About women and Men infidelities...

[Solcita2]

I just read this article and thought of sharing. It was published in a women's magazine from Argentina. Sorry for the bad translation!

I think the therapist is a little bit too-much... however I found interesting a couple of the things he said...

 

 

The crisis in a couple is one of the problems that causes major pain in the human being. The therapist Antoni Bolinches explains why many relationships fail and what are the reasons of infidelity in each gender. Besides, he’s sure that half of the people who leaves their partner for someone new, later regret the decision.

• por Raquel Quelart / La Vanguardia

 

 

- Is is possible to be unlucky in love?

- Who are unlucky in love are those who can’t learn from their love crisis; we make our own luck, by having a positive attitude towards it. As the famous golf player Gary Player said “the more I practise, the luckier I get”.

 

- In the new Edition of your book “Love at second chance” (Cossetània Edicions), you afirm that “whoever doesn’t choose the right person at the third chance, will hardly ever find better luck in future couples...” Why do you say that?

- Because we must ask ourselves what’s going on and wether the problem is that we don’t learn from what happens to us. If someone wants to be succesful in love, as in any other part of life, he has to learn from his mistakes and to understand that the good times are something he has to enjoy and bad times is something he has to learn from.

 

- How do you learn from a bad experience?

- By making something positive out of something that hurts you, instead of blaming the other party, something really usual in this type of situtations... what we need to do is to make things right, make a self critic... Maybe we won’t save that couple, but we’ll sure make ourselves better.

 

- Why do so many relationship fail?

- In many cases we couple up to receive, and not to give, and the couples work more in giving than asking for something. The art of falling in love is the art of getting better, to improve. People don’t love us for our hability to be loved, but for the positive things we give into the relationship, so, if I get better, I can be loved.

 

- To receive, you have to give.

- Exactly, but it’s not about giving and receiving as in a transaction. I don’t give just in order to receive… we both give because we want to give. It’s reciprocity.

 

- To give to please.

- Co-living implies to give, but don’t confuse it with “give-in”. I GIVE when I want to give you something possitive, however I give-in when I’m afraid of losing you. The allowence enrichs me because we both enjoy it; the give-in is to please only you, and makes me poorer, sooner or later, it will also make you poorer.

 

- But to find the balance between give and give-in is not that easy.

- You can only find it with a process of personal maduration, armonizing the enough pleasure with the enough dutty. The biggest school of vital learning that allow us to mature is the couple. No relationship is that complex, that Rich or that whole, but at the same time it’s potentially conflicted because it mixes many different roles: friends, family, parents, lovers, partners, …

 

- What’s the biggest issue in this type of relationship?

- Couples are a good scenario for love but not so good for sexual desire. The level of dutties, social positions and sexual freedom men and women want, make us find many people (outside of the couple) that are more appealing just because they’re not our couple...

 

- Why?

- We all have flaws and virtues, and in the co-living, the principles of habituation and saturation makes that good in you something I’m used to… and that bad I see in you, I see it even worse, just becasue I’m saturated. So the love feeling decreces, and then I’m willing to infidelity and alternatives crushes, that’s the number one conflict in young couples.

 

- This is something rather usual, according to stadistics.

- The flaws get you down and the virtues are dying, while the new person, that you only know a little, you can only see the good....

 

- How many copules can manage to overcome an infidelity?

- Every 3 infidelities, one couple comes out strong, another one breaks up because of the infidelity; and the rest remains together for a while, while the relationship dies a little bit because it can’t survive what happened...

 

- But you also find people who choose to have their cake and eat it...

- That’s more normal in men, to be unfaithful they only need to find a sexy partner in crime willing and available. The women’s infidelity is a little bit more dangerous from the point of view of emotion stability of the couple, because it almost always involves greater love investment.

Besides, the behavior is different: a significant ammount of women, before cheating, they set up a couple’s crisis in order not to feel guilty “this is not working”, “this is not what I thought it’d be” “the relationship is goind down” “I don’t know what I feel”, they say, and then they feel free to consumate the cheating, or to go from alternative crush to attempt of new relationship.

In the other hand, the men feels less guilt: we come from a sexist culture, and the more women a man have, more man he is. However, right now, women won’t tolerate that, and they request faithfulness... But, still, women are more forgiving than men when it comes to cheating.

 

- In your book you say that half of the people who leaves their couples for someone new later regret the decision. Why?

- Around the 50% who regrets it, say they don’t really know how well the change was, or even, have fantasies of going back to their original couple. The other half, maybe, the change wasn’t great but are not that interest in going back to their previous couple, althought they try to choose better in their third attempt of finding a new couple...