Do you understand the MM?

[Iguanna]

Sometimes men don't divorce cause they are scared of exposing the divorce to their work place (boss, coworkers) or their family. For some people divorce is a failure so they prefer to pretend everything is good. We all know that people that have not been married at 40+ get weird looks from people, people start wondering "what is the matter with him / her?". Even a failed marriage based on lies and cheating is better image for some people than a divorce (especially for older people).

[Quiet Storm]

They stay because they never intended to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

 

When a guy says he loves his wife, but something is missing- its a huge mistake to assume this means he wants to be with someone else. Most times, he just isn't getting the attention, validation, admiration and sex that he feels he is entitled to. So he finds someone that hasn't been disappointed by him yet, that looks up to him, that sympathizes with him, and who he doesnt have any obligations or commitments with.

 

So ow is there to pick up the wifes slack, to fill in where she falls short (in his mind anyway). An affair isn't a stepping stone to being together, its a way for mm to get all his needs met by staying married. The affair helps him to be content and satisfied, when the marriage isn't living up to his expectations. He doesnt want to fire his wife though- just hire someone else to help out.

 

He wants to be married- he is not trapped. He just wants extra.

 

Most mm don't even consider a divorce- their goal is to stay married and prolong the affair for as long as possible. They realize ow will get fed up eventually, but try to keep her as ow for as long as she is willing. It's sad because they will emotionally drain a woman that was confident and strong, and often leave her depressed, weak and feeling like she can't live without him.

 

I think most mm are not hard to understand. They feel a sense of entitlement. They want the marriage and the family, and another woman focused all on him. Their marriage is not perfect, but not bad enough to leave. Especially when there are women willing to supplement his marriage.

[Ruffian1]

Sometimes men don't divorce cause they are scared of exposing the divorce to their work place (boss, coworkers) or their family.

So then he is nothing but a spine-less coward.

 

For some people divorce is a failure so they prefer to pretend everything is good.

Divorce is so commonplace anymore hardly anyone considers a D person a automatic “failure”.

Even a failed marriage based on lies and cheating is better image for some people than a divorce (especially for older people).

You act like these people have no other choice. A “failed” marriage does not need to be based on lies and cheating, they can still remain M but have an open marriage, it is all about honesty and not putting something over on the other spouse.

Age or length of marriage does not matter, but it can be especially devastating to older people who have much less option in life left, especially the woman.

We all know that people that have not been married at 40+ get weird looks from people, people start wondering "what is the matter with him / her?".

I know a lot of people like that, and now I don’t think “what is the matter with him / her”.

I know a lot of 40+ single, never married people go on to eventually marry.

[Iguanna]

They stay because they never intended to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

 

When a guy says he loves his wife, but something is missing- its a huge mistake to assume this means he wants to be with someone else. Most times, he just isn't getting the attention, validation, admiration and sex that he feels he is entitled to. So he finds someone that hasn't been disappointed by him yet, that looks up to him, that sympathizes with him, and who he doesnt have any obligations or commitments with.

 

So ow is there to pick up the wifes slack, to fill in where she falls short (in his mind anyway). An affair isn't a stepping stone to being together, its a way for mm to get all his needs met by staying married. The affair helps him to be content and satisfied, when the marriage isn't living up to his expectations. He doesnt want to fire his wife though- just hire someone else to help out.

 

He wants to be married- he is not trapped. He just wants extra.

 

Most mm don't even consider a divorce- their goal is to stay married and prolong the affair for as long as possible. They realize ow will get fed up eventually, but try to keep her as ow for as long as she is willing. It's sad because they will emotionally drain a woman that was confident and strong, and often leave her depressed, weak and feeling like she can't live without him.

 

I think most mm are not hard to understand. They feel a sense of entitlement. They want the marriage and the family, and another woman focused all on him. Their marriage is not perfect, but not bad enough to leave. Especially when there are women willing to supplement his marriage.

 

It's like I wrote this (but in way better english ). You are totally right and I hope all women can realize this so they don't get involved with a MM just to give him the boost that he seeks for and then left alone and become the villain.

[SoleMate]

There are MM who have wives that make 6 figures and they still cheat and come up with excuses why they can't leave her.

Sometimes...it's because she makes 6 figures! So just think of BS's income ...it can be an MM "reason" not to leave...whether that income is high, moderate, low, or non-existent. Likewise the fact that she is a great mom is a "reason" not to divorce (think of the kids)....but if she's a crappy mom that's ALSO a reason not to divorce (think of the kids). MM has a very high income, that's a "reason" not to divorce, as he would be taken to the cleaners for 50% of what he has....and if MM is broke that's also a "reason" not to divorce as he can't afford it. BS is crazy and nutso...can't divorce as she would then "commit suicide"......or BS is a great person, very level headed and emotionally balanced, also can't divorce because (think think think) um.....it wouldn't be fair to her because....ermm....it might turn her nutso! And think of the kids!

 

When you think of it, almost any factor of human existence can be a "reason" not to divorce when your squinch up your frontal cortex and kinda think of it cross-eyed.

[SoleMate]

Most mm don't even consider a divorce- their goal is to stay married and prolong the affair for as long as possible. They realize ow will get fed up eventually, but try to keep her as ow for as long as she is willing. It's sad because they will emotionally drain a woman that was confident and strong, and often leave her depressed, weak and feeling like she can't live without him.

 

I think most mm are not hard to understand. They feel a sense of entitlement. They want the marriage and the family, and another woman focused all on him. Their marriage is not perfect, but not bad enough to leave. Especially when there are women willing to supplement his marriage.

This should be pinned.

 

AND it should be taught in the high school sex ed classes. We really need to start getting the word out so fewer people have to learn with painful experience.

[Iguanna]

So then he is nothing but a spine-less coward.

 

Not necessarily. He chooses not to make his problems public. Do you use to notify everyone you know when you have a personal problem?

 

Divorce is so commonplace anymore hardly anyone considers a D person a automatic “failure”.

 

Murder is common as well but we still put the murderers in jail.

 

Plus I was talking about older people (parents, grandparents etc).

 

You act like these people have no other choice. A “failed” marriage does not need to be based on lies and cheating, they can still remain M but have an open marriage, it is all about honesty and not putting something over on the other spouse.

 

So your problem is that a spouse sleeps with someone else without informing their H / W? You think that the solution to this is an open marriage? "Excuse me honey, I can't talk at the moment, I'm banging the other woman, yeah the blondie I told you about". What a human quality...

 

I know a lot of people like that, and now I don’t think “what is the matter with him / her”.

 

And I know many too for whom I do say “what is the matter with him / her”. Can we create rules based on our individual experiences?

 

I know a lot of 40+ single, never married people go on to eventually marry.

 

Your point being?

[WakingUp]

Sometimes...it's because she makes 6 figures! So just think of BS's income ...it can be an MM "reason" not to leave...whether that income is high, moderate, low, or non-existent. Likewise the fact that she is a great mom is a "reason" not to divorce (think of the kids)....but if she's a crappy mom that's ALSO a reason not to divorce (think of the kids). MM has a very high income, that's a "reason" not to divorce, as he would be taken to the cleaners for 50% of what he has....and if MM is broke that's also a "reason" not to divorce as he can't afford it. BS is crazy and nutso...can't divorce as she would then "commit suicide"......or BS is a great person, very level headed and emotionally balanced, also can't divorce because (think think think) um.....it wouldn't be fair to her because....ermm....it might turn her nutso! And think of the kids!

 

When you think of it, almost any factor of human existence can be a "reason" not to divorce when your squinch up your frontal cortex and kinda think of it cross-eyed.

 

This is.... just brilliant.

[HairTie]

Sometimes...it's because she makes 6 figures! So just think of BS's income ...it can be an MM "reason" not to leave...whether that income is high, moderate, low, or non-existent. Likewise the fact that she is a great mom is a "reason" not to divorce (think of the kids)....but if she's a crappy mom that's ALSO a reason not to divorce (think of the kids). MM has a very high income, that's a "reason" not to divorce, as he would be taken to the cleaners for 50% of what he has....and if MM is broke that's also a "reason" not to divorce as he can't afford it. BS is crazy and nutso...can't divorce as she would then "commit suicide"......or BS is a great person, very level headed and emotionally balanced, also can't divorce because (think think think) um.....it wouldn't be fair to her because....ermm....it might turn her nutso! And think of the kids!

 

When you think of it, almost any factor of human existence can be a "reason" not to divorce when your squinch up your frontal cortex and kinda think of it cross-eyed.

 

I absolutely love this post - wonderfully said.

[HairTie]

They stay because they never intended to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

 

When a guy says he loves his wife, but something is missing- its a huge mistake to assume this means he wants to be with someone else. Most times, he just isn't getting the attention, validation, admiration and sex that he feels he is entitled to. So he finds someone that hasn't been disappointed by him yet, that looks up to him, that sympathizes with him, and who he doesnt have any obligations or commitments with.

 

So ow is there to pick up the wifes slack, to fill in where she falls short (in his mind anyway). An affair isn't a stepping stone to being together, its a way for mm to get all his needs met by staying married. The affair helps him to be content and satisfied, when the marriage isn't living up to his expectations. He doesnt want to fire his wife though- just hire someone else to help out.

 

He wants to be married- he is not trapped. He just wants extra.

 

Most mm don't even consider a divorce- their goal is to stay married and prolong the affair for as long as possible. They realize ow will get fed up eventually, but try to keep her as ow for as long as she is willing. It's sad because they will emotionally drain a woman that was confident and strong, and often leave her depressed, weak and feeling like she can't live without him.

 

I think most mm are not hard to understand. They feel a sense of entitlement. They want the marriage and the family, and another woman focused all on him. Their marriage is not perfect, but not bad enough to leave. Especially when there are women willing to supplement his marriage.

 

Thank you for this reply. This is exactly the kind of level-headed take on the situation that I was looking for.

[experiencethedevine]

I realize how that sounds - that's why I said he's not thinking about her emotions. I think some men (I don't want to generalize), but at least HE, down plays her emotions. He has the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" mentality. Which, to an extent, is true. She doesn't know. So she isn't hurt by it. His actions would really only matter if she found out. So in his eyes, he has her well-being in mind.

 

 

Many moons ago, my husband said that he thought exactly that when I discovered after his affair was exposed that he was also heavily invested in internet porn/chat/sites to my detriment. "I believed what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you".

 

 

 

 

Until I packed his belongings and flew them out to his work in Singapore. He never looks at porn now.....................

[Ruffian1]

Not necessarily. He chooses not to make his problems public. Do you use to notify everyone you know when you have a personal problem?

You were the one that said they are SCARED:

scared of exposing the divorce to their work place (boss, coworkers) or their family.

Ok so he is just scared not a coward. Potatoe, patato

So then the solution is to continue to cheat on your spouse because you don’t want other people to know you have a problem. Hmmm, in your other posts you have stated:

 

I can't even imagine staying with a person who does not try to make my insecurities go away in a relationship.

 

And in response to a woman whose bf dumped her by text:

Why do you want for yourself this kind of coward man, as you described him in your first post? Don't have such low self esteem, you surely deserve better

And again you state:

If he had a problem (lack of excitement, frustration, anxiety) he should have gone to his woman and talk about it. This is what couples do, discuss things and find solutions.

And:

If he had some issue with her the decent thing would be to talk to her about it rather than looking secretly in escort sites.

For some people divorce is a failure so they prefer to pretend everything is good

Pretending everything is good and cheating on an unsuspecting spouse is two different things.

Murder is common as well but we still put the murderers in jail.

Adultery is hardly murder but it does seem to lead to it many times.

Murder is against the law. Adultery is not.

So your problem is that a spouse sleeps with someone else without informing their H / W? You think that the solution to this is an open marriage? "Excuse me honey, I can't talk at the moment, I'm banging the other woman, yeah the blondie I told you about". What a human quality...

Yes that is exactly my problem. It the deceit, the lying. At least if I was in an open M I could protect myself emotionally and from STD’s and I knew exactly what my reality was and could make life choices knowing my reality. Telling them you are banging the blond is a lot more human than saying you are bowling with your buddies when you are actually banging the blond. What is the better human quality, honesty or deceit?

Are you saying you would rather be lied too????

And I know many too for whom I do say “what is the matter with him / her”. Can we create rules based on our individual experiences?

Of course you can create your rules based on whatever you feel like at the moment in time you are in and of course you can change them when it suits your needs.

 

I know a lot of 40+ single, never married people go on to eventually marry.

Your point being?

 

My point being that I don’t automatically judge that something must be wrong if they did not marry by 40+ and if you do think they are inferior because they did not marry by a certain age just show a small closed mind. So who the hell cares what people like that think anyway??

 

I am sure Condoleezza Rice cares that people on think gee, she’s not married yet, something must be wrong with her. In the 1970s, Condoleezza Rice dated and was briefly engaged to American football player. She left him because, “She knew the relationship wasn't going to work". And she is very much in the public eye. She is out there living her life her way. At least it's an authentic life and not pretending.

Edited December 16, 2013 by Ruffian1

[Ruffian1]

They stay because they never intended to replace their wife. They just want to supplement their marriage.

 

^^^^^^this^^^^^^^^^

 

Well said. Only thing I can add is, they don't want their wife to have the same option.

[experiencethedevine]

Most women I know would not want a H who only sticks around for this reason, to make it easy for them. Would you want to be with a H who was only there to make it easy for you? But would be gone otherwise? Not me.

 

How about you other ladies out there, OW, BS, what/who ever, would you be ok with H staying to "make it easy for you and the kids" (and maybe continue to cheat??) while he is really unhappy?

 

Any takers??

 

 

Hmmm, I think not Ruffian, no takers here! Only the waywards!!............

[lilmisscantbewrong]

t's sad because they will emotionally drain a woman that was confident and strong, and often leave her depressed, weak and feeling like she can't live without him.

 

This is exactly what xmom did to me - the further I get from the whole thing the more ugly he becomes and he is already seen as a cowardly piece of shyyte by the entire community - where he grew up - no one has any respect for him at all.

 

I am mostly disgusted with myself for buying into his lies. I was always very guarded before and did not trust anyone - well now that's even worse. I won't ever trust again. I don't even trust my own husband or family.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Sorry - the first paragraph was a quote from quiet storm and I tried to put it in bold but it didn't work - anyway - you get the drift.