Do you understand the MM?

[HairTie]

Quick rundown on me:

 

*ex-OW

*NC for months

*Still have moments where I dissect everything that has happened, but I feel talking about it helps me "get it out of my system"

 

My ex-MM told me he loves his wife, but there are things missing in his marriage. It was to the point that he has previously left her in the past for months, lived alone, etc, but they ended up reconciling. He claims that he just "couldn't do it".

 

After reading things on this forum, I thought to myself all the typical things. But after thinking, I'm not sure I wouldn't do the same if I was in his shoes. Don't get me wrong, *I do not agree with his infidelity at all*, but if I was him, I'm not sure I "could do it" either.

 

Why?

 

Well, in his scenario, he's making all the money, and she's a housewife. What would happen if they get divorced? He'd have to pay for a divorce, pay child support, and leave his spouse with what money exactly? Sure, she'd get the house, and child support, but that wouldn't be enough to LIVE off of. With no college degree, no job, what would she do? I'm not saying any of this is reason enough to continue cheating and all, BUT I'm saying that these are all things running through his mind. Even if he doesn't want to leave her because "he wants to have his cake and eat it too," he's obviously still thinking about HER well-being in the long run, and what would happen if he left.

 

I think it's one thing to just say, "you know what? I'm unhappy with my marriage. We tried fixing it numerous times, and it didn't work. Clearly, things won't change. I might as well just end it as opposed to continuing cheating" and another to look at what it will do to the other person because over the years you end up developing an unconditional love for one another, or in the least, you end up truly caring about the other person's well-being.

 

Concluding...I can understand the MM's difficulty when it comes to a scenario like this. He's loosing a hell a lot of money, a "comfortable" situation (cook, housekeeper, child-bearer), but he also has to be thinking about the BS' well-being in the long-run (just perhaps not her emotions apparently?!).

 

I know I've dissected to the point of exhaustion, but has anyone else given this any thought? It's really not all that black and white, I think.

[Popsicle]

Okay, fine, you understand that he's staying. He's still a coward though and YOU should not stay with him. let him focus on his marriage.

[HairTie]

I know. I do not plan to get involved with him ever again. I just like to know the reason as to WHY people do the things they do.

 

I, personally, feel it isn't enough to say "he stays because he's a coward". There must be a thought-process as to why he stays, as there is a thought-process that occurred when he decided to cheat.

[Popsicle]

Read some of the posts around here. You will learn a lot.

[Mascara]

It's quite common for a MM to say that he's staying for everyone else, that he's putting his happiness last etc etc.

 

The fact is, he's staying because he wants to. Everything else is workable. People get divorced all the time, so she has to retrain and find a job - it's what millions of people do. If he's claiming that as an utterly insurmountable excuse, then he's feeding you a line. Of course, it's easy for you to believe because it's one that makes him look good isn't it.

 

Henry the Eighth dismantled an entire country and created a new religion for his mistress. Why some of these men find it impossible to sell a house and buy 2 smaller ones is beyond me.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My ex-MM told me he loves his wife, but there are things missing in his marriage.

 

 

There are things missing in every marriage.

 

 

In my opinion, cheating is wrong. Sometimes, doing the right thing is difficult and involves personal pain. If he wants a mutual financial arrangement with his wife, where he gets sex and has a romantic relationship outside of the marriage, he should let his wife in on it, let her make her own decisions, see if she wants to do the same, or see if she wants to leave.

 

 

You have not posted much about how this married man feels about it, and maybe you do not know. Maybe this married man believes it is OK for people to cheat if things are missing from their marriage. Do you think it would be OK with him if his wife felt that things were missing in her marriage, and she cheated on him? If so, then though I don't agree with it, at least he is not a hypocrite. But if it's only OK for him to cheat, and not her, that seems a bit hypocritical to me.

 

 

Cheating on her, then not telling her about it, is selfish. It benefits him, to her detriment. She is not a child, that he should decide what is in her best interest without letting her decide for herself.

[MissBee]

People have all kinds of reasons, some are valid and some aren't.

 

I can certainly understand how some people choose what they choose, but at the end of the day in terms of the OW, I guess it doesn't really matter why he has to stay with his wife, just that he "has to" or is going to.

[Popsicle]

There are things missing in every marriage.

 

You can say that again...

[HairTie]

In response to some above replies:

 

I would like to clarify that he never SAID that the reasons for him staying are the ones I mentioned. I am simply speculating - I no longer have contact with this man - they are just things I sometimes wonder.

 

In response to him staying because the marriage is still "workable":

I agree with this - I just used the term "comfortable". I think that his BS simply doesn't "bother" him, they still get along, have mutual friends, daily conversations, and his needs (most) are fulfilled. He's simply selfish and wants more.

 

I was also looking at it from the perspective that one day he finally says to himself, "I no longer want to live this life. I don't want to lie and betray, but I also don't want to stay". What would be stopping him then? I feel as though finances is a big part of it. His current situation isn't bad enough to leave, nor is it fulfilling enough to his standards to be a good faithful man.

 

The scenario in which the BS has to get a job:

Can you imagine living in a huge house, shopping for most things without looking at the price tag, driving a fancy car, and then having to get a mediocre job since you don't even have a college diploma? It just doesn't really happen. Again, HE never said this was the REASON he doesn't leave. I just feel as though he is the type to think that way about things.

 

He also didn't have to tell me his reasons for staying, because I would never want to be with him. I'm well aware that if he cheats with me, he'll cheat ON me. My involvement with him was a mistake - first MM, and the LAST.

 

Furthermore, addressing "maybe this man thinks it's ok to cheat":

There have been times where I truly believed that this man has convinced himself enough to believe that the above is true. He wants to hold on to his family so much, but still wants other women (or other woman) to the point where he's convincing himself that it's okay. I think we as OW can understand that to a certain extent - I mean, what the hell do we tell ourselves to at one point have been with MM? Perhaps everyone loses sight at one point in time.

 

Again, this was my speculation on circumstances - that things are way more complicated than "he's a bastard who is unappreciative of what he has and that's it". I'm not saying what he does is right, I'm just saying I would like to derive at the true motives behind his actions. It may seem counter-productive (to analyze the situation) to some, but I firmly believe that it depends on ones personality. I feel much more at ease after having deeply thought about things.

[Ruffian1]

Concluding...I can understand the MM's difficulty when it comes to a scenario like this. He's loosing a hell a lot of money, a "comfortable" situation (cook, housekeeper, child-bearer), but he also has to be thinking about the BS' well-being in the long-run (just perhaps not her emotions apparently?!).

No he is NOT thinking about his W’s well-being. He is using her. She is a cook, housekeeper, etc but he is not thinking about her well-being by keeping her in the dark while he cheats.

 

He is being selfish.

Would you want to be a W that your H only stays with is because of those reasons you mentioned?

 

Wow, what a great guy, he is staying married to her while he cheats “for her well-being in the long-run.” .lol If that is so, he should TELL her that so she will see what a stand-up guy she has for a H.

[HairTie]

No he is NOT thinking about his W’s well-being. He is using her. She is a cook, housekeeper, etc but he is not thinking about her well-being by keeping her in the dark while he cheats.

 

He is being selfish.

Would you want to be a W that your H only stays with is because of those reasons you mentioned?

 

Wow, what a great guy, he is staying married to her while he cheats “for her well-being in the long-run.” .lol If that is so, he should TELL her that so she will see what a stand-up guy she has for a H.

 

I realize how that sounds - that's why I said he's not thinking about her emotions. I think some men (I don't want to generalize), but at least HE, down plays her emotions. He has the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mentality. Which, to an extent, is true. She doesn't know. So she isn't hurt by it. His actions would really only matter if she found out. So in his eyes, he has her well-being in mind.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Spending emotional energy on the MM "why did he cheat" is a fools errand. You are not him, you have not experienced his life through his lens, you do not have all the information that he has. He is the only one that can tackle that beast.

 

You on the other hand, have all the information/background/what you told yourself on why you got involved.

 

The only thing that any of us can truly work on is...what did we learn, what do we need to change, what part of us led us down this path, how can we shore that area up?

[SunsetRed]

You're right..and he will stay because of those very reasons. Been there done that and you'll find a thousand other posts like that on here.

 

The only thing you can do is to leave and stay away and if he comes back free and clear, then maybe you can consider him.

[Ruffian1]

I realize how that sounds - that's why I said he's not thinking about her emotions. I think some men (I don't want to generalize), but at least HE, down plays her emotions. He has the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mentality. Which, to an extent, is true. She doesn't know. So she isn't hurt by it. His actions would really only matter if she found out. So in his eyes, he has her well-being in mind.

Tell me, if you have an insidious virus in your body but it does not make any obvious symptoms –does what you don’t know won’t hurt you? That is a statement WS use to make themselves feel better. Yes of course, his cheating behind her back is his way of ensuring her well-being – ah, not it is not. It’s called justification, rationalization, whatever.

 

Would he be ok with his wife doing that and saying she was hiding it for his well-being? Especially during her childbearing years. Oh yeah, he has his kids now, knows their are his. Guess he never had to deal with the hurt that one of his kids may belong to OM.

 

Oh, and of course this cake-eating does not benefit him at all. He is a martyr.

If he does get caught he destroys not only his faithful wife but gets to hurt his kids too.

 

Seriously, all these mental gymnastics. So many times I read “it’s complicated”. No actually it’s not. Sometimes it is just as simple as I want my cake and ice cream too but I don’t want my spouse (or kids) to know that or have the same option because that will ruin it for me.

 

Come on HairTie, you had an A with a much older man who I assume has a long term marriage with kids. I don’t intend to be mean but what a tired old cliché’ -a middle age man hooking up with a much younger woman and they “fall in love” but he has all these reasons he can’t leave his wife. That is as common as plastic grocery bags and just as special.

[Iguanna]

Sometimes men do stay in their unhappy marriage to make it easy for the kids and the wife, and this doesn't happen cause they're cowards but because they respect the mother of their kids and the kids themselves. Sometimes these men do feel guilty when they cheat, but in their minds staying in an unhappy marriage is the price they pay so they miss the guilt. It's like you are unhappy at your job and you have the opportunity to steal some money from the company you work at and you feel less guilty for stealing cause you are unhappy than if you were happy and satisfied. Not a great example but you get my point. Also when the man is the only person who brings money to the house he feels he completes his obligations and he has the "right" to make some mistakes like cheating, he is kinda allowed. I'm not justifying these actions, I'm just trying to understand them. It's easy to say "cheating is bad, you are a bad person, shame on you" but if you don't get in someone's shoes it's better not to judge cause not all stories are the same.

[Ruffian1]

Sometimes men do stay in their unhappy marriage to make it easy for the kids and the wife, and this doesn't happen cause they're cowards but because they respect the mother of their kids and the kids themselves. Sometimes these men do feel guilty when they cheat, but in their minds staying in an unhappy marriage is the price they pay so they miss the guilt. It's like you are unhappy at your job and you have the opportunity to steal some money from the company you work at and you feel less guilty for stealing cause you are unhappy than if you were happy and satisfied. Not a great example but you get my point. Also when the man is the only person who brings money to the house he feels he completes his obligations and he has the "right" to make some mistakes like cheating, he is kinda allowed. I'm not justifying these actions, I'm just trying to understand them. It's easy to say "cheating is bad, you are a bad person, shame on you" but if you don't get in someone's shoes it's better not to judge cause not all stories are the same.

Wow, that whole paragraph was all about the WS. Like the M is not made up of two people. It totally focused on the WS. Yes poor just a human WS, is in an unhappy marriage. Well, guess what, BS is human too. Maybe she has felt “unhappy” sometime too, should she then cheat also?? OMG, then the indignant H is humiliated and wants a D. Why bother getting married. No I don’t have to walk a million miles in someone’s shoes to know not all stories are the same. Life. Is. Hard. For. Everyone. I have lived long enough to know reality. Rich, poor, old, young, there are certain facts and truth that are unchangeable throughout time.

because they respect the mother of their kids and the kids themselves

You say that with a straight face?? Cheating is the UTMOST disrespect to a W and a man’s family.

It's like you are unhappy at your job and you have the opportunity to steal some money from the company you work at and you feel less guilty for stealing cause you are unhappy than if you were happy and satisfied.

It is called a sense of entitlement. Rationalization, justification. Cheater lingo 101.

It is the lying and deceit, the fraud that is perpetrated on the BS. She is kept in the dark. She is not given the same opportunity to go out and have an A, because she thinks he is being faithful. They take away the BS right to make her own choice. It is her life also, remember, maybe she don’t want to stay in a marriage with a cheater. Again, why do you think they keep it a secret.

[Ruffian1]

Sometimes men do stay in their unhappy marriage to make it easy for the kids and the wife, and this doesn't happen cause they're cowards but because they respect the mother of their kids and the kids themselves.

Most women I know would not want a H who only sticks around for this reason, to make it easy for them. Would you want to be with a H who was only there to make it easy for you? But would be gone otherwise? Not me.

 

How about you other ladies out there, OW, BS, what/who ever, would you be ok with H staying to "make it easy for you and the kids" (and maybe continue to cheat??) while he is really unhappy?

 

Any takers??

Edited December 15, 2013 by Ruffian1
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[happy stillmore]

They stay because it is about them, not to make it easier for their wife and family. The lifestyle is comfortable. It would be too expensive to leave. It would mean they had to get a second job. Gasp. Work a little harder. They already have a wife who is doing his laundry and putting warm meals on the table. Why would they leave?

[stillafool]

I know. I do not plan to get involved with him ever again. I just like to know the reason as to WHY people do the things they do.

 

I, personally, feel it isn't enough to say "he stays because he's a coward". There must be a thought-process as to why he stays, as there is a thought-process that occurred when he decided to cheat.

 

There are MM who have wives that make 6 figures and they still cheat and come up with excuses why they can't leave her. They stay because they love them.

[Effy149]

I'm going to get in on this.

 

All I know about my MM's marriage to his wife is that as of July, they hadn't had sex in 6 months. There are no kids, but there are two cats and mortgage on a condo. The tables are kind of turned, because since he went back to school (and met me) she has been the main breadwinner. He does some freelance work and I'm sure he has savings, but at the end of the day, she is supporting him.

 

He is a VERY sexual person, and I can only assume that she's not fulfilling those needs. I don't see my MM leaving his wife anytime soon. They travel together, have many mutual friends and seem happy from the outside looking in. I think even if he is unhappy, he's going to stay to protect his and her image. It's just another classic case of getting married too young...

[Ruffian1]

There are MM who have wives that make 6 figures and they still cheat and come up with excuses why they can't leave her. They stay because they love them.

 

Or not because they love them they just like their lifestyle and haven't met anyone that can offer them a better lifestyle, or at least worth leaving what they have going. (Cake)

[Ruffian1]

I think even if he is unhappy, he's going to stay to protect his and her image.

 

You mean his image. Unless she is also cheating.

[stillafool]

Or not because they love them they just like their lifestyle and haven't met anyone that can offer them a better lifestyle, or at least worth leaving what they have going. (Cake)

 

It isn't always that simple. You can read around here on LS the men who say they aren't in love, kids are grown, wife doesn't give them any attention. We constantly tell them to leave, leave, finally grow a pair and divorce her. They in turn get angry and come up with ridiculous excuses as to why they can't divorce her. It boggles my mind sometimes. Obviously these men really do love these women they complain about and it's so much easier for them to tell themselves they stay for the kids, finances, etc. because; they would somehow feel weak that they are staying because they actually love this woman. Then there are those men (and it seems as though there are and inordinate amount lately) who have wives that are cheating and they won't leave either. Some leave and 3 months later they are back saying how they reconciled but can't get the thought of her with another man out of their mind.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Every poster has given many reasons why one would stay in a relationship.

 

I beat myself up for a very long time trying to understand and get answers and finally came to the conclusion it doesn't really matter why they stay or do what they do, the point is that they do stay. So trying to figure it out will drive you insane.

 

I have learned to live in the present for the most part. I still have days where it isn't easy, but I would say it has gotten much better because I really do try not to focus on the whys anymore because unless or until it changes, it really isn't my business nor should it be important to me.

[Ruffian1]

All I know about my MM's marriage to his wife is that as of July, they hadn't had sex in 6 months. There are no kids, but there are two cats and mortgage on a condo. The tables are kind of turned, because since he went back to school (and met me) she has been the main breadwinner. He does some freelance work and I'm sure he has savings, but at the end of the day, she is supporting him.

 

He is a VERY sexual person, and I can only assume that she's not fulfilling those needs. I don't see my MM leaving his wife anytime soon. They travel together, have many mutual friends and seem happy from the outside looking in. I think even if he is unhappy, he's going to stay to protect his and her image. It's just another classic case of getting married too young...

Of course, 99% all cheating M men never have sex with their wife. Yes, of course you should assume that she is not. Especially if he is a VERY sexual person. I am sure she pushes him away every night in bed, especially if they are a younger couple with no kids yet. Yeah, he is not ever having sex with her, dam frigid W.

 

Is this the same guy you said:

 

I've been walking on eggshells for this guy who has been treating me terribly. I have a right to be upset with him for how he's been treating me and I need to accept that he never cared about me like I cared about him.

 

Think it might be possible that he treats the W terrible sometime too?