RonaldS Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 So, my now XW has been seeing a guy for almost a year and a half. Even though I've known about him from the beginning, she has been totally dishonest and has gone to great lengths to keep her relationship secret from me. They started dating when we had been separated for 2 years but had not yet filed for divorce. Anyway, through this time, we filed and finalized. Long story short, I have cut off face-to-face and phone communication with her, because a simple conversation about needing money for something the kids need would always turn into this idiotic 2 hour rehashing of every event of our 14 year relationship. I then put the final nail in it when she attempted to get me to start going to counseling after we walked out of court after finalizing and I ended up writing her a letter that essentially said 'thanks, but no thanks. Take care.'. In that letter, I advised that she put the energy and efforts that she wanted to put into us 'being friends and having a lifelong relationship' (her words) into her new relationship, as her probably soon to be husband would appreciate being #1. Of course, she denied being in a relationship. Then my kids began telling me about all the time they were spending with him, and my XW finally texted me to tell me that the kids met him, but of course she lied about when they met him. Whatever...she lies, I know it, and I no longer care because she's just not an entity that I want to have in my life. Whew....now we're caught up. So, I drove in to my kids town to see my saughter's Christmas program, and apparently my XW did not know I was going to be there. I don't care about her relationship....I just don't. My only feelings about the relationship is that I cannot stand being lied to about it, because I should be able to know the man who's house my kids are staying at on a regular basis. Even though they tried to avoid an encounter, but we ended up walking out fairly close together. Because I was taking the kids to dinner, I had to get the car seats out of their car. It was a very awkward moment for them, but for me, I felt a strong sense of relief that I finally got to meet this guy. We chatted for a minute, I was very casual and tried to put him at ease. He relaxed a little, and everything was cool. Then, I took the kids to dinner, and when I went back to my Xw's parents house, he was there. That was SUPER awkward, because her parents have no idea how to handle any weird situations. But I wasn't there for them, or my XW, or her bf. I was there for my kids, so I was focused on them. We stood around in the kitchen chatting a little. I was totally at ease, and I think that threw everybody off. They're weird, uptight people, but I'm very loose and relaxed, so they probably didn't understand how that stuff doesn't affect me. Anyway, I'm glad I met him. He seems like a totally nice guy, and I feel comfortable having him around my kids. If he is good with them, and makes them happy and is a caring advocate for them, that's all I care about. My big thing is I would like people to be honest about the relationship and not make it so I can't get ahold of my kids when they're at his house, etc. So, a little weight has lifted off me. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 14, 2013 Share Posted December 14, 2013 Bravo, man, bravo! Yas Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted December 15, 2013 Share Posted December 15, 2013 Anyway, I'm glad I met him. He seems like a totally nice guy, and I feel comfortable having him around my kids. If he is good with them, and makes them happy and is a caring advocate for them, that's all I care about. My big thing is I would like people to be honest about the relationship and not make it so I can't get ahold of my kids when they're at his house, etc. So, a little weight has lifted off me. I had a very similar situation, in the end, this is what you hope for: decent guy, good with the kids. You lucked out, she could have wound up with a real meat head, glad a little weight came off....I sooo get it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 I had a very similar situation, in the end, this is what you hope for: decent guy, good with the kids. You lucked out, she could have wound up with a real meat head, glad a little weight came off....I sooo get it! Trust me...I had a couple of bad step-'dads' growing up, and have a lot of bad memories that stem from those relationships. So my biggest worry, naturally, was that something would happen where my XW ended up with some sh*tbag. Her guy seems totally nice and harmless....if not a little passive and dull. But I can deal with that. I have time with the kids where I can model what I think needs to be modeled. Anything he gives will be icing on the cake. As far as all of the lies and secrecy on my Xw's end....I guess it's sad that it took me showing up unexpectedly to an event to actually be able to meet this man. It's been so weird...like she wouldn't answer the phone when I would call to talk to the kids and they were with him. And I think it bothered my XW that I didn't care that they were together. But why would it bother me? We haven't been together in over 3 years. Now, if I were to show up with another woman.....whoa!!!! Hahaha! Anyway, now I'm just waiting for the inevitable day when he ends up calling me asking for advice on how to deal with her 'fun' side. Good luck, dude! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FooledMeTwice Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 I know this off topic Barnacle Bob, but why did you change your name to Ronald S? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted December 17, 2013 Author Share Posted December 17, 2013 I know this off topic Barnacle Bob, but why did you change your name to Ronald S? Hahaha, oh wow. Ummmm...I was getting tired of posting and getting stuck defending myself all the time, so rather than quit gracefully, I staged a coups de gras and colorfully went after a particularly horrific offender and got the perma-boot. It was glorious. Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Kudos to you for being the bigger person and not creating any unnecessary drama! It's an awkward situation overall and it sounds like you handled it confidently. He's in your kids' lives so it's good that you got to meet him and get a good impression about him. Her lies have nothing to do with you and you can't control how she acts and reacts. My exH is dating a fairly new friend of mine and there have been plenty of opportunities for things to get awkward. Everyone else seems to act weird about it, and yes, while it is a strange scenario, their relationship doesn't affect me. I want to be the bigger person to say (and I have), hey if you two are happy, good for you. I don't wish them any ill. I have forgiven my exH because I needed some piece of mind. Link to post Share on other sites
familygone Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Can i ask why you got a divorce?I am trying to figure out if i should be friends with her or [him] after the lies and cheating she done.I will probably have to too the same down the line ,but i cant fathom some other guy around my 7 year old,when she broke up the family.You have more strenght then me,to have a outsider come in the family.I DONT LIKE THE STEPPARENT IDEA.I know it goes both ways but what she did i am staying single!! Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 My STBXW is shacked up with one of the sh!#b@gs sh was cheating on me with. I don't try to fight the exposure our daughter is getting to this guy because it is something I cannot control. I'll just let my STBXW dig that hole all on her own and take care of our daughter when she is with me. I've just told my STBXW I don't want to have to talk to him, see him, and he's not welcome around my place. I think my STBXW is smart enough to remove this other guy if it ever poses any problems for our daughter, but we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2013 Share Posted December 17, 2013 Anyway, I'm glad I met him. He seems like a totally nice guy, and I feel comfortable having him around my kids. If he is good with them, and makes them happy and is a caring advocate for them, that's all I care about. My big thing is I would like people to be honest about the relationship and not make it so I can't get ahold of my kids when they're at his house, etc. So, a little weight has lifted off me. Good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
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