Question from MM to OW

[Baby123]

Share and ignore rude/off topic responses

[ZMM]

Share and ignore rude/off topic responses

 

Probably would give too much away. Also, not a good time to take on a bunch of attacks.

[flowingmane]

Something weird happened yesterday. Too bad I don't feel I can share on this open forum. I sure could use another opinion

 

Wish I could help by giving you someone off whom to bounce thoughts I understand - reciting any conversation or even reference to a sequence of events is risky online.

 

I feel schizophrenic myself as I'm fighting a battle of faith right now inside my own heart and head. Has been an incredibly tough couple of days. And no way to possibly validate any of the answers I piece together. All I can do is wait. And try not to set up a self fulfilling prophecy out of fear of the unknown. Which is what I think I already started and pray I can turn around

[ZMM]

Wish I could help by giving you someone off whom to bounce thoughts I understand - reciting any conversation or even reference to a sequence of events is risky online.

 

I feel schizophrenic myself as I'm fighting a battle of faith right now inside my own heart and head. Has been an incredibly tough couple of days. And no way to possibly validate any of the answers I piece together. All I can do is wait. And try not to set up a self fulfilling prophecy out of fear of the unknown. Which is what I think I already started and pray I can turn around

 

 

Thanks.

 

Sometimes I think you have to believe if it's going to work out it will and just go on from there. I know, easier said than done.

 

Try not to worry too much!

[Got it]

ZMM - as a former MOW who is married to her MM while believing is important, for myself at least, so were actions. I don't assume all situations are the same but I wanted timelines, actionable items, and a plan to getting there. Life is hard, throwing in an affair is even harder and one has to have a game plan for life. Hoping and praying will get you jacked and only reactive instead of proactive.

 

I gave him x amount of time and I walked. He is a lucky man as he realized what he lost and quickly came after me but life is not living if one is left in a holding pattern.

 

Just know, ever inaction is an action. Some can happily stay in affairs and I say more power to them but for myself I was in it for him, not to be in an affair. But it isn't that way for all. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

[flowingmane]

Thanks.

 

Sometimes I think you have to believe if it's going to work out it will and just go on from there. I know, easier said than done.

 

Try not to worry too much!

 

Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever gets married, if guys don't communicate and women over analyze, lol.

 

Thanks. That means a lot coming from someone in your situation.

[ZMM]

ZMM - as a former MOW who is married to her MM while believing is important, for myself at least, so were actions. I don't assume all situations are the same but I wanted timelines, actionable items, and a plan to getting there. Life is hard, throwing in an affair is even harder and one has to have a game plan for life. Hoping and praying will get you jacked and only reactive instead of proactive.

 

I gave him x amount of time and I walked. He is a lucky man as he realized what he lost and quickly came after me but life is not living if one is left in a holding pattern.

 

Just know, ever inaction is an action. Some can happily stay in affairs and I say more power to them but for myself I was in it for him, not to be in an affair. But it isn't that way for all. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

 

Yes, I understand and you are correct. Thanks.

[Aspasia33]

Like they say " it's complicated:)"

 

I think this forum is great. It helps a lot of people.

 

 

 

Yeah it was.

[Aspasia33]

ZMM.. I am glad you have weathered the storm here. You have got some really wonderful responses, and I'm sure it is also a comfort? To the OW here to read your thoughts.

In regards to not knowing where your OW is at.. That's a difficult one. I think it is the same as any relationship, radical honesty is called for. And I will clarify that, as much honesty as you think the other person can deal with. I did the radical honesty route with hubby years ago ( before my affair) and he didn't take it to well:)

I also believe that whilst people are not interchangeable.. If you work on yourself , someone you love and fit will always come along.

[ZMM]

ZMM.. I am glad you have weathered the storm here. You have got some really wonderful responses, and I'm sure it is also a comfort? To the OW here to read your thoughts.

In regards to not knowing where your OW is at.. That's a difficult one. I think it is the same as any relationship, radical honesty is called for. And I will clarify that, as much honesty as you think the other person can deal with. I did the radical honesty route with hubby years ago ( before my affair) and he didn't take it to well:)

I also believe that whilst people are not interchangeable.. If you work on yourself , someone you love and fit will always come along.

 

It's interesting, because I could read OW's motives several different ways.

 

If I wanted to look at her negatively, I could say

She enticed me

then she pulled back

then when I had kind of broken away, she reeled me back in

then she pulled back - waiting for me to disolve my M

 

But, my gut tells me, it is not some plan, just her way of negotiating through everything.

 

Any thoughts?

[Aspasia33]

Ah... ZMm.. The story of my affair.

So what's in the OW mind:

 

Does he love me?

Is it just sex?

Do I want this responsibility?

Do I really know him?

Am I ready for this?

How can I make him reassure me?

If I'm open with him, will he get bored?

He's cheating on his wife, can I trust him ?( unfair, but there)

Do I want the hassle of a phycho ex wife?

 

So theses were my feelings.. And TBH still are with my MM. Most of the time he really doesn't know where I'm at.

[Aspasia33]

And... Women love a man that pulls away, it's what makes mills and boons do popular!!!

Woman need distance, not intimacy. Woman also get bored sexually quicker with a long term partner. I know this goes against all the popular phycho babble today but it's true.

That's why peolle have affairs, because women are bored with there husbands the minute they marry them, they can't understand why, blame it on men not doing house work et, hubbies bend over backwoods trying to accommodate them, it doesn't work. So the angry bored wives Look elsewhere, and so do the husbands, neither realising that enforced lifelong monogamy is totally unatural.

 

It's interesting, because I could read OW's motives several different ways.

 

If I wanted to look at her negatively, I could say

She enticed me

then she pulled back

then when I had kind of broken away, she reeled me back in

then she pulled back - waiting for me to disolve my M

 

But, my gut tells me, it is not some plan, just her way of negotiating through everything.

 

Any thoughts?

[flowingmane]

It's interesting, because I could read OW's motives several different ways.

 

If I wanted to look at her negatively, I could say

She enticed me

then she pulled back

then when I had kind of broken away, she reeled me back in

then she pulled back - waiting for me to disolve my M

 

But, my gut tells me, it is not some plan, just her way of negotiating through everything.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Perhaps she has good self control and respects your situation. You guys seem to have a good thing going.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens when you're in a full blown "normal" relationship since you waited, unlike me.

[ZMM]

Ah... ZMm.. The story of my affair.

So what's in the OW mind:

 

Does he love me?

Is it just sex?

Do I want this responsibility?

Do I really know him?

Am I ready for this?

How can I make him reassure me?

If I'm open with him, will he get bored?

He's cheating on his wife, can I trust him ?( unfair, but there)

Do I want the hassle of a phycho ex wife?

 

So theses were my feelings.. And TBH still are with my MM. Most of the time he really doesn't know where I'm at.

 

Not too long ago, I was telling her that this process was uncomfortable and unfamiliar to me. What I was referring to was the process of analyzing myself. Also, posting on here and getting slammed by a bunch of anonymous posters - I didn't tell her that, because I didn't want her coming on here and reading my posts.

 

I think she thought I was referring to breaking up my marriage and she said - for some the status quo is the best choice.

 

I just said, I don't think that's an option anymore. Then, we went on to talk about other things.

[Aspasia33]

And ZMM.. For what it's worth, I signed onto here purely to answer your questions. I have lurked here for a long time, but I was horrified , disgusted and appalled with the responses you initially got on a site that advertises " support for people in an affair".

[ZMM]

Perhaps she has good self control and respects your situation. You guys seem to have a good thing going.

 

It will be interesting to see what happens when you're in a full blown "normal" relationship since you waited, unlike me.

 

I don't think her self control is that good - she just prevents temptation. And as I said in a previous post - if we are together and I push it, basically just a hug, things happen.

 

Sorry, but we didn't really wait. We just determined it was not the right thing to do while I was M, so we stopped it. Only a couple of encounters.

[Aspasia33]

This is similar to my mm... He has said I have made him look and think about things. Which he has never done before.

I have a good feeling about you and your lady;) and when I work out the pm thing, I'll tell you why.

Don't stress.. Dissolving your marriage is stressful enough, work on you, be honest with your woman, and if its meant to be, it will be.

If not with her, then eventually with someone else. You are to cool a guy to be left on the shelf for ling( which I'm sure OW realises!!! )

 

QUOTE=ZMM;5425940]Not too long ago, I was telling her that this process was uncomfortable and unfamiliar to me. What I was referring to was the process of analyzing myself. Also, posting on here and getting slammed by a bunch of anonymous posters - I didn't tell her that, because I didn't want her coming on here and reading my posts.

 

I think she thought I was referring to breaking up my marriage and she said - for some the status quo is the best choice.

 

I just said, I don't think that's an option anymore. Then, we went on to talk about other things.

[ZMM]

And ZMM.. For what it's worth, I signed onto here purely to answer your questions. I have lurked here for a long time, but I was horrified , disgusted and appalled with the responses you initially got on a site that advertises " support for people in an affair".

 

THANKS!!

 

There have been some nice people on here - you and Flowingmane are two that immediately come to mind. There are others as well. Life is complicated.

[ZMM]

and when I work out the pm thing, I'll tell you why.

 

I'm looking forward to this. I don't have PM yet either, but I think you have to have 50 posts and be a member for a month.

[flowingmane]

And... Women love a man that pulls away, it's what makes mills and boons do popular!!!

Woman need distance, not intimacy. Woman also get bored sexually quicker with a long term partner. I know this goes against all the popular phycho babble today but it's true.

That's why peolle have affairs, because women are bored with there husbands the minute they marry them, they can't understand why, blame it on men not doing house work et, hubbies bend over backwoods trying to accommodate them, it doesn't work. So the angry bored wives Look elsewhere, and so do the husbands, neither realising that enforced lifelong monogamy is totally unatural.

 

Wow, it's been the opposite for me. I grow more into him all the time sexually, and I don't do well with distance between us. It hurts the relationship from my standpoint. We have an incredible sex life after 3 years and it keeps getting better and better. Neither of us sees M as being a detriment from that standpoint, we joke about positions we'll need to use in our 80s

 

IMO what you describe sounds like marriage because it was "the next step" or "what's expected" or "good enough". I've had those Rs, I left those, not willing to just accept less for a ring. I think a lot of people don't spend enough time alone together living life (not living together) before they get married. They go out socially, they hang with friends, they get caught up in thinking about a relationship and the idea of marriage. Then when it happens, and it's the two of you alone together all the time, it's not satisfying. Some As may be in that same situation - the idea of it vs the reality of it.

[Got it]

And... Women love a man that pulls away, it's what makes mills and boons do popular!!!

Woman need distance, not intimacy. Woman also get bored sexually quicker with a long term partner. I know this goes against all the popular phycho babble today but it's true.

That's why peolle have affairs, because women are bored with there husbands the minute they marry them, they can't understand why, blame it on men not doing house work et, hubbies bend over backwoods trying to accommodate them, it doesn't work. So the angry bored wives Look elsewhere, and so do the husbands, neither realising that enforced lifelong monogamy is totally unatural.

 

I beg to differ. Good sex is good sex. I knew that sex with my ex was bad from the get go but we were each other's first and thought it would get better. It didn't.

 

With my husband who was my fMM, sex was good from day one and continues to be great.

 

Sorry, my reasoning for cheating was different and for divorcing. I have no issues with monogamy for myself or for it being the rest of my life. I have only had sex with two people in my life and married both of them.

 

A woman that loves men who pull away is a woman who is into relationship drama. While I do not want a man that is codependent and I want a man that has his own identity, the push pull is exhausting and annoying. Games are not attractive.

[ZMM]

For OW in my relationship - the pulling away, I am assuming was because of my situation, at least that was what I was told.

 

And for me, when I pulled back, it was because I thought that was what she wanted and I was just obliging. But, when I did that, she pulled me back in. I assumed it was because she missed me. I missed her too, so it wasn't that difficult.

 

I don't know if there is any game playing going on. I know there isn't from my side of things.

[Got it]

For OW in my relationship - the pulling away, I am assuming was because of my situation, at least that was what I was told.

 

And for me, when I pulled back, it was because I thought that was what she wanted and I was just obliging. But, when I did that, she pulled me back in. I assumed it was because she missed me. I missed her too, so it wasn't that difficult.

 

I don't know if there is any game playing going on. I know there isn't from my side of things.

 

It sounds like a lot of assumption and speculation. Just talk to each other and ask.

 

When my husband and I had a push pull at times we would talk it out. Find out where each party stood and why and what next steps are.

[ZMM]

It sounds like a lot of assumption and speculation. Just talk to each other and ask.

 

When my husband and I had a push pull at times we would talk it out. Find out where each party stood and why and what next steps are.

 

I think you missed it, I said that was what I assumed, at least that was what I was told.

 

That it was because of my situation.

 

The other part, I assumed she missed me. I didn't really feel the need to ask that, because it seemed pretty obvious.

 

The only way I would be wrong about these would be if she was playing games and manipulating me. I don't believe she is. I take her at her word.

 

But, I guess you never really know for sure what goes on in someone else's mind.

[flowingmane]

I don't think her self control is that good - she just prevents temptation. And as I said in a previous post - if we are together and I push it, basically just a hug, things happen.

 

Sorry, but we didn't really wait. We just determined it was not the right thing to do while I was M, so we stopped it. Only a couple of encounters.

 

I meant waited to jump into a full on "life" relationship together. My MM and I have been living a shared life in many ways for a while now. Our lives are not separate outside of finances (and his obligations to W), we share hobbies and have developed social circles, we do almost everything together (except when we are at work, but we text while at work so maybe we share that too).

 

You two sound like you're still living 2 completely separate lives ? So by self control I meant that she retained her own life and did not accept you fully into her life as a long term BF.