren't able to advise you specifically since we don't have the details (as we shouldn't). I do hope though that you get a sense that your situation is not hopeless. That there are options for you.

 

For the record. The A hasn't been going on for 15 months. There was an incident 8 months ago. So, we will say hasn't been going on for 8 months. But, my feelings haven't changed, just my actions and I came to LS because it was becoming unbearable.

Edited December 17, 2013 by ZMM

[Snowflower]

It can't work that way. I wish it could. Again, I can't be too definitive here - there are some dependency/mental issues that would make that extremely cruel on my part.

 

 

Why do cheating spouses always say that their BS is mental?

[ZMM]

Why do cheating spouses always say that their BS is mental?

 

I don't know, but maybe in some cases, they have actually attempted suicide in the past. Maybe, they also have some other major issues that they won't address. Maybe they won't leave the house anymore. Maybe they refuse to get professional help. Maybe they won't even go to a doctor for other health reasons. Maybe they consider it an act of betrayal if you discuss it with anyone else, including their family members. These are just some possible reasons.

[Snowflower]

I don't know, but maybe in some cases, they have actually attempted suicide in the past. Maybe, they also have some other major issues that they won't address. Maybe they won't leave the house anymore. Maybe they refuse to get professional help. Maybe they won't even go to a doctor for other health reasons. Maybe they consider it an act of betrayal if you discuss it with anyone else, including their family members. These are just some possible reasons.

 

Okay, thank you for answering. I know you didn't want to get too specific for privacy reasons.

 

I just find it interesting that so many cheating men will say their spouses don't leave the house, don't take care of themselves, have medical issues, etc. Did all you cheating men marry the same woman?

 

Please just understand that these reasons are a very common justification for cheating if one is inclined to do so.

 

I became pretty depressed during my H's affair before I knew what was going on. He had pulled away and something was just wrong! I admit to getting pretty depressed. He used my depression (that he was certainly contributing to) as further justification to continue the A. I was obviously depressed and negative because something was very wrong in my life. I just didn't understand what it was. So, my H contributed to the situation and then complained about it.

 

Could this possibly be what you are doing?

[experiencethedevine]

Okay, thank you for answering. I know you didn't want to get too specific for privacy reasons.

 

I just find it interesting that so many cheating men will say their spouses don't leave the house, don't take care of themselves, have medical issues, etc. Did all you cheating men marry the same woman?

 

Please just understand that these reasons are a very common justification for cheating if one is inclined to do so.

 

I became pretty depressed during my H's affair before I knew what was going on. He had pulled away and something was just wrong! I admit to getting pretty depressed. He used my depression (that he was certainly contributing to) as further justification to continue the A. I was obviously depressed and negative because something was very wrong in my life. I just didn't understand what it was. So, my H contributed to the situation and then complained about it.

 

Could this possibly be what you are doing?

 

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you Snowflower. You have no idea how common this is in reality.

 

 

The sense that something is wrong, the onset of depression, the exacerbation of the situation due to the depression, and the inexcusable continuation of the affair under such a terrible burden for the BS with no understanding or comprehension (until dday) of it's origin is all too familiar ...............

 

 

You have my profound sympathy and understanding.