Why can't I blame others?

[NGC1300]

I was bullied in school. Had a passive father with a sometimes verbally/physically abusive mother. I remember her spitting in my face and screaming that I disgusted her.

 

Women have cheated on me and lied. Others have laughed and ridiculed.

 

People I thought were friends have teased me, claimed I was gay, etc.

 

I just really resent people, but I'm told not to blame others if I want to improve.

 

Why can't I blame others?

 

Isn't it true that sometimes others really are the problem?

[regine_phalange]

Don't blame others, but not because they are behaving nice. Only because blaming them won't change a thing and wont solve anything.

 

Maybe it would be more constructive if you blamed yourself for allowing them to treat you so. It's the only thing I've learned so far; people will only push and shove as long as you allow them (even by being passive or passive-aggressive). Don't be afraid to tell them off.

[elbe]

I hate people.. pretty much everyone. There are one or two people who are really cool and I think that's because they are always at arms length.

 

Just do yourself and you won't be wasting any energy.

[d0nnivain]

Yes other people were awful to you. However, only you have the power as an adult to heal & overcome your past. If you don't make the effort to rise above however bad the past was, that's solely on you & is nobody else's fault.

[jba10582]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and lord knows that life has always been a struggle, and, it becomes even more difficult when those around you do not believe in you, and are negative often in critical ways and trying to control how you experience life, and even blantatly dislike it when you attempt to improve yourself. I remember when my own parents had divorced when I was younger after constant fighting and quarling, I had as a 10 year old boy started reading things on taoism because of a stupid video I was playing at the time to escape. Seriously, who the hell reads that kind of sh*t as 10 year boy? Its the product of your environment, that even as child you start the coping process early and another reason I feel motivated to continually improve/evolve as an adult. At some point you may realize that you own long standing thought patterns that are deeply in-grained can only be changed by you and it will be massive struggle to do so and maybe you'll never reach there, but, you have to start your journey somewhere, and if some fu*king loser tries to hold you back from something you are doing that YOU KNOW is positive, know that it is only a cry out for help from them and that you are on the right track.

[NGC1300]

The hatred and bitterness has literally become a part of me.

 

I can't see myself without it.

[FitChick]

Then get used to being alone or find a woman with low self-esteem.

[Shepp]

You can blame others, you can blame them for the rest of your life.

 

But that's as good as letting someone smack you in the face when you could duck.

 

The only person your biggest fan should be you, your the only one who can make things happen - you'll sit and wait your whole life if your letting other people take responsibility for you life.

 

You don't get the job if you don't apply, right? its not just going to come to you and you wouldn't wait and hope someone else applys for you would you?

 

 

Im not saying others aren't to responsible for the actions but your responsible for yours!!

[regine_phalange]

The hatred and bitterness has literally become a part of me.

 

I can't see myself without it.

 

Don't do that. My daddy did that (with his work mainly) and he died very young. I do believe somehow that resentment is very toxic and stressful for the body. Say what you have to say and a big weight will go off!

[NGC1300]

Maybe it would be more constructive if you blamed yourself for allowing them to treat you so.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I "allowed" it.

 

I can't help the parents I had, or the environment I grew up in.

 

I've lost jobs defending myself from bullies in the workplace, and no longer see the people I once thought were friends.

[whichwayisup]

The hatred and bitterness has literally become a part of me.

 

I can't see myself without it.

 

You have hurt and pain, anger too and rightfully so. But, you have a choice, live your life with bitterness and hate, mistrust everybody, or do some counseling to help you cope better and be positive. Trust me , so many people are wonderful, kind and giving - Don't give up on yourself or any chance of a future partner/spouse and friends to have in your life.

 

Sorry for all that you've been through.

[SpiralOut]

Your upbringing has taught you bad habits that aren't your fault. You couldn't get away from the bullying at home so you learned to cope with it. As a child you did what you needed to do to survive. As an adult, those habits aren't serving you well anymore. I think you are attracting these types of people because they see that you won't fight back. They see you as an easy target.

 

I was bullied by my mother too. I struggle with anger and hatred of people, but the hatred is decreasing as I learn how to fight back against bullies. It is harder as an adult than as a child because as a child it's normal to yell or call them names or hit in response. As an adult we can't do these things even though it might be our first instinct. I'm not saying you do these things, but for me it's my first reaction, but I know I can't do that (especially in the workplace). It is stressful to make the leap from passiveness to assertiveness. It's a tough learning curve but you can do it if you work at it.

 

 

I suggest counselling, or finding an assertiveness training course if any are available in your area. I'm wondering if you're really angry at these people for treating you this way, or if part of your anger is at yourself for not knowing how to deal with them.

Edited December 14, 2013 by SpiralOut